The holiday season or special days throughout the year can be a very difficult time for people who have experienced the death of someone dear to them.
It is often a time when the experience and feelings of loss can be heightened.
Today we have with us Nancy Anderson, grief counselor, Allina Health Hospice, to share some tips on coping with grief during the holiday season.
Selected Podcast
Coping With Grief During The Holidays
Featured Speaker:
Nancy Anderson, MA, LMFT - Grief Counselor
Nancy Anderson, MA, LMFT, is a grief counselor with Allina Health Hospice. Transcription:
Coping With Grief During The Holidays
Melanie Cole (Host): The holiday season, or any special days throughout the year, can be so difficult for people who have experienced the death of someone near to them. It's often a time when the experiences and feelings of loss can really be heightened. My guest today is Nancy Anderson. She's a grief counsellor at Allina Health Hospice. Welcome to the show, Nancy. Tell us a little bit about the holidays or special days. If someone has lost someone they love, why are those days, in particular, more difficult?
Nancy Anderson (Guest): Well, the first thing that I want to speak to is a definition of grief and that is that grief is an experience of loss or change in one's life and it includes a whole range of emotions that could be, as you said, heightened or increased during the holidays. Some of the normal feelings that I talk to people about when they come to me, probably the most important one is people feel dread. They just think, “I don't really want to do that this year. It's really hard to face this and if I could just go through this month without having to hear or think about holidays I'd be happy.” But, of course, it's happening and so to feel some dread about it is pretty darn normal. When other people are feeling joyful and looking forward to anticipating an exciting time, people who are grieving, often their pain is increasing; their sadness is increasing. So, their memory of the loved one becomes an even more painful experience during holidays for some people. It can sometimes feel like they're even more alone, sort of alone in the crowd almost. Families can feel that way as well where they feel like everybody else is enjoying this time and we're just sort of limping along as best as we can.
Melanie: I'd like to start by also asking you before we get to “how can you deal with your own grief during the holidays”, I'd like to ask you how we help someone we love because I have that in my life now and I'd like to be able to help the people that I love as these holidays approach. What is your best advice, Nancy, for people having the holiday party, if they've got someone coming who's lost a dear one?
Nancy: One of the most important things you can do is to acknowledge their loss. I have people who I sit with who say, I was with a gathering of people who care about me and nobody acknowledged what I was going through and I felt so alone. So, don't be afraid to acknowledge the loss this person is experiencing. Another is definitely don't offer advice or assume you know how they feel, even people who've experienced the loss of their own. We don't know exactly how this other person is feeling; to know that they're going through something unique and acknowledge that it's their own very special, unique experience. Be a good listener. Let them set the pace for what they want to share, what they don't want to share. Another thing that people tell me all the time is that they love to hear stories of their loved one. Sometimes they get to hear stories that they've never heard before that you carry--that the person you are sitting with carries--that they've never heard before. Even stories that they have heard before, they love to hear again. So, don't be afraid to share the stories. Don't be afraid to acknowledge that this loss has happened in their lives and include them. It's very painful when people say, “Oh, yeah. I'll have you over for this or that,” and then it doesn't happen. So, even if they don't feel like they can get up for it, to be offered an invitation means a lot. So, a gathering, a meal, a religious service, those are the things that I would encourage and offer help. Don't wait to be asked. Just say, “I'm available” and with their permission “I'll be over and help you prepare food,” or “I'll take care of your kids,” or “I'll wrap gifts for you,” if it's a gift-giving time. So, those are the things I would suggest.
Melanie: So, now some ideas for dealing with that grief if you're the person who lost a loved one. How do you go to those parties and attend those functions when you're feeling like you've lost a part of yourself?
Nancy: I think that you have to give yourself lots of flexibility about that just to say, “I would love to join you all and if I can, I will and on that day may not be a good day and I may not be able to do this”. Prepare people. Hopefully, they'll completely understand but many times, people will put something on their calendar and they want to join the group but sometimes on that day, it's not a good day and it's okay to bow out. It's okay to go and leave after an hour. Drive your own car so you can do that. Those are a couple of suggestions for events that you might be invited to.
