Transcription:
Is Your Teen Ready to Date?

Melanie Cole (Host):  We all remember our first crush:  intense emotions that often turned complicated and awkward and embarrassing and even though today’s teens live in a tech-savvy world that’s much different than past generations, many things remain the same and they can still be very confusing. My guest today is Dr.  Lisa Herman. She’s a doctor of psychology and a licensed psychologist specializing in child and teen psychology at Allina Health – St. Michael’s Clinic. Welcome to the show, Dr. Herman. So, let’s start with today’s teens. How different do you think the dating world is today than a few years back?

Dr. Herman (Guest):    Well, hi. Thanks for having me. That’s a great question to start. I really don’t think that there’s that much of a difference in dating. When years or decades ago versus today, I think that it’s done differently with social media, with our smartphones and texting. You used to go to the door of somebody you’d like to date and speak to their parents and they’d get to know you. Today, I think the kids are really into texting one another and asking each other out through texting. A lot of their dating happens through text which is very different. But, the other kinds of dynamics that happen within relationships, I think that they’re very similar to how they used to be.

Melanie:  So, what age do you think it’s appropriate? Because now, as you say, things are different and teens go out on what they call these group dates. Now, I have a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old, so I see the differences but what age do you think it’s appropriate for something like a movie? A one-on-one date or going to the mall or something?

Dr. Herman:  Yes. Well, I think what’s important to keep in mind is that there really is no exact age where you’d say, “Okay. You’re 14. The rule book says you’re ready.” I think that it has to do more with each child’s maturity and maturity could mean a lot of different things. So, are they responsible? Do they do their chores? Do they come home on time? Do they call you and let you know where they are? Can they follow through with what they say they’re going to do? Really, it has to do with things like communication. Are they very, very shy? Very, very quiet? They don’t speak their emotions too well or so easily with you. They don’t tell you what’s going on during their day and just things like impulsiveness. Are they a kiddo that really loves to take chances and they’re going out there and they’re doing things and they go, “Oh! I didn’t realize this was going to be the consequence.” So, if your child is 12 or if they’re 16, if you feel that they have the ability to understand themselves as much as possible and understand how to communicate, I think that’s really key.

Melanie:  Big question here, Dr. Herman. Do we want our children dating in high school? Do we want them concentrating on school or is it good that they learn the in’s and out’s of relationships and dealing with all that stuff.

Dr. Herman:  Yes. Well, I think we always want our kids to be focused on what they should be focused on at that time, whether that’s school or music or hobbies. But, developmentally, this is just naturally going to happen so we don’t necessarily get a say in when they’re going to start to be interested in other people and interested in the dating process. For some kids, it’s going to happen earlier. For some kids, it’s really going to happen later. Some kids don’t even become interested until college. So, if it starts to happen, if you notice that they’re starting to have other types of friends, maybe they’re starting to hang out in groups, you really start to kind of see them on social media, if you’re following them on Facebook or Instagram and they’re talking about or flirting in a way with other people, you’ll start to know, “Okay. Maybe they’re starting to get ready,” and the conversations that, hopefully, you’ve been having earlier on about just things in general--about boys/girls, dating, marriage—hopefully, that conversation window will stay open and that they’ll trust you and talk with you about it.

Melanie:  You bring up a great point about that communication and then you mentioned Facebook and social media. Should a parent be watching what their kids do—and this is a whole show in itself—but, when you’re starting to talk to our children about dating, are there some rules that we set forward and then, should we, as parents, watch that those rules are being adhered to by keeping sort of an eye out for them on those social media sites?

Dr. Herman:  Yes. That’s a great question and when I work with families here at Allina, this is something that comes up a lot. How do I respect their privacy, but at the same time, I’m not sure I can fully trust them. Well, you know, they’re developing. Their brains aren’t mature enough yet to make all the great decisions that we adults are supposed to be making. Monitoring what they do is not only just kind of spying or invading their privacy, what it does is you’re there to kind of help guide them. I think that’s key when we switch that thought in their mind of, “I’m helping them to learn how to understand themselves and how to understand life and other people; that I’m their guide. I’m their mentor.” Being able to see what they’re doing is really important but I don’t recommend that people just sneak it. Hopefully, the relationship has always been open with a lot of communication and that if they’re going to start Instagram or if they’re going to start Facebook, before they even have an account that families set their own guidelines and that the parents do make the rules and what feels comfortable to them. Do they need to be a “friend” with them or if they need to check their phone every few days and they can look at anything they want. As long as it’s discussed and open first so they know going into it and if they say, “No. I don’t want these rules,” then maybe they’re not necessarily ready to have that kind of an account. So, it is a lot about trust and communication and I think parents have every right to monitor along the way so you can help guide them.

Melanie:  Are there some tips and pointers that we can give our teens to help them in this dating process? Obviously, we have to get right down to the heart of things and discuss safety sex and condoms and protection but what about self-esteem? Opening the door for a lady. Who pays? Do we discuss those kinds of things or then are we pushing them into relationships too soon?

