Selected Podcast
How I Overcame a Loss
Todd Schimmel explores what it's like to experience the loss of a child and how he navigated his way through his own grief.
Transcription:
Deborah Howell: Well, we've all experienced losses in our lives. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to cope with and recover from. Today, we'll explore what it's like to experience the loss of a child from one who's lived through it.
This is the podcast series from Deaconess, The Women's Hospital, a place for all your life. I'm Deborah Howell. And our guest today is Todd Schimmell, a father and husband. Welcome, Todd. So nice to have you with us.
Todd Schimmell: Thank you. Happy to be here.
Deborah Howell: So, can you tell us a little bit about your family and about Theo's short life?
Todd Schimmell: Yes. My wife and I have four beautiful children. One rainbow baby. And in 2017, we were pregnant with our fourth child. And when we went to find out the sex, we found out that the fluid was low and there may be some issues. So what was supposed to be a really exciting, really happy moment, turned very concerning, very troubling. And later, we found out that Theo had what's called Potter syndrome, so his kidneys didn't develop. And from there, we've prayed as a family, a lot of tears. But we decided that we wanted to still give him any chance he had. So my wife bravely carried him all the way to term, and got 45 amazing minutes with him.
Deborah Howell: That's just-- I mean, the heart is full just hearing that. And how do you continue to honor and remember Theo?
Todd Schimmell: We like to celebrate his birthday every year. He just celebrated his third birthday. We get cake, we get balloons. And then each kid gets a balloon and they get to send it up to heaven to Theo.
Deborah Howell: I can't think of anything more gorgeous. You know, so many times relationships are shattered with the loss of a child. How have you and Kirsten grown closer during this most difficult time?
Todd Schimmell: We were told there's going to be a lot of difficulty and a lot of stress on the marriage, but going through something like that and watching Kirsten's fight and fight to give me time, because she's she has Theo growing inside of her, so she gets to experience all this time with him. And her giving me those 45 minutes and just watching her grow too, there was no other choice, but then to grow together and not grow apart.
Deborah Howell: That's just so touching. So you're in a position to give some advice. What advice do you have for the friends and family who are trying to be supportive to a couple who've experienced the loss of a baby or even just a pregnancy?
Todd Schimmell: There's absolutely nothing that can be said to take the pain away, and understanding that just be there. Every message that we got, I appreciated every single one of them. Someone's there ready when we're ready. Any advice, even someone who's gone through it, it still didn't help. Just them being there is what helped.
Deborah Howell: So Todd, let me ask you this. Is it normal not to want to be around family and friends that have children and babies?
Todd Schimmell: That was something that was difficult for my wife. It wasn't necessarily difficult for me, but she struggled with that for quite some time. And also not wanting to be around family, just in general. I had to keep letting her mom know, letting my parents know that she's okay. She was okay at home. She was okay talking to me, talking to the kids, but she did not want anything to do with kind of the outside world for several months. And, you know, only I knew that everything was going to be okay. She was going through her journey through all this. So I guess it just depends on the person to be honest.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. And I think that women and men sometimes grieve differently, is that correct?
Todd Schimmell: Again, I can only speak from experience. I know with what we went through, I closed off and it took me maybe about a year to really grieve properly. And I feel like even now four years later, I'm just now starting to kind of get back to me as far as what my normal emotions would have been prior to this. Kirsten felt it right away. And then, maybe I felt like I had to be strong, so I kind of, I guess, put on the brave face and did the best I could. Probably did a little more damage to myself not speaking to someone right away and holding it all in.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. There's a new phrase going around, "It's okay to not be okay." What do you react to that?
Todd Schimmell: I am 100% on board with that. I'm in law enforcement. I'm a sheriff's deputy and I'm a big advocate for mental health. I write poetry about mental health. I talk to kids about this all the time. And I want to kick that stigma as well. I talk to people. I'm on medication. These are things that I need right now because I may always be recovering and that's okay.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. So did you start writing after the loss of Theo?
