Self-esteem is the confidence in one’s own worth and personal value.
A child’s healthy self-esteem provides the capability to face life’s challenges positively and more successfully.
In this segment, Ms. Evans will discuss ways in which parents can build their child’s confidence and ability to make healthy decisions.
Selected Podcast
Building a Child’s Self Esteem
Featured Speaker:
Bailey Evans, M.Ed., LPC
Bailey Evans, M.Ed., LPC, is a licensed mental health professional with Centra Bridges Treatment Center. She is trained in TF-CBT (Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and is pursuing national certification. Transcription:
Building a Child’s Self Esteem
Bill Klaproth (Host): Self-esteem is the confidence in one’s own worth and personal value. A child’s healthy self-esteem provides the capability to face life’s challenges positively and more successfully. How can a parent help build their child’s self-esteem and ability to make healthy decisions? Well, with us is Mrs. Bailey Evans, a licensed mental health professional with Centra Bridges Treatment Center. Mrs. Evans, thanks so much for being on with us. When I think of self-esteem, I wonder, is this a nature or nurture question? Are you born wired for positive self-esteem, or does it lie solely in a child’s upbringing and environment they’re raised in?
Mrs. Bailey Evans (Guest): That’s a great question, and of course, what the research shows is there’s actually a combination of factors, nature and nurture. Some children’s temperament tend to be more on the anxious side or they are more easily disregulated than other children. But certainly, the nurture that we provide them helps children develop a healthier self-esteem no matter what their innate temperament is.
Bill: If it’s inside everybody and it’s the parents’ job to develop that and get it out of them, what are the steps then to help our kids achieve a healthy self-esteem?
Mrs. Evans: Okay, that’s a great question, too. When I think about healthy self-esteem, there is a wonderful guru on the topic. His name is Dr. Ben Bissell, and he actually talks about 10 steps to help build your child’s self-esteem. I’ll quickly just take you through those steps because I think they are tried and true and very sound and very wise. The first one is that we’re going to give our children a good name. And so when we face challenges with our children, instead of calling them things like bullheaded or stubborn, we’re calling to call them strong-willed and independent. We’re going to give them a good ear and we’re going to really listen intently to the things that they say. When we give our children permission to talk and that we’re listening, then they’re going to feel more readily able to come to us when they’re having difficulties, and then that in turn also makes it easier for them to accept our influence as parents and to know that they can come to us not only with the small stuff but with the big things, too. We’re going to help our children make decisions, and so being able to provide forced choices for them at times. You do not give them just carte blanche access to decide everything that they want, but to really give them and help make choices alongside them. This also means not doing things for them. We’ve heard the “term helicopter” parent, and that’s sort of like a parent who is hovering around and sort of fixing things for their children. But instead, helping our children make decisions so that will boost their esteem and their ability to really make healthy choices so they’re not looking to us to make the decisions for them that they feel capable of doing so. That’s going to be particularly important as they move into adolescence with their peer group. We’re also going to give them permission for their feelings, so whatever feelings they’re having are okay. We always want to send that message. Feelings are okay. Not all behaviors are okay, however. It’s okay to be angry; it’s not okay to hit and it’s not okay to tear up your room, things of that nature. We’re also going to give them rules. Children thrive in environments where there is structure and limits and they know where the boundaries are. Even though some children push those boundaries and limits, the rules are truly what sends them a message that we love you and care for you and are willing to keep you safe. We’re going to do things like give our children hugs or physical touch that they feel comfortable with and we can feel comfortable giving them in a very nurturing way. Permission to laugh and play, just be kids, which is important. We’re also going to tell our children the truth. That’s another gift that we give them, and permission to make mistakes as well. Again, that’s where the helicopter parenting comes in and we want to really be careful about that. Even though it might be hard for us as parents, sometimes we want to make sure that we let our children sit in their mistakes because that’s really how they learn. So not fixing it for them but being alongside them and being able to say, “This is a bummer. What can I do to help? Or what do you think you should do about that?” Then the last gift we’re going to give our children is freedom. And possibly for parents, that’s the hardest one as our children grow and move into developmental stages where freedom is certainly appropriate.
