Transcription:
Cancer and Your Career: Balancing Work, Emotions and a Diagnosis

Intro: This is BayCare HealthChat. Another podcast from BayCare Health System.

Maggie McKay (Host): Welcome to BayCare HealthChat. I'm Maggie McKay. And in this episode, we'll be discussing cancer and your career - balancing work, emotions and a diagnosis. Our guest today is Jessica Kilgore, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at BayCare Health System.

Jessica, what's your advice when a patient is feeling like they have to share their story with everyone, is that helpful or even necessary?

Jessica Kilgore, M.Ed., LMHC, CCMHC, NCC, CMHIMP (Guest): Actually, it can be both helpful and very unnecessary. So, I think this is something that each person needs to take on an individual basis. And one of the things that I would really recommend people look at is what you said, is this really necessary? Do certain people in my life, whether it's coworkers or other members of staff, or even the world, friends at large, need to know what's really happening with me?

And maybe it's you know what I would like people to know that I am going through cancer. And maybe then you get to choose who you really share the intimate details with. Maybe for your career, it's important that your team knows that I'm going to be out because I do have a cancer diagnosis. Then maybe you don't want to go into the specifics and a patient should never feel like they should have to share that story with anyone.

So it's really important that not only the patient is aware that sharing your story is really personal and it is your choice. Also coworkers and supervisors need to be aware that they need to talk to their fellow colleagues and ask them, would you like to share your story? Would you like me to share your story? How much of your story would you like to be shared? So, it's really important to have an open conversation around this and to never feel like you have to tell everyone.

Host: That is so key. Some people, at the workplace may be battling cancer and don't tell anybody. And then, they don't make it. And afterwards, everyone's like, well, why didn't they tell us? We wished we had known, but it's their choice, right?

Jessica: It is their choice. And we've seen this play out on the main media stage. We've had some actors and actresses that have had a cancer diagnosis and people are wondering, well, why didn't they say anything? And that is a very personal choice and it may be for great reasons. Maybe the person is generally a private person. Maybe it's very difficult to talk about the diagnosis and the treatment. And sometimes as much as we try to be very helpful, people on the outside, we might not ask or respond in ways that are comforting or encouraging. And so it might be that the patient just doesn't want to have to answer questions or hear things.

And sometimes they get tired of hearing things like you're going to do this. You're going to beat this. You're great. You're so strong. I've had so many patients tell me if one more person tells me how strong I am, I'm going to punch them in the face because they don't want to have to be strong, right?

This is something they're going through, this wasn't a choice. And so giving them the choice of what they share is very empowering.

Host: Totally understandable. How can patients protect their energy and understand how valuable of a resource it is?

Jessica: So this is a lesson for not only patients who are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, this is a lesson for all of us. We have limited energy every day. And it is important that we look at where is it best to spend that energy. So that being said, it could be on work projects that are really good for me to do that tap into certain parts of my energy, but not others. And what I mean by that is physical energy, emotional energy and mental energy. So sometimes it's, I need to work this physical project because it helps tire my body, but it doesn't take a lot of my mental stamina because I'm using that dealing with my cancer diagnosis.

So maybe it's nice because it helps the mind numb a little bit, while it still feels productive and maybe at other times, it's that because of the treatment or because of the cancer itself, I'm very physically fatigued and I'd rather have something that challenges my mind or my creativity, where I feel like I can come alive, and reserve the physical energy for my body to fight back with the treatment.

It's really important when we're receiving chemotherapy, radiation, any type of treatment for cancer, that we understand that the body needs as much energy as possible to recover from the treatments as well as to just boost the immune system. And so knowing that it's okay to say, I can't do that right now, but I might do that later. And being able to protect that energy and saying no to that invite for coffee, when maybe you want to use that energy for something at work or something personal, maybe, so really kind of learning how to prioritize is important.

Host: And when it comes to physical and emotional activities, what are some tools to learn so you can set healthy boundaries like you were saying, you can say no?

Jessica: Yes. So there is a quote that I have in my office from Prentis Hemphill, and it says, boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously. So, what that means is that I can feel like I'm still being good to you and good to myself at the same time. And so boundaries are really important to say, for example, we'll just use someone who might be getting chemotherapy. These are the days that I get chemotherapy. Maybe I have chemo on a Monday and I'm going to feel pretty good so I can work or I can do activities on Monday. I might be tired from the infusion, but I might not be feeling the effects. Tuesday. I still might feel pretty well, but on Wednesday, I know I'm not.

And so going ahead and saying, you know what, Wednesday is off everybody's calendar. I am totally unavailable Wednesday and Thursday. And you would find that with your own regimen of whatever you're doing to say, you know what, this is a boundary for me so that I can protect my energy. Another protecting of that emotional energy and physical energy is like I said, prioritizing and finding when to say no. That's not going to benefit me right now. Meaning that might tap into my energy when I can't have it tapped into, or that might run up against a doctor's appointment that's really important for me. And I don't want to be late. So being able to say here are my boundaries with this. This actually goes back to the very first thing that you asked me about too, which is about my story. Who do I want to share my story with? That is a boundary. And so somebody can say, you know what, I'm willing to talk to you about this much of my story and then I get to stop.

And we, as individuals talking to those people need to learn how to respect that and to say there's a reason and they are entitled to that because that is their choice. So figuring out for each individual, where are my days that I feel the best? What do I want to do with those days? When are my days that I might not feel as good and that I need to protect and how do I protect that time? That can even be not answering the phone or text messages and letting friends and family know if you need me, here's a contact or I will text you when I'm feeling better. Please don't worry. Those types of things can be good for boundaries.