Todd Schimmell: I have always loved writing and I always thought, for me, I would attempt the great American novel and I'd get like maybe 18 to 20 pages in and then kind of lose interest. I kind of realized like I'm more of a poet, short story, children's stories. But I really didn't want to do it, you know, seriously like I am now. And I was driving in my police car and a poem came across my mind, that me and my dad worked on together maybe 10 years even prior. And I ended up finishing that story and I kind of got the itch or the bug to try to actually really pursue this.
For me, I think that's all because of Theo's life. Those forty-five minutes were so impactful. They were everything to me. They changed my life, changed my perspective and changed me as a human being. And I know that I need to go after what I want. I need to chase dreams. I know life's short, life's precious. And it was just time to actually pursue this and go for it. And I think I got the courage from my son. I know I did. I got the courage from my son.
Deborah Howell: And are these books available or are they just private for you?
Todd Schimmell: They are available. They're all available on Amazon. I just finished my sixth book and it's called Smile And Soul. And I'm in love with it, but I guess I'm the author. So I've also illustrated this book as well. It has a very Shel Silverstein vibe to what I do, a lot of positive writing, a lot of silly. But my message in almost all my work, I write to teens or write to adults, I write to small children and you know, of all ages, family of all ages. You know, the main theme for me is positivity and empathy. That's my favorite word.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. So in your mind, is there a timeframe for healing from a loss? And also, how does someone know when it's time to seek professional help?
Todd Schimmell: I would say there's no timeframe on that. And if you try to put a timeframe on yourself, you're probably going to add more stress to yourself as well. For me, knowing it was time to get professional help is I knew I wasn't me. I wasn't feeling right. I've always got a smile on my face. I'm always laughing. I'm always joking. And that just wasn't there. There was also, I guess I call it like a void. There was a feeling that I didn't want to feel. And I knew that was wrong. And, you know, I love life, I love my family. That feeling just wasn't who I am. So knowing that, I knew I needed to get some help.
Deborah Howell: On top of a huge loss, we now have added a pandemic into the mix. And how has COVID added to grief and impacted families who've lost a baby or pregnancy?
Todd Schimmell: Not having the support system around and dealing with uncertainty only adds to the stress. I know my mental health, which I've worked on, you know, a lot, went down a lot over this last year, too. I think just now over the last couple of weeks, I'm starting to feel better, because I've been getting the right amount of sleep, I'm taking the right vitamins, I'm talking to people. We've adjusted medication. So I can't imagine the stress that people are going through while they're going through this and a pandemic.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. Yeah. So if you had something to say to Theo right now that he could hear, what would you say?
Todd Schimmell: Oh, he can hear everything. I talk to him daily. He's my last thought. I could not bear the thought of burying him, my wife as well, so we had him cremated. I had some of his ashes put in a ring. I sleep with that ring every single night. And one of the last things I say before I go to bed is, you know, "Thank you for sticking around. Thank you for watching over me and let's go change the world."
Deborah Howell: I love it.
Todd Schimmell: He's my best friend and he always will be.
Deborah Howell: Unbelievable. Anything else you'd like to add Todd, before we let you get back to your husbandly duties and your fatherly duties?
Todd Schimmell: All my books are available on Amazon, but I also have a website, authortodd.com. And I know my web guy would be so upset if I didn't at least mention that to you guys.
Deborah Howell: That's authortodd.com.
Todd Schimmell: Yes. And then, the main thing that helped me through this whole thing was seeing the good in the people around me, seeing the support for my wife, seeing the support for me. So taking a really horrible situation, the worst months of our lives and choosing to see good, choosing to see people loving us, trying to take care of us, trying to make us feel better. For me, that was the only way to take this battle on was to look at it from that perspective. There was times when I cursed God as anyone else would. I feel horrible about it now, but I know He knows. But that, choosing where God has placed the good in my life is what helped me and my wife get through this and not focusing on the bad things that were happening.