Bill: Well, those are great steps. And what’s great about this format is anybody listening, you can just rewind and rehear those and take notes on those because those are excellent steps. Thank you for sharing those with us. Then, those are great steps to take. How do you tell if your child has low self-esteem?
Mrs. Evans: Okay, so when we’re looking at children and we’re wondering about how they are doing, we look at things like are they appearing more anxious. Are they having trouble sleeping? Are they very teary? Are they more irritable? Are they having difficulty managing their emotional regulation on a pretty consistent basis? Are they saying things that are unusual such as “I hate school” and “I don’t want to go to school” or “I’m stupid” or “nobody likes me”? And just watching how they interact with their peers. Do they seem as though they’re willing to take a chance and get into a social situation? Are they more standoffish? If those things are different from how their usual presentation is, then we want to take note of those things and pay attention as parents and check them out. The general rule of thumb is kids are kind of up and down. If symptoms that are of concern to parents persist for two weeks or more, that’s when you really want to possibly seek a professional consultation.
Bill: That would be the next step then is seeking professional consultation, or can a parent reverse low self-esteem with the steps that you just talked about earlier?
Mrs. Evans: Right. Certainly, those things go hand in hand, so parents do have the ability to help boost their child’s self-esteem by looking back and saying, “Hmm, what could I do differently?” That’s always sort of the first course of action to say, “Is there something that’s going on? Does this seem like this is their little pattern?” and they kind of come out of this on their own typically. Certainly, if there are symptoms that are of concern that persist for two weeks or more, then you may want to seek a professional opinion.
Bill: Then what happens then? What is the treatment for low self-esteem?
Mrs. Evans: For low self-esteem, typically those children present in treatment as anxious, and so we would be looking for possibly a mood disorder, maybe some signs and symptoms of depression in a small child to a teenager. Also, looking at symptoms of anxiety and trying to help the child feel more confident and competent in handling whatever the situation that has been the trigger to these symptoms is, whether it’s school-related or there’s something going on in the family. Or it could be that they’re interpreting messages that other people are giving them inaccurately, and so they are internalizing and feeling as though instead of making a mistake, that they are a mistake. We certainly want to identify if it’s situational or if there is something going on with their thoughts and more internalized so that we’ll know what the proper course of treatment will be.
Bill: Usually, how effective is treatment? What’s the long-term look for a child that has low self-esteem?
Mrs. Evans: I think it really sort of depends on all of the factors that are in place. Children often go through dips where they don’t feel as confident or as competent and may look more anxious or depressed, and it’s important to see what their whole support network is like. Let’s say you’ve got really good, supportive parents who are willing to change a few things about maybe the way they’re interacting or talking to the child, supporting the child, then the prognosis is very good. If you’re working with a child who is in a chronic state of disappointment for a number of reasons, such as they have an undiagnosed learning disability and they’re not achieving well in school, and then they are living in a family that’s not successfully able to meet their needs or there is an abusive situation, then the prognosis isn’t as good unless some of those factors can be identified and changed.
Bill: I would imagine trying to teach them strategies that they can use throughout their life would be beneficial as well as they grow into an adult.
Mrs. Evans: Absolutely. That’s part of what we would do if we would work on full coping strategies such as diaphragmatic control of the breathing. We would work on progressive muscle relaxation, which is where you teach your body to relax so that you can more adequately assess a situation and use the context clues to see is this something really to be upset about or not. Then also some more cognitive type strategies where you help them identify actually what the problematic thought is that they’re having, what feeling has been associated with that thought and what behavior, which could be a behavior that’s getting them into trouble, maybe not, then how to effectively replace those in a healthier, more adaptive way, then to also identify possibly what thought traps they’re falling into such as mindreading—so believing that they know what another person is thinking simply by looking at them—and how to challenge and replace that so that they can feel more competent and confident in social situations.
Bill: Great advice. Excellent information. Mrs. Evans, thank you so much. I really appreciate your time today. Can you tell us why people should come to Centra for their children’s health needs?
Mrs. Evans: Centra offers a wide array of services, including an outpatient. We also have private day schools, psychiatric care, which are both inpatient units. Also, we have long-term residential care. We have wonderful psychiatrists who provide medication management services and outpatient counseling as well. We also have substance abuse services. I think just because of the wide array of services that we provide and the quality of the service that we offer that Centra is a great choice for people in our community.
