Maggie McKay (Host): You raise your children from birth and then, they turn into teenagers. Entirely new territory. So how do you connect with your teen? Dr. Brian Burghardt, Physician, General Pediatrics, Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, University of Missouri Kansas City School of Medicine, and Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, University of Kansas School of Medicine, is here to give us some guidance. Welcome to the Parentish Podcast, where experts at Children's Mercy, Kansas City, talk about the little everyday things parents experience with their babies, teens, and in betweens. I'm Maggie McKay. Thank you so much for being here today, Dr. Burghardt.

Brian Burghardt, MD, FAAP: Thank you for having me.

Host: Let's just start with what are some ways to connect with your teen in a genuine way? Because I know as parents, we try so hard and sometimes we just need to keep it real.

Brian Burghardt, MD, FAAP: Yes. I think the best thing to do is to take a step back and just always remember that it's a normal part of adolescent development to seek independence. So as a parent, we shouldn't take it personally when teens seem to be keeping more to themselves or preferring to talk to their friends than their parents, as this can be totally normal.

However, we do want to continue that communication with our teens as it is important both for ourselves as parents, as well as for our teens and their development. It's equally important to recognize that it's not a free pass for teens to be disrespectful or violate parental rules, such as cursing or refusing to do what's asked of them.

But we still need to, to have a little bit of compassion for the teens when they're going through these changes. So I always recommend parents pick their battles. First, you do want to make sure that you recognize when it is a good time to talk to your teen. As parents, oftentimes the minute teens walk in the room from school or from an activity, that's when we want to ask them, how are things going? What did you do? Who are you with today? But sometimes teens need that extra time to process what they've been through that day. Maybe they've had a hard day at school, or maybe something bad happened to them that they're not ready to talk about yet. So, while it's okay to still ask those questions, I try to keep those questions to a minimum, especially if I'm seeing that they're not wanting to talk right at the moment.

Host: Right. And speaking of that, when your teen will not talk to you, which is so common, but it crushes you as a parent, how do you connect with them if they're just closed off?

Brian Burghardt, MD, FAAP: Yeah, so once again, it's, some teens are harder to communicate with than others, so it's important to remember that each teen is individual. You may have had an easy teen, to start with, and then your second or third teenager is harder to communicate with, and that can still be totally normal. It is also important that parents trust their instincts or their gut feelings, because there could also be something else going on, like the teen is being bullied, there could be depression or another mood disorder that's occurring. So is important that parents do continue to try to push their teens, to some extent and seek help when they feel like they've kind of hit a wall with their teenagers.

Host: And how can I respect my teen's boundaries and independence while still letting them know I'm there?

Brian Burghardt, MD, FAAP: Excellent question. One way to do that is make sure boundaries are set for the teenager, but also that you've communicated that with them. Trying to expect boundaries when they haven't been enforced in the past, is difficult when you're trying to all of a sudden start enforcing them.

So it's good to have an open conversation about what is expected. One easy boundary to set is dinnertime, for example. We do know that family dinnertime is important as a social activity, and that can be a boundary that's set where it's expected the family is at home for dinner, phones are down, we have a conversation.

The conversation doesn't have to be deep. The conversation could be just, hey, what's something funny that happened today, or are we gonna watch that show later? And it's also important that parents respect those boundaries as well. So even though you might be on an important phone call, you want to do your best to turn off the phone, put the phone down, and have the same expectations for yourself as you do for your teenager.

 Another important one is to remember that just because it's a convenient time for you to talk to your teenager, doesn't mean it's a convenient time for them. They may want to open up later in the evening when you're ready for bed, so you might be ignoring their signals that they're ready to talk, and that can be tricky, but you just have to be ever vigilant as a parent.

Host: That's such a good point, Dr. Burghardt, because I think a lot of parents are like, okay, get this off the list, get this off the list. We're so busy with so many things to do. And like you said, we don't even consider that maybe this isn't a good time to talk about this with them. I always say it's all about timing in general in life, but especially when it comes to your teen.

Timing is so important, so that's really good advice. And as a parent, how can I handle it if I feel brushed off by my teen? Because you know it's going to happen.

Brian Burghardt, MD, FAAP: So one thing is to try to meet them at their level. So what are they actually interested in? Many times as parents of teens, we don't know what they're actually interested in or enjoy doing. It can be particularly hard if they're in the room, on electronics a lot, things like that where we can't really interact with them.

So it's okay to ask to join them. Ask to see what they're playing. Ask about the video game that they're doing or the people that they're talking to. See if you can play along and even if it's ridiculous and they laugh at you, it can turn into a fun experience. So sometimes it is important for parents to get out of their comfort zone.

Maybe a teenager likes to do something outside the house or some other type of activity that parents don't have any experience with. Once again, ask them about that. Ask how you can participate with them. And even if they laugh or they brush you off, it still makes a mark on the teen that you tried.

Because I think as a parent, even if you're brushed off, know that the teen always thinks it's important that you tried.

Host: That's really good advice because as a parent, you don't think they even notice, right? Usually because you're not really getting the signs from them. So it's true. You've got to keep trying no matter what, even if it fails. I think. I don't know. Do you think that's right?

Brian Burghardt, MD, FAAP: Yes. And I definitely think it's okay to also push your teen out of their comfort zone. Sometimes they just don't feel as comfortable in social situations. But sometimes it's important to push them a little bit, you know, whether it's just take a walk outside, say, all right, phone's down, we're getting in the car, we're going to eat outside at the park today, just to do that. And once you push them a little bit out of their comfort zone, that can help them open up a little bit more as well.

Host: Yeah. And what are the most important tips you can give parents of teenagers to know?

Brian Burghardt, MD, FAAP: Well, one is never underestimate the impact of not enough sleep. Many times when we have a moody, closed off teen, a lot of it has to do with sleep hygiene and just getting back to the basics about setting rules that phones go in their charger case at a certain time of the night, you know, whether it's 8, 9 o'clock, that we try to minimize naps during the day or stay active during the day, things like that.

But probably the most important thing that I stress for all parents is to never give up. Because, like I said, sometimes teens just want you to be available, and even though they're going to do their thing, they're not going to listen to you, years later they will report that what you said did make an impact on them.

Host: Well, I love all this advice. This is so useful and helpful. I wish I had it when my son was a teenager, but I think that even, early twenties, you could still use some of these tips. So thank you so much.

Brian Burghardt, MD, FAAP: It's my pleasure.

Host: Again, that's Dr. Brian Burghardt. To find out more, please visit childrensmercy.org/parentish. That concludes this episode of the Parentish podcast. For more parenting tips and tricks, visit us at parentish.org, where we help you celebrate the craziness and challenges of parenthood.