Melanie Cole, MS (Host): Welcome to Children's Health Checkup, where we answer parents' most common questions about raising healthy and happy kids. I'm Melanie Cole. And today, we're asking the question, how do I know if my child is being bullied? Joining me is Sara Loftin She's a clinical therapist and registered play therapist supervisor at Children's Health Dallas.

Sara, thank you so much for joining us today. So, as we get into this topic, which is just so important today, what is bullying? How do we define it? And as it can look different than it used to back in my day, what has changed about it? It comes in many different forms now, doesn't it?

Sara Loftin, LPC-S: Definitely, it does. And yeah, thanks for having me, Melanie. I think this is a really important topic to discuss. So, bullying is more than just kids being mean to each other. We generally think about three things, aggressive or harmful behavior, a power imbalance of some sort, and then repetition or the potential for the behavior to be repeated. The power imbalance can be physical, social, emotional, or even digital. So, that doesn't mean that something has to happen 10 times before we take it seriously. A single incident can be very harmful and deserves attention, even if we wouldn't technically call it bullying.

I think there's an important distinction. Conflict, for example, is when two children with relatively equal power disagree. Mean behavior is when there's harmful behavior that may be intentional, but doesn't necessarily involve a power imbalance or a pattern. And then, we have bullying. So, that is this repeated or potentially repeated aggression with a power imbalance. So, not every mean interaction is bullying, but every child who is being hurt does deserve to be taken seriously.

Melanie Cole, MS: Wow, that was a great answer, and so important the way you made those distinctions. Thank you for clearing that up and really clarifying that. Now, in this day and age of social media, cell phones, online gaming, I've heard some of the things when my kids were younger that was going on in my son's headset while he was playing various online gaming. How has that changed how we look at bullying today?

Sara Loftin, LPC-S: Oh, Melanie, that has changed it a lot. You know, technology hasn't created bullying, right? As you mentioned, it's been around for a long time, but it has definitely changed the reach, the speed, the audience. You know, I think before kids could kind of take a break at home and be away from the bullying, but now it's continuing.

Digital bullying is real. They can't get away from it now. You know, I think now there's 24/7 access for bullies to people that they're bullying. There's a larger audience. The content can be shared rapidly. Now, we can take screenshots of what bullies are saying. There's also these anonymous accounts, so you can't really identify who the bully is.

As you mentioned, online gaming, there's lots of trash talk that's happening and exclusion, even harassment or targeting. There's group chats that can create social pressure and be just a playground for bullying. A child may repeatedly encounter that content even after the original bullying incident.

So, one of the biggest changes I think technology has made is that home is no longer this automatically safe space or break from the social world at school. It really changes the landscape of social dynamics and bullying in general. I'm really glad you brought that up.

Melanie Cole, MS: Yeah, that's so important. And in some ways we know that social media and all of that has made our children worldly—more worldly than we were—smarter you know, all these things. But in other ways, as you just described, it's a little bit sad because that means that that home base is not always that safe space that kids sometimes need if feel that kind of harassment or bullying.

Now, how does bullying, Sara, look different as a child ages? Because it does come in many different forms as they age.

Sara Loftin, LPC-S: Definitely, yes. In the same way that kids interact socially in different ways at different developmental levels, bullying can also manifest differently. So with younger kids, we're looking at more physical behavior, more exclusion from play. Now, this doesn't mean that every time your younger child is excluded from play, they're being bullied, right? It's a repeated behavior, and it's typically compounded with other behaviors as well. But they may take toys or items from the child, lots of name-calling, lots of, "You can't play with us." And there's obviously more adult involvement, just helping intervene and things like that.

With elementary age children, now we have more friend group dynamics that become more important at this age. There can be more rumors and exclusion. There's more teasing. Even at this age, a more focus on social status and who's better than whom. There's lots of best friend conflicts at this age. And then, even group chats and gaming are now starting this young.

