Transcription:

Bill Klaproth (Host): When leading through a crisis, your team is in need of your care and compassion. Learning how to give self-compassion can help us be more compassionate with others. The American Organization for Nursing Leadership welcomes Dr. Teri Pipe, Arizona State University's Chief Wellbeing Officer and Founding Director of ASU's Center for Mindfulness, Compassion and Resilience to discuss how to give self-compassion. Dr. Pipe, thank you for your time. So, we do hear a lot about compassion towards others, but the flip side of that is self-compassion that I don't think a lot of us practice. Why is self-compassion so important?

Teri Pipe, PhD, RN (Guest): It's a great question. You know, often we are the most hard on ourselves. And so, one reason to have self-compassion is that when we do learn to be a little bit more gentle and kind with ourselves and talk to ourselves in a more supportive way, it's naturally going to happen that then we will be more likely to be kind and compassionate to other people. And the world has never needed that more than it does right now. So, I would like to just maybe talk about when I say compassion, what I'm talking about so that we're sure that we're on the same page. So, compassion is, you know, we talk about empathy and empathy is sort of like walking in someone else's shoes. Compassion is different.

Compassion is walking on the same path with someone, not trying to get into their shoes. So, it means really sharing someone's experience without trying to fix them, without trying to perhaps make it better, but to just activate this really genuine sense of kindness and support without perhaps having the answer. So, when we think about being compassionate with ourselves, often it means really being our own best friend and talking with ourselves the way that we would to a best friend. And, you know, if, when you make a mistake, when I make a mistake, often my self-talk, maybe your self-talk is exactly the opposite of what we would say tell a friend. So, just practicing and we have lots of ways to practice and lots of opportunities to practice when we are with, you know, with ourself and hearing that inner voice. Is there a way that we can just take it a little bit in the direction of being kinder and more supportive?

Host: Right. Yeah, that's really good. I love how you said we need to talk to ourselves the same way we would talk to a beloved friend. That's really good. Why don't we do that? Why do we treat ourselves badly?

Dr. Pipe: Well, there's a, there is a physiological reason why that happens and it's, although it's also cultural, but I'll talk about the brain network first. So, our brain is built to really have a negativity bias to scan our environment for anything that might be wrong or dangerous and to really focus on that. Well, that's fine for survival mode and that's done our human race, a really good service in getting us to this point in history. So, that's all a good system. However, when we over identify with the negative. And by the way, nurses and physicians and healthcare workers are really, really good at this because we're trained to find problems and we're rewarded for finding problems. It's the right thing to do in our careers. But when we turn that ability inward and we are constantly scanning for the wrong things, the problems, the deficiencies, that's what we see. And, sometimes our talk about that to ourselves can be really damaging. And that actually, it is damaging because we wear that pattern in our brain further and further, the more that we engage in the negative self-talk.

Host: So, I'm sure this is easier said than done, but how can we treat ourselves better? How can we be more compassionate towards ourselves?

Dr. Pipe: So, there are a couple ways that I would suggest and one is to really build a self-compassion practice. And there are lots of different ways to do this. And it really involves a meditative practice where for five or 10 minutes, you set aside some time, and you go through a guided meditation and there are many, many available. But one that I like to use is that you imagine yourself in a room with a chair and a friend of yours comes in and sits in the chair, someone that you really care about, and that person tells you the problem that they're having only, it's actually a problem that you are having. And so you relate to that friend and you tell them words of comfort and you might gesture to them in a comforting way, maybe hugging them or touching them. However, you would comfort a dear friend, looking in their eyes. And then that friend gets up and leaves. And, an image of you actually comes in and sits in that chair.

And then you go through that process of extending to yourself, kind and compassionate words and gestures and looking in your own eyes and then, you know, the meditation ends and you have experienced in your being, what it feels like, you know, emotionally and physically what it's like to be held in that same kind of dignified, respectful, compassionate way.

And so you can practice that. Repeatedly. And then when you get into real life, the next time that you make a mistake and you go down that path of berating yourself, you can catch yourself. Notice is the first important step. Notice what you're - how you're treating yourself. And then you can engage a kinder self-talk because you've practiced it before, like an athlete practices before a game. Your game is life and your practice is sitting with self-compassion and there are lots of different scripts and guided meditations available, free and widely, widely useful.

