Transcription:
What to Expect for New Dads

Intro: This is BayCare HealthChat. Another podcast from BayCare Health System.

Deborah Howell:  Welcome to BayCare HealthChat. I'm Deborah Howell, and I invite you to listen as we talk about what to expect when you're an expecting father. Today I'm joined by Sean Wilder, a certified pediatric nurse practitioner with BayCare and a father of four, so he knows more than a little about fatherhood. Sean, a true pleasure to have you with us today.

Sean Wilder: Thank you for having me.

Deborah Howell: Our pleasure. So jumping right in, being a new father of course takes some planning ahead. What are some of the things on the to-do list?

Sean Wilder: Well, you definitely need to take some time just to think about what all changes are going to be taking place and everything is going to change. And so, taking a moment to catch your breath and figure out a game plan as things are moving forward. And some of that is related to work and some is related to home life and how everything is going to change there.

Deborah Howell: Sure. I suppose things like paternity leave and time off, you have to make allocations for that.

Sean Wilder: Absolutely. Taking some time to look at your company's policies regarding paternity leave and, you know, if it's going to require any FMLA documentation or just deciding how much time you're going to take to ease that transition. And then, looking at things about what the duties are going to be at home and what's going to be your responsibility versus what is going to be your partner's responsibility on an ongoing basis. And even starting pretty early in the pregnancy can help that transition just because, in those first few weeks, there's some sleepless nights and things get rough. And so having a good game plan can really help that transition.

So, along with that, just kind of accepting that things are going to change. The amount of time you have for yourself, your free time and even your relationship with your partner is going to change. And so, accepting that and kind of being flexible with everything. And part of that too is having good communication with your partner. And if you're getting overwhelmed or things are confusing or anything, having that good communication with your partner definitely eases the stress in those first few weeks.

Deborah Howell: Absolutely. An exciting new chapter and you need to learn some new words and vocabulary. And what are some of the things you need to register for or buy before a baby comes?

Sean Wilder: So registering and buying for things, you can definitely get overwhelmed because there is every baby product you can think of. And at times, you can get caught up in things. And I know my wife and I, when we were registering, we did our registry and then we went back and looked at these things that we registered for, and then you sit back and, "Wait, do I really need that? Or is this just some marketing thing that we've gotten caught up into?" And so sometimes it's good to talk to some other parents and see what they actually used and what worked for them and what they had that they really didn't need. And you can also talk to some of them and see if it's something that you can borrow from somebody, especially items that you don't need for a long period. So, when it comes down to the basics, having the bassinet, the crib, monitor things like that. But beyond that, it can get very overwhelming because there are so many products out there.

Deborah Howell: Yeah, there's a lot of stuff. And especially if you have a glass of wine and you're in bed with your phone, you're going to want to buy everything.

Sean Wilder: Oh, absolutely.

Deborah Howell: Of course, I'm not talking about the mother having the glass of wine. Now, how can you support your partner during the pregnancy?

Sean Wilder: So, understanding that she's going through a lot in every phase of the pregnancy. And that things are different for her. There are things she'd like to do that she's just not able to. And so sometimes it's the little things, like just going to appointments with her. just being that support and being there to listen. Pregnancy brain is a real thing, and so being another set of ears to kind of go over things again if anything's missed in that appointment is very helpful.

But then also there's going to be chores that are typically done around the house that can't be done anymore. And then moving forward, going ahead and starting to be prepared for the delivery itself. I know we all see deliveries on TV and in movies and it’s nothing like that. It is a loud, messy experience and can get a little chaotic at times. And so, taking a birthing class or watching some videos online or even talking to other people that have gone through it and finding out what an actual birth looks like can be helpful so that you are more comfortable on the day when it does come.

And then along those lines, discussing what your job's going to be at the birth. Are you going to be just there to make mom feel better? Or are you going to be more involved in and helping to hold a leg back or anything like that. And being honest with what you're comfortable with. And so if you're not the best person to be that all-hands-on-deck-support, that's fine. But then maybe finding somebody who can do that. There's no shame in admitting that, you're going to be there to take pictures and all that, but you're not the one to be there and cheer on while she's breathing.