Now, with the transition into middle school, we all know that that is a rough time for kids. So, they have more social relationships that just start to become more complex. There's this importance of a reputation and belonging. So, there's a lot more group exclusion at this age. Definitely more rumors that can happen as a source of bullying. There are more appearance-related comments, unfortunately. At this age, we start to have more sexual or identity-based teasing, which can be really hard for kids to even understand. And then, this is when digital bullying really starts, is during middle school.

Now with high school, bullying can be more covert. I think there's even more of an emphasis on reputation, bullying around relationships and dating. Sexual harassment can start at this age too, which is, you know, online harassment. We've heard more and more about that, of images being shared or more rumors and more social exclusion.

I think that the point to take home is that as children get older, bullying can become less visible to adults, which is scary. The child may be experiencing something significant, but without there being a physical fight or an obvious symptom that an adult can see.

Melanie Cole, MS: Wow. It certainly has become, as you said, that perfect word, more covert. And I mean, back in the day, and we saw on TV a kid would come home with a black eye or a bruise or something and be like, "Okay, I was bullied at school."

But now, as you say, with images being shared, I mean, there's a lot, and it really can be detrimental to a child's mental health as these things go on. So, tell us the signs of bullying and importantly, the signs that parents may miss, things that we might not recognize, especially if our child isn't telling us these things. What are we looking for, Sara?

Sara Loftin, LPC-S: Yeah, that's a really great point. I think if your child is all of a sudden not wanting to go to school or not wanting to do maybe extracurricular activities they once really enjoyed, if they have some of those psychosomatic symptoms of stomach aches or headaches, especially if it's before school, if there's changes in sleep or appetite, if your child becomes more withdrawn, if we see some more irritability or emotional outbursts, which, let's be honest, that's challenging to tell the difference of just typical teen behavior.

If they lose interest, right, in these activities they normally enjoyed or have declining grades or they're not as engaged in school, all of a sudden they want to stay home, which might be odd for your child. If they're avoiding the phone or social media or just becoming unusually distressed by exposure to those things, I think that's a big red flag.

Also, if they come home and they maybe lost something or something is damaged, if there are big changes in their friendships, if they're wanting to change schools all of a sudden, I think that's a big red flag as well. Also, if your child is just seeking reassurance either from you or from their peers, I think that might be something to look more into. Or even if they are just more sad or anxious or angry than they used to be. I think it's important to remember that not all kids will look sad, right, if they're being bullied. They may be mad, even defiant, or that they're suddenly having these challenging behaviors popping up. Sometimes the behavior that we're seeing is the child's way of communicating that something is off.

Melanie Cole, MS: So, what's a parent to do if they suspect that their child is being bullied?

Sara Loftin, LPC-S: Yeah. I think that's the tough part, right, is now we have this information, but how do we help? I think, there are five steps when we're responding that can be helpful. I think if we really listen, we validate, we get specific information, document, and involve the adults that need to be involved.

So, first, we listen. I think as parents, we really want to jump into problem-solving, and especially when it comes to bullying and our own child. And so, we want to jump in, we want to fix it, we want to help. But oftentimes, that's not what our child really needs in that moment. So, if we can really listen, and just hear what they have to say, I think that can be really important.

And then, validating. So, "Thank you so much for telling this to me. It sounds like this has been really hard for you." They can feel understood and know that you're on their side. And I think those two things have to happen before we really dig more into the bullying situation and what's going on. But man, when we do, we want to know what happened, who's involved, when and where does it happen, and how often, and just what is going on. And if there's anything going online, we want to know about that too.

And then, documenting. Getting those dates of what happened, when it happened, screenshots if there is any online involvement, any messages that were sent back and forth, really jotting down those names and location, just to know that you have good information about what has happened to your child.

And then, get people involved that need to be involved. So if it's happening at school, we really want to involve the school, school administrators, the principal, teachers, to really focus on specific behaviors and safety. Maybe not just calling and saying, "This kid needs to be kicked out of school," but really focusing on how can we help your child be safe at school. It's also important to not encourage your child to retaliate, right? We don't want the goal to be for the child to fight back, but to really help them be safe and supported and connected with those adults that can intervene.

