Melanie Cole, MS (Host): Welcome to Children's Health Checkup, where we answer parents' most common questions about raising healthy and happy kids. I'm Melanie Cole. And today, we're talking about personal safety and boundaries. And a quick note before we begin, this episode contains material of a sensitive nature, including discussions on personal safety and boundaries that some listeners may find disturbing. We know this can be a difficult subject, so please take care of yourself while listening.
Joining me is Isabel Gaytan. She's a clinical therapist and team lead of the Outpatient Psychiatry Clinic at Children's Health. Isabel, thank you so much for joining us today. So, let's talk about personal safety and boundaries and what that even really means. What does it mean to teach kids about that?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: Yeah. So, teaching kids about personal safety and boundaries means helping them understand that their body, their feelings, and personal space matter. It includes teaching children that they have the right to feel safe, to say no to unwanted touch, interactions, to speak up when something feels uncomfortable or confusing.
And from a therapeutic lens, it's about building body awareness, emotional literacy, and helping kids trust their own instinct. These conversations are not meant to create fear or discomfort. On the contrary, they're meant to build confidence, safety, and help with the long-term building healthy relationships.
Melanie Cole, MS: Thank you for telling us that. So ,what age? I mean, certainly these kinds of conversations, which can be difficult to start and difficult to have certainly with teenagers and tweens, but what age should parents start having these conversations, and how do we keep them age-appropriate?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: These conversations aren't meant to be, you know, big and scary. They're something that we can introduce in everyday interactions. So when you think about a baby, language is really important for brain development. And so, we often talk to our little ones, even whenever they're in utero, right? We talk to our belly. And when they're born, we talk to them, and we track what's going on. You know, we notice that they're laughing, and we just we're constantly communicating. And so, it can start there of, you know, your toesies. And with that, utilizing proper language for the body parts, your tummy, you know, and so forth.
But really, it's a building conversation that just continues to go as the child continues to grow, and then you start to expand on topics such as privacy, consent, peer relationships, online safety, healthy boundaries. They build on each other. They're not necessarily meant to be one big talk.
Melanie Cole, MS: Well, that's interesting. And I'm glad you pointed that out. Because it is a heavy subject, there are some parts of that topic that are difficult to discuss. So, give us some advice here. What are some of the simple ways to teach kids about body safety and consent in everyday situations, because our kids are out and about? I would like you to talk about social media and our kids being online and talking about consent in those situations as well.
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: I'll address the first one first, you know, everyday situations. With that, think about a doctor's visits, right? We take our kids to the doctor pretty regularly for a well visit, anytime that they're feeling unwell, and sometimes in those doctor's visits, a doctor may check their private parts as they're checking for different ailments, different concerns. And so, that's a great opportunity to discuss how a doctor may check your private parts. But an adult, a parent, a nurse, someone else has to be in the room, right? Because this is all part of consent, and this is all part of privacy.
Another way in a more kind of everyday conversation is asking simple permissions to give a hug or to give a kiss, and allowing children to have the final say on their body. Oftentimes with loved ones, family members, especially around holidays, you know, they want to give really tight hugs or give lots of kisses. And so, letting kids know that they can decide if they prefer to give a handshake, a high five, or a side hug, to these family members gives them that control over their body and starts to teach them that they have those physical boundaries and that they get to decide what feels comfortable for them and that you as a parent are going to respect that.
When it comes to social media, it's really important, a couple of pieces there. One is ensuring that parents are engaging in proper parental controls with regards to social media and electronics. And then, two, there is an educational piece there with children of helping them understand that their body is private and their body is not for showing to other people. And that if anyone were to make a request that makes them feel uncomfortable, for them to speak up and speak to a parent about this.
Helping them know that there are people online that are not who they say they are, and that's part of living in the world. If there are any interactions that leave them uncomfortable, again, building that relationship of trust that they can come to you, they can speak to you, and that you will stay cool, calm, collected in responding and interacting and supporting, and that they're not in any sort of trouble.
Melanie Cole, MS: That's so important these days. And, I mean, we could do a podcast just on that and social media savvy and safety online because there is so much to talk about. But when we're talking about in-person and those boundaries, how do we recognize, Isabel, when something just doesn't feel right? I mean, as a parent of kids in their 20s now, I can look back and say that I had instincts about certain things.