Deborah Howell: Yeah. If you're going to faint dead away and you know it, you're probably not best to have a primary role.

Sean Wilder: Absolutely. Absolutely.

Deborah Howell: All right. So the couple has made it through the birth. Hurrah! But the first few weeks are pretty intense. How can you support your partner at home?

Sean Wilder: So the first few weeks are a lot. You're not getting as much sleep as you usually are. And your partner has just gone through a lot and hormones are crazy. So doing what you can, obviously picking up the slack for any domestic duties and things like that. But even little things with the baby. So when it is time for a feeding at night, being the one to go get the baby, going ahead and changing the diaper and bringing the baby to mom for a feeding. Or if you're giving formula or pumped breast milk, going ahead and giving a feeding with a bottle and really having an active role just because she's tired. And she has earned a break and some extra help. And that also helps with bonding as well, just because that can be a difficult thing at times.

Deborah Howell: How long can it take to bond with your baby?

Sean Wilder: So it's not uncommon for dads to really not bond until about four months. And it's kind of weird to hear. I remember when somebody told me that with our first that I was like, "No, I've definitely bonded." And then when we got to about the four-month mark, it kind of hit me and I almost looked at my wife and I was like, "Wow. This is what you have been feeling this whole time." And moms have that jumpstart, because they're bonding from the first second. But with dads, it can take a little bit longer and that's totally normal. Those first few months the baby just changes so many things that it can take some time.

And so usually around the four-month mark is when babies become a little bit more interactive, they start to become a person instead of just a thing that cries and poops and wakes you up in the middle of the night. And so that tends to be when dads really start to bond. Now, maintaining some of those duties with the baby can definitely foster that bonding. And so I know in our house, bath time was always done by me. And that was a time that was just me and the baby and it kind of helped to encourage that bonding.

Deborah Howell: I would also expect that there's some fear. I mean, you know, "What if I drop it? You have to be so careful. It's so tiny," which prevents the bonding, you know?

Sean Wilder: Absolutely. They are so tiny. And of course, when you're dressing them at the beginning, you feel like you're going to break them. And of course, they turn into a drunk octopus when you're trying to put the onesie on them. And so it can be a little intimidating.

Deborah Howell: That's awesome, Sean. All right. How can a new father get plugged into his new role?

Sean Wilder: So taking some time to kind of reflect is always a good first step. Think about the kind of dad that you want to be. And then also kind of taking some time look at your own relationship with your father or even father figures that you've had. And that may be a good reflection or a bad reflection. So getting an idea of what you don't want to be is probably better than what you want to be. And so taking that time to really think about that can definitely help guide you as you move forward.

And then there are a lot of good books to read. Social media has been phenomenal when it comes to a kind of father network that is out there. There are a lot of Instagram accounts and different groups where you can sometimes commiserate, but also get some tips ideas from some of these other dads, because now we are seeing a kind of a transition with fathers. They're more involved. It's not Mr. Mom. It's not being a babysitter. You get to be dad, which is infinitely better.

Deborah Howell: And so different from even one generation ago.

Sean Wilder: Absolutely. Absolutely. And even in the last 10, 15 years, that has changed and seeing much more involved fathers and even a growing number of stay-at-home dads.

Deborah Howell: And it's kind of a proud thing to wear the apron, kiss the cook, change the diaper, do the feedings. It's a matter of pride these days, not shame.

Sean Wilder: Definitely. Definitely.

Deborah Howell: Well, Sean, this has been so enlightening. Thank you so much for all our good information you've given us today. I know our producer, Justin, is now ready to be a father of four.

Sean Wilder: Perfect. Perfect. Well, thank you for having me.

Deborah Howell: And you can learn more about maternity services at BayCareMaternity.org. And that wraps up this episode of BayCare HealthChat. Always remember to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast and all the other BayCare podcasts. So we can share the wealth of information from our experts together.

This is Deborah Howell. Have yourself a terrific day.