Joey Wahler (Host): This is Children's Health Checkup, where we answer parents' most common questions about raising healthy and happy kids. Thanks for joining us. I'm Joey Wahler. A study by the American Academy of Pediatrics shows that overcontrolling or intrusive parenting behaviors can prevent children from developing behavioral and emotional self-regulatory skills. So, we're discussing helicopter parenting. Our guest, Dr. Adrienne Anderson. She's a pediatric psychologist at Children's Health and Assistant Professor at UT Southwestern. She'll explain what helicopter parenting is and share some advice on how to best support children's growth. Hi there, Dr. Anderson. Thanks for being with us.

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Hi. How are you?

Host: I'm great. Yourself?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: I'm well. Thank you.

Host: Excellent. Appreciate the time. So first, simply put, for those that don't know, what exactly is helicopter parenting in the first place?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Sure. So, helicopter parenting is a parenting style in which the parent is expressing a lot of overprotectiveness, overinvolvement, and overcontrol of their child and how the child accesses the world.

Host: And it's called helicopter parenting because, in essence, the parent is hovering much like a helicopter would, right?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Yes, that's correct.

Host: So, what are some common examples of a parent being overbearing?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: So, common examples of that may be overinvolvement with them in sports, at school, intervening when the child is making a mistake and not allowing for them to learn from their mistakes, being overly invasive, kind of having all control over friendships, education, not allowing for disappointments or failures to happen.

Host: Gotcha. And so, what are typically the causes of this kind of behavior on the part of a parent?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: There can be a lot of different causes. And one thing to note is that a lot of times, when parents are overprotective or are "a helicopter parent", they actually think that they're doing a lot of positive things, shielding their child from some of the negative things that they may have experienced themselves, or for other reasons. For example, I work with medically complex children that they want to shield their child and make sure that they're safe. So, sometimes, it can just be the parent's own fear and anxiety. And sometimes it's a wish for them to want to protect their child from bad things, as well.

Host: Doctor, how much impact does how someone was raised themselves have on their own parenting approach?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Sure. I think that there is quite a bit of influence when we think about how the parent was previously raised as a child. Some of which could be, "Hey, I want to do something that was completely opposite of the parenting that I had," or "I need to now shield myself because the world is much more scarier than when I was growing up" too as well, or "I want to do all the things that my parents did and even more," which could potentially lead to helicopter parenting or overprotection, overinvolvement.

Host: So, all that being said, what are some of the mental long-term effects of this helicopter parenting on kids?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Some of the potentially detrimental effects is that we're not teaching our children to problem-solve. They're unable to make mistakes, learn from them, and that in turn could result in increased anxiety, potentially feeling like they don't have a sense of their own self-efficacy that they can have a certain result, which could lead to potentially depression, or decreased well-being, decreased self-worth.

Host: And so, in contrast, what are healthier parenting styles that can support a child's growth and mental health the right way?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Authoritative parenting is what we would call "the gold standard" of parenting. This parenting style is consistent. They allow for boundaries and guidelines, but they also provide warmth to the child. And they create this emotional connection that allows for continued romantic and friendship relationships to be broadened. But they also provide that developmental approach to making mistakes, learning things, providing them with autonomy as they grow and develop.

Host: So, it sounds like part of what you're saying here is that you want to let your child know that you're there for them, you support them, you're here to help, offer advice, what have you. But on the other hand, you don't want to overstep. You don't want to do things for them. You don't want to protect them from every mistake because at the end of the day, that's impossible, right?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Correct, yes. That's a good summary of how that authoritative parenting works and the best approach to parenting and developing positive, healthy, human adults.

Host: Do you have any tips for parents on how to avoid helicopter parenting or overprotective behaviors?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: One thing is to have the parent check in with themselves, or listen to others that are around them. Our teachers, grandparents, noticing what other parents of your child's friends, what are they doing? Are they allowing for their child to fall without kind of swooping in before them? Teaching your child coping strategies, how to manage anger, how to manage sadness, how to think independently, helping them grow their identities. So, we want to create a space where we're using others as models for that parent, but then also checking our own. Is this my anxiety or is this my child's anxiety?