His life was 45 minutes. His life was impactful. It changed my life. It's changed a lot of people's lives in our community, because we like to share our story because it's one we're sharing. The doctor said that when he was born, Dr. Ramsey said, "You know, I think he's passed." So my wife did this incredible battle and we weren't going to get those moments with him. And then she laid Theo on Kirsten's chest and then they checked for a pulse and then Theo shrugged off the doctor. And it was the coolest moment.
Deborah Howell: Oh, wow.
Todd Schimmell: I said, "He's here. Here we go." So we took those 45 minutes and they were everything. They said he would struggle or there was a chance he would struggle, because his lungs weren't developed and that was what eventually was going to lead to his death. But he took a little breath, you know, every 90 seconds or so. He didn't have a struggle on his face. It was amazing. Absolutely amazing.
Also too, I have to share this too. Right when we knew that he had passed, I looked at my wife and said, "Okay. He's gone." It was just me and her in the room. The lights went down, the lights went back up, which I thought was so cool. And it was just me and her. Things like that happen and you're by yourself and you shrug them off and you're like, "Oh, it's this or that." But that happened. That was a moment that her and I shared and I felt like that was just a little wink for Theo saying I'm okay.
Wow. I'm supposed to be the big strong radio host here and podcast host, but you really got to me, Todd, and your bravery is just outstanding as is your wife's. I will let you get back to Kirsten and your other little ones, and just thank you for sharing your story with us and taking us inside your world. It was so touching and so inspiring.
Deborah Howell: Well, thank you very much. Any chance I get to talk about Theo, I'm going to be there, so thank you so much.
Todd Schimmell: All right. And that wraps up this episode of the podcast series from Deaconess The Women's Hospital, a place for all your life. To schedule an appointment, please head on over to deaconess.com/twh for more information, and to get connected with one of our providers. Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast and all the other Deaconess Women's Hospital podcasts. And for more health tips and updates, follow us on your social channels. I'm Deborah Howell. Thanks for listening and have yourself a great day.
Deborah Howell: Well, we've all experienced losses in our lives. Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to cope with and recover from. Today, we'll explore what it's like to experience the loss of a child from one who's lived through it.
This is the podcast series from Deaconess, The Women's Hospital, a place for all your life. I'm Deborah Howell. And our guest today is Todd Schimmell, a father and husband. Welcome, Todd. So nice to have you with us.
Todd Schimmell: Thank you. Happy to be here.
Deborah Howell: So, can you tell us a little bit about your family and about Theo's short life?
Todd Schimmell: Yes. My wife and I have four beautiful children. One rainbow baby. And in 2017, we were pregnant with our fourth child. And when we went to find out the sex, we found out that the fluid was low and there may be some issues. So what was supposed to be a really exciting, really happy moment, turned very concerning, very troubling. And later, we found out that Theo had what's called Potter syndrome, so his kidneys didn't develop. And from there, we've prayed as a family, a lot of tears. But we decided that we wanted to still give him any chance he had. So my wife bravely carried him all the way to term, and got 45 amazing minutes with him.
Deborah Howell: That's just-- I mean, the heart is full just hearing that. And how do you continue to honor and remember Theo?
Todd Schimmell: We like to celebrate his birthday every year. He just celebrated his third birthday. We get cake, we get balloons. And then each kid gets a balloon and they get to send it up to heaven to Theo.
Deborah Howell: I can't think of anything more gorgeous. You know, so many times relationships are shattered with the loss of a child. How have you and Kirsten grown closer during this most difficult time?
Todd Schimmell: We were told there's going to be a lot of difficulty and a lot of stress on the marriage, but going through something like that and watching Kirsten's fight and fight to give me time, because she's she has Theo growing inside of her, so she gets to experience all this time with him. And her giving me those 45 minutes and just watching her grow too, there was no other choice, but then to grow together and not grow apart.
