Transcription:
Your Grief Matters

Intro: Here's another edition of the BayCare Health System's podcast series, BayCare HealthChat

Deborah Howell (Host): Welcome to BayCare HealthChat. I'm Deborah Howell, and I invite you to listen as we discuss grief and bereavement. Today, we'll find out how important and helpful learning about grief can be. I'm joined today by Becca Bass, Bereavement Coordinator for BayCare's Morton Plant Mease Hospitals. Becca, so nice to have you with us today.

Rebecca "Becca" Bass (Guest): Well, thank you. I appreciate this opportunity to speak about grief.

Host: Absolutely. So, let's jump on in. What do we know about grief?

Becca: Well, I think one of the most important things to know about grief is that each person's experience is unique to them. We often simply offer permission to people to feel whatever they're feeling. To navigate their grief in the way that they feel needs to happen. Because there's so many ways that grief varies from person to person, based on the relationship that existed that is being grieved, based on maybe some past experiences of loss and also on what people find helpful uniquely to them. There are also some common threads that run through the grieving process. But I think that's the most important thing that I share with people I'm in touch with.

Host: And can you tell us a little bit about secondary losses?

Becca: Sure. So, speaking today, I may be referring mostly to experiences of loss due to death. That's what we would call the primary loss. The primary loss is the loss of our loved one. But when we lose our loved one, we also have other things that change as a result in our life. I think of my neighbor whose husband died and all of a sudden she woke up one day and she realized she'd lost the person who cared for the yard and she lost the one who knew about the finances. We can even lose some friendships. Perhaps sometimes people who were close to us may draw a little more distant because they're not well, maybe not so comfortable being around us as we're grieving. So, relationships can change, our own practical life experiences can change. There are just so many things and sometimes there's even a loss of hope about the future. Like what is my life going to be like now? So, it's really important to acknowledge the many different layers of loss that can come about.

Host: And what you're talking about is so, so true. So, what does grief really feel like? And if you can use some images that would be helpful.

Becca: Yeah. I really like referring to images in grief because I think images can hold more of the subtleties of an experience. So, one image I like is that grief is like a volume switch. This is an image I got from a wonderful resource called speakinggrief.org, produced by PBS and Penn State University. It's a great resource. But what that means is when our loss occurs, the volume on our grief is turned up, meaning that we're aware of our grief. And while over time, our grief may subside or maybe not be so front and center, meaning that the volume may be turned down; there'll still be moments, well, think of like an anniversary or maybe even going to the grocery store and boy you are triggered by some memory of a particular food item, whatever it might be, our grief can then be turned back up.

And so it's a process over time of learning to sort of modulate our grief. And to be aware that it's entirely natural for it to come and go and to rise and fall. And so sometimes people use the image of waves. I mean, here in Florida, that would be a rich image for us. You know, like the waves are a little more calm today. Today, I'm feeling a little bit more able to engage my life as I would hope to be able to do. And then boom, here comes a wave. And a wave can be a picture that pops up on your memories on your phone or whatever it may be. So, it's just, I think it's helpful for people who are grieving to maybe reference an image that will speak to them.

Host: You know, there's a big myth about grief that it has this timeline. Can we talk about that a little bit, Becca?

Becca: You know, there's a language about the stages of grief, you know, denial and anger and bargaining and sadness and acceptance. And it sounds like sometimes to grievers, like, wow, where am I in this linear process? What stage am I in? When in fact, the experience of grief is much more chaotic than that, much more what we might say organic, meaning that it's not linear. It can be that we can go within minutes between one of those stages or not. We can feel deeply sad. And then we may want to deny that this even happened. And then later that day, we may say, well, maybe it's important that over time I recognize that some acceptance can come. So, it's really much more of organic experience, I think is the word I like best because it's not a step-by-step linear process. And I think that's what can maybe trouble some people who are grieving that there may be expectations from others. Like, well, come on, let's go, let's get over this.

Or, you mean, you're still feeling so sad? And those are ways that whether people have the best of intentions and sometimes can say things that are less helpful to those who are grieving. And so that's one of the things it's not so helpful is to imply any sort of judgment about the grief timeline or how that's progressing.

Host: Right. I had a friend who was mourning her loss of her cat more than a year later. And some of my friends were giving her a little bit of trouble about that, but I'm, I'm like I completely understand this.

