Transcription:
Supporting Kids with Back-to-School Anxiety

Cheryl Martin (Host): This is Children's Health Checkup, where we answer parents' most common questions about raising healthy and happy kids. I'm Cheryl Martin. On this episode, our topic is easing back to school anxiety, our experts are Dr. Jamie Becker, pediatric psychologists at Children's Health and associate professor at UT Southwestern and Kelsey Rogers, a clinical therapist at Children's Health.

A new school year can be exciting for children, but can also cause anxiety. While a little nervousness is to be expected, when is it more serious and how can parents best support their child? Well, I'm delighted that Dr. Becker and Kelsey are here to share how parents can help ease the anxiety their child may have. And set them up for a healthy and successful year. Dr. Becker, let me begin with you. How common is back to school anxiety?

Dr. Jamie Becker: That's a really great question, Cheryl, the answer is that it's pretty common, especially now with COVID rates on the rise and different expectations around safety at school. Kids just don't know what to expect. And the place that has previously been their safe space, which is typically school now seems a little bit uncertain.

So they really don't know what and where they should be looking to understand that environment. So we're seeing rates as high as 40 to 50. Higher than what we've seen even two or three years ago before the start of the school year. So kids have always been nervous about going back to school, but this year in particular, it's a little bit higher than what we've seen in the past.

Cheryl Martin (Host): Well, so what's the answer to that level of nervousness?

Kelsey Rogers: Absolutely. So I believe there's an element of social anxiety when anyone starts a new school year. So I think that's a big part of it, but then you throw in COVID and then some of the recent safety concerns at schools including some of the school shootings, I think that's just created an overall increase in anxiety.

I read an article that 66% of children are feeling nervous about returning to school this year. And I would even argue that, that number's probably even.

Cheryl Martin (Host): So how do you know when it's just a little and it's not serious anxiety?

Dr. Jamie Becker: Well, I mean, that depends on kids generally, but the truth is that most parents know their kids pretty well. And when you see your kid what their worry looks like. And the difference between mommy, I have a tummy ache because I'm worried about going and doing that thing that I really don't wanna do versus my kid looks different, sounds different, feels different. Their personality is changing a little bit.

They're doing things they hadn't done before. Maybe their isolating. And they're suddenly up in their room all the time. They're not talking to you. Like they used to. When you see a rapid or significant change in your child's behavior and your child just doesn't look like, feel like, sound like the kid that you used to know.

That's when you probably need to ask yourself, does my kid need more help? I think the other key on school and anxiety with that is we see a lot of bullying. And we see a lot of kids that start worrying about school because they've been bullied.

And that hasn't been addressed and going back to school means going back to that cycle of abuse and ridicule. And so for our kids, that have things that pull them out of that safety space of school being a place where I'm around my friends and things that are good happen to me there, we start to worry about that too. Kind of that worry about that anxiety.

And when do you worry about it? It's when it doesn't look like it normally does for you and most parents know their kids pretty darn well. So it's when it gets out of the ordinary.

Cheryl Martin (Host): The anxieties that you're talking about, do they differ by age?

Dr. Jamie Becker: They do, they can I think that developmentally younger kids have different values. So our younger kids are more concerned about pleasing others and making things okay for teachers. And they wanna be liked by their teachers whereas kids get developmentally older, fitting in with friends becomes more and more important.

There are certain themes though, that are universal, like angst about classes and doing well and making sure that I perform well or tests. Pressure to fit in and get along and be accepted. All of that stuff is normal. But what kids worry about the most tends to be focused on the thing that is most important to them at that point in time.

And that can change developmentally, but there are certain things that are pretty rhythmically the same for kids, classes, friends, test teachers, and just the pressure all around of being successful. Sometimes that's in school, sometimes that's out of school, but most important to me.

Cheryl Martin (Host): I would think that also one issue would be, especially if let's say if a child is moving from elementary school to middle school or middle school to high school, am I going to be liked? Am I going to be popular? How often do you see this as an issue? Will I find a group that I fit in?

