Most parents are always on the lookout for bullies — they’re looking for other kids who might be bullying their child.
But what if your child is the bully?
Would you be able to admit this to yourself and do something about it?
Myriam Roby, certified nurse practitioner, talks with us today about how to recognize the signs of bullying in children and advice for parents who may be dealing with behavioral issues.
Selected Podcast
Could Your Child Be The Bully?
Featured Speaker:
Myriam Roby, CNP – Family medicine
Myriam Roby is a certified nurse practitioner. Her professional interests include pediatric and geriatric care. Also a mother, Myriam uses her own experiences as a mother to understand and help children and families overcome issues at school or at home. Transcription:
Could Your Child Be The Bully?
Melanie Cole (Host): Most parents are always on the lookout for bullies. They’re looking for other kids who might be bullying their child. What if your child is the bully? Would you be able to admit this to yourself and do something about it? It might be tougher than you think. My guest is Myriam Roby. She’s a certified nurse practitioner. Welcome to the show, Myriam. If your child has behavioral issues that you know about or they’re easily angered, they’re easily flying off the handle, are these some red flags that your child either may be getting bullied or may be the bully himself?
Myriam Roby (Guest): Yes, there are many different signs that you can look for to see if your child is a bully or may be bullied. Some of the signs you look for is being impulsive, for instance, or easily frustrated or angered when they are talking to their peers or family members or even their teachers at school. Those are some of the things you can look for.
Melanie: If your child’s always been a child that’s easily frustrated, if their homework isn’t going well or they don’t play well in sports or they’re not as popular as they’d like to be, could this be something that could lead them towards it, or are there risk factors, things that predispose a child to actually being the bully?
Myriam: Absolutely. There are always predispositions that will lead a child to possible bullying, such as if they have had trouble sleeping and going to school sleep-deprived. That usually heightens their anger, frustrations. If they’ve seen it in the home, maybe there are different things that have been going on in the home that they have experienced that could lead them to feel that they’re frustrated and don’t know how to verbalize their feelings, they act out in different mannerisms.
Melanie: You mentioned trouble sleeping. So many young kids and teenagers today just don’t get enough sleep with all the electronics and the temptations and distractions. What about the sleep issues and this bullying issue? Is there a tie in there?
Myriam: Absolutely. Actually, the University of Michigan conducted a study of 341 children, and it was found that children who have sleep problems are actually more prone to having bullying tendencies or maybe acting out in frustrating mannerisms or anger or not able to contain their frustration.
Melanie: Now you notice these things may be in your own child. Parents kind of go into denial. Always just having a rough patch or we don’t have an abusive home. Nobody’s ever been a bully around here. How do you get the parents to see this, Myriam? Because I think that’s the hardest thing. Parents are blind when it comes to their children’s faults.
Myriam: Yes. Unfortunately, parents believe that their children could not possibly be the bully and so they usually turn a blind eye to it. What we’re asking parents is to become a little bit more involved with your children. Talk to them. Have them open up. Discuss things with them and maybe during conversations, there may be some red flags, you know, noticing that they’re short-tempered. Maybe they may express that they’ve been having nightmares at night and hasn’t been sleeping very well. Maybe even talking to the teacher and finding out that the teacher has noticed that their child has shown some discipline problems that could indicate that they possibly may be bullying others.
Melanie: Is it time for counseling or is this something that a parent tries to do themselves first?
Myriam: Initially, the parent can try to see if it’s something that they can manage on their own, but we don’t want parents to feel that it’s just on their shoulders alone. There are many different individuals that are out there to help. Schools are very, very keen on bullying and they have placed many things in place to try to help parents with this, as far as school counselors, as far as the principals are willing to guide and help with that. Even if the parents have a spiritual adviser, that’s something that they can always have their children talk to, if they are unable to be open to them.
Melanie: I think one reason why parents may be hesitant to accept this, acknowledge it, is because they feel that people would blame them for their child being a bully. What about that relationship between parent and child and that dynamic? Are children that bully always a product of their parents?
Myriam: Not always. We always want to continually let parents know. It’s not always the reason that the child is a bully is a product of the home. There may be different things that the child is being exposed to in different scenes as far as at school, outside in the public, TV. You mentioned video games. Some video games have different things in there that may not be appropriate for children. They’re absorbing all of these, and as they’re growing, they’re putting their own perception on it. We want parents to know that we want them to be open with their children and be open to us and/or their school so that we can get the help that the child may need.