Deborah Howell: That's just so touching. So you're in a position to give some advice. What advice do you have for the friends and family who are trying to be supportive to a couple who've experienced the loss of a baby or even just a pregnancy?
Todd Schimmell: There's absolutely nothing that can be said to take the pain away, and understanding that just be there. Every message that we got, I appreciated every single one of them. Someone's there ready when we're ready. Any advice, even someone who's gone through it, it still didn't help. Just them being there is what helped.
Deborah Howell: So Todd, let me ask you this. Is it normal not to want to be around family and friends that have children and babies?
Todd Schimmell: That was something that was difficult for my wife. It wasn't necessarily difficult for me, but she struggled with that for quite some time. And also not wanting to be around family, just in general. I had to keep letting her mom know, letting my parents know that she's okay. She was okay at home. She was okay talking to me, talking to the kids, but she did not want anything to do with kind of the outside world for several months. And, you know, only I knew that everything was going to be okay. She was going through her journey through all this. So I guess it just depends on the person to be honest.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. And I think that women and men sometimes grieve differently, is that correct?
Todd Schimmell: Again, I can only speak from experience. I know with what we went through, I closed off and it took me maybe about a year to really grieve properly. And I feel like even now four years later, I'm just now starting to kind of get back to me as far as what my normal emotions would have been prior to this. Kirsten felt it right away. And then, maybe I felt like I had to be strong, so I kind of, I guess, put on the brave face and did the best I could. Probably did a little more damage to myself not speaking to someone right away and holding it all in.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. There's a new phrase going around, "It's okay to not be okay." What do you react to that?
Todd Schimmell: I am 100% on board with that. I'm in law enforcement. I'm a sheriff's deputy and I'm a big advocate for mental health. I write poetry about mental health. I talk to kids about this all the time. And I want to kick that stigma as well. I talk to people. I'm on medication. These are things that I need right now because I may always be recovering and that's okay.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. So did you start writing after the loss of Theo?
Todd Schimmell: I have always loved writing and I always thought, for me, I would attempt the great American novel and I'd get like maybe 18 to 20 pages in and then kind of lose interest. I kind of realized like I'm more of a poet, short story, children's stories. But I really didn't want to do it, you know, seriously like I am now. And I was driving in my police car and a poem came across my mind, that me and my dad worked on together maybe 10 years even prior. And I ended up finishing that story and I kind of got the itch or the bug to try to actually really pursue this.
For me, I think that's all because of Theo's life. Those forty-five minutes were so impactful. They were everything to me. They changed my life, changed my perspective and changed me as a human being. And I know that I need to go after what I want. I need to chase dreams. I know life's short, life's precious. And it was just time to actually pursue this and go for it. And I think I got the courage from my son. I know I did. I got the courage from my son.
Deborah Howell: And are these books available or are they just private for you?
Todd Schimmell: They are available. They're all available on Amazon. I just finished my sixth book and it's called Smile And Soul. And I'm in love with it, but I guess I'm the author. So I've also illustrated this book as well. It has a very Shel Silverstein vibe to what I do, a lot of positive writing, a lot of silly. But my message in almost all my work, I write to teens or write to adults, I write to small children and you know, of all ages, family of all ages. You know, the main theme for me is positivity and empathy. That's my favorite word.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. So in your mind, is there a timeframe for healing from a loss? And also, how does someone know when it's time to seek professional help?
Todd Schimmell: I would say there's no timeframe on that. And if you try to put a timeframe on yourself, you're probably going to add more stress to yourself as well. For me, knowing it was time to get professional help is I knew I wasn't me. I wasn't feeling right. I've always got a smile on my face. I'm always laughing. I'm always joking. And that just wasn't there. There was also, I guess I call it like a void. There was a feeling that I didn't want to feel. And I knew that was wrong. And, you know, I love life, I love my family. That feeling just wasn't who I am. So knowing that, I knew I needed to get some help.