Kelsey Rogers: I think that's very common. I think there's a lot of kids who might perceive themselves as other for any reason, which could be race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, and like you said, popularity. And so I think that plays a huge factor in each developmental stage, but particularly that middle school and high school developmental range. So I think that does play a large factor in that social piece.

Cheryl Martin (Host): Well, I'm glad that you've mentioned COVID safety being liked bullying. So the big question is how can parents help manage their child's worries and set them up for a successful school year?

Dr. Jamie Becker: I'm glad you asked that question. I think there are very simple and easy things that we can do. But also. Some more concrete things as well. I think the biggest thing is making a routine and sticking to it. The biggest things for anxious kids is that they like expectations. They like knowing what's coming next and when they can find patterns and know who to count on and what's going to happen, it helps them sort of control things in their heads.

And so if you have a routine getting up, eating breakfast, knowing what your morning looks like, knowing what your afternoon looks like. Knowing when I do homework that's really helpful to kids, even around their sports schedules, setting up a calendar so that everybody knows where they're going. Who's picking them up. Who's dropping them off.

Even things as simple and concrete as knowing where I'm going, who's going to be, there can be really helpful in helping kids get their worries under control. For younger kids, even that one on one time and giving them space. And sometimes that space is about voicing their concerns and letting them tell you what they're worried about.

Not because you need to fix it for them, but just because they wanna talk about it all out loud. If they share things with you guys and share things with their parents, encourage them to keep coming back to you with those ideas. Sometimes they want you to problem solve with them, but sometimes they just want you to listen. And that is a big developmental difference.

Because You asked about that earlier. Younger kids may want you to problem solve, older kids really just wanna talk. They don't want people to problem solve for them. They often wanna figure it out for themselves or they might wanna problem solve with their. But they want you to listen and they can kind of set you up for failure on that.

The homework piece, particularly for kids that have trouble in school, homework can become a big power struggle. So finding ways to build in breaks or engage around the process, sometimes it can be really simple if you're a working parent to sit down with your kid and say, I'll work if you work. Let's do this together. We'll sit down for 15 or 20 minutes.

We're gonna buckle down and we're gonna take a break together for five minutes if we buckle down and we both work for 20. So there are certain things that we can really do to engage our kids around the things that they worry about. So it depends what they're worrying about and how they're worrying, and what they share with you.

Cheryl Martin (Host): Speaking of sharing. What if a child admits to a parent, they are concerned about being bullied. How should the parent handle that? Kelsey, any thoughts on that?

Kelsey Rogers: Sure. I think, every parent, that's probably their worst nightmares to hear that their child's being picked on at school. But the good news is that there are supports in place at school to help with that. And so reaching out to the school counselor or nurse to make sure that they're aware of these concerns helping the child feel empowered to talk about those concerns with authority figures at school.

And then coming up with a plan to help make sure that that doesn't happen again that will help ease their anxiety quite a bit. There's a lot of support that can be provided by the teachers and school counselors who see that all the time.

Cheryl Martin (Host): So, do you even recommend parents saying that to the child? Whether or not the child mentions bullying? Because I think some kids are bullied, but they don't necessarily run home and tell their parents.

Kelsey Rogers: Correct. I would agree with that. I think a lot of kids are afraid that they're gonna get in trouble or that they're gonna get more bullied if they admit to something happening at school. And. Depending on the severity. I always encourage parents to talk to the school and have an opportunity for the two kids to sit down if possible. But also teaching the kids some coping skills in other ways to help. If we feel like the school's not being proactive.

Dr. Jamie Becker: I was just gonna add one quick thing to that bullying question, which is, I think that there is also a lot of work that is being done in the school space. And I'm certainly not an expert on this. With bullying to speak up when you see it in others. So sometimes it can be a very simple task to say, as a parent to your child if you saw your best friend and this was your best friend that it was happening to, what would you do?

