Everyone can feel lonely from time to time, as it is a normal response to life's challenges. However, if your feelings of loneliness happen often and for weeks at a time, you might want to consider seeking professional support.
At Bryan mental health services in Lincoln, we are dedicated to supporting you every step of the way, offering a wide range of treatments and mental health services ranging from counseling to emergency crisis assistance, outpatient and inpatient hospitalization.
In this segment, Dr. Dave Miers discusses how you can cope with feelings of loneliness and gives some great tips to get you back on the road to a happier life.
Selected Podcast
How to Deal with Feeling Lonely
Featured Speaker:
Dave Miers, PhD, Bryan Mental Health Services
Dr. Dave Miers is the counseling and program development manager for mental health services at Bryan Medical Center. Transcription:
How to Deal with Feeling Lonely
Melanie Cole (Host): What makes us happiest in life? Some people may point to fame and fortune, yet hands down, surveys show that friends and family are the real prizes. Even though our need to connect is innate, some of us go home alone. You could have people around you throughout the day or even be in a lifelong marriage and still experience a deep, pervasive loneliness. Unsurprisingly, isolation can have serious detrimental effects on one’s mental and physical health. My guest today, is Dr. Dave Miers. He’s the Counseling Program Development Manager for Mental Health Services for Bryan Medical Center. Welcome to the show, Dr. Miers. How are loneliness and depression related?
Dr. Dave Miers (Guest): Well, I think it’s important for individuals to understand what depression is. Depression is a mental illness, and the good thing is that mental illness is very treatable. Mental illness is like any other illness a person might have – heart disease, diabetes – where they go and receive treatment. Depression, anxiety, whatever it might be, you would go and get treatment. The good news is that depression is one of the most treatable mental illnesses. That sends the message that there’s definitely hope and help that we can get help.
The symptoms of depression would be a change in your appetite, change in your sleep – either you’re eating more or less than you usually do, or sleeping more or less – losing interest in things, your energy level is down, thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, helplessness. If you are having thoughts of suicide, then it’s important that you definitely call 9-1-1 or get to the nearest Emergency Room.
Isolation can impact friendships and lead to loneliness, but where loneliness comes in there is that -- it’s important to know that depression doesn’t always lead to loneliness, but feeling lonely is often a predictor of depression later on. Loneliness is that interpersonal desire for the connection – to have a connection with others and to build those relationships.
Melanie: Some people really enjoy being by themselves. They like their own company. Is being alone the same as being lonely?
Dr. Miers: They are not the same thing. It’s important to understand the differences where being alone is a state of being – having no one around – and being lonely is a feeling. An example would be, let’s say that we go to a sporting event – to a college football game or a major college baseball game and you’re surrounded by thousands of people. People around you are just having a great time, and yelling, and cheering. You’re not alone in that situation, but you might be feeling lonely.
Melanie: Okay, so is it okay for people to want to be alone?
Dr. Miers: Absolutely, often times you’ll hear people say, “I need to be alone to recharge my batteries to get my energy level back,” or individuals will say, “I work an hour, hour and a half away from – I live an hour, hour and a half away from work,” so that drive time is great, where others are like, “Wow, that would be hard to drive that far to work,” or an individual would just say, “I just need that alone time. I really enjoy that time because it gives me a time to recharge, to think, listen to music, relax,” whatever it might be. So yeah, being alone can be a good thing.
Melanie: So then, let’s talk about loneliness itself. As you said, it can lead to depression. That doesn’t necessarily go the other way, but it can. How does that happen? And give us some tips, Dr. Miers, and some strategies that individuals can use to overcome that feeling of loneliness.
Dr. Miers: Absolutely. Individuals, when they’re lonely, as I mentioned earlier, they desire relationships. However, when not having those desired relationships, individuals do struggle. They doubt themselves. They might start isolating themselves. As we were talking, isolation can lead to depression. You start not enjoying the things that you normally like to do, and you stop doing them. Acute loneliness is something that occurs such as if we lose somebody to death, we move out of state or we move to a new location.
It’s important that you take action and you develop a plan of action. Make a list of interests, hobbies, explore what might be going on in the area that you can volunteer at. That opens up opportunities to meet others who like to do those same things. If you volunteer at a sporting event, you meet other people who like sports and who are volunteering. Do something where you go out for ice cream and just find somebody who’s in line at the ice cream parlor and just start up a conversation.
Another idea would be pets. Pets can be very, very helpful with the feelings of loneliness. If you like pets, you can volunteer at a pet shelter if you don’t have your own pet. And then doing things in person. In today’s society, we rely so much on social media that we don’t have that personal connection. There’s a lot of research out there that says the more connected we are to our family, our friends, school, work, community, church, those are things that can impact society. Being connected to social media is different than that personal connectedness. It’s important that we focus on getting out and doing things and doing the things that we enjoy.