Dr. Herman:  You know, I think that the hope is that families are modeling good behavior. So, if there are two parents in the home that their relationship is respectful; that they’re modeling what it’s like to communicate; to have discussions; to get into arguments and then to learn how to make up and how to compromise. So, the kids are watching even when you don’t think that they’re watching. They’re listening and they’re watching. It just kind of subconsciously goes in day after day after day. If you’re modeling those good behaviors in your home, then they’re going to see that. If mom opens the door for dad, dad opens the door for mom or however it is in a two-parent home, then they can see, “Oh, maybe that’s how the social norm is. That’s being respectful. That’s being helpful.” If there’s a single parent, which a lot of families now go through separation and go through a divorce, how do they communicate with their ex-spouse? With the child’s dad? With the child’s mom? How are they when they are kind of re-starting the dating process, if that’s something that happens? How do they talk to one another? The kids are watching us, so I think that modeling is probably the biggest and best thing that parents can really do and then, along the way, I think having the communication open. So, the kids are 10 years old and they’re watching an MTV video awards and they see something like Miley Cyrus dancing and it’s provocative and it’s a little racy and everybody kind of doesn’t know what to think, that’s a great conversation starter. You know, “What did you think of that? What did you think of that behavior? Is that something your friends do? Is that something you would do?” Obviously, not on TV but at parties, at sleepovers. You know, these are things that can really get the conversation started and for parents to understand how their kids think and that’s really what’s going to help and guide them through the dating process.

Melanie:  We don’t have a lot of time, Dr. Herman, but it’s such a great, great topic that so many parents are wondering about and so, in just the last few questions here, is it okay to look over the teen’s dating choices and what if you don’t like who it is they’re dating just as what if you don’t like the friends they’re hanging out with? Maybe they’re a bad influence or they dress Goth and have lots of tattoos or anything along those lines. How do you, as a parent, not make the child rebel by saying, “I don’t want you to go out with that person”?

Dr. Herman:  Well, I think you’re right. The moment we are told what to do from somebody else, what do we all do? We’re like, “Well, I’m not going to do what you say.”

Melanie:  Really.

Dr. Herman:  Even us adults, right? I mean, who can tell you what to do even if they have good intentions? We have to kind of learn it for ourselves. Kids and teenagers are going through this time. It’s such a delicate and powerful time where they’re trying to figure themselves out. So, they’re going to go through stages and different groups and they might dye their hair and they might want piercings or tattoos.  Again, that’s up to each family to decide what their own morals and values are and what can happen and what can’t. But, I think as long as the communication is open, if you’re seeing that the kids aren’t making great choices, maybe they have friends that are drinking or smoking weed or you know that they’re doing that, that’s a great time to maybe ask them and then listen. “You know, what do you like about your group of friends?” Just listen. Open-ended. No judgment. Let them talk about it. “You know, I noticed that some of your friends are smoking weed. What do you think about that? What do you think about doing drugs?” Then, hopefully, that communication is there and that respect and bond is there for them to say, “Yes, I’ve done it. I’ve tried it. Have you?” Or, maybe you’ll realize, “Wow, they don’t really know what to think. “I don’t know. I just think that it’s bad. I’ll never do that.” That kind of gets that conversation started where as long as we’re called and we know that there’s going to be different phases they go through and they’re talking to us and you’re listening, that’s the biggest thing. That’s, again, where kind of help to guide them. You know, we sometimes do need to tell them. It’s not going to happen. They can have their tantrums and whatnot. Hopefully, them rebelling will soon fade. If there’s just kind of choices and friends, that’s normal teenage development and learning and they’re going to have to go through it. We all did. Hopefully, they’ll turn out okay and learn more about themselves from kind of who they’re with and kind of what their parents are guiding them to do.

Melanie:  And then, in just the last minute, give us your best advice for parents in starting that discussion about teen dating with our teens.

Dr. Herman:  Start it early. It’s really never too early. If kids understand by the age of six that you’re going to talk about your friends at school or even earlier, sharing toys at daycare or at pre-school. What do you like about your friend, Nancy? Is she funny? Is she cute? Is she smart? Is she silly? Getting the conversation started early. So, as they grow up and as they’re becoming more independent and they start to become a little more rebellious, which is natural, that you’re still there every step of the way; that they can communicate with you and you’re listening. We tend, as parents, to talk and tell and want them to do what we want them to do because we know through living through it what’s maybe the right decision. But, realizing that every child is their own person and they’re going to grow at their own pace and their own developmental trajectory and everybody’s brain grows at a different rate. We just kind of need to watch for things like anxiety or depression if they’re not handling it well. If we need more help—and I guess that’s why I’m doing a group here in January for teens that are struggling with anxiety and depression. It’s a small group and kids can learn from each other and learn from resiliency and coping skills. When parents are like, “I don’t know what else to do,” bringing them to a life professional, a life social worker, a family therapist is really going to be helpful to be helpful to kind of get everybody back on track.

Melanie:  Thank you so much. It’s great information. You’re listening to The WELLCast with Allina Health. For more information, you can go to AllinaHealth.org. That’s AllinaHealth.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.