Because it's easier for kids to speak up when they see something happen to their friends than it is for them to speak up for themselves. So sometimes that just simple strategy of asking them to problem solve out loud, how they would help someone else, helps them give voice to their concern and what they're worried about. And if they can't do it, that's okay.

But it is one way to help to get kids, to talk about these things and how to speak up for each other. And it's a really great reminder going into the school year to help your kid be a good ambassador for other kids, that if they see something, to speak up, if they don't think that it's. Because the thing that bullying lives on is this idea of fear and isolation.

So if more kids speak up, when they see bullying happen and they create a culture where bullying can't be engendered and can't be kept up, it helps create safer spaces in school. And I think. more the culture that we are trying to create in schools, but it's gonna take a lot of work and it's gonna take a lot of parents asking a lot of kids to speak up more for others.

Cheryl Martin (Host): That's great. Now, what are some signs that children may need to see a doctor for their anxiety or a therapist, I should say Kelsey?

Kelsey Rogers: Great question. I would say that if you notice an abrupt change in your child's behavior, like we talked about at the beginning of the podcast or any personality changes that. Really impact their ability to function in their day to day life. I would encourage you to take your child either to the PCP, your pediatrician, just to have an evaluation done, or reach out to the school counselor and get their thoughts as well.

Or if your child is stuck on a super specific idea over and over again, and it seems very disruptive. Those would be, areas that I would more concern. And especially if they're making statements about wanting to hurt themselves or others, or they're starting to engage in any self-harming behaviors. Absolutely take them either to the nearest emergency room to be evaluated or reach out to the school counselor to get some resources.

Cheryl Martin (Host): Dr. Becker, any Additional thoughts on that one?

Dr. Jamie Becker: I think Kelsey got pretty much what we're looking for, which is that significant change in behavior. And that escalation in behavior to the point where your kid just doesn't seem like a kid and their day to day life is disrupted. That's really the litmus for seeking more help.

Cheryl Martin (Host): And that really means for parents to do a lot of observation of their children and their patterns and whether or not they have changed. Any other advice you'd like to share, or just final thoughts on again, what parents can do to help ease back to school anxiety, something that we did not cover? And I'll go to both of you beginning first with Kelsey and then have Dr. Becker close us out.

Kelsey Rogers: Yes. There's actually something that I wanted to mention earlier when we were talking more about COVID, I think encouraging social opportunities as they become available, kids have become very isolated since COVID and it's really seen in their mental health now. So I think balance is everything.

And I think really reminding them of their coping skills and what they do well is a huge part of development and just teaching them resilience. Teaching them ways to blow off steam when something isn't going their way, that the stress tolerance is a piece that I think we're really missing these days.

Cheryl Martin (Host): Dr. Becker.

Dr. Jamie Becker: I think one of the things that we that we didn't end up talking about was what anxiety can look like for parents. And that lots of kids will tell you when they're worried about things. But the other thing to keep in mind is that a lot of times kids will show you that they're worried without telling you that that's what it is.

And sometimes that looks like physical symptoms like headaches, tummy, aches, they might get achy and complainy. Monday mornings might be like the worst day of the week, where your kid is always sick. And then we have some kids either act out or what we say they act in. So they shut down or they just become a behavioral nightmare, either always at school or always at home.

And that can be a sign that something just doesn't feel right with your kid. And that might be a time and a place when I might want to follow up and say, what's going on here? This doesn't feel like you. And so I think it's all about calling attention to kids worry and that's normal and that's okay.

And letting them know the world's changing a lot right now and we don't have all the answers but when kids worry, we wanna make sure that we're giving time space and attention to that worry.

Cheryl Martin (Host): Very great advice. Dr. Jamie Becker and Kelsey Rogers. Thanks so much to both of you for giving parents great tips for easing their child's anxiety about starting a new school year.

We have additional resources when you visit children's.com/backtoschool. Five back to school tips from a psychologist and ways to help your child cope. Again, that's children's.com/Backtoschool. Thank you for listening to Children's Health Checkup. If you found this podcast helpful, please rate and review or share the episode. And please follow Children's Health on your social channels.