Melanie: That’s certainly true with the way that people can just get to each other through social media, and you don’t have to meet face-to-face. What about some strategies, Dr. Miers, like taking yourself out to dinner? Does that increase loneliness? You see some people out to a movie or dinner by themselves, and I am not that confident of a person that I don’t think I could do that as well. Does that increase that feeling of isolation or loneliness, or does it help?
Dr. Miers: It could go both ways. Really, it does help. It’s important that when you are feeling isolated, that you do challenge yourself to do something different and to get out and be active. If you’re out at dinner and you see others around you, that might remind you of – say for instance, if you lost somebody or your relationship changed – but at the same time, that gives you that opportunity to create new relationships. That’s where you take the next step, and you try to talk to somebody, introduce yourself to somebody. Try something new that you haven’t done before when you go out. Order something new. Trying something new and doing different things that you haven’t done before oftentimes is that extra boost that really starts helping you gain that confidence back to build relationships.
Melanie: And what about things like volunteering, you mentioned a little bit before, and even exercise because you can join groups, you can join a club, you can join a running club. Or, you can volunteer, and by helping other people, that gratitude that you show helps you to feel like there are other people more in need than yourself.
Dr. Miers: Absolutely. Exercise is very, very important. When we think about just the basic needs that we have, it’s important that we get good sleep, have a good sleep pattern, look at our appetite and our nutrition, that we’re eating meals because when you’re isolated and you don’t have a lot of energy. You tend to not want to – you maybe just skip a meal. You just don’t have the energy to make anything. It’s important that you avoid doing that to make sure you have your meals.
Then the third piece of that is exercising. Even if you feel like, “Gosh, I just don’t want to go to a gym.” Well, get outside and maybe walk around the block. You have to start somewhere, so start small and build up from there. When you go to the gym, that’s another great opportunity to where you’re going to be meeting people. If you go at the same time every day, pretty soon you’re going to be recognizing people that also go at the same time every day. That’s a lot of times how relationships start.
Melanie: And what about some of the clubs that encourage you to get out and meet people, whether they’re dating apps or meetup clubs? What about joining some of those things if somebody’s a little trepidatious about it?
Dr. Miers: Well, I think it’s important to explore those things in knowing which apps and different things have good recommendations from others. There might be other people who you have heard have tried certain things and then have good things to say about them. There are a lot of different things out there that you can try, the thing is finding the connections with people who have similar interests that you have to get things started because then you connect and start doing things together and start meeting new people. Oftentimes, those programs can sometimes help connect people with similar interests.
Melanie: When do you know that it’s time to seek the help of a professional if you are feeling this pervasive loneliness and that nobody loves you and it’s really turning into clinical depression?
Dr. Miers: Typically, when those symptoms that we talked about – the appetite, the loss of appetite, the eating too much, sleeping too much, too little, those types of things, isolating yourself – when that’s impacting your daily routine whether at home or at work and it goes on for a period of two weeks or more, then it’s important that you seek the help of a professional to make a determination. Are the symptoms I have, is it truly depression?
If people are not quite sure is it time for me to go see a professional? They could go to the BryanHealth.org website. We do have online screenings there that are free, confidential – we have no way of knowing who is taking those screenings – you go on, answer some questions. You can pick your screening. Gosh, are my symptoms related to anxiety? Is it depression? You take several screenings if you want to, and it tells you whether or not the symptoms that you’re having correlate with a possible mental illness. Then it gives you direction on services that we have available at Bryan Medical Center that can assist and can help.
Melanie: Just wrap it up for us, Dr. Miers, with loneliness and the difference between loneliness and depression and just your best advice on ways to take yourself out of that feeling lonely. Everybody feels lonely from time-to-time. We’ve got life’s challenges, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to feel that way.
Dr. Miers: Absolutely, I think the key message is that there is hope. When you think about some of the symptoms of depression, hopelessness is a symptom, and when you’re feeling alone and isolated, you don’t feel like there is hope. You have to remind yourself and know that there is hope, there is help, and things can get better, and they will get better. With depression being one of the most treatable of the mental illnesses, there are a lot of different approaches and different alternatives in ways that individuals get treated for depression. It’s on an individualized basis. Knowing that if you reach out to resources, they are going to work with you as an individual. You don’t have to be alone. It’s okay to be alone. But if you’re feeling lonely, and you want to get and develop relationships, use some of the tools and ideas that we talked about today. If you feel like it’s starting to lean towards depression and you’re concerned about the symptoms, go online, take an online screening, but don’t hesitate to seek out the help of a professional to help you. Sometimes reaching out to a therapist and seeing a therapist they can help you with some of those strategies, help you with those symptoms, and help you navigate some of those steps that we talked about.