Melanie: Give parents some advice on how to talk to their children about their behavior in a non-threatening way so the child doesn’t get defensive, pull back, blame the parents. Give us some tips for speaking with our children.
Myriam: What you can do is usually take the child to an environment that they like. If you do date night with your child at the local ice cream parlor or if you go and do activities where you walk around the park, take them somewhere where they feel that they’re not going to be judged. Slowly just start talking to them, getting them to open up. Trust is the key. When they feel that they can talk to you and trust that you’re not going to be judgmental or you’re not going to get angry with them, they will feel that they can open up to you a little bit more and that’s how the communication starts between you and your child. Try to get them to get better.
Melanie: What about their friends? I always call them OPCs, other people’s children. If you notice that your child is hanging out—and we’re not necessarily blaming the other children for behavior of your own child—but if you notice that they’re hanging out with kids that you don’t trust or that seem to be someone you would peg as a bully, what do you say to your children about those kids? Do you start forbidding them to hang out with them? Do you say that child may not be the best choice for you? What do you do?
Myriam: I wouldn’t outright say that their friend is someone that they absolutely cannot hang out with. What you would want to do is let them understand that the different mannerisms that their friends may be expressing, such as aggressive tendencies, such as easily frustrated to other individuals, those are different tendencies that you don’t want them to display to others. This would be something that you want to let your child know. You want them to stay away from that and maybe explain to them how it can make others feel. Books are very good as far as giving different pictures and making the child understand why it would be good to stay away from some of the children. Outright saying not to associate with these children, especially if they’re in a classroom, it’s a little difficult. You just try to make them understand your reasoning to why you feel that they should not adhere or adopt the tendencies that the children have.
Melanie: In the last few minutes, Myriam, if you would, give your best advice to children dealing with bullies and to parents who may suspect that their child might actually be the bully.
Myriam: First, I want to encourage the parents and the children to really seek outside help. Your school is paramount in trying to help motivate bullying and they have counselors, teachers, other school officials that are very prepared to help with the concern with bullying, and that’s for both parents and children alike. Secondly, I would advise to speak up to anyone you trust: to your parents, to your spiritual adviser, to your teacher, to your best friend, even law enforcement, who are trustworthy individuals who can help you in your time of need. Bullying only works when the victim remains silent, so you have to make sure that you speak up as much as you can. If one person isn’t open to hearing what you have to say, go to the next person. That person may be more receptive to what you have to say. Speaking up is the key.
Melanie: That’s great advice, Myriam. Thank you so much for being with us today. You are listening to the WELLcast with Allina Health. For more information, you can go to allinahealth.org. That’s allinahealth.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.
Could Your Child Be The Bully?
Melanie Cole (Host): Most parents are always on the lookout for bullies. They’re looking for other kids who might be bullying their child. What if your child is the bully? Would you be able to admit this to yourself and do something about it? It might be tougher than you think. My guest is Myriam Roby. She’s a certified nurse practitioner. Welcome to the show, Myriam. If your child has behavioral issues that you know about or they’re easily angered, they’re easily flying off the handle, are these some red flags that your child either may be getting bullied or may be the bully himself?
Myriam Roby (Guest): Yes, there are many different signs that you can look for to see if your child is a bully or may be bullied. Some of the signs you look for is being impulsive, for instance, or easily frustrated or angered when they are talking to their peers or family members or even their teachers at school. Those are some of the things you can look for.
Melanie: If your child’s always been a child that’s easily frustrated, if their homework isn’t going well or they don’t play well in sports or they’re not as popular as they’d like to be, could this be something that could lead them towards it, or are there risk factors, things that predispose a child to actually being the bully?
Myriam: Absolutely. There are always predispositions that will lead a child to possible bullying, such as if they have had trouble sleeping and going to school sleep-deprived. That usually heightens their anger, frustrations. If they’ve seen it in the home, maybe there are different things that have been going on in the home that they have experienced that could lead them to feel that they’re frustrated and don’t know how to verbalize their feelings, they act out in different mannerisms.
Melanie: You mentioned trouble sleeping. So many young kids and teenagers today just don’t get enough sleep with all the electronics and the temptations and distractions. What about the sleep issues and this bullying issue? Is there a tie in there?
Myriam: Absolutely. Actually, the University of Michigan conducted a study of 341 children, and it was found that children who have sleep problems are actually more prone to having bullying tendencies or maybe acting out in frustrating mannerisms or anger or not able to contain their frustration.
