Transcription:
Domestic Violence: Warning Signs and Ways to Help

Deborah Howell (Host): Domestic violence comes in many forms and oftentimes out of the blue. Today, let's find out about any warning signs and ways to help those suffering from domestic abuse with our guest Jacquelin Apsler. Jacquelin is the Executive Director of the Domestic Violence Services Network, which partners with Emerson Hospital to support those who may be experiencing domestic violence.

This is Health Works Here. The podcast from Emerson Hospital and I'm Deborah Howell. Welcome Jacquelin.

Jacquelin Apsler (Guest): Well, welcome to you too. Thank you for having me on today. I'm really pleased to be here. 

Host: We're very happy to have you and honored. So really, what is domestic violence? Is it always women who are impacted or can anyone be affected?

Jacquelin: Anyone could be affected. It truly is a situation of power and control where one person exerts a power over another in order to be able to control just about every decision there is within that couple or family or situation. Women are clearly the most effected. Those are the ones that we see the most often. Easily, 85 to 90% of our clients are women.

And that's true across the board. But men can be impacted as well. You can have men who are actually being abused in same-sex relationships. They are abused sometimes by their own female partners. Or they may be elders who are being abused by adult children or caretakers. So, it really is across the board and it's a very difficult problem to reach out for help for, because it's so shaming and so incredibly private so that women don't report enough. And you can imagine how much more difficult it is even for men, which is part of the reason why we don't see much.

Host: Of course. And are there any warning signs?

Jacquelin: Well, you know, it's, again, it's a very private experience. So, the people who are victimized by it are very shamed by the experience. They don't want anybody to know about it. They often think that they are alone and isolated and it's only happening to them. And somehow it's their fault, that they are responsible for this and can make it different or better or improve it if they just change some kind of behavior. So, you're not going to see very clear signs. You're not going to necessarily see bruises and broken bones, which is what people associate with domestic violence. It's that psychological and emotional torture that's really difficult to assess or even to recognize.

But if you have a friend who's becoming more distracted, if she or he is missing meetings with you or postponing meetings with you, are they feeling, you know, nervous and anxious? Are they really looking at their watch a lot, or their phone? Or they jump or get very anxious when in fact, you know, the phone rings or they get a text or are they being texted constantly? Are they feeling watched? I mean, they're just subtle ways in which you're seeing some change in your friend, primarily, you may not even be seeing your friend or your loved one or your family member as much as you used to because the isolation is happening by the abusive partner.

Host: And you mentioned psychological aspects. So it's not always physical, right?

Jacquelin: Not at all. In fact, the psychological is far more difficult to heal from, and that is exactly what our clients will tell us who have suffered from both physical and psychological or emotional abuse. The bones will heal. The bruises will heal. But it's that psychological, the denigration, the humiliation, the constant belittling. It's the gas lighting and the manipulation and the lying, that you just, you lose trust in that person, but you also start to lose yourself, your sense of self-worth diminishes, your sense of agency and being able to make a decision, you're constantly criticized. That kind of abuse is incredibly debilitating.

And on top of that, almost all of our victims or our clients have financial abuse. So they lose some level of ability to be able to take care of themselves or make some changes in their lives, or even have any agency over almost everything that they're required to do. So, it's a very subtle, powerful situation when you have an abusive partner who uses that kind of emotional abuse, which is consistent and constant.

Host: And cruel. Hmm. How can I help someone if I think they may be experiencing domestic violence?

Jacquelin: It's difficult, but easy. And that's the funny part because it's very simple, but it's difficult to implement the very simple ways in which you can be helpful. Being very calm with your loved one friend, family member. Finding them, or being able to spend time with them in a quiet place, a private spot where you can maybe start to ask the question, you know, how are things, you know, maybe I'm a little concerned about what I'm seeing in terms of, you know, you seem nervous or you seem, you know, uncomfortable, you know, is there something I can do to help, but, and then being comfortable with silence, letting them maybe start their answer in that conversation. Because it's very difficult, as I said, people are very shamed by this. They do not want to talk about it. They really feel responsible like it's their fault. So, they're not going to want to share that information unless they feel very comfortable and can trust the person they're with, which comes about by not blaming that person, listening without judgement. And even more important for us is not going to try to fix it for them. 