Host: I love that. Our game is life. And we need, we need, and we need to build a self-compassion practice. I love how you said all of that, you know? Because we all make mistakes. We're all human. But speaking for myself, I know when I screw something up, I'm like, duh, what did you do? You were so stupid, what's wrong with you? Oh my God. And the boss is going to be mad at you. This is horrible. There goes that promotion. But maybe think about it. How you just explained to us, what would a caring friend say to you in that situation? You're a hard worker. You care, you do good work. You're valuable to this organization. It's not that big of a deal. Everything's gonna be okay. That's kind of how we should look at it?

Dr. Pipe: Yes. And you know, kind of a side effect of this is that when we start treating ourselves that way, we just naturally, just very naturally start to treat other people that way too. So, when they make a mistake, we'll just be a little bit more understanding. Or when they do something to aggravate us, we'll the default will more naturally be to go to, you know, give them the benefit of the doubt or, you know, they were well-intentioned. So, you know, it really gives us that chance to be compassionate, not only with ourselves, but also to other people.

Host: And if we were all more loving and compassionate with each other, what a better world that would be. Oh, my goodness. That would be great. So, Dr. Pipe, we don't come with an instruction manual. We just try to figure it out as we go. Do you think lack of self-compassion because we really don't learn this. Do you think lack of self-compassion is one of the main things that hold us back and ultimately keep us from living a life full of joy and satisfaction and happiness?

Dr. Pipe: I really do. I, I believe that very strongly. And that's why a lot of my work is focused on that. And this comes from my nursing background of working with a lot of people toward the end of their life, older people or people that were facing a life-threatening diagnosis. And one of their major regrets when they learn mindfulness or they learn self-compassion is, oh, I wish I would've known. I wish I would've known this earlier because I would've lived differently. You know, I would have shown up for my life differently. I would have shown up for myself differently and other people.

So, that really inspires me to teach it, you know, and talk about these topics with lots of other people, because we do want to be alive for our life and for those that we love and respect and care about.

Host: So, you mentioned nurses again, I'm just wondering for a nurse that's in the middle of this, life and death is all around that person. Is there a way to practice self-compassion in the moment if they're feeling down or unworthy? Is it as simple as just taking a deep breath and saying to yourself, you're doing good work, you're valuable, you're needed. Is it as simple as that?

Dr. Pipe: That's exactly right. And those are exactly the messages that we need to tell ourselves. And the nurses and physicians and the healthcare team can tell themselves and really need to tell themselves and each other. You know, there's a really deep comradery that goes on in a crisis. And I, from what I'm seeing and hearing that comradery and that support is right there. Please take it, you know, be willing to receive compassion from other people and likewise be willing to give it.

And I think, you know, for me, it comes down to something that I learned when I was providing nursing care. And then when I was teaching student nurses is that sometimes you can't heal the patient, but you can always heal the moment. And so even when people die or when they take it a serious turn, being present with them and nurses do this, physicians do this. I'm just reminding them how valuable it is being present for that is just such important work and by healing the moment, moment after moment after moment, you're making a huge contribution and you, unfortunately, we can't save every patient in this situation, but you can always heal the moment.

Host: Wow. I love that. I love that. Heal the moment. So, if the moment isn't going well, and you're down on yourself and then negative self-talk is creeping in, you just got to try to stop, center yourself and I'm useful. I'm valuable. I'm needed. I'm worthwhile. And just keep going. That's kind of it, that's the message.

Dr. Pipe: That is very contagious too. I didn't mention that there is a social contagion to compassion and to mindfulness so that, you know, just like you're bringing in that kind of energy of either being self, you know, really negative to yourself, you're bringing that into the environment and other people will sense it. And so likewise, when you bring in a more positive or healing state, you're going to bring that in. And in that is also very contagious.

Host: Well that's one thing we definitely want to spread and that's more self-compassion. Dr. Pipe, this has been great. Thank you so much for your insight and your time. We appreciate it greatly. Thank you again.

Dr. Pipe: Thank you so much. And thanks to all of the nurses and physicians and others who are doing that work on the front lines.