How to Attract Your Ideal Partner

Additional Info

• Segment Number: 2
• Audio File: healthy_talk/1513ht3b.mp3
• Featured Speaker: Susan Edelman, MD
• Book Title: Be Your Own Brand of Sexy: A New Sexual Revolution for Women
• Guest Website: Susan Edelman
• Guest Bio: Dr. Susan Edelman is a board-certified psychiatrist and an Adjunct Clinical Associate Professor at Stanford University's Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. She has a private practice in Palo Alto, California, specializing in women's issues.
  
  After 29 years of listening to women's stories, she realized a dangerous trend—despite advances, women across generations still struggle with having a voice and standing up for themselves. We think it's getting better, but it's not. That same struggle is why they don't get what they want from men. It's painful and in many
  cases it stops them from getting what they want out of life.
  
  Dr. Edelman believes her patients deserve better and women across the world deserve better. That's why she wrote this book. She wants to support the women who will never walk through her office door, yet need a helping hand.
• Transcription: RadioMD Presents: Healthy Talk | Original Air Date: March 25, 2015
  Host: Michael Smith, MD
  
  Anti-aging and disease prevention radio is right here on RadioMD. Here's author, blogger, lecturer and national medical personality, Dr. Michael Smith, MD, with Healthy Talk:
  
  DR. MIKE: Alright. So, how can you attract the ideal partner? I don't know. I'm not good at this. I'm single. I have a bad track record and all this. So, I'm glad I have an expert that maybe can help me out, which is why I have her on. This was a personal segment that I put together.
  
  My guest is Dr. Susan Edelman. She's a Board Certified psychiatrist and an adjunct clinical associate professor at Stanford University Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. She specializes in women's issues, so we're going to be talking mostly about women in this segment, but I'm going to do my best to bring it over to myself as well.
  
  She's author of Be Your Own Brand of Sexy and she believes that her patients deserve better and women across the world deserve better and that's why she wrote the book.
  Dr. Susan, welcome to Healthy Talk.
  
  DR SUSAN: Thank you so much for having me, Dr. Mike. It's great to be here.
  
  DR MIKE: Let's hear a little bit about your inspiration. I mean, I mentioned here you believe women deserve better. What does that really mean and how did that inspire you to write your book?
  
  DR SUSAN: You know, I knew this young woman, I still know her, and she went off to college and called me for dating advice. She said, "Susan, guys are asking me to come over and hang out. What does that mean?" I wasn't sure, which is kind of embarrassing since I was supposed to be the knowledgeable person. It turns out these guys in college were looking for casual sex and she wasn't interested in that.
  
  DR MIKE: Yes.
  
  DR SUSAN: I began to wonder what had happened to courtship and romance and she finally said, "Susan, you have to do something about this." I thought, "This is not what we had in mind with the women's movement and the sexual revolution. We thought women would be treated better when we were seen as equals, not that men would take casual sex for granted." So, I was determined to figure out how we got here and what we could do about it.
  
  DR MIKE: Yes. This brings up, I think, a whole other segment, maybe. We'll have to have you back on the show and we can talk a little bit about some of the things you just mentioned. So, let's bring this back, though, to attracting your ideal partner. What are the top 3 things a woman can do? You know, most of my listeners, by the way, Dr. Susan, are women, so you are speaking to the perfect audience right now.
  
  DR SUSAN: Right.
  
  DR MIKE: What are the top 3 things my listeners can do to attract that ideal partner?
  
  DR SUSAN: I think number one is to think about how you feel in that ideal relationship that you're imagining because I think a lot of women, and men, too, make a list. You know the list, Dr. Mike. The list that says, "He must be 6 feet tall with brown hair and blue eyes. Must have a stable job."
  
  DR MIKE: Yep.
  
  DR SUSAN: And things like that. Those things are great.
  
  DR MIKE: You have to have a dog. That's my list.
  
  DR SUSAN: But, it doesn't really address how you feel in the relationship. What?
  
  DR MIKE: Dr. Susan, I'm going to add one thing to that list. You have to have a dog. That's important to me, anyway.
  
  DR SUSAN: That's on your list? You have to have a dog?
  
  DR MIKE: Go ahead. That's on my list. I didn't mean to interrupt you. Go ahead.
  
  DR SUSAN: That's okay. So, everyone has that list and I think the list is great, but it's even more important to know how you want to feel in the relationship because a guy can meet all of your criteria on paper, but still be wrong for you. The fit is just wrong if you don't connect in more meaningful ways, right?
  
