Evo Terra (Host): This is Children's Health Checkup where we answer parents' most common questions about raising healthy and happy kids. I'm your host, Evo Terra. and I'm joined today by Dr. Hillary Kimbley, pediatric psychologist at Children's Health and Assistant Professor at UT Southwestern. Our topic today, holiday stress and ways to mitigate the impact on yourself, your family, and your kids. Thanks for being here, Hillary.

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: Thank you, Evo. I appreciate you having me on.

Host: So, the holidays are supposed to be a happy time. Why oh why are they so stressful? Is this something to do with getting older? I don't remember them being this way when I was a kid.

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: You know what? I don't remember it either. I don't know. I always go back to maybe it's the pressure from social media-- who knows-- where we have all the comparisons. But holidays can feel stressful for a lot of reasons. But the ones I see most often are the disruption in routines and schedules, especially for younger kids. We're on school break, we're traveling more, visiting different family and friends and that can throw off sleep schedules, meal times, activities. And kids and even adults feel more secure when their schedule's more predictable. And so, even if there are fun activities or changes, the changes can lead to more anxiety or irritability just because the routine is different.

There's also a lot of pressure and expectations that come with the holidays, like, "We're going to have this magical Christmas or this perfect Thanksgiving gathering." There's traditions to uphold during the holidays and so that extra pressure, guilt, or stress to meet these expectations can cause parents a lot of stress that can then trickle down and cause a lot of stress to kids.

Sometimes the holidays can be very overstimulating. There's crowds and loud music and lights and constant activity and moving, and that can just overload the senses and can feel very overwhelming to kids. And also, what I commonly see is that there's just more strain on resources, time, and attention. Parents are more busy and distracted with planning and preparing and juggling expenses and social commitments. And again, that trickles down to the kids, whether it's the feeling of stress or there can be a break in attention and connection between parents and kids. And so, that's more limited. Kids are going to feel that stress, and then even start fighting for some of that attention and connection through their behavior.

Host: Yeah. And we know what happens when kids really want to vie for attention. They will find a way to get it. So, let's think about this for a moment. And chances are there's a very high likelihood of stress happening around the holidays. It just simply happens. Even though I was immune to it as a child, I'm certainly not as an adult. But as an adult with children, or in my case, a grandchild, I want to look for the over stressful things, right? She's not going to come up to me and say, "Hey, gramps, I'm stressed." So, how do I figure out that this is too much for her?

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: Sure. Yeah. The holidays can be exciting and stressful. And, you know, while every child reacts to it differently, there are some common signs and symptoms that they might be stressing. You made a good point. It's not always through their words. A lot of times with kids, it's more through their behavior or physical symptoms. But sometimes it is more emotional and through their words. And so, you might notice some more emotional symptoms, like changes in their mood, frequent crying, more irritability or kids might be more easily frustrated or clingy. They might say more negative things, like, "I don't want to go, I don't want to do that." Or you might see more acting out. They're acting out their feelings. And so, that might be more tantrums or non-compliance with daily routines and requests or withdrawing more from friends or activities. One big one is changes in sleep or eating patterns. There might be more arguing or testing limits also, or just needing more reassurance from their parents or caregivers.

And then, there are physical signs that are more common that we commonly see, such as headaches, stomach aches, stomach complaints, muscle tension, any changes in their energy level. So, there could be low energy or very high energy or restlessness. And then, kids might complain of like their heart racing or their mind racing and just feeling shaky or uneasy overall.

Host: Yeah. I could see how those things would happen. On the emotional aspect of things, because I can see kids acting out and simply saying all over, but when it comes to emotional, there are a lot of emotions that are locked up inside of the holidays. And I know we as parents, or in my case grandparents, you know, I think we even add some of that stress by talking about how exciting it's going to be this year for whatever reason. So, all of those emotions kind of get wrapped up inside Of a child, and I'm thinking like my granddaughter's seven. So, you know, a relatively small child, that's awfully big emotions when these things are happening. How can I help? Obviously, there are parents, first and foremost, but even as a grandparent, what can I do to help my granddaughter manage those big old emotions when her schedules and routines are being thrown out the window?

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: One thing I want to notice, the big feelings and the big emotions are normal, especially in our younger kiddos, like you're saying seven and below. But any child age, middle school, high school, any kids, big feelings are normal. But thankfully, there are some practical ways that parents or close grandparent or caregiver in the family can help them manage their emotions.