Bill: Absolutely. Mrs. Evans, thanks again, so much. I really appreciate your time today. For more information, please visit centrahealth.com. That’s centrahealth.com. This is Centra Healthy Radio. I’m Bill Klaproth. Thanks for listening.
Building a Child’s Self Esteem
Bill Klaproth (Host): Self-esteem is the confidence in one’s own worth and personal value. A child’s healthy self-esteem provides the capability to face life’s challenges positively and more successfully. How can a parent help build their child’s self-esteem and ability to make healthy decisions? Well, with us is Mrs. Bailey Evans, a licensed mental health professional with Centra Bridges Treatment Center. Mrs. Evans, thanks so much for being on with us. When I think of self-esteem, I wonder, is this a nature or nurture question? Are you born wired for positive self-esteem, or does it lie solely in a child’s upbringing and environment they’re raised in?
Mrs. Bailey Evans (Guest): That’s a great question, and of course, what the research shows is there’s actually a combination of factors, nature and nurture. Some children’s temperament tend to be more on the anxious side or they are more easily disregulated than other children. But certainly, the nurture that we provide them helps children develop a healthier self-esteem no matter what their innate temperament is.
Bill: If it’s inside everybody and it’s the parents’ job to develop that and get it out of them, what are the steps then to help our kids achieve a healthy self-esteem?
Mrs. Evans: Okay, that’s a great question, too. When I think about healthy self-esteem, there is a wonderful guru on the topic. His name is Dr. Ben Bissell, and he actually talks about 10 steps to help build your child’s self-esteem. I’ll quickly just take you through those steps because I think they are tried and true and very sound and very wise. The first one is that we’re going to give our children a good name. And so when we face challenges with our children, instead of calling them things like bullheaded or stubborn, we’re calling to call them strong-willed and independent. We’re going to give them a good ear and we’re going to really listen intently to the things that they say. When we give our children permission to talk and that we’re listening, then they’re going to feel more readily able to come to us when they’re having difficulties, and then that in turn also makes it easier for them to accept our influence as parents and to know that they can come to us not only with the small stuff but with the big things, too. We’re going to help our children make decisions, and so being able to provide forced choices for them at times. You do not give them just carte blanche access to decide everything that they want, but to really give them and help make choices alongside them. This also means not doing things for them. We’ve heard the “term helicopter” parent, and that’s sort of like a parent who is hovering around and sort of fixing things for their children. But instead, helping our children make decisions so that will boost their esteem and their ability to really make healthy choices so they’re not looking to us to make the decisions for them that they feel capable of doing so. That’s going to be particularly important as they move into adolescence with their peer group. We’re also going to give them permission for their feelings, so whatever feelings they’re having are okay. We always want to send that message. Feelings are okay. Not all behaviors are okay, however. It’s okay to be angry; it’s not okay to hit and it’s not okay to tear up your room, things of that nature. We’re also going to give them rules. Children thrive in environments where there is structure and limits and they know where the boundaries are. Even though some children push those boundaries and limits, the rules are truly what sends them a message that we love you and care for you and are willing to keep you safe. We’re going to do things like give our children hugs or physical touch that they feel comfortable with and we can feel comfortable giving them in a very nurturing way. Permission to laugh and play, just be kids, which is important. We’re also going to tell our children the truth. That’s another gift that we give them, and permission to make mistakes as well. Again, that’s where the helicopter parenting comes in and we want to really be careful about that. Even though it might be hard for us as parents, sometimes we want to make sure that we let our children sit in their mistakes because that’s really how they learn. So not fixing it for them but being alongside them and being able to say, “This is a bummer. What can I do to help? Or what do you think you should do about that?” Then the last gift we’re going to give our children is freedom. And possibly for parents, that’s the hardest one as our children grow and move into developmental stages where freedom is certainly appropriate.
Bill: Well, those are great steps. And what’s great about this format is anybody listening, you can just rewind and rehear those and take notes on those because those are excellent steps. Thank you for sharing those with us. Then, those are great steps to take. How do you tell if your child has low self-esteem?
