Melanie Cole, MS (Host): Welcome to Long Live Childhood, a pediatric health and wellness podcast presented by Rady Children's Health. I'm Melanie Cole. And as a parent of two kids in their 20s who still live here, I know that family stress goes on in every single family. And while we try to make a family house of calm and all of those things, that's not always the case. So, we're here today to talk about family stress and how, when they're little, all the way up until they're college age, we can keep the family unit cohesive, getting along.

And joining me is Dr. Sarah Gubara. She's a pediatric psychologist at Rady Children's Health in Orange County. Dr. Gubara, thank you so much for joining us. As we think about family stress, you and I have talked before about children's stress and recognizing the stress in our kiddos, whatever age they may be. But now, what if it's affecting the family, how do we know if we have one sibling and another sibling and their drama is starting to affect the spouse, the partners? Everybody's getting involved in that pervasive feeling, plus whatever's going on in the world sort of invades our little pods, our little units of calm. Tell us, how do we recognize family stress? What have you seen that's going on today?

Sarah Gubara, PhD: Thank you so much for having me, Melanie. When it comes to family stress, the most important thing is to create a safe space for open communication about feelings. That family stress could come from work pressure, financial conflict. But the most important thing is to start nurturing emotional intelligence in our child, and that begins with identifying emotions. The last thing we want is for a kid to have heightened sensitivity, to feel like they have to walk on eggshells. So, the first thing that we can do is to just address the stress.

Melanie Cole, MS: Wow! You really hit the nail on the head there. And also, the walking on eggshells goes both ways, especially if you've got teenagers and teenage girls, specifically walking on eggshells around them is quite the navigational feat for parents. So, signs that the family is experiencing stress, and I'm not really only talking about stressors that we can identify, Dr. Gubara, like the death of a loved one or big financial problems, something big. I'm talking about the ones that creep in to our daily lives and may not even be something that we recognize.

Sarah Gubara, PhD: Right. And sometimes the stressors aren't just the family conflict or work or finances. Sometimes it's transitions, right? A new baby at home, a new move, whatever it may be. Sometimes it's the little ones. But some of the common signs you want to look for are that heightened sensitivity we were talking about, that startle reflex. Is my kid a little bit more jumpy? Are they easily startled? How do I know how stress is impacting them?

And then, the good old acting out is the easiest way that we identify there's some stressors, more defiance, maybe a little bit more aggressive play that you're noticing as your child is playing with others; of course, tantrums or, in general, some clinginess, right? Needing more parent time. This is more common in younger kids. Regression, if there's a new baby, you might see some more baby talk or thumb-sucking emerging. And then, for our teens, it may be stepping into more of an adult role, right? So, some kids handle stress by trying to be Mr. Fix it.

Melanie Cole, MS: That's true. And we've seen that really over the years, and as you're saying that about little kids reverting back, especially when there's a new baby, which is such an exciting time in family's lives and such a happy time. But for that sibling that's worried that they're going to get pushed to second place, it can be stressful.

So, how can we address the family stress by looking at each of our children and our partners and ourselves and whatever else is going on? How can we look at that and develop these healthier routines that maybe help us all to be a little bit more resilient and weather these storms?

Sarah Gubara, PhD: Yes. So with the healthier routines, the one thing I want to highlight is that shared routines tend to be a little bit better. So when we want to build healthier routines and better communication habits, let's make sure that we share that, right? It's not just about the child or our kids. So if we're saying you need to eat this meal and sit down at the table with no screens, then as a parent, I have to model that. I want to be consistent with you. So if I'm stressed out, I want to model, "Okay, I'm feeling really stressed out. I'm going to go take a walk. Would you like to join me?" And so, maybe there's an after-dinner walk, an after-school walk, whatever it is, and these things can take 10 minutes, 10, 15 minutes is all that it takes. But once you build a stress buffering routine and you label it as such, that can be so, so pivotal for a child.

Melanie Cole, MS: What about family therapy, Dr. Gubara? When does that come into play? And a lot of families have even asked me over the years, is this something that really does help?

Sarah Gubara, PhD: Yeah. So, what the research shows us is just having what's called special time, just dedicated time between parent and child to just coexist, play, chat with each other without rules or instructions for 15 minutes, maybe twice a week can be really protective. So, yes, family therapy is great for guiding you through that. You want to build in stress outlets. So, family therapy is one option. Building in tech-free times or movement is another option. And then developing calming practices is also a fantastic stress outlet. So when you do family therapy, a therapist, a psychologist will guide you through those interventions. You don't want a one-size-fits-all strategy. You do want a professional that can help guide you for what your child is exhibiting and needing and what's appropriate at their developmental age.

Melanie Cole, MS: Wow. That's really great advice. And I'm glad you cleared that up for listeners, that family therapy can be whatever you want and it can really help to guide. And that's what it is, it's a tool that can help guide families to that better interaction and that calmer environment or ways to vocalize, because I think that sometimes children's frustration and the stress that comes out among the whole family is because that lack of communication makes it so people don't vocalize what's actually going on.

Sarah Gubara, PhD: Exactly.

Melanie Cole, MS: So, best advice here for family stress. When you are working with families and with kids, and obviously there's always going to be siblings and other people involved, what do you tell us so that we can all work on our own stressors so that we, especially us women, because if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of our loved ones?

Sarah Gubara, PhD: Yes. So, the easiest way to take care of our loved ones is to have balance and boundaries, protect downtime. Not every single thing needs to be scheduled, right? And then, you want to prioritize essentials. So, are there more important tasks that you need to prioritize? And are there lesser things that can be pushed down that to-do list? That's going to be really important, because if we're stressed out and we're trying to batch errands and chores and responsibilities, that keeps stress and tension really high in a home. You want to schedule breaks. You want to schedule forced family fun is what I like to call it. And forced family fun means, "Okay. I've noticed that there's a lot of stress and tension. We're just going to go and take the ball outside. We're going to go to the beach. We are going to do something to help us with stress buffering."

 And then, the other thing is you want to lean on support. So if it is that therapist, if it is a partner, or trusted friends or family, if it's your school counselor for your child, you want to make sure that you have built a social support network for your child that doesn't just consist of you. Because family stress, the effects of it can be seen at schools, can be seen at soccer practice, whatever it may be. So, you want to build a protective network for your child as well.

Melanie Cole, MS: That is really great advice. Thank you so much, Dr. Gubara, for joining us today and giving us some helpful tips for family stress. And we all love each other and we want to show each other that, but sometimes life stressors get in the way. So, thank you again, and thank you for tuning into Long Live Childhood, a pediatric health and wellness podcast brought to you by Rady Children's Health. Together, we can keep kids happy, healthy, and thriving. If you enjoyed today's episode, please consider downloading, subscribing, rating and reviewing Long Live Childhood on Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Spotify, or Pandora. Your support truly means a lot. I'm Melanie Cole. Thanks again.