A couple of easy ways are keeping things predictable when you can. So, bedtime routines, meal times, if you have a daily quiet time schedule, as much as you can, keeping those things predictable. And then, when you're not able to keep them predictable, planning. So if you know, like you're not going to be able to meet dinner at a certain time, kids are going to be more cranky when they're hungry or tired. So, making sure you're packing snacks if you're on the go or able to stop and get a quick snack.

Or even sometimes just reviewing the schedule or plan for the day with children when possible, like discussing those changes in their day. Like, "Tomorrow we're going to be at Grandma or grandpa's house," or "We're going to do this tomorrow" so they know what to expect, because they like that predictability.

You want to try to always name and normalize feelings when you can. If you can anticipate that they're going to be tired or hungry, or that they might be overwhelmed or stressed, just name that. Like, it's hard when things are different. It's hard to have these changes or it's hard to have these mixed feelings. Like, we can be excited and tired. So, I say name the feelings to help kids tame them. And so, this validates kids, gives them a voice, teaches them that their feelings are okay, and that we can manage them, and it's okay to talk about them.

And then, in the middle of the hustle and bustle, trying to model that calm and flexibility for kids. So, parents and caregivers are a powerful influence and powerful models for kids. And so, kids take their cues from adults. So, showing how you as an adult or a parent, you're frustrated. So, speaking about that out loud and then modeling what you are doing to help yourself calm down. Like, "Oh, I forgot to get to that store before it closed. I'm really frustrated, but I'm going to take a deep breath." Just modeling that for them can help them stay grounded and calm.

Host: I would assume on a similar vein there, I know that for some families-- not mine obviously-- but for some families that the holidays are a big time for family conflict as well. "My mom hates her sister," and that's just life, right? So, I mean, "What am I going to do with it? They've been this way for 70 some odd years. I can't help with that." But what you just said lets me know that, you know, the kids aren't necessarily going to be distracted by the gifts if we're talking about Christmas time or the food that's on the table if it's Thanksgiving. I mean, the kids are going to pick up on all that stuff, right?

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: I like to use the metaphor for families that parents are the thermostat and children are the temperature. So, parents can set the emotional climate just like a thermostat kind of controls the temperature in the room, and then children are reflecting that emotional climate. And so if the parent is able to be calm and steady in the storm, whether that's family stress or under all the pressure, the children, it's more easy for them to remain calm.

And so, in general, children, they're just highly sensitive to the emotions of the adults and their environment. And they will absorb all of that tension and even stress, even if it has nothing to do with them, right? Mom's conflict with her sister has nothing to do with the kids, right? And so, being mindful that if that tension is around them, if the environment is rushed or there's a lot of pressure, children will mirror that. And that tension, they might act out in the ways we talked about earlier, emotionally, behaviorally, or physically.

Host: You are correct that there's a lot of that that's going around that the kids can feel. But yeah, and the idea of mindfulness, like I wasn't thinking of 40 years ago when I was a kid. But now, we are much more aware of it and being like, that's excellent advice. So on that note of excellent advice, let's do some positive stuff here. Any realistic and also friendly ways we can use to reduce stress for the family and the kids involved?

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: Sure. Starting with maybe communicating and planning together as a family. Each family gets to make their own meaning of the holidays. And so, I know I mentioned earlier like there's pressure from media in general or social media that the holidays have to look a certain way, but you can sit down as a family and communicate and plan, like how are the holidays going to look for us? And so, do we want to have a balance between, like, restful activities versus active activities. Like, we're going to do a pajama and Christmas movie day at home, and then next week we might go see the lights.

So, getting everyone's input about what you want the holidays to look like for you and what a good balance would be for a holiday schedule. Trying to simplify that as much as you can. So, that might be picking a few traditions or events that matter the most. Like, we know we want to go see grandparents this year and we know we want to bake those cookies and maybe do one or two activities outside the house. And so, scheduling those and sticking to that more simple schedule, but still, there's a lot of fun for kids.

Protecting the routines that keep kids grounded like we talked about earlier, bedtimes and meal times. And then, focusing on the connection over having this perfect holiday. Kids are going to remember how they felt a lot more than they're going to remember what you did. And so, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves as parents. And I'm guilty of this too, like, "Oh, we're going to do all the perfect things." But if I'm stressed while I'm doing it, kids are more likely going to remember that than sitting and doing an activity when the caregiver is more calm.