  DR MIKE: Well, that makes sense, but you're not...Let's go back to the list, though. I mean, isn't that where, I guess, most people do start, though, right? I mean, there's nothing wrong with saying, "Okay. What is the kind of person I'm attracted to?" I mean, that's kind of where everybody begins. There's nothing wrong with that, but that shouldn't be maybe set in stone like it is for some people.
  
  DR SUSAN: It shouldn't be set in stone and it shouldn't be the only thing you're thinking about. So, this is broadening your list to think about how you feel when you're with that person. I do think men, the studies show, men are more visual in their choices, so who you're attracted to as a guy may even be more important than for women, but I think even for guys, it's really important to broaden that because in the relationship, if you don't connect, if you don't feel comfortable with the person, it's not going to work no matter how attracted you are to her.
  
  DR MIKE: So, Dr. Susan, what you're saying is, when we make this list, "So, 6 foot, blond hair," whatever that list is, it's usually physical. We then need to add to that things like, "I want to be active with this person. I want to feel this way or that way. I don't like to travel or I do like to travel." Those are the types of things we should be adding to this.
  
  DR SUSAN: Exactly. Exactly. Do you want lots of laughter? Do you want him to be your best friend? How do you want disagreements to be handled? Do you want sexual monogamy? Do you want to be able to communicate easily? Do you want kids?
  
  DR MIKE: All of that has to be...
  
  DR SUSAN: A lot of people don't think about those things. They just go for the person they're attracted to.
  
  DR MIKE: Right. Right. So, when women are putting this type of...Now, when we go back to these, "how to attract that ideal partner", that is maybe more about what I'm attracted to, though. Okay. But, the question becomes, how do I...So, I find somebody or I have this list. I have this perfect, I don't want to say perfect, but I have this ideal person that I think I would be good with. How do I get them to look at me? Right. Isn't that the other side of this?
  
  DR SUSAN: Right. So, when you're in the mindset of figuring out the relationship you want, then, it becomes a little deeper in terms of how to connect with this person. So, especially for women, if you're into, "Hey, here's a nice guy who's making me feel special," then, it's important to appreciate how he treats you. So, if he's treating you with kindness and respect, then you say something like, "Thank you," or "That's so sweet of you. I like it when you do that." If he's bringing you flowers or opening your door or something that you like, a good man wants to be your hero. So, the more you appreciate the nice things he does for you, the more attractive you can become to him. So, I think that's part of how those two points relate to each other, right? Because if you're in the space of, "Hey, this is a nice guy. He's treating me well." Then, it's easier to think, "Hey, this is a good thing. I should appreciate this and the guy." I think it's true for men, too. You know, if they do special things for the lady they're interested in, that usually gets some points. I mean, I've talked to guys who tell me they got slapped when they opened a woman's door before, so it doesn't always work. But, I think, in general, it does.
  
  DR MIKE: You know, it's funny you're talking opening up doors. I just saw...Now, listen, I'm just going to tell you what I just saw. I haven't really looked at the study, so I don't want to...but, basically, what they found was guys that open up doors for women actually are usually the guys who are the most controlling in a relationship.
  
  DR SUSAN: Really? I haven't seen that study. I'd love to see it.
  
  DR MIKE: It was really interesting. I thought, "Well, great. What am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed to open her door?" But that was just an interesting report that I saw a couple weeks ago. So, okay. So, what are some of the...So, again, for my listeners. I have a lot of women listeners, 30-50. In that age range. What are some of the signs that they can kind of rely on that a guy is interested in them?
  
  DR SUSAN: Well, that's just a great question. I think that there's a lot of ways to tell and number one is, is he calling you for no reason at all? Because if he's calling more often than just to set up a date or to confirm a date, then he's showing you're important. I'm sorry. Did I interrupt you?
  
  DR MIKE: No, no, no. We just have about 60 seconds. So, that was the first one. Let's get through the next two real quick. So, calling for no reason is good. What's another one?
  
  DR SUSAN: Does he want to see you often and it's not just about sex? Does he make time for you, is number three. Number four, is have his friends heard about you or are you meeting his friends, right?
  
  DR MIKE: Oh, that's an interesting one. Wait. We're going to have to come back and talk about that one. That's an interesting one. Have his friends heard about you?
  
  So, we're going to pick that up and also, when we come back, we'll get into a simple test to really find out if he's into you.I'm here with Dr. Susan and this is Healthy Talk on RadioMD. I'm Dr. Mike. Stay well.
• Length (mins): 10
• Waiver Received: No
• Host: Mike Smith, MD