Melanie: Thank you so much, Dr. Miers, that’s great information. For more information about mental health services at Bryan, you can go to bryanhealth.org, that’s bryanhealth.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks, so much, for listening.
How to Deal with Feeling Lonely
Melanie Cole (Host): What makes us happiest in life? Some people may point to fame and fortune, yet hands down, surveys show that friends and family are the real prizes. Even though our need to connect is innate, some of us go home alone. You could have people around you throughout the day or even be in a lifelong marriage and still experience a deep, pervasive loneliness. Unsurprisingly, isolation can have serious detrimental effects on one’s mental and physical health. My guest today, is Dr. Dave Miers. He’s the Counseling Program Development Manager for Mental Health Services for Bryan Medical Center. Welcome to the show, Dr. Miers. How are loneliness and depression related?
Dr. Dave Miers (Guest): Well, I think it’s important for individuals to understand what depression is. Depression is a mental illness, and the good thing is that mental illness is very treatable. Mental illness is like any other illness a person might have – heart disease, diabetes – where they go and receive treatment. Depression, anxiety, whatever it might be, you would go and get treatment. The good news is that depression is one of the most treatable mental illnesses. That sends the message that there’s definitely hope and help that we can get help.
The symptoms of depression would be a change in your appetite, change in your sleep – either you’re eating more or less than you usually do, or sleeping more or less – losing interest in things, your energy level is down, thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, helplessness. If you are having thoughts of suicide, then it’s important that you definitely call 9-1-1 or get to the nearest Emergency Room.
Isolation can impact friendships and lead to loneliness, but where loneliness comes in there is that -- it’s important to know that depression doesn’t always lead to loneliness, but feeling lonely is often a predictor of depression later on. Loneliness is that interpersonal desire for the connection – to have a connection with others and to build those relationships.
Melanie: Some people really enjoy being by themselves. They like their own company. Is being alone the same as being lonely?
Dr. Miers: They are not the same thing. It’s important to understand the differences where being alone is a state of being – having no one around – and being lonely is a feeling. An example would be, let’s say that we go to a sporting event – to a college football game or a major college baseball game and you’re surrounded by thousands of people. People around you are just having a great time, and yelling, and cheering. You’re not alone in that situation, but you might be feeling lonely.
Melanie: Okay, so is it okay for people to want to be alone?
Dr. Miers: Absolutely, often times you’ll hear people say, “I need to be alone to recharge my batteries to get my energy level back,” or individuals will say, “I work an hour, hour and a half away from – I live an hour, hour and a half away from work,” so that drive time is great, where others are like, “Wow, that would be hard to drive that far to work,” or an individual would just say, “I just need that alone time. I really enjoy that time because it gives me a time to recharge, to think, listen to music, relax,” whatever it might be. So yeah, being alone can be a good thing.
Melanie: So then, let’s talk about loneliness itself. As you said, it can lead to depression. That doesn’t necessarily go the other way, but it can. How does that happen? And give us some tips, Dr. Miers, and some strategies that individuals can use to overcome that feeling of loneliness.
Dr. Miers: Absolutely. Individuals, when they’re lonely, as I mentioned earlier, they desire relationships. However, when not having those desired relationships, individuals do struggle. They doubt themselves. They might start isolating themselves. As we were talking, isolation can lead to depression. You start not enjoying the things that you normally like to do, and you stop doing them. Acute loneliness is something that occurs such as if we lose somebody to death, we move out of state or we move to a new location.
It’s important that you take action and you develop a plan of action. Make a list of interests, hobbies, explore what might be going on in the area that you can volunteer at. That opens up opportunities to meet others who like to do those same things. If you volunteer at a sporting event, you meet other people who like sports and who are volunteering. Do something where you go out for ice cream and just find somebody who’s in line at the ice cream parlor and just start up a conversation.
Another idea would be pets. Pets can be very, very helpful with the feelings of loneliness. If you like pets, you can volunteer at a pet shelter if you don’t have your own pet. And then doing things in person. In today’s society, we rely so much on social media that we don’t have that personal connection. There’s a lot of research out there that says the more connected we are to our family, our friends, school, work, community, church, those are things that can impact society. Being connected to social media is different than that personal connectedness. It’s important that we focus on getting out and doing things and doing the things that we enjoy.
Melanie: That’s certainly true with the way that people can just get to each other through social media, and you don’t have to meet face-to-face. What about some strategies, Dr. Miers, like taking yourself out to dinner? Does that increase loneliness? You see some people out to a movie or dinner by themselves, and I am not that confident of a person that I don’t think I could do that as well. Does that increase that feeling of isolation or loneliness, or does it help?