If the kids weren't where they said they were, or they did something that maybe they shouldn't have, I had instincts. So, we have to trust our instincts as parents, but how do we recognize that it's along those lines?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: Yeah. So, part of this is the building that's being done, right? With a child, it's very common with toddlers that they'll struggle with some sort of physical aggression or just difficulty with, like, emotional regulation. And so, there may be some hitting, some yelling, some biting involved, right? Very typical behavior as we're growing into teenage years and adulthood. So during that time, we're teaching our kids, you know, "You are not for hitting. You are not for yelling. You are not for biting. I'm not for hitting. I'm not for yelling. I'm not for biting." So, we're starting to build that vocabulary. We're starting to build that language and that understanding around boundaries.
When we start to notice that things just don't feel right, what I tend to hear from parents is they're noticing a change in their child's behavior, whether it's externalization such as physical aggression, yelling, hitting that's out of character or at a frequency that's not common for their child, or the opposite, that internalized behavior where they're having those explosions on the inside, but they're shutting down and they're not as interactive. They're more quiet. They're more reserved. So, any change like that, I think, that's a sign that something's going on. And that's a sign that as a parent, we want to start to have those conversations with our children of, "Hey, I'm noticing that I've been getting more calls from school," or, "I'm noticing that you're not hanging out with your friend as much. Is there anything going on?" You know, and just creating that safe place to have those conversations to understand what is going on because we can't assume, right? We just need to put on our curiosity hat to first listen, validate. And then, see if there's anything that we as parents need to do.
Melanie Cole, MS: It's so important, that communication, as you said. We have to have those lines open. And I feel lucky as a parent that my kids told me pretty much everything they did as teenagers and, you know, now we can laugh about some of it, but really those lines of communications must stay open.
But when they do, sometimes, Isabel, kids have trouble with the phrases. Even if we've talked to them about this as they've been growing up, they don't know kind of how to say it and be confident about it because it's so uncomfortable. Do you have some phrases, some language that kids can use to express those boundaries confidently?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: And again, because this is layered, some of this language has already been given. When, you know, your child is upset and they hit you, and you say, "I'm not for hitting, and you're not for hitting." And so, you're already starting to build that language, so if someone were to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, they know I am not for touching that way. I am not for—fill in the blank—with what's going on.
In addition to that, when we are asking our kids, you know, "Do you want a side hug? Do you want to shake hands?" We're giving them that language there as well of being able to say, "Hey, I don't want to be touched that way, but I'm okay being touched this way."
In addition to that, some other phrases that you can practice with your child. And this is commonly used in trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy when we're teaching boundary setting and limit setting and exercising the memory of being able to use these words of starting to have experiences to use them so that they have something to draw on are things like, "No, thank you. I don't like that. Please stop. I need space. I wanted to ask my parent first. That makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not for X." So, those would be some.
Melanie Cole, MS: Thank you. That helps a lot. Now, what do we do? How should parents respond if their child shares something that made them uncomfortable, if they tell us something, you know, we certainly remember the days when a child falls and they just look at us for our response. And if we go, "Oh my God, are you okay?" then, they start to cry. But if we go, "Oh, you know, get up, you're fine," then they're fine. Again, if a child tells us something, if we overreact, even if it's something really, really bad, then they will freak out. So, what do we do, Isabel? How do we react to keep our child calm so they can recount this to the authorities if that's what's necessary?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: A really important piece here is co-regulation. So, regulation is I'm staying cool, calm, collected. Co-regulation is I'm helping another nervous system stay cool, calm, collected by staying cool, calm, collected myself. It's really important that if our children speak up about any sort of uncomfortable touch that they've received, that we stay calm, that we listen, you know, we let them know, " Thank you so much for sharing. I'm really proud of you for letting me know about this. You did the right thing. I can imagine that you may be feeling—fill in the word there. But staying calm helps create that emotional safety, helps them know and be reassured that everything's going to be okay.
If the child is reporting sexual abuse or physical abuse, the parent should contact the police or CPS to prompt an investigation, and that will support linkage to mental health services to address the trauma and any trauma symptoms. An inappropriate touch can be by someone we know and trust, and it is not like the movies tend to portray a stranger. If the inappropriate touch, though, that's described as more a friend is holding my hand and I didn't want to hold hands, I would encourage the parent to practice with their child how to communicate this to a friend so that they have language around communicating the physical boundary that they're wanting to set.
