Transcription:

Melanie Cole (Host):  Experiencing the loss of a pregnancy, infant, or child brings unimaginable pain and grief, and it can make you feel alone and lost.  Here to help us with that is Laura Lackey.  She’s the bereavement coordinator at Deaconess The Women’s Hospital.  Laura, I’m so glad to have you with us to talk about this painful, unimaginable topic, but I think that it’s really important that we do discuss it because there are couples out there suffering right now.  Tell us a little bit about the bereavement program at The Women’s Hospital. 

Laura Lackey BSN, RNC-OB, CPLC (Guest):  Well, thank you for allowing me to talk with you today.  It is a difficult time for our families, and at The Women’s Hospital, we feel it’s very important that we honor each miscarriage, each ectopic pregnancy, every stillbirth, every newborn death, and I work alongside of a partner, Kelsie Tarter and together we work to provide support throughout the year, and especially at the holidays.  We have different services available, support groups.  We have candle lighting ceremonies for our families during the holiday season if they’d like to participate.  During the year, we have walks to remember, and we follow up with each and every family that comes through our hospital. 

Host:  Tell us a little bit about what education and background you have to help families deal with this type of loss.

Laura:  Well, I am a registered nurse—a labor and delivery nurse.  So, I care for these families hands-on, and then I also have my certification in perinatal loss.  This training comes through—it’s called an organization that is called Resolve Through Sharing.  It’s kind of the gold standard for hospitals when dealing with families with losses.

Host:  Laura, as you’re helping these couples in their sadness, do men and women grieve differently?  Are you noticing a difference?   

Laura:  From my experience, I and what others observed, I do see that men and women generally grieve differently.  Men generally want to be this strong and take care of their wives, and women want to talk and want to express their grief and their sadness, and what I try to tell our families is that there’s no right, and there’s no wrong way to grieve.  You need to give your spouse; you need to give your partner, your mate, whoever; you need them the time and the space to grieve in their own way because, like I said, there is no right or no wrong way to grieve.    

Host:  Well, that’s certainly true, and it’s such a good point.  So now as we come up on the holidays, what advice would you give someone who’s experienced such a profound loss and is now facing the holidays? 

Laura:  Well, as you know, and I know, the holidays are stressful under any circumstances, and if you’ve experienced the loss close to the holiday or this may be your first holiday since you’ve had your loss, my advice is to go slow and to take care of you.  Grief is very messy, and it comes with a mix of emotions.  You might feel good one day and bad the next.  There’s several emotions that you might feel at the same time.  You may feel happy.  You may feel sad.  You get angry or mad, and those are all normal emotions that you can feel.  I have had individuals tell me they feel like they’re going crazy with the different emotions, and what I’d like to say is that you’re not.  That’s just part of the normal grieving process.  One thing I would like to mention, though, is if you do feel like your emotions are out of control—you’re overwhelmed; you can’t go on; your family feels that they’re concerned for you—that you would reach out to professionals for help—that you would reach out to your doctor or to a therapist because this is something to be taken very seriously.  

Host:  Well, it certainly is, and that’s really good advice.  So, tell us about the support services that are available through The Women’s Hospital.

Laura:  Well, we have a support group that meets the second Tuesday.  Actually, we have two support groups.  They meet the second Tuesday of each month.  The first support group is called PALS, P-A-L-S.  It’s for women that are experiencing a pregnancy after they’ve experienced a loss and many times there’s a lot of anxiety and emotions that come along with a pregnancy after a loss.  So, it’s a time for these new moms to get together and to talk and to share their experiences.  The other group that we have that also meets on this Tuesday is for anyone that’s experienced a loss.  It could be an ectopic pregnancy.  It could be a stillbirth, and they come together.  It’s a very relaxed setting, and we really just facilitate the program.  We don’t have a topic that we normally discuss, and we just have everyone share their emotions—what they’re going through, what’s helping them during their grief process; because we find as you share your story that helps you heal, and you’re also helping someone else heal.  