Becca: That's a great example. And for some people, pets are their absolute primary relationship. And so, the more we can accept and just meet people who are grieving, right where they are, the more supportive they'll find our accompaniment of them.

Host: Right because we all experience grief differently. Correct?

Becca: Exactly. I think if there's one message for today, I hope that would be one that would come across.

Host: What helps us get through the grief process? Do certain activities help?

Becca: Well, I'm going to go back to that unique thing. There are so many things that can help, but it's certainly no one size fits all or check this box. For instance, when I was processing my grief, I found it very helpful to do some journaling. To write out how I was feeling. For other people that wouldn't be an activity that they would turn to, but they may instead head outdoors for a run or for a walk in nature.

Some people say, well, I like to look at photos of my loved one and others will say, I'm not ready for that. I just can't do that. So, I think it's important for each individual to sort of take stock of what is helpful. Is phoning a friend helpful? Is taking your mind off it completely by working a crossword puzzle helpful? Whatever is helpful is what is okay. There are suggestions, for instance, some people find grief support groups, very helpful. I talk to a lot of people who call, who want a referral for what can help me, but the first question I ask them is well would you prefer to talk with someone individually or are you drawn to groups?

And sometimes people say, oh no groups, I can't stand groups. And other people will say, oh, I love groups. It was so helpful to me when. So, it's a matter of coming to understand for yourself, what's worked for you before when there's been some struggle, and turning to those resources.

Host: Anyone who has ever been through it, Becca, knows that grief is a whole body experience. Let's talk about some of the physical symptoms related to grief.

Becca: I think that's so important. I'll get phone calls and people will say I'm so exhausted. I don't know what's the matter with me or I think I'm losing my mind. I can't remember anything or I can't remember where I put my keys, whatever it is. It's really important to know that grief is a whole body experience. We often focus on the emotional aspects of grief, the feelings we experience with grief. But it's really important to know the physical symptoms of grief, the exhaustion, and well people can experience weight gain, or weight loss. I can't stop eating, or I don't feel like eating at all. Even aches and pains and tension that you're carrying a lot when you're grieving and it's heavy physically, as well as emotionally. And then the other thing is grief impacts our brains. It can be really hard to think clearly when stressed. Clear thinking is often the first thing to go, difficult to process information. It's very common to be forgetful.

And people will often refer to as just losing a sense of time. Even what day is it today? I think we've all experienced that in the pandemic, you know, where, wow I've heard the term blurs day, like today's blurs day. Because we don't even know what day of the week it is. And maybe that's some of the collective grief that we were carrying. But for those who are really grieving, the most ordinary tasks can be really difficult.

Host: Oh, the brain fog. I completely remember that and you can't just get going. You'd have to put one foot in front of the other and sometimes it just seems impossible. So, grief really impacts every aspect of life, doesn't it?

Becca: It really does. It really does. You know, sometimes there are financial impacts. Suddenly the social security changes or the salary changes. Sometimes a move is forced because of a need to rearrange one's living situation. In the fall months, we offer support around the holidays. You know, how on earth am I going to do Christmas? Or how on earth might we gather for Thanksgiving after this loss? So, everything is redefined. I read a quote the other day. It said, "some people talk about the stages of grief, but they're really two stages, who you were before you experienced this loss and who you are now." And who you are now will evolve and change over time.

People do re-engage life. New things happen. New people come to your life. You return to important traditions, memories bring a smile instead of tears. And still it's not the same. Life is forever changed. And grief is really the very human natural response to change. Often times deep, soulful, painful change that comes about in our life, and that's what we really benefit from attending to.

Host: Yeah, that's what I always tell my girlfriends, listen, you know, in later years it's probably going to be us. So, the more we can bond right now and travel together and then it won't seem so strange when we're doing it in our eighties and nineties. Maybe if our men have passed before us.

Becca: Yea, exactly. So, live life to the full. Every day is a gift.

Host: Well Becca, this has been so, so enlightening. Thank you so much for all the good information you've given us today. A great gift to have you on the podcast.

Becca: Well, thank you for having me.

Host: Learn more about BayCare services by visiting baycare.org. And that wraps up this episode of BayCare HealthChat. Always remember to subscribe, rate and review this podcast and all the other BayCare podcasts so we can share the wealth of information from our experts together. This is Deborah Howell. Have yourself a terrific day.