Dr. Miers: It could go both ways. Really, it does help. It’s important that when you are feeling isolated, that you do challenge yourself to do something different and to get out and be active. If you’re out at dinner and you see others around you, that might remind you of – say for instance, if you lost somebody or your relationship changed – but at the same time, that gives you that opportunity to create new relationships. That’s where you take the next step, and you try to talk to somebody, introduce yourself to somebody. Try something new that you haven’t done before when you go out. Order something new. Trying something new and doing different things that you haven’t done before oftentimes is that extra boost that really starts helping you gain that confidence back to build relationships.
Melanie: And what about things like volunteering, you mentioned a little bit before, and even exercise because you can join groups, you can join a club, you can join a running club. Or, you can volunteer, and by helping other people, that gratitude that you show helps you to feel like there are other people more in need than yourself.
Dr. Miers: Absolutely. Exercise is very, very important. When we think about just the basic needs that we have, it’s important that we get good sleep, have a good sleep pattern, look at our appetite and our nutrition, that we’re eating meals because when you’re isolated and you don’t have a lot of energy. You tend to not want to – you maybe just skip a meal. You just don’t have the energy to make anything. It’s important that you avoid doing that to make sure you have your meals.
Then the third piece of that is exercising. Even if you feel like, “Gosh, I just don’t want to go to a gym.” Well, get outside and maybe walk around the block. You have to start somewhere, so start small and build up from there. When you go to the gym, that’s another great opportunity to where you’re going to be meeting people. If you go at the same time every day, pretty soon you’re going to be recognizing people that also go at the same time every day. That’s a lot of times how relationships start.
Melanie: And what about some of the clubs that encourage you to get out and meet people, whether they’re dating apps or meetup clubs? What about joining some of those things if somebody’s a little trepidatious about it?
Dr. Miers: Well, I think it’s important to explore those things in knowing which apps and different things have good recommendations from others. There might be other people who you have heard have tried certain things and then have good things to say about them. There are a lot of different things out there that you can try, the thing is finding the connections with people who have similar interests that you have to get things started because then you connect and start doing things together and start meeting new people. Oftentimes, those programs can sometimes help connect people with similar interests.
Melanie: When do you know that it’s time to seek the help of a professional if you are feeling this pervasive loneliness and that nobody loves you and it’s really turning into clinical depression?
Dr. Miers: Typically, when those symptoms that we talked about – the appetite, the loss of appetite, the eating too much, sleeping too much, too little, those types of things, isolating yourself – when that’s impacting your daily routine whether at home or at work and it goes on for a period of two weeks or more, then it’s important that you seek the help of a professional to make a determination. Are the symptoms I have, is it truly depression?
If people are not quite sure is it time for me to go see a professional? They could go to the BryanHealth.org website. We do have online screenings there that are free, confidential – we have no way of knowing who is taking those screenings – you go on, answer some questions. You can pick your screening. Gosh, are my symptoms related to anxiety? Is it depression? You take several screenings if you want to, and it tells you whether or not the symptoms that you’re having correlate with a possible mental illness. Then it gives you direction on services that we have available at Bryan Medical Center that can assist and can help.
Melanie: Just wrap it up for us, Dr. Miers, with loneliness and the difference between loneliness and depression and just your best advice on ways to take yourself out of that feeling lonely. Everybody feels lonely from time-to-time. We’ve got life’s challenges, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to feel that way.
Dr. Miers: Absolutely, I think the key message is that there is hope. When you think about some of the symptoms of depression, hopelessness is a symptom, and when you’re feeling alone and isolated, you don’t feel like there is hope. You have to remind yourself and know that there is hope, there is help, and things can get better, and they will get better. With depression being one of the most treatable of the mental illnesses, there are a lot of different approaches and different alternatives in ways that individuals get treated for depression. It’s on an individualized basis. Knowing that if you reach out to resources, they are going to work with you as an individual. You don’t have to be alone. It’s okay to be alone. But if you’re feeling lonely, and you want to get and develop relationships, use some of the tools and ideas that we talked about today. If you feel like it’s starting to lean towards depression and you’re concerned about the symptoms, go online, take an online screening, but don’t hesitate to seek out the help of a professional to help you. Sometimes reaching out to a therapist and seeing a therapist they can help you with some of those strategies, help you with those symptoms, and help you navigate some of those steps that we talked about.
Melanie: Thank you so much, Dr. Miers, that’s great information. For more information about mental health services at Bryan, you can go to bryanhealth.org, that’s bryanhealth.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks, so much, for listening.