Host: So, part of what you're saying, it seems, is that as a parent, I would imagine, especially as a first-time parent, if it's your first kid, you should be open to taking advice or observing what others are doing and open to the fact that your way might not be the best way, right?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Yes, I agree.

Host: Speaking of first time parents, especially for them, is some of this that we're talking about just trial and error and learning what works best as you go?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Yes. I think parenting in general, we have some guidelines, right? We know what is effective in general about parenting, but each child is going to need more or less parenting or more or less warmth, more or less checking in, those types of things. So, each child has different needs. And so, as a first time parent, a little bit of that is trial and error. And even at your second child and third child, you'll still be figuring out what works best for this child. How do I need to support this child best?

Host: That's a great point. The fact that not every child obviously is the same and so you need to be open to what they need, but I guess not give them too much of it, right?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Yes, absolutely. So, that developmental approach, what is developmentally appropriate for this age. At infancy, they need all of the hand holding, right? We probably wouldn't call it too much of helicopter parenting, because they need all those things. But at two, if we're still doing the same things that we did when the child was an infant, then that wouldn't be developmentally appropriate. The child should be growing and learning and we should start seeing some of their personality and their thoughts coming out.

Host: And you led me beautifully into my next question there, because my wife and myself have a daughter. She's between a year and a half and two years old right now. And so, we're starting to see that personality come to the fore. And one thing that i'm trying not to do as much of is holding her hand when it comes to figuring things out in the playpen, whether it's a toy or whether it's an educational thing. Instead of being too assertive about showing her how it's done over and over again, I'll show her. And then, I kind of kick back and just give it a week or so and just watch her from afar, because usually she'll figure it out on her own better. It's just that she needs a little time.

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Yes. And that's what we call scaffolding. So, that's actually perfect. Anytime you're teaching a skill, whether it's in the classroom, or whether it's at home, in that parenting environment, teaching them the first time, right? Because they don't know what they don't know, providing them that safe, positive space to help them figure it out, whether it's the same way you did it or a little different, but encouraging that too, like, "You can do it. I've seen you do it before. You're doing a great job with opening that up. I see that you are trying to use the key in order to open that up. I wonder if that's going to work." So, giving them that positive reinforcement, that positive language and encouraging their learning and growing.

Host: Yeah. Because I think one thing that we discovered early on is that some of the things she's learned, she really has literally learned on her own and did so better than by us showing her. And I think a lot of that is just because, by letting her figure it out on herself, it affords her more time to do so. You can only sit there with a kid for so long showing them any given task, right? But if you leave them alone to do it on their own, if they're on their own for hours a day, I don't mean like literally alone, but I mean, not being interacted with every single moment of the day, what you think maybe at first is idle time where they're just kind of standing around and playing or not doing anything significant, they're teaching themselves to do things, even if you may not necessarily pick up on that right away, yes?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Yes, absolutely. I would agree with that.

Host: So, in summary here, it's really a fine line. It seems that we're talking about you want to support your child, but you don't want to overdo it. So, it's like walking a tightrope. And I would imagine that the bottom line is a lot of it just comes down to good common sense, right?

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Yeah. Having that support, having that warmth, encouraging your child, and it is a fine line, right? And there may be child factors that impact how wide or narrow that fine line is too as well.

Host: Well, thank you so much, Dr. Anderson, for sharing your expertise and providing such valuable insights

Dr Adrienne Anderson: Thank you.

Host: And for more information on how to support your child and their mental health, visit childrens.com/mentalhealth. Remember, parenting is a journey and finding the right balance between involvement and independence is key to fostering healthy development for our children. Now, if you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, leave a review and share it with other parents who might benefit from this discussion. And thank you for tuning in to the Children's Health Checkup Podcast.