And then, in general too, keep realistic expectation for kids' behavior. We're going to expect that there're going to be some meltdowns, some tiredness, some overstimulation. And so, checking in with them, normalizing how they feel, and then praising when changes in their routines and schedules, when they're handling that well.

Host: I want to go back and talk a little bit about activities. These things that we have decided over generations that are going to be the way that we celebrate a holiday given days. And sometimes that's in conflict with the new people in our family. Not talking about my daughter-in-law. That's not what I'm talking about whatsoever. That's exactly what I'm talking about. And things like, you know, overeating at Thanksgiving, you know, do kids give other kids presents, kids give adults presents, and all of these things. We use some kind of boundaries around that to protect the kids' well-being, don't we?

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: Yes, we do. And boundaries is such a buzz word these days. And sometimes that word, it's taken the wrong way. But boundaries are so healthy and they're not to punish, they're not to reject or to be mean, but boundaries are a way of protecting the well-being of your family's peace, health, connection, and overall rest. And so, they're very important and very essential to your family's overall well-being. And so again, that's deciding what's going to matter most to your family this year. Being okay with saying no, like, "Not this year," just kindly and clearly. Trying to limit maybe overcrowded or overstimulating events, how many of those you do. Protecting your family's downtime. And even just setting boundaries around sensitive topics, whether that's child rearing or different things just going on around us in the community and setting also realistic budgets and communicating that with family members. Like, "Hey, we're going to do a gift exchange this year. We're going to do something a little more simpler to avoid overspending," or we're really trying to teach gratitude and other ways to show people that we care about them outside of gifts like volunteering or different things like that. And so, just clearly explaining and communicating with family members what those boundaries are going to look like for your family this year.

Host: Yeah, that's really good advice that I failed to follow. But I'm going to try to do that. Hey, speaking of us parents and grandparents, in my particular case, you know, you said earlier the concept of the thermostat versus the temperature, right? So if we're setting the thermostat, we need to model some healthy stress management to our kids. And, when I was a kid, that was chain smoking and binge drinking, but I don't think that's the recommended in 2025. So, what tips do you have for me that aren't those two things?

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: Yeah, and children learn more from what we do than what we say. So, this is definitely not in line with the do as I say, not as I do mentality and things like that. So, showing calm, just not talking calm. Kids watch and notice our body language, our tone, how we move more than our words. And so, making sure we're showing that. That's discussing feelings, what we're doing while we're doing it, and then showing how we pause and calm ourselves. And it teaches kids how to regulate their emotions in real time.

And when we talk about our feelings open and honestly, we show that feelings are not bad and that they can be managed, we don't have to hide them. And when we show kids that, they feel more safe, they feel more open and safe to talk about their feelings and emotions. And they're more open to trying new ways to calm themselves down. We can practice that with our kids together too. If we need a break, we can say, "Hey, I'm going to do some deep breathing. Would you like to practice this or try this with me?" And then, that's like helping to co-regulate and co-teach them some strategies as we are doing them.

Another thing that's really important is just like we can expect. Our kids to have some behavior problems, we can expect that we're going to have stressful moments also. We're going to make mistakes also and not be able to stay calm a hundred percent of the time. It's just not realistic. We're human. And so, repairing after stressful moments is really important too. And so, that's just sitting down with your child and saying, "You know what? I was frustrated earlier. I raised my voice or I yelled or I was snappy and that wasn't okay. Or I could see how that could hurt your feeling. So, I should have taken a break. And so, I want to apologize, and I want to make things better. And so, that teaches kids accountability, that it's okay to make mistakes and then to repair and helps them to have healthy relationships in the future.

And then, all that to say, give yourself grace as a parent. We're going to mess up and try to use as much humor as you can, because things can get hard. And so, it's just looking at the big picture and laughing if you burn the turkey or if you got the ugly sweater that year. You know, keeping things in perspective and focusing on the meaning of the holidays for you and your family.

Host: Yeah, I think that is the right advice. Definitely. Anything else you'd like to add?

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: Just keeping the main thing. The main thing, focusing on what's most important for the family and what your goals are and what your values are. You can't go wrong with that.

Host: Great advice. Thank you very much, Hillary, for the conversation.

Dr. Hillary Kimbley: No problem. Thank you for having me.

Host: And thank you for listening to Children's Health Checkup. For more advice on how to have a healthy and happy season with kids, visit childrens.com/holiday. If you found this podcast episode helpful, please rate and review or share the episode and please follow Children's Health on your social channels.