Mrs. Evans: Okay, so when we’re looking at children and we’re wondering about how they are doing, we look at things like are they appearing more anxious. Are they having trouble sleeping? Are they very teary? Are they more irritable? Are they having difficulty managing their emotional regulation on a pretty consistent basis? Are they saying things that are unusual such as “I hate school” and “I don’t want to go to school” or “I’m stupid” or “nobody likes me”? And just watching how they interact with their peers. Do they seem as though they’re willing to take a chance and get into a social situation? Are they more standoffish? If those things are different from how their usual presentation is, then we want to take note of those things and pay attention as parents and check them out. The general rule of thumb is kids are kind of up and down. If symptoms that are of concern to parents persist for two weeks or more, that’s when you really want to possibly seek a professional consultation.
Bill: That would be the next step then is seeking professional consultation, or can a parent reverse low self-esteem with the steps that you just talked about earlier?
Mrs. Evans: Right. Certainly, those things go hand in hand, so parents do have the ability to help boost their child’s self-esteem by looking back and saying, “Hmm, what could I do differently?” That’s always sort of the first course of action to say, “Is there something that’s going on? Does this seem like this is their little pattern?” and they kind of come out of this on their own typically. Certainly, if there are symptoms that are of concern that persist for two weeks or more, then you may want to seek a professional opinion.
Bill: Then what happens then? What is the treatment for low self-esteem?
Mrs. Evans: For low self-esteem, typically those children present in treatment as anxious, and so we would be looking for possibly a mood disorder, maybe some signs and symptoms of depression in a small child to a teenager. Also, looking at symptoms of anxiety and trying to help the child feel more confident and competent in handling whatever the situation that has been the trigger to these symptoms is, whether it’s school-related or there’s something going on in the family. Or it could be that they’re interpreting messages that other people are giving them inaccurately, and so they are internalizing and feeling as though instead of making a mistake, that they are a mistake. We certainly want to identify if it’s situational or if there is something going on with their thoughts and more internalized so that we’ll know what the proper course of treatment will be.
Bill: Usually, how effective is treatment? What’s the long-term look for a child that has low self-esteem?
Mrs. Evans: I think it really sort of depends on all of the factors that are in place. Children often go through dips where they don’t feel as confident or as competent and may look more anxious or depressed, and it’s important to see what their whole support network is like. Let’s say you’ve got really good, supportive parents who are willing to change a few things about maybe the way they’re interacting or talking to the child, supporting the child, then the prognosis is very good. If you’re working with a child who is in a chronic state of disappointment for a number of reasons, such as they have an undiagnosed learning disability and they’re not achieving well in school, and then they are living in a family that’s not successfully able to meet their needs or there is an abusive situation, then the prognosis isn’t as good unless some of those factors can be identified and changed.
Bill: I would imagine trying to teach them strategies that they can use throughout their life would be beneficial as well as they grow into an adult.
Mrs. Evans: Absolutely. That’s part of what we would do if we would work on full coping strategies such as diaphragmatic control of the breathing. We would work on progressive muscle relaxation, which is where you teach your body to relax so that you can more adequately assess a situation and use the context clues to see is this something really to be upset about or not. Then also some more cognitive type strategies where you help them identify actually what the problematic thought is that they’re having, what feeling has been associated with that thought and what behavior, which could be a behavior that’s getting them into trouble, maybe not, then how to effectively replace those in a healthier, more adaptive way, then to also identify possibly what thought traps they’re falling into such as mindreading—so believing that they know what another person is thinking simply by looking at them—and how to challenge and replace that so that they can feel more competent and confident in social situations.
Bill: Great advice. Excellent information. Mrs. Evans, thank you so much. I really appreciate your time today. Can you tell us why people should come to Centra for their children’s health needs?
Mrs. Evans: Centra offers a wide array of services, including an outpatient. We also have private day schools, psychiatric care, which are both inpatient units. Also, we have long-term residential care. We have wonderful psychiatrists who provide medication management services and outpatient counseling as well. We also have substance abuse services. I think just because of the wide array of services that we provide and the quality of the service that we offer that Centra is a great choice for people in our community.
Bill: Absolutely. Mrs. Evans, thanks again, so much. I really appreciate your time today. For more information, please visit centrahealth.com. That’s centrahealth.com. This is Centra Healthy Radio. I’m Bill Klaproth. Thanks for listening.