Melanie: Now you notice these things may be in your own child. Parents kind of go into denial. Always just having a rough patch or we don’t have an abusive home. Nobody’s ever been a bully around here. How do you get the parents to see this, Myriam? Because I think that’s the hardest thing. Parents are blind when it comes to their children’s faults.
Myriam: Yes. Unfortunately, parents believe that their children could not possibly be the bully and so they usually turn a blind eye to it. What we’re asking parents is to become a little bit more involved with your children. Talk to them. Have them open up. Discuss things with them and maybe during conversations, there may be some red flags, you know, noticing that they’re short-tempered. Maybe they may express that they’ve been having nightmares at night and hasn’t been sleeping very well. Maybe even talking to the teacher and finding out that the teacher has noticed that their child has shown some discipline problems that could indicate that they possibly may be bullying others.
Melanie: Is it time for counseling or is this something that a parent tries to do themselves first?
Myriam: Initially, the parent can try to see if it’s something that they can manage on their own, but we don’t want parents to feel that it’s just on their shoulders alone. There are many different individuals that are out there to help. Schools are very, very keen on bullying and they have placed many things in place to try to help parents with this, as far as school counselors, as far as the principals are willing to guide and help with that. Even if the parents have a spiritual adviser, that’s something that they can always have their children talk to, if they are unable to be open to them.
Melanie: I think one reason why parents may be hesitant to accept this, acknowledge it, is because they feel that people would blame them for their child being a bully. What about that relationship between parent and child and that dynamic? Are children that bully always a product of their parents?
Myriam: Not always. We always want to continually let parents know. It’s not always the reason that the child is a bully is a product of the home. There may be different things that the child is being exposed to in different scenes as far as at school, outside in the public, TV. You mentioned video games. Some video games have different things in there that may not be appropriate for children. They’re absorbing all of these, and as they’re growing, they’re putting their own perception on it. We want parents to know that we want them to be open with their children and be open to us and/or their school so that we can get the help that the child may need.
Melanie: Give parents some advice on how to talk to their children about their behavior in a non-threatening way so the child doesn’t get defensive, pull back, blame the parents. Give us some tips for speaking with our children.
Myriam: What you can do is usually take the child to an environment that they like. If you do date night with your child at the local ice cream parlor or if you go and do activities where you walk around the park, take them somewhere where they feel that they’re not going to be judged. Slowly just start talking to them, getting them to open up. Trust is the key. When they feel that they can talk to you and trust that you’re not going to be judgmental or you’re not going to get angry with them, they will feel that they can open up to you a little bit more and that’s how the communication starts between you and your child. Try to get them to get better.
Melanie: What about their friends? I always call them OPCs, other people’s children. If you notice that your child is hanging out—and we’re not necessarily blaming the other children for behavior of your own child—but if you notice that they’re hanging out with kids that you don’t trust or that seem to be someone you would peg as a bully, what do you say to your children about those kids? Do you start forbidding them to hang out with them? Do you say that child may not be the best choice for you? What do you do?
Myriam: I wouldn’t outright say that their friend is someone that they absolutely cannot hang out with. What you would want to do is let them understand that the different mannerisms that their friends may be expressing, such as aggressive tendencies, such as easily frustrated to other individuals, those are different tendencies that you don’t want them to display to others. This would be something that you want to let your child know. You want them to stay away from that and maybe explain to them how it can make others feel. Books are very good as far as giving different pictures and making the child understand why it would be good to stay away from some of the children. Outright saying not to associate with these children, especially if they’re in a classroom, it’s a little difficult. You just try to make them understand your reasoning to why you feel that they should not adhere or adopt the tendencies that the children have.
Melanie: In the last few minutes, Myriam, if you would, give your best advice to children dealing with bullies and to parents who may suspect that their child might actually be the bully.
Myriam: First, I want to encourage the parents and the children to really seek outside help. Your school is paramount in trying to help motivate bullying and they have counselors, teachers, other school officials that are very prepared to help with the concern with bullying, and that’s for both parents and children alike. Secondly, I would advise to speak up to anyone you trust: to your parents, to your spiritual adviser, to your teacher, to your best friend, even law enforcement, who are trustworthy individuals who can help you in your time of need. Bullying only works when the victim remains silent, so you have to make sure that you speak up as much as you can. If one person isn’t open to hearing what you have to say, go to the next person. That person may be more receptive to what you have to say. Speaking up is the key.
Melanie: That’s great advice, Myriam. Thank you so much for being with us today. You are listening to the WELLcast with Allina Health. For more information, you can go to allinahealth.org. That’s allinahealth.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.