Maggie McKay (Host): This is Children's Health Checkup, where we answer parents most common questions about raising healthy and happy kids. Today, we'll discuss how to teach your child about healthy relationships, why it's important, and how to have age appropriate conversations with them about relationships, whether in friendship, family, or dating. I'm your host, Maggie McKay.

Host: And

Maggie McKay (Host): here to answer our questions on this topic, is Dr. Jasmine Ghannadpour, Board Certified Clinical Child Psychologist at Children's Health and Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at UT Southwestern.

 Thank you for being with us today

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: Thank you for having me.

Host: So why is it important to teach kids about healthy relationships from a young age and as they grow?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: Kids who learn about healthy relationships become adults with healthy relationships. For kids, they're still forming their identities, so who they surround themselves with really matters to who they are and how they perceive themselves. Relationships teach us social and emotional skills. They help us build confidence and can really impact our self esteem.

If we can help kids identify red flags or concerns in relationships and components of a healthy relationship, then they can prevent potential issues in the future; like being abused or taken advantage of. In psychology, we know positive social connections are essential and really protective to overall health and wellbeing at all ages.

Host: Isn't that so true about how we have to start off young because they're vulnerable and that kind of sets the tone for maybe the friends they're going to make through their lives. I was just talking about that with a friend and we said, we're just so grateful our kids have good, solid friends who are, you know, all nice kids.

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: Yes, yeah, it's really important.

Host: Can you define the foundations of a healthy relationship that are relevant to a kid at any age?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: Yes, I'd say it's the same ones we would want as adults. So, and a lot of these factors are sort of connected. I'm thinking about things like respect. Someone who not only recognizes, but also values what you have to say and how you feel. Do they accept the boundaries you set? Like, if you say, I don't want to talk about something, do they respect that; or are they pushing for you to talk about something you're uncomfortable discussing?

So respect is really important. Trust is really important. Can you rely on this person? Can you go to them when you need something; whether you need help with something or just someone to listen. So when I think about trust, I also think about honesty, which I think is important in healthy relationships.

Can you trust or feel comfortable and safe being open and honest with this person or do you hold back because you're worried about what the response might be? Other important factors I think about are good communication. Are you able to be assertive without being passive or aggressive in your communication?

Both ways, right? So good communication means you're able to speak your mind and what is important for you, but also that you're listening to the other person as well. So having that active listening, focused attention and communication. And then things like empathy, trying to understand why someone might feel the way they do.

Or is this person someone who understands how you feel? Or do they dismiss it or minimize it? Because that's not helpful. And then something really simple, kind of rudimentary, but kindness. Is this person a who's kind? Is, are they considerate? Do they treat you with care? Those are some really important factors in healthy relationships.

The

Host: That's so true. What a good list just to remember, you know. What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship; whether it's friendship, family, dating relationship, what are the risks associated with unhealthy relationships?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: The things that come to mind for me are things like jealousy. Are they happy for you when something goes well, or do they seem unhappy? Are they bitter or resentful because they're feeling jealous? That's not healthy in a relationship. Is it somebody who's very critical? So are they frequently pointing out what you're doing wrong, or what you should be doing differently, rather than acknowledging the things that you're doing well?

Is it someone who's controlling? Are they saying who you can and cannot hang out with; or even isolating you from friends and family, telling you what you can and can't do? That's definitely a red flag in a relationship. Are they disrespectful? Do they communicate in a way that's not kind? Like I was talking about before. Or do they talk in a way that's not considerate of your feelings? That would be somebody who's disrespectful and nor healthy in a relationship. And then of course, there's more obvious things like any sort of abuse, whether it's emotional or physical abuse is very concerning.

And then the risks of having these things in a relationship, as I mentioned before, could be, you could be taken advantage of. You could experience a lot of pain and suffering from the negative interactions that you're having. It can impact your self esteem. It can make you feel hopeless, and lonely or isolated.

Host: What are some specific age appropriate strategies for teaching different age groups about healthy relationships?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: So this starts really early. I have a two-year-old and I can tell you, I've already already been teaching my two year old how to set boundaries with his four-year-old brother. So, if he wants a toy or if he doesn't want to share the toy he's playing with, or if his brother hits him or touches him in a way that he doesn't like, I want him to communicate that.

So I'm already modeling to him how to communicate those things. So in early childhood, three to five years old, modeling is a great way for kids to learn. Teaching them simple concepts like kindness, sharing, respect. You can do this through storytelling. There's some really great books out there that teach these concepts to young kids.

One of the ones that we liked with our kids was a book called "Kindness Makes Us Strong," and it just talks about how, when your friend hurts themselves or when someone is crying and you offer them comfort. Those are some really simple concepts that even really young kids can learn.

When kids get into elementary school age, we're talking more about friendship skills, what makes a good friend, how to handle disagreements, things like empathy, so understanding why someone might be upset or, why they might be feeling sad. Conflict resolution starts to come into play, so talking about your feelings with I-statements.

I feel upset when you don't include me in your game. Next time I'd like to be included. This is a really great sort of phrase or script to teach your kids. And safe boundaries, thinking about personal space, the importance of respecting other people's boundaries, all of that comes into play. As they get into middle school age, we're talking more about open and honest communication, both at home with family members, but also friends at school.

We're talking about healthy and unhealthy relationships a little bit more with things like trust, respect, and equality in a relationship. Middle school is when peer pressure starts to come into play, so that's also an important aspect of healthy relationships, how to respond to that kind of pressure in a way that feels comfortable.

 And then, online behavior, right? Once they're in middle haven't been exposed to it before then, we're also talking about appropriate online behavior and the impact of online interactions. And then as we get into the high school years, we start thinking about romantic relationships, concepts like consent, the importance of mutual respect in relationships. Maybe the discussions around boundaries are about really setting and respecting personal boundaries in all relationships, identifying those signs of abuse if they're starting to be in those romantic relationships. I know that's hard to hear, but those concepts are important for kids to understand.

