Transcription:
Instilling Gratitude in Children

Anne Walters, PhD (Host): Children are not born grateful and that's a fact. Gratitude must be taught. But the question still remains, how and when do kids learn to be truly grateful for what they have? And how do we as parents and caregivers instill gratitude in our children? We're here to learn more with Jamie Turcotte, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in the Safe Quest Program at Bradley Hospital.

This is Mind Cast, Healthy Mind, Healthy Child, a podcast from the mental health experts at Bradley Hospital, leaders in mental health care for children. I'm Dr. Anne Walters, Child and Adolescent Psychologist at Bradley with Dr. Gregory Fritz, Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist at Bradley.

Dr. Gregory Fritz (Host 2): Jamie, thank you for your time.

Jamie Turcotte, LMHC (Guest): Thank you.

Host 2: The topic of gratitude is especially important around the holidays. I mean, we've all been there, right? We've prompted our child to say thank you immediately upon receiving a gift or maybe we've asked them to write a thank you note right away, but is this just a formality? There's a difference between being polite and being truly grateful, which leads me to my first question. What does gratitude in children mean?

Jamie: Well, I mean, I think gratitude is the ability to sort of focus on things that are going well in our lives, things that are with we're thankful for. Appreciating the things we might overlook or take for granted. They could be things as basic as a roof over our heads, food on the table, all of our limbs things like that. So it's more than just, thank you for this gift. It's, these are the things we might overlook every single day.

Host: What do you think the benefits are of instilling gratitude in children?

Jamie: I think there are a lot of benefits. I mean, the first one is it's a positive emotion, so when we're able to focus on the positives in our lives, it kind of just brings on other positive emotions. So, you know, a lot of times, we tend to focus on the negatives, especially teenagers, children, if something bad happens, even adults, that sticks with us. You know, when we kind of get stuck on it, it can ruin our day. But when you have those moments of gratitude and you sort of find the silver lining in things, it leads to more positive feelings, maybe feeling a little bit brighter, maybe you're feeling even a little bit of joy or finding a little happiness in your day, which in turn leads to maybe some more positive behaviors. That whole concept of paying it forward. So, if somebody does you a kindness that morning, they pay for your coffee and you decide, you know what that made me feel really good. I think I'm going to do the same for the next person, you know? So it kind of leads to these moments of let me pass this along, you know? And so it's just kind of sharing that positive feeling. It can also lead to better relationships. If we're grateful for the people in our lives, maybe we reach out to them a little bit more.

Maybe we tell them we're grateful for them. Maybe we become closer because we're in contact more, like, I just want to tell you, I'm so grateful for you and sort of build those relationships. And so then now you have a bigger support network on top of it.

Host: So, you're really talking about parents modeling some of these moments of gratitude over the course of a day, and hoping that the child will pick up on this and this will actually change the way that they're thinking about their life or about aspects of their life.

Jamie: Absolutely. You know, I think parents and even teachers, people in positions of authority, they're the best models for kids. You know, the kids take in everything we say, everything we do. They notice no matter how big or how small, if we have a slip, they're going to catch it.

So, when they see these moments of interacting with the grocery store clerk and saying, oh, thank you, you know, or just doing some kindness for somebody, showing compassion. That's also part of it. We kind of learn to look at others and think of how they might feel, how do we make them feel, did they cause a bright spot in our day?

You know, and do we do that for other people? So, I think, the adults are kind of the best role models.

Host 2: So, I know, thank you isn't a bad word or anything, but how could a child show real appreciation and gratitude themselves? How can they show that to other people?

Jamie: I think, thank you is a great first step. It's polite, you know, starting with, okay a thank you card. Thank you for the lovely gift, but I think there's more, you know, when you can build on that. So, when we start with those basic thank you, it can turned into even a discussion with the child, how did you feel when you received this? Or how did you feel when that happened? What were you thinking of? How can we thank grandma for that lovely gift that she gave you? Maybe we spend a little more time at her house. Maybe we help her pull weeds. Maybe you draw a picture for her or color something in, something that maybe shows it took a little time.

So, we can kind of build on that, cold little well thanks for that. That's great. Which is, you know, there's nothing wrong with that, but sort of building on that and saying like, hey, this made me feel really great. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day. Thank you for taking that moment to think of my favorite color. So there are a of ways you can show it, you know, and none of them are too big, too small.

Host: What I really like about that as this idea that rather than sort of the oh, go ahead and say, thank you. It's more of this collaboration between the parent and the child where they figure out what might really show gratitude for that other person. Like what will make it more personal in a way?

Jamie: Definitely. You know, And there's that personal touch. I mean, I think that's so meaningful for other people. It's great to get a thank you card, but it's even better when maybe there's a sticker on it that they picked out or it was written, they signed it in crayon or, if your teens wrote a little poem to go with it, so it means those personal touches that really kind of hit you.

Host 2: So kids learn from their parents and they do what their parents do. What are some ways that a parent can practice showing gratitude toward their kids?

Jamie: Yeah, I think, you know, having those moments where you say things to your child, like, wow. I was really grateful that you were keeping the dog busy while I was on that meeting. That was really helpful. And thank you so much, when you helped me take out the trash and I'm really grateful that you're here, and sort of showing your gratitude for your child, and doing things for them and with them and sort of explaining like, this is why we do this, or this is why I feel the way about you.

Host 2: Do you think it's important to point it out to the child that you're expressing gratitude? Like I'm cooking this terrific meal for you because you were so, I'm so grateful for how you've been the last afternoon when I was so busy.

Jamie: I do, because I think, we all need rewards in life. So, to be recognized for something that maybe we didn't think much of it, kind of gives us an idea of the level of impact that it has. So we might've thought, that was nothing, but here's somebody cooking this meal that we love. And it's in response to something that we didn't make a big deal about it. But hey, this must've had an impact if they're responding this way, that's sort of the message.

Host 2: Great.

Host: I mean, we all have this sort of belief, right that teens might resist having a directive from a parent around giving someone a thank you. What do you think are some of the challenges when it comes to gratitude during teen years?

Jamie: Teen years can be really challenging. I think everybody is aware of that. A lot of times teens are struggling with stressors at school, within friendships, all kinds of relationships. Maybe self-esteem, maybe they're experiencing depression, anxiety, and it can be really hard to see some of the positives, you know, and when you try to, well, look at the bright side of things, sometimes they feel maybe even invalidated.

So, the challenge is sort of helping them, validating their feelings and saying it's okay to feel all these things that are going on, but at the same time, they're also things that you can still be grateful for, there are still some positives and maybe we can turn something, one of these negatives into a bit of a positive by focusing on what good came out of that.

Host 2: Well, thank you, Jamie. We're all set for the holidays.

Host: Thank you.

Host 2: I think this has been a really meaningful discussion about gratitude. Even as an adult, it's still difficult to always be thankful. It's easy to get caught up in our daily routine and forget to stop for a moment and be grateful for the things we have. So, thank you for reminding us and thank you for your time. And if you found this podcast helpful, please share it on your social channels and check out our entire podcast library at bradleyhospital.org/ podcast for topics that interest you. This is Mind Cast, Healthy Mind. Healthy Child, a podcast from the experts at Bradley Hospital. I'm Dr. Gregory Fritz with Dr. Anne Walters. Thank you for listening.