Melanie: Should you change what you used to do? If you always were the one hosting Thanksgiving or you had certain trends or traditions that you did, should you change that if you're grieving around the holiday time?
Nancy: I think it's useful to. If you're the only person that's involved, there are a few more options. You could continue your traditions as usual. You could even change it and go someplace. If you're part of a family, then it is very important to include other people's needs as well, especially if you have children. Make sure that children get some semblance of the holiday. It would probably be a good idea to simplify it and to make it a more flexible plan. Having a plan is always something we suggest. It helps reduce some of the dread. The ideas about having to do it a certain way need to just be kind of let go of. There are options but the thing is that, it's never going to be the same whether you do it exactly the way you used to do it or you bring in some new traditions and change it up, or even go away. It's never going to be like it used to be, and that's the pain. The pain will be a part of this experience .The loss will be in the middle of it no matter what you do and so, having realistic expectations about that is important.
Melanie: So, in just the last few minutes, Nancy, what would you like to tell the listeners about going into the special days and holidays when they've lost a loved one and when they should possibly seek counselling and get some extra help?
Nancy: Well, I think as I began talking about grief as the normal experience of loss and change, that grief is not a pathology. There's not something wrong with us when we feel the intense pain of loss. That’s a normal feeling. I think when someone you know begins to have more extreme symptoms like intense hopelessness or noticeable changes in weight, decline in hygiene or suicidal feelings with a plan, those are things that are more symptomatic of depression, although grief and depression can look a lot alike. Depression is something where someone can't really rise to the occasion. People who are grieving tend to be able to rise to the occasion, even if they're still feeling pain. A depressed person probably can't. In that situation where someone is in those more extreme responses, going to your physician, even a hotline, but do something. You can even go to an emergency room if there are those kinds of extreme symptoms that are accompanying the loss and change. Sometimes people have a history of depression and it could be exaggerated by grief and then holidays or special days can exaggerate that. So, reaching out for help no matter what--whether you're just going through normal grief and getting support is very important--finding support from friends, family and support groups. Then, if the symptoms are far more extreme, the physician, emergency room and hotlines can be in the mix. For more resources or information, you are welcome to call the Allina Grief Resources line and that number is 651-628-1752.
Melanie: Thank you so much, Nancy. I applaud all your great work and it's really great information. You're listening to The WELLCast with Allina health. For more information, you can go to AllinaHealth.org. That's AllinaHealth.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.
Coping With Grief During The Holidays
Melanie Cole (Host): The holiday season, or any special days throughout the year, can be so difficult for people who have experienced the death of someone near to them. It's often a time when the experiences and feelings of loss can really be heightened. My guest today is Nancy Anderson. She's a grief counsellor at Allina Health Hospice. Welcome to the show, Nancy. Tell us a little bit about the holidays or special days. If someone has lost someone they love, why are those days, in particular, more difficult?
Nancy Anderson (Guest): Well, the first thing that I want to speak to is a definition of grief and that is that grief is an experience of loss or change in one's life and it includes a whole range of emotions that could be, as you said, heightened or increased during the holidays. Some of the normal feelings that I talk to people about when they come to me, probably the most important one is people feel dread. They just think, “I don't really want to do that this year. It's really hard to face this and if I could just go through this month without having to hear or think about holidays I'd be happy.” But, of course, it's happening and so to feel some dread about it is pretty darn normal. When other people are feeling joyful and looking forward to anticipating an exciting time, people who are grieving, often their pain is increasing; their sadness is increasing. So, their memory of the loved one becomes an even more painful experience during holidays for some people. It can sometimes feel like they're even more alone, sort of alone in the crowd almost. Families can feel that way as well where they feel like everybody else is enjoying this time and we're just sort of limping along as best as we can.
Melanie: I'd like to start by also asking you before we get to “how can you deal with your own grief during the holidays”, I'd like to ask you how we help someone we love because I have that in my life now and I'd like to be able to help the people that I love as these holidays approach. What is your best advice, Nancy, for people having the holiday party, if they've got someone coming who's lost a dear one?