Even at a high school age, there can be abuse in relationships. So making sure that your kid's educated on how to recognize those signs. Healthy communication starts to involve more advanced communication skills. So asking for what you want, how to increase the chance you'll get what you're asking for, talking in a way that increases the chance someone will hear or listen to you without being defensive.

These are some more advanced communication skills you might be working on with and older teen. So generally, for all ages, this should be an ongoing conversation. You want to keep the dialogue open, and really adapt it as the kid gets older, their maturity level changes, what's going on in their environment changes, and just being encouraging of them asking you questions and creating a safe space for that.

Host: So, what should parents do or say if they suspect their children's involved in an unhealthy relationship?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: It's important for parents look for those signs. One of the biggest signs that we talk about is changes in behavior. You know your kid, and so when your kid starts to act very differently, that may be a sign that something more concerning is happening. As I mentioned before, are they isolating from friends and family, because that's also a concerning sign.

 Are they having mood swings more than a typical teenager? We know a lot of teenagers have mood swings already, but is it more than what's typical? And then of course, if you're observing unexplained bruises or injuries, that would also be a concern. So you want to approach the topic with sensitivity.

The number one message you want to communicate to your kid is unconditional support. This is so important. A kid needs to hear from their parent, I am here for you no matter what. That has to be the underlying message. You want to create a safe environment to have the conversation, making sure your kid feels safe and supported at home.

Try to avoid confrontational or judgmental language. We want them to know that your concern is them. Their overall safety and wellbeing, rather than criticizing the choices they're making. Saying things like, I can't believe you're still friends with that person or still talking to that person; can make them really shut down and feel guarded and not want to open up.

 Making sure you're giving them your full attention during this conversation, put away the phone, put away the distractions. Give them your attention, it's an important topic. And just really encouraging them to express what they need. You can offer support, especially as kids get older, they may not always want you to intervene.

So I think some parents want to jump to, well, I'm going to go talk to the principal. I'm going to go talk to this kid's parent, and sometimes that might be appropriate, but sometimes your kid might want to handle the situation differently. And so again, depending on their maturity level and developmental level, we want to really foster them to take some independence and assert their needs and be able to advocate for themselves as well. So find out the way to help support them that they're going to find helpful in that situation.

Host: Such good advice. As kids grow up, Doctor, it becomes more important for them to understand their own boundaries, like you were talking about earlier, to reinforce healthy relationships. So, I know you did answer this in part, but do you have any other tips for parents on how they can empower kids to define and enforce those boundaries with others?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: Yes, a tip that I think even as adults, we're still learning, it's okay to say no, is probably my number one tip. Teaching a kid, it's okay to say no. And modeling that for them. Again, like, think about your own relationships and interactions, and what is your kid observing in your relationships.

So are you showing them it's okay to say no? Teaching respect for other people's boundaries. And I want to talk a little bit about, I think we use that word a lot. So just to give it some definition for if you're talking to a kid about what a boundary is. It's a rule or line that helps us feel safe and comfortable with other people.

It's a way that we let other people know what's okay and what's not okay for us. I think it's important just to talk about what a boundary is, because we use that word so often. And help build your child's self esteem by praising them when they set and enforce a boundary. So really encourage them to be independent and praise them when you notice that they're doing those things that you've been talking about.

Host: That's also great advice. I should be writing this all down. How can parents and caregivers create a supportive environment that encourages open discussions about healthy relationships?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: Avoiding judgment. I know that sometimes it's hard to not tell a kid that, what they're doing is bad or wrong but trying to avoid judgement in the conversation. You, as the parent, have the power in the relationship. So sometimes it's up to us as parents to prompt the conversation.

A kid might not feel comfortable coming to us and just telling us that they're having trouble with someone at school or in a relationship, so sometimes we have to start that conversation and ask open ended questions to really encourage your child being engaged in that conversation. Rather than just saying yes or no to something, they're telling you more in terms of how they're feeling or what they're thinking.

 Some self disclosure can be helpful. So, maybe talking about your own experiences when you were their age. But I'll say with that, don't overshare. Think about what you're communicating and don't go on for too long. Remember, the point of it is to help them feel comfortable opening up, not to tell them about your whole life story because kids also have short attention spans.

Host: That's so true. I also found it helpful that if you are friends with your child's friend's parents, you are kind of kept in the loop and vice versa. I mean, something your kids might not want to tell you, they'll tell their best friend and maybe they told their parents and they'll tell you. Do you recommend that?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: Yeah, absolutely. I love that idea of having that shared sort of community or village or bubble of families where kids are friends, parents are friends. I think that is great modeling to the kids of what healthy relationships and healthy communication looks like, for sure.

Host: And is there any other advice you can offer parents and caregivers about teaching their child about healthy relationships?

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: The only other thing I can think of is this might be a good place to use AI. I think a lot of times we're worried about using AI. And if you have a question of how do I talk to my kid about this thing, put it in an AI service and it can give you a script or it can help you come up with the language around talking about some of these topics that can sometimes be hard to broach. So this may be a good place to use AI.

Host: That's a great idea. Thank you so much for sharing your expertise. I mean, you gave us so many good ideas. We really appreciate it.

Jasmine Ghannadpour, PhD, ABPP: I'm happy to. Thanks for having me.

Host: Of course. Again, that's Dr. Jasmine Ghannadpour. Find more trusted advice and tips to keep your child healthy and happy at childrens.com/health.wellness. Thank you for listening to Children's Health Checkup. If you found this podcast helpful, please rate and review or share the episode and please follow Children's Health on your social channels.