Maggie McKay (Host): Welcome to the Parent-ish Podcast, where experts at Children's Mercy Kansas City talk about the little everyday things parents experience with their babies, teens, and in-betweens. I'm your host, Maggie McKay. Joining us today is pediatric psychologist, Dr. Jo Youngblood to talk about chores. Ah, chores, something most of us, young or old, are not a fan of, but they have to get done, right, Dr. Youngblood?

Dr Jo Youngblood: That is absolutely correct.

Host: Well, welcome. It's great to have you here. I can't wait to hear some great advice and tips on how to get our kids into doing chores and not making it such a big deal like it sometimes can be. So, what do "age-appropriate chores" really mean, and why do they matter more than just keeping the house clean?

Dr Jo Youngblood: I think age-appropriate chores is important because you want to make sure you're picking something that your child is capable of doing. The other thing is chores are a lot more than just getting things done around the house. I love chores because it teaches kids independence, it teaches them responsibility, they feel like they're contributing to the house. And ultimately, you're preparing them for the future because one day, they're going to have to be able to do these chores on their own without parents there.

Host: Right. I have some friends who started their little ones very early by making games out of like sweeping and using Windex and cleaning the windows. It's hilarious. And I have to say, they grew up to be very good cleaners and they have clean environments. But how can parents tell when their child is ready to start helping out? And what's a good first chore to try?

Dr Jo Youngblood: So, everybody develops at a different rate. And so, I like to sort of take the child's lead. And so, as early as two, when kids are able to walk around and be with you, involve them in what you're doing, even if it is as simple as you're unloading the washing machine and you're handing them the clothes and they're putting it in the dryer, because it will get them involved. You already have to be doing the chore. And so, you might as well have the child there with you to help them.

Host: That's a great idea. What are the most common mistakes parents make when introducing chores, and how can they course correct without guilt?

Dr Jo Youngblood: I think one of the most common mistakes parents make when teaching children is not teaching them they're supposed to do, just giving them the chore and turning them loose. Children learn by experience and watching parents. So, I like to first do the chore with the child, and then sort of describe everything that you're doing.

And then, you hand over little parts of that chore to the child so that they're doing it. And then, even after that, I like for parents to be present to kind of coach children and give them feedback on that, because they can't do it if they haven't been taught

Host: Absolutely. How do you balance teaching responsibility without turning chores into power struggles or punishments?

Dr Jo Youngblood: It's hard, but you can definitely do it. I like to make chores be part of your daily routine. So, everybody has routines. Children of all ages thrive on routine, consistency, and structure. So if chores can become part of that structure and routine, it will be beneficial.

And then, I like to tie chores to privileges that kids like. Young children really enjoy praise. When you get a little bit older, children are not quite as motivated. And you may have to tie chores to something like privileges. I know when my children were growing up, almost every chore had a time limit to it, and that could earn them a little bit of extra screen time, because that's what they wanted at that age.

Host: That's a good idea. We had a chart, a chore chart. How do you feel about those?

Dr Jo Youngblood: I love chore charts. I think they're great. They provide structure, they provide consistency. I like to rotate the chores around so that kids learn different things, especially if there are siblings involved. Some of my patients also really benefit from pictures. So, having a picture of the table on how you want the place mats or setting the table can really be helpful for young children that struggle with reading. Pictures are great.

Host: What actually motivates kids at different ages? Allowances, praise, routines, or something else entirely?

Dr Jo Youngblood: Or all of the above depending on the age of the child. I always involve praise. Verbal praise helps no matter what the age of the child is. And young children are motivated by different things. Every child is motivated by something a little bit different. So, what I tell parents is watch the child to see what the child gravitates to, and then use that as a reward or reinforcer.

So if it's a chore that you want done, you want to be that parent that says, "Yes, you can go outside to play as soon as the books are put back up on the shelf." So, you want to say yes, and then you can help that child get the books put back on the shelf. As children get older, they're going to want tangible things, and children want money. And so, rather than tying chores to screen time, you may want to give money. If children understand the concept of money, that can be very important as children grow up. Because sometimes they need money to buy things, and they have no concept of how much money it takes to buy a coffee.

Host: Yeah. For parents feeling late to the game, what's the easiest, least overwhelming way to get started today?

Dr Jo Youngblood: So, it's never too late. I like for parents to start small. You pick one small chore, and you do it with the child, so that they learn what your expectations are, how to do it. Especially if the child is older, you may even have an index card with all the steps of the chore done so that they know what to do.

And start small. Don't bite off more than you can chew, because you want the kids to be successful, and you don't want it to turn into a battle. So if you're adding one new expectation every week until you get to where you want to be, that's reasonable.

Host: So Dr. Youngblood, what if your child's like 20 and you really dropped the ball? I mean, you said it's never too late, but I think like at 20, how do you reverse course and get them to start helping if you didn't do such a great job the first time around?

Dr Jo Youngblood: Well, it's funny because I have a 21 and 22-year-old and they're home from college. And so, it's never too late. And you always find out on things that you could have done better, like even the laundry. So, your children may not sort the laundry quite the way you taught them. And so, just doing some coaching and doing it with them. So, my son was going to shove in a load of laundry and I said, "Well, let's divide that up." And so, we kind of did it together and that one load turned into three.

Older kids will understand the rationale. You don't want to wash reds with whites because those things may turn pink. Oh, that made sense to him. He doesn't want his white T-shirts to turn pink.

Host: Oh, that's so funny. Anything in closing that you'd like to impart that you think is useful regarding chores?

Dr Jo Youngblood: Yes. I think one thing that came to my attention, especially for people that are perfectionists, it's not necessary if your child is helping you do laundry per se and they're folding hand towels and they don't fold them exactly the same way, you don't have to refold them. So, parents sometimes have to let go of perfection and just let the kids be successful and meet them where they're at.

Host: Great advice. Thank you so much. This has been so informative and helpful. We really appreciate you sharing your expertise.

Dr Jo Youngblood: Thank you for having me.

Host: Absolutely. Again, that's Dr. Jo Youngblood. For more information, please visit childrensmercy.org/parentish. That concludes this episode of the Parent-ish Podcast. For more parenting tips and tricks, visit us at parentish.org, where we help you celebrate the craziness and challenges of parenthood.