Melanie Cole, MS: And some signs, Isabel, that our kids are struggling with boundaries or some signs that they're feeling unsafe. We've heard over the years about signs that our children are suffering from anxiety disorders or eating disorders or depression, what about signs that they're feeling unsafe? Are there some red flags?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: So, there isn't something specific that can tell us this child experienced a specific type of traumatic event. But as a parent, trusting your instinct when you're noticing a change in your child's behavior, changes in mood, changes in energy, changes in their physical movement, you know, if you notice that they're constantly on edge or the opposite again, because, right, we're talking about externalization and internalization. Sometimes we show our feelings outwardly, sometimes we shut down. And so, any change like that is reason to have a conversation with your child, what's going on. And falling back on that relationship that you've built with your child of having already had other tough conversations up until now helps support your child being able to open up.
Melanie Cole, MS: Well, I think also that's where that, as you say, the lines of communication and that instinct that we have as parents really comes into play. I mean, it's certainly not easy. This is a difficult subject to broach, but you've given us so much to think about. As we wrap up, give us your best advice for creating that open, ongoing dialogue so kids feel safe coming to their parents about anything that makes them feel unsafe or uncomfortable when it comes to personal safety and boundaries.
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: So, making sure that we're teaching and using correct names for body parts is the number one thing. And then, two, making sure that we are constantly working on helping empower our child on appropriate sense of control over their body, right? You get to decide who you hug, you get to decide who you give a handshake to.
All of this supports that autonomy helps support that self-confidence. And then, continuously discussing body parts, boundaries, privacy, consent, it's an ongoing dialogue. Every time that we discuss this topic, it lets our children know that we are a safe person to talk about this with. It strengthens that communication, it strengthens the confidence in the child to speak to you, and it increases the likelihood that if anything were to ever happen that doesn't feel comfortable for them, they know exactly who they can come and speak to.
Melanie Cole, MS: Thank you so much, Isabel, for joining us today and really sharing your incredible expertise on this topic. For more information, please visit childrens.com/psychiatry. Thank you so much for listening to Children's Health Checkup. If you found this podcast helpful, please rate and review or share the episode, and please follow Children's Health on your social channels.
Joining me is Isabel Gaytan. She's a clinical therapist and team lead of the Outpatient Psychiatry Clinic at Children's Health. Isabel, thank you so much for joining us today. So, let's talk about personal safety and boundaries and what that even really means. What does it mean to teach kids about that?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: Yeah. So, teaching kids about personal safety and boundaries means helping them understand that their body, their feelings, and personal space matter. It includes teaching children that they have the right to feel safe, to say no to unwanted touch, interactions, to speak up when something feels uncomfortable or confusing.
And from a therapeutic lens, it's about building body awareness, emotional literacy, and helping kids trust their own instinct. These conversations are not meant to create fear or discomfort. On the contrary, they're meant to build confidence, safety, and help with the long-term building healthy relationships.
Melanie Cole, MS: Thank you for telling us that. So ,what age? I mean, certainly these kinds of conversations, which can be difficult to start and difficult to have certainly with teenagers and tweens, but what age should parents start having these conversations, and how do we keep them age-appropriate?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: These conversations aren't meant to be, you know, big and scary. They're something that we can introduce in everyday interactions. So when you think about a baby, language is really important for brain development. And so, we often talk to our little ones, even whenever they're in utero, right? We talk to our belly. And when they're born, we talk to them, and we track what's going on. You know, we notice that they're laughing, and we just we're constantly communicating. And so, it can start there of, you know, your toesies. And with that, utilizing proper language for the body parts, your tummy, you know, and so forth.
But really, it's a building conversation that just continues to go as the child continues to grow, and then you start to expand on topics such as privacy, consent, peer relationships, online safety, healthy boundaries. They build on each other. They're not necessarily meant to be one big talk.
Melanie Cole, MS: Well, that's interesting. And I'm glad you pointed that out. Because it is a heavy subject, there are some parts of that topic that are difficult to discuss. So, give us some advice here. What are some of the simple ways to teach kids about body safety and consent in everyday situations, because our kids are out and about? I would like you to talk about social media and our kids being online and talking about consent in those situations as well.