Host:  Well, that certainly is so important.  So, tell us a little bit about other people in the family because it’s not just the couple that is experiencing this.  Maybe there’s a sibling.  Maybe there’s an aunt or someone else—a grandparent.  So how do the couple help the other members of the family while they’re not trying to blame themselves.  I mean there’s so many emotions.  How can the other members of the family get some help as well?

Laura:  Well, when our families are here, we actually encourage (6:12) our staff to talk with families.  Our staff has training also.  We provide literature and support for grandparents and siblings, and we provide special little booklets that are maybe on the children’s level that can help.  The families can read to the children and kind of bring it down to their level what they’re experiencing.  What I have found is that families and children are going to feed off of the mom and dad or the mom and her partner’s feelings also.  So, if we can work closely with them and then that’s going to help them as they deal with their extended families because right now, they’re trying to deal with themselves, and it is difficult.

Host:  Well, it’s so difficult, and Laura, as someone whose dear friend recently lost a child, this is very personal for me.  I’d like to know what you think about how the person who is grieving can take care of themselves as they grieve because it seems like it would be easy to sink into despair; to, you know, look to substances to help.  What do you want them to know about the importance of self-care at this time?

Laura:  Self-care is very, very important.  Grief takes its toll both physically and emotionally.  So, this is a time that you want to focus on you.  You want to eat healthy.  You may want to take a brisk walk, get involved in some kind of exercise.  You may like yoga, acupuncture, a massage, write in a journal, talk to a trusted friend.  One thing I would advise not to do is alcohol.  It’s a depressant.  So, I would go easy on the alcohol, and another thing that most of my gals have told me is to stay off social media—to stay away from Facebook because, as we know, everybody posts the best things that are going on in their life right now, and sometimes that is hard when you’re having such a difficult time.  So, maybe just unplug and you can always get involved later on if you want to, but for now, I would stay away.  

Host:  Well, that’s great advice, and as we wrap up, what do you want listeners to know about if they have experienced this or someone they love has experienced this?  You never know what to say to people, and you don’t know how to help someone who has just lost a child or a pregnancy, and maybe things that they can do to remember their baby.  Do you talk about it with them?  Do you mention the baby and the name that they gave it?  You know, wrap it up for us with your best advice on the people that they love, how we can help somebody who’s going through this.

Laura:  I think what you said is so true.  It is—that’s probably the number one question I still get from staff.  We don’t know what to say.  I don’t know what to say to these families.  It’s a very difficult time, and it’s—there are no perfect words, but what I’ve heard from my families is they want their baby to be remembered.  They want their name said.  They want something, you know, to know that they’re not going to be forgotten.  So, my advice at the holidays would be that they kind of think outside the box.  Do something to remember their baby.  Maybe hang a stocking, light a candle.  There’s just a variety of things that you can do.  You could get involved in a charity or some organization that involves children in honor of the baby, but I think the other thing, you know, we think about the holidays can be depressing, but I want families to remember that this is a difficult time, but there are going to be other holidays, and they will get easier.  Your emotions will change.  Not that you’re going to forget because you never will forget, and I want them to know that they will survive.  It’s difficult now, and grief and the process of grieving is hard work, but they will survive, and they will find joy.  They will find love and peace again.  Their holidays will be different because their forever changed with this loss, but that’s okay.  They’re going to come out stronger, and, you know, there’s lots of people, lots of families, lots of staff here that are willing to support if they want to call—anything we can do to help them through these difficult times.

Host:  Beautifully said.  Thank you so much, Laura.  If you’re in need of a support group following your loss, please visit deaconess.com/calendar and search support groups for more information.  That concludes this episode of The Woman’s Hospital, a place for all your life.  Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast and all the other Deaconess Women’s Hospital podcasts.  For more health tips and updates on the latest medical advancements and breakthroughs, please follow us your social channels.  Until next time, I’m Melanie Cole.