Host: Jacquelin, what if I suspect someone I know is experiencing violence? Should I ask them if they are and what's that conversation like?

Jacquelin: Well, it's as I was saying, try to ask them not so much about violence, not labeling it violence, not labeling the person a victim, definitely not demeaning the partner or the abusive partner. And trying not to again, come up with solutions that you expect your friend to follow because in fact, they really need to be able to make their own decisions.

That's the power that's been taken away from them. Power is really all about being able to make decisions and follow through on them. And these people in these situations have had that completely stripped from them. So, if you can just listen without judgement, without blaming them or the abusive partner, looking at the unhealthy behaviors and how it makes them feel, have them start talk about that a little bit and then affirming them in ways that are authentic and really feel right.

You know, why you enjoy being with that person, why you think that person is actually, you know, showing some strengths in terms of how they take care of their kids or the home or whatever it is they do well. So, it's an authentic affirmation that gives them a sense of, you know, that they feel good for that moment about themselves.

Host: Without making suggestions, that's gotta be hard for a lot of people.

Jacquelin: That is almost the hardest thing we do. We work a lot with our volunteer advocates in our, particular program and the hardest thing to teach people to do next to also not judging and blaming, is truly to not try to fix it. Are we not reared as friends to do something for your friend to fix it for them, to give them solutions?

I mean, that's how we're trained to be with our people we care about. And in fact that's the really, the hardest thing not to do with these people. It's not the best thing. You start taking over the role of the abusive partner, who's making all the decisions for that person, telling them what to do and expecting them to carry it out. And that's not the role you want to play. 

Host: Sure. That's one more thing. One more person they have to answer to. Okay. Got it. What are some resources in the community that can help?

Jacquelin: There are certainly a number of online resources. There's the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, ncadv.org. And there's a locally in Massachusetts, there's a Janedoe.org.

Joinonelove.org. And there are certainly our website DVSN.org. But the important thing is wherever you get your information is that you do educate yourself so you have a good idea of what these dynamics are. For people who don't experience domestic violence, but want to be helpful, it's very difficult to understand the manipulation and all the tactics and strategies used by the abusive partner.

You just don't believe that people do that. And in fact, they do. So, learn about that. Learn about the impact of that. Learn about the impact on children, because often our clients will have trouble protecting or understanding where they are in this situation, but when they start to learn or understand how the impact on their children who are witnessing this tension in the home and abuse in the home, or maybe even identifying with it, they really, it kind of galvanizes them sometimes to really those hard decisions. One of the more important things that you really should not be telling your friend is to get out of the situation. And the reason why I'm saying that is first of all, they have to be ready to do that. And there's a lot of preparation and safety planning that goes into getting ready to challenge an abuser or to leave an abuser.

And secondly, the most important thing, it's the most dangerous time in the relationship when you challenge that abusive partner, or you tell that abusive partner that you're going to be leaving the situation. That's when they very likely will ramp up their abuse and abuse always escalates anyway. But if you're now challenging that person, they're ramping up that abuse and they may actually get to the point of lethality. In Massachusetts alone, when we look back on the number of people who are murdered every year.

And in fact, nationally three women a day are killed by their partner. So, when we look at Massachusetts and we look back on those cases, you would see just by my count alone, a good two-thirds of them are people who have already either left their partner, divorced their partner, living separately from their partner, have threatened to leave or are thinking about it in ways that the partner is aware of.

So that again, I can't stress enough. It's very dangerous. So, as much as you want your friend to leave that situation, which is important, if they could do that, don't tell them to do that until they have all their ducks in order. And until they are truly ready to take on that risk.

Host: You said something that shocks me. You said it always ramps up. 

Jacquelin: Always. 

Host: Wow. So, recent news about the pandemic increasing domestic violence rates is really concerning, of course. What gives you hope in the work you do each day to help those experiencing domestic violence?

Jacquelin: Well, yes, the pandemic has been just an overwhelming layer of toxic stew for everyone. Cause you're trapped in a situation. Many times, you're trapped with your abusive partner. Or they have extremely easy access to you. So yes, you're trapped. You're trapped with your children that you have responsibility for you and trapped with the fact that you just, you know, can't even get basic needs met, or you may have lost your income or it's been reduced significantly.