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: I'll address the first one first, you know, everyday situations. With that, think about a doctor's visits, right? We take our kids to the doctor pretty regularly for a well visit, anytime that they're feeling unwell, and sometimes in those doctor's visits, a doctor may check their private parts as they're checking for different ailments, different concerns. And so, that's a great opportunity to discuss how a doctor may check your private parts. But an adult, a parent, a nurse, someone else has to be in the room, right? Because this is all part of consent, and this is all part of privacy.
Another way in a more kind of everyday conversation is asking simple permissions to give a hug or to give a kiss, and allowing children to have the final say on their body. Oftentimes with loved ones, family members, especially around holidays, you know, they want to give really tight hugs or give lots of kisses. And so, letting kids know that they can decide if they prefer to give a handshake, a high five, or a side hug, to these family members gives them that control over their body and starts to teach them that they have those physical boundaries and that they get to decide what feels comfortable for them and that you as a parent are going to respect that.
When it comes to social media, it's really important, a couple of pieces there. One is ensuring that parents are engaging in proper parental controls with regards to social media and electronics. And then, two, there is an educational piece there with children of helping them understand that their body is private and their body is not for showing to other people. And that if anyone were to make a request that makes them feel uncomfortable, for them to speak up and speak to a parent about this.
Helping them know that there are people online that are not who they say they are, and that's part of living in the world. If there are any interactions that leave them uncomfortable, again, building that relationship of trust that they can come to you, they can speak to you, and that you will stay cool, calm, collected in responding and interacting and supporting, and that they're not in any sort of trouble.
Melanie Cole, MS: That's so important these days. And, I mean, we could do a podcast just on that and social media savvy and safety online because there is so much to talk about. But when we're talking about in-person and those boundaries, how do we recognize, Isabel, when something just doesn't feel right? I mean, as a parent of kids in their 20s now, I can look back and say that I had instincts about certain things.
If the kids weren't where they said they were, or they did something that maybe they shouldn't have, I had instincts. So, we have to trust our instincts as parents, but how do we recognize that it's along those lines?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: Yeah. So, part of this is the building that's being done, right? With a child, it's very common with toddlers that they'll struggle with some sort of physical aggression or just difficulty with, like, emotional regulation. And so, there may be some hitting, some yelling, some biting involved, right? Very typical behavior as we're growing into teenage years and adulthood. So during that time, we're teaching our kids, you know, "You are not for hitting. You are not for yelling. You are not for biting. I'm not for hitting. I'm not for yelling. I'm not for biting." So, we're starting to build that vocabulary. We're starting to build that language and that understanding around boundaries.
When we start to notice that things just don't feel right, what I tend to hear from parents is they're noticing a change in their child's behavior, whether it's externalization such as physical aggression, yelling, hitting that's out of character or at a frequency that's not common for their child, or the opposite, that internalized behavior where they're having those explosions on the inside, but they're shutting down and they're not as interactive. They're more quiet. They're more reserved. So, any change like that, I think, that's a sign that something's going on. And that's a sign that as a parent, we want to start to have those conversations with our children of, "Hey, I'm noticing that I've been getting more calls from school," or, "I'm noticing that you're not hanging out with your friend as much. Is there anything going on?" You know, and just creating that safe place to have those conversations to understand what is going on because we can't assume, right? We just need to put on our curiosity hat to first listen, validate. And then, see if there's anything that we as parents need to do.
Melanie Cole, MS: It's so important, that communication, as you said. We have to have those lines open. And I feel lucky as a parent that my kids told me pretty much everything they did as teenagers and, you know, now we can laugh about some of it, but really those lines of communications must stay open.
But when they do, sometimes, Isabel, kids have trouble with the phrases. Even if we've talked to them about this as they've been growing up, they don't know kind of how to say it and be confident about it because it's so uncomfortable. Do you have some phrases, some language that kids can use to express those boundaries confidently?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: And again, because this is layered, some of this language has already been given. When, you know, your child is upset and they hit you, and you say, "I'm not for hitting, and you're not for hitting." And so, you're already starting to build that language, so if someone were to touch them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, they know I am not for touching that way. I am not for—fill in the blank—with what's going on.