Nancy: One of the most important things you can do is to acknowledge their loss. I have people who I sit with who say, I was with a gathering of people who care about me and nobody acknowledged what I was going through and I felt so alone. So, don't be afraid to acknowledge the loss this person is experiencing. Another is definitely don't offer advice or assume you know how they feel, even people who've experienced the loss of their own. We don't know exactly how this other person is feeling; to know that they're going through something unique and acknowledge that it's their own very special, unique experience. Be a good listener. Let them set the pace for what they want to share, what they don't want to share. Another thing that people tell me all the time is that they love to hear stories of their loved one. Sometimes they get to hear stories that they've never heard before that you carry--that the person you are sitting with carries--that they've never heard before. Even stories that they have heard before, they love to hear again. So, don't be afraid to share the stories. Don't be afraid to acknowledge that this loss has happened in their lives and include them. It's very painful when people say, “Oh, yeah. I'll have you over for this or that,” and then it doesn't happen. So, even if they don't feel like they can get up for it, to be offered an invitation means a lot. So, a gathering, a meal, a religious service, those are the things that I would encourage and offer help. Don't wait to be asked. Just say, “I'm available” and with their permission “I'll be over and help you prepare food,” or “I'll take care of your kids,” or “I'll wrap gifts for you,” if it's a gift-giving time. So, those are the things I would suggest.
Melanie: So, now some ideas for dealing with that grief if you're the person who lost a loved one. How do you go to those parties and attend those functions when you're feeling like you've lost a part of yourself?
Nancy: I think that you have to give yourself lots of flexibility about that just to say, “I would love to join you all and if I can, I will and on that day may not be a good day and I may not be able to do this”. Prepare people. Hopefully, they'll completely understand but many times, people will put something on their calendar and they want to join the group but sometimes on that day, it's not a good day and it's okay to bow out. It's okay to go and leave after an hour. Drive your own car so you can do that. Those are a couple of suggestions for events that you might be invited to.
Melanie: Should you change what you used to do? If you always were the one hosting Thanksgiving or you had certain trends or traditions that you did, should you change that if you're grieving around the holiday time?
Nancy: I think it's useful to. If you're the only person that's involved, there are a few more options. You could continue your traditions as usual. You could even change it and go someplace. If you're part of a family, then it is very important to include other people's needs as well, especially if you have children. Make sure that children get some semblance of the holiday. It would probably be a good idea to simplify it and to make it a more flexible plan. Having a plan is always something we suggest. It helps reduce some of the dread. The ideas about having to do it a certain way need to just be kind of let go of. There are options but the thing is that, it's never going to be the same whether you do it exactly the way you used to do it or you bring in some new traditions and change it up, or even go away. It's never going to be like it used to be, and that's the pain. The pain will be a part of this experience .The loss will be in the middle of it no matter what you do and so, having realistic expectations about that is important.
Melanie: So, in just the last few minutes, Nancy, what would you like to tell the listeners about going into the special days and holidays when they've lost a loved one and when they should possibly seek counselling and get some extra help?
Nancy: Well, I think as I began talking about grief as the normal experience of loss and change, that grief is not a pathology. There's not something wrong with us when we feel the intense pain of loss. That’s a normal feeling. I think when someone you know begins to have more extreme symptoms like intense hopelessness or noticeable changes in weight, decline in hygiene or suicidal feelings with a plan, those are things that are more symptomatic of depression, although grief and depression can look a lot alike. Depression is something where someone can't really rise to the occasion. People who are grieving tend to be able to rise to the occasion, even if they're still feeling pain. A depressed person probably can't. In that situation where someone is in those more extreme responses, going to your physician, even a hotline, but do something. You can even go to an emergency room if there are those kinds of extreme symptoms that are accompanying the loss and change. Sometimes people have a history of depression and it could be exaggerated by grief and then holidays or special days can exaggerate that. So, reaching out for help no matter what--whether you're just going through normal grief and getting support is very important--finding support from friends, family and support groups. Then, if the symptoms are far more extreme, the physician, emergency room and hotlines can be in the mix. For more resources or information, you are welcome to call the Allina Grief Resources line and that number is 651-628-1752.
Melanie: Thank you so much, Nancy. I applaud all your great work and it's really great information. You're listening to The WELLCast with Allina health. For more information, you can go to AllinaHealth.org. That's AllinaHealth.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.