Melanie Cole, MS: Now what if our child says, "But Mom, don't, tell anybody please, because it's only going to make things worse for me," or, "I'll be too embarrassed," or, "Don't go to the school because they're going to then bring that kid in and I'm going to get in even more trouble." What do we do then?

Sara Loftin, LPC-S: Yeah, I think that's a really tough question. It can be a very helpless feeling for your child, but also for the parent that's involved. We want to take that request seriously, and again, back to steps one and two, listening and validating. But we can't promise secrecy.

This happens a lot in the counseling and the therapy world, where, you know, we may have to disclose something to make sure that the child is safe. So, you know, I think a parent can say, "I understand that you don't want me to tell anyone. I don't want to embarrass you. I'm not going to do this to embarrass you or make this bigger than it needs to be. But we need to make sure that you're safe, and we're going to talk about how to do that together." And I think involving the child is really helpful and maybe how they disclose or what exactly is shared. But steps do need to be taken, especially if there are threats, if physical aggression is occurring, the child feels unsafe at school, there's significant emotional distress. We got to step in and make sure our kids are safe.

Melanie Cole, MS: Yeah, it's really hard as a parent, especially if your child does ask you that, because it can be heartbreaking. You know, they're a little more scared and you just really want to take control of the situation and do all the things. Now, another difficult situation, Sara. What if someone tells you or you suspect that your child might be bullying somebody else?

Whether you hear them in their bedroom online say something you definitely do not approve of, or some parent comes to you, what do you do then if the tables are turned?

Sara Loftin, LPC-S: Man, what a challenging—it happens, right? I mean, and what a challenging situation. I think, first and foremost, just having this atmosphere in your family of one of forgiveness, reconciliation. As parents, we want to model appropriate feelings expression and coping for our kids.

You know, a lot of times, parents can jump into mama bear mode and that they'll protect their child no matter what, even if the child is the one that is doing the bullying. But man, we also just want to raise kids who become adults that are just functioning members of society, right? That's what we want.

As parents, we want our kids to be good kids. And so, I think trying to make sure that you listen to every perspective and that you don't jump in and say, "Wow, my kid would never do that." But you are aware that your child could be the one that is bullying, and that you make sure that that's not tolerated in your home.

I think that there are consequences that you can place at home, and also collaborate and problem solve with your child about how they can make it right. Again, modeling empathy for them, helping them in perspective-taking, right, of what that child might be feeling or experiencing, and then helping them make it right and guiding them and collaborating with them on what that process looks like.

Melanie Cole, MS: Well, that's great advice. Really great advice. Wow, Sara, you're so good at this. Now, as we get ready to wrap up, what are some things that you would like every parent to know about bullying and when it's time to really seek out professional help for their child so that you can help them? Because as parents, that's really what it's all about

Sara Loftin, LPC-S: Definitely. Again, if it's just mean behavior or if it's just a conflict at school, we don't need to jump in, right? I think it's important for kids to really learn how to navigate these social situations on their own. I think as parents, we can jump into some lawnmower parenting and try to mow everything down to give them a clear path. But they will have conflict at school, and that's okay, and it's okay for them to navigate that.

However, if your child is being bullied, don't wait for them to ask for help. Sometimes the first sign isn't them saying, "I'm being bullied." It's a change in who they are. So, maybe they aren't sleeping, they don't want to go to school, they're angry all the time, they've stopped doing things they love. I think we need to pay attention to those changes. Create a safe space for them to talk, and let them know that they don't have to handle it alone. Getting them connected to a counselor that's close to them will be really helpful. Letting them know that you are a safe person as their parent as well, and they can communicate these things to you, and helping them feel understood while still showing that you will collaborate with them and problem solve with them and help them through it.

Melanie Cole, MS: Great information. You're such a compassionate person. Sara, thank you so much for joining us today and really sharing your incredible expertise for parents. And for more information, you can always visit childrens.com/bullying. Thank you so much for listening to Children's Health Checkup. If you found this podcast helpful, please rate and review or share the episode, and please follow Children's Health on your social channels.