In addition to that, when we are asking our kids, you know, "Do you want a side hug? Do you want to shake hands?" We're giving them that language there as well of being able to say, "Hey, I don't want to be touched that way, but I'm okay being touched this way."
In addition to that, some other phrases that you can practice with your child. And this is commonly used in trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy when we're teaching boundary setting and limit setting and exercising the memory of being able to use these words of starting to have experiences to use them so that they have something to draw on are things like, "No, thank you. I don't like that. Please stop. I need space. I wanted to ask my parent first. That makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not for X." So, those would be some.
Melanie Cole, MS: Thank you. That helps a lot. Now, what do we do? How should parents respond if their child shares something that made them uncomfortable, if they tell us something, you know, we certainly remember the days when a child falls and they just look at us for our response. And if we go, "Oh my God, are you okay?" then, they start to cry. But if we go, "Oh, you know, get up, you're fine," then they're fine. Again, if a child tells us something, if we overreact, even if it's something really, really bad, then they will freak out. So, what do we do, Isabel? How do we react to keep our child calm so they can recount this to the authorities if that's what's necessary?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: A really important piece here is co-regulation. So, regulation is I'm staying cool, calm, collected. Co-regulation is I'm helping another nervous system stay cool, calm, collected by staying cool, calm, collected myself. It's really important that if our children speak up about any sort of uncomfortable touch that they've received, that we stay calm, that we listen, you know, we let them know, " Thank you so much for sharing. I'm really proud of you for letting me know about this. You did the right thing. I can imagine that you may be feeling—fill in the word there. But staying calm helps create that emotional safety, helps them know and be reassured that everything's going to be okay.
If the child is reporting sexual abuse or physical abuse, the parent should contact the police or CPS to prompt an investigation, and that will support linkage to mental health services to address the trauma and any trauma symptoms. An inappropriate touch can be by someone we know and trust, and it is not like the movies tend to portray a stranger. If the inappropriate touch, though, that's described as more a friend is holding my hand and I didn't want to hold hands, I would encourage the parent to practice with their child how to communicate this to a friend so that they have language around communicating the physical boundary that they're wanting to set.
Melanie Cole, MS: And some signs, Isabel, that our kids are struggling with boundaries or some signs that they're feeling unsafe. We've heard over the years about signs that our children are suffering from anxiety disorders or eating disorders or depression, what about signs that they're feeling unsafe? Are there some red flags?
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: So, there isn't something specific that can tell us this child experienced a specific type of traumatic event. But as a parent, trusting your instinct when you're noticing a change in your child's behavior, changes in mood, changes in energy, changes in their physical movement, you know, if you notice that they're constantly on edge or the opposite again, because, right, we're talking about externalization and internalization. Sometimes we show our feelings outwardly, sometimes we shut down. And so, any change like that is reason to have a conversation with your child, what's going on. And falling back on that relationship that you've built with your child of having already had other tough conversations up until now helps support your child being able to open up.
Melanie Cole, MS: Well, I think also that's where that, as you say, the lines of communication and that instinct that we have as parents really comes into play. I mean, it's certainly not easy. This is a difficult subject to broach, but you've given us so much to think about. As we wrap up, give us your best advice for creating that open, ongoing dialogue so kids feel safe coming to their parents about anything that makes them feel unsafe or uncomfortable when it comes to personal safety and boundaries.
Isabel Gaytan, MS, LPC-S, RPT: So, making sure that we're teaching and using correct names for body parts is the number one thing. And then, two, making sure that we are constantly working on helping empower our child on appropriate sense of control over their body, right? You get to decide who you hug, you get to decide who you give a handshake to.
All of this supports that autonomy helps support that self-confidence. And then, continuously discussing body parts, boundaries, privacy, consent, it's an ongoing dialogue. Every time that we discuss this topic, it lets our children know that we are a safe person to talk about this with. It strengthens that communication, it strengthens the confidence in the child to speak to you, and it increases the likelihood that if anything were to ever happen that doesn't feel comfortable for them, they know exactly who they can come and speak to.
Melanie Cole, MS: Thank you so much, Isabel, for joining us today and really sharing your incredible expertise on this topic. For more information, please visit childrens.com/psychiatry. Thank you so much for listening to Children's Health Checkup. If you found this podcast helpful, please rate and review or share the episode, and please follow Children's Health on your social channels.