Deborah Howell: On top of a huge loss, we now have added a pandemic into the mix. And how has COVID added to grief and impacted families who've lost a baby or pregnancy?
Todd Schimmell: Not having the support system around and dealing with uncertainty only adds to the stress. I know my mental health, which I've worked on, you know, a lot, went down a lot over this last year, too. I think just now over the last couple of weeks, I'm starting to feel better, because I've been getting the right amount of sleep, I'm taking the right vitamins, I'm talking to people. We've adjusted medication. So I can't imagine the stress that people are going through while they're going through this and a pandemic.
Deborah Howell: Yeah. Yeah. So if you had something to say to Theo right now that he could hear, what would you say?
Todd Schimmell: Oh, he can hear everything. I talk to him daily. He's my last thought. I could not bear the thought of burying him, my wife as well, so we had him cremated. I had some of his ashes put in a ring. I sleep with that ring every single night. And one of the last things I say before I go to bed is, you know, "Thank you for sticking around. Thank you for watching over me and let's go change the world."
Deborah Howell: I love it.
Todd Schimmell: He's my best friend and he always will be.
Deborah Howell: Unbelievable. Anything else you'd like to add Todd, before we let you get back to your husbandly duties and your fatherly duties?
Todd Schimmell: All my books are available on Amazon, but I also have a website, authortodd.com. And I know my web guy would be so upset if I didn't at least mention that to you guys.
Deborah Howell: That's authortodd.com.
Todd Schimmell: Yes. And then, the main thing that helped me through this whole thing was seeing the good in the people around me, seeing the support for my wife, seeing the support for me. So taking a really horrible situation, the worst months of our lives and choosing to see good, choosing to see people loving us, trying to take care of us, trying to make us feel better. For me, that was the only way to take this battle on was to look at it from that perspective. There was times when I cursed God as anyone else would. I feel horrible about it now, but I know He knows. But that, choosing where God has placed the good in my life is what helped me and my wife get through this and not focusing on the bad things that were happening.
His life was 45 minutes. His life was impactful. It changed my life. It's changed a lot of people's lives in our community, because we like to share our story because it's one we're sharing. The doctor said that when he was born, Dr. Ramsey said, "You know, I think he's passed." So my wife did this incredible battle and we weren't going to get those moments with him. And then she laid Theo on Kirsten's chest and then they checked for a pulse and then Theo shrugged off the doctor. And it was the coolest moment.
Deborah Howell: Oh, wow.
Todd Schimmell: I said, "He's here. Here we go." So we took those 45 minutes and they were everything. They said he would struggle or there was a chance he would struggle, because his lungs weren't developed and that was what eventually was going to lead to his death. But he took a little breath, you know, every 90 seconds or so. He didn't have a struggle on his face. It was amazing. Absolutely amazing.
Also too, I have to share this too. Right when we knew that he had passed, I looked at my wife and said, "Okay. He's gone." It was just me and her in the room. The lights went down, the lights went back up, which I thought was so cool. And it was just me and her. Things like that happen and you're by yourself and you shrug them off and you're like, "Oh, it's this or that." But that happened. That was a moment that her and I shared and I felt like that was just a little wink for Theo saying I'm okay.
Wow. I'm supposed to be the big strong radio host here and podcast host, but you really got to me, Todd, and your bravery is just outstanding as is your wife's. I will let you get back to Kirsten and your other little ones, and just thank you for sharing your story with us and taking us inside your world. It was so touching and so inspiring.
Deborah Howell: Well, thank you very much. Any chance I get to talk about Theo, I'm going to be there, so thank you so much.
Todd Schimmell: All right. And that wraps up this episode of the podcast series from Deaconess The Women's Hospital, a place for all your life. To schedule an appointment, please head on over to deaconess.com/twh for more information, and to get connected with one of our providers. Please remember to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast and all the other Deaconess Women's Hospital podcasts. And for more health tips and updates, follow us on your social channels. I'm Deborah Howell. Thanks for listening and have yourself a great day.