Host: That's a really good idea. What are some ways to create new routines that help a person balance medical necessity and work responsibility?

Jessica: So it can get kind of hairy when somebody is trying to continue to work and go through treatment. And not that it can't be done, it can be depending on the individual and the job. And I think that's something important too, to look at is not to say, well, Susie was able to work and go through chemotherapy and do all of these things. I feel like I should as well because she could. We have to remember and give ourselves permission to say, Susie may have a different cancer and a different treatment and just a different scenario and a job altogether. Whereas I may have something totally different and to not beat ourselves up if we choose different decisions for ourselves.

And so creating new routines might be, that I might go to bed at a different time. I might sleep a little longer. I may take my workday and structure it to where I can have a nap in the middle of the day or some sort of respite so that I can step away. And of course that's for those people that can do that, it may mean for others asking, can I have a shorter shift?

Maybe instead of working a 12 hour, I work eight or instead of eight, I work four, so that we're really balancing and creating some routines, specifically around nutrition and making sure we were getting plenty of fluids in our body. So we want to structure our day so that a person is really getting what they need medically. So that would mean our nutrition, our rest, our treatments, our doctor's appointments, and then allowing the work responsibility to come in. And of course always having open dialogue with your coworkers, your colleagues, and your supervisors about what is okay for you and what feels good and what they need you to prioritize. So really having those conversations is an important piece of this.

Host: Well, maybe one of the hardest things for a lot of people to do is to say no, as we touched on earlier a little bit, or to ask for help when you're balancing work, family and battling cancer. So are there some things you can do to change that mindset? And if so, what are they?

Jessica: So those are two really hard things. We live in a culture that promotes our independence and not asking for help and also in a culture sometimes with work where we need to be the yes person, or it creates some kinds of fears in us that what if I don't say yes and I don't do the things that they're asking me to do, that maybe I will be passed over. I will be looked at less favorably. It really is a large task for us to get comfortable with asking for help. And sometimes it can be the small things, like I said, asking for help is even saying, I'm not going to answer my phone from this time to this time, that's a way to ask for help by saying, please don't bother me and allow me to have this time to rest or this time to recharge. Being able to say no and having people really understand that no is not a personal thing. No is about, I may not think that that's best for me right now in terms of going out to coffee or, hey, can you work over for a little bit? No, I can't. I really need my rest so that my body can recover so I can be even better tomorrow. You know, so it's really kind of thinking in the future is one of the things that can help us get comfortable is not what feels good and right in the moment, but what we might be looking at in the future.

So it may feel good and right to say, yeah, sure. I'll go out for dinner this evening after work. When we think about tomorrow and think, oh my gosh, that means I don't get home until late and I don't get to have my normal routine. That I'm actually going to pay for that tomorrow because I won't be as rested. And so sometimes it's about learning to think ahead of what will that cost me later?

So it may look fun and great right now, but in the end it may actually cost me for tomorrow. And do I really want to do that? And that goes back to learning about that energy being such a valuable resource, that sometimes we have to hone it and change it and put the cap on it when we need to. Even sometimes when we feel really good.

Host: How important is it to find your safe space to process emotions and how do you manage that?

Jessica: So it's extremely important for you to find a safe space to process emotions. That can look a couple of different ways. One, it could be self-care of processing emotions spending some time alone. Maybe if you like to journal, journal, if you like to do some artistic things, drawing or coloring or something along those lines, do that. Because that help is an outlet for emotion. If it's listening to music, do that. Those are things that people can do alone. It's also important that we have safe spaces in terms of people in our life. And I say that, that is a space because it's important to have people who will hold space for your motion. What I mean by that is finding someone who will allow you to experience the fullness of your emotion without trying to shut it down. So somebody that can say, wow, that must be really hard and allow you to cry or allow you to scream and kick and yell if you need to, or just kind of take a breath and maybe even sit in silence and just be there with you, because what becomes really hard for us is when people say, oh, it's okay, you're going to be fine. You're strong. You're great. You're all of these things. And sometimes it shuts people down to not talk about what they're really feeling, because they don't want to disappoint someone or worry them that they may not be doing as well.

So it's important to have those safe spaces and people, sometimes that's a good friend, a family member, even a coworker or a supervisor. At other times, it's somebody like myself, a licensed mental health counselor that can give you that space that you don't have to worry about upsetting me or worrying me as a counselor, because this is what I am doing for you is providing that space. I'm here to work for you to help you kind of go through your emotions and figure out where am I, where do I want to be? How do I want to process this? Because as counselors, we believe that everything you need is inside of you.

Sometimes we just have to help clear the clutter for you to get to that. And by clearing the clutter, sometimes that's just listening and not adding to it by saying things that we think are really helpful, but they're actually not. And then of course, it's always important to touch into, how are you feeling about where you are just in general with life, with the diagnosis, with work, to be able to just talk those things out and have that time where you don't have to worry again about upsetting anyone. And you can say what's really on your heart and what's on your mind and be able to be provided with support in that nonjudgmental presence to allow you to be where you need to be.

Host: Invaluable. Thank you so much, Jessica, for shedding some light on this very important topic and helping us learn ways to manage it.

Jessica: Thank you Maggie. I really appreciate the opportunity to share these resources with our patients and their friends and family and coworkers.

Host: And that wraps up this episode of BayCare HealthChat. Head over to our website at baycare.org for more information, and to get connected with one of our providers. Please remember to subscribe, rate and review this podcast and all the other BayCare podcasts. For more health tips and updates, follow us on your social channels. If you found this podcast informative, please share on your social media and be sure to check out all the other interesting podcasts in our library. I'm Maggie McKay. Be well.