So, the pandemic has added a huge layer of problematic situations to our clients. But what's hopeful is the strength that these and I'm going to say women, show in these situations. The ability to consistently kind of get up again and try to make an effort that they don't give up. They don't lie down and just, you know, just say, oh my God, I, you know, they will say I can't do it.

It's so difficult. But they constantly are so grateful for the fact that they have someone who can talk to them who understands it. That may be all they need. It just have someone who truly believes them, validates their situation and can listen to them withoutsjudging them or telling them what to do. It's an amazing gift that seems so simple and is, and yet it's so powerful. 

Host: Right. Is there anything else you think would be useful for the general public to know about domestic violence?

Jacquelin: I think the fact that it's far more prevalent than people really give credit to it. It's it's in our suburban world. Most of our clients come from our suburban world cause that's sort of where we're based. And we actually work with a lot of our police departments in the hospital as you know, et cetera.

And it is incredibly prevalent here as it is anywhere. It crosses all socioeconomic levels. It crosses all cultures. And we have a number of our clients are immigrants and come from different countries or different parts of this country. And it's just so prevalent. People just don't really believe it. It's very hidden. The psychological abuse is the most extreme and very damaging. It's financial abuse is 99% of the problem always. So, even women who are professionals and have a solid income coming in often have that being diverted or used by their abusive partner. So, it's just a deeply shaming situation that, that is it traps the person within their own heart and soul. And it's just devastating. 

Host: Absolutely. And how can people reach out for help if they're experiencing domestic abuse?

Jacquelin: There are local agencies almost everywhere. Somehow there are local agencies that they could access. But if they don't know their local agency and often people don't really look for resources until they think they need them. And a lot of people are in these situations, do not see themselves in these situations.

They don't label themselves as victims. They're not ready to reach out and call up somebody and say, I'm a victim. I need help. So, there's really, you know, there's a lot of many barriers that keep you from reaching out, but when they're ready to do so, there's a number of things online. I mentioned the NCADV.org, that's the National Domestic hotline in Massachusetts. It's Janedoe.org. Our particular website for Middlesex or anyone in the state we're happy to work with is dvsn.org. There are a number of books that they could read, but I think the online presence is probably the most accessible. There are helplines and hotlines accessible to them.

And again, I have to caution anyone who is reaching out. They need to think about how they're doing that. They may want to start that at a library and not at home on their own devices where an abusive partner may see what they're doing and wonder if they're starting to, you know, challenge them. They may want to start at a library.

They may want to start at a friend's home to start learning about it and reaching out for some help. They may need to, especially during the pandemic, we needed to kind of work with what opportunities these women had, or clients had to get out of the house and be away from their partner, where they might be able to have a conversation or reach out for help where they weren't being watched and stalked all the time.

Host: Absolutely. And Jacquelin I'd just like to add one more phone line to it. That confidential Domestic Violence Helpline is 888-399-6111. And also they could also go to the nearest emergency department if you need help. 

Jacquelin: Oh, yes, absolutely. So, if you are in immediate danger, by all means you call 911 and have the police come. The police in our area are very well-trained and understand domestic violence very well. That's not necessarily true everywhere, but it is true here. And so anyone in our area, the central Middlesex area, please reach out to your police if you feel that you're in imminent danger. And they will be able to help you get an emergency restraining order and move forward in that process as we can as well.

Host: Well, Jacquelin, my hat is off to you for all the good work you do. The life-saving work you do. Thank you so much for your time today.

Jacquelin: Well, this has been wonderful. Thank you for this. I love your voice by the way.

Host: Oh, thank And that is the fabulous Jacquelin Apsler, Executive Director of the Domestic Violence Services Network, doing great work every single day. Thank you so much for listening to Emerson's Health Works Here podcast. Subscribe to this podcast on your favorite podcast source, including Apple podcasts, Google play music and Spotify.

And if you like what you've heard, please share it on your social channels and be sure to check out the full podcast library for topics that might interest you. I'm Deborah Howell. Thanks for listening and have yourself a terrific day.