How to Stay Strong as a Couple Through Treatment
Dr. Marie Davidson and Dr. Tiffany Edwards discuss how infertility treatment can impact relationships and offer tips and strategies to stay strong as a couple through treatment.
Featuring:
Dr. Marie Davidson is a licensed clinical psychologist and patient educator. She specializes in counseling individuals and couples who are coping with infertility and has provided counseling services to patients, donors, and surrogates since 1992. Dr. Davidson earned her doctoral degree at the University of Illinois in 1988. She facilitates patient education seminars on numerous topics such as considering egg donation and cracking the door to adoption, leads several women and couples support groups, and is widely published in the fertility field. She has been an invited speaker at many professional meetings. Her personalized care and detailed understanding of the treatment process have been a welcome and supportive resource to many couples and individuals as they seek to grow a family.
Tiffany Edwards, PhD, MPH | Marie Davidson, PhD
Dr. Tiffany Edwards is a licensed clinical psychologist and patient educator specializing in counseling couples and individuals during treatment as well as egg donors and surrogates for those pursuing third party reproduction options. Dr. Edwards earned her doctoral degree from Saint Louis University and a master’s in public health from New York University. She completed her predoctoral residency at Rush University Medical Center and two postdoctoral fellowships at Emory University School of Medicine and the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai. In her career, she has worked with patients to address a wide variety of psychological and health-related issues such as anxiety, depression, cancer survivorship, women’s health issues, stress management and more. In her role at Fertility Centers of Illinois, she counsels and supports patients, facilitates patient education seminars and leads support groups. Her caring, empathetic and supportive counseling approach aims to help patients move from fear and vulnerability to empowerment and hope on their treatment journey.Dr. Marie Davidson is a licensed clinical psychologist and patient educator. She specializes in counseling individuals and couples who are coping with infertility and has provided counseling services to patients, donors, and surrogates since 1992. Dr. Davidson earned her doctoral degree at the University of Illinois in 1988. She facilitates patient education seminars on numerous topics such as considering egg donation and cracking the door to adoption, leads several women and couples support groups, and is widely published in the fertility field. She has been an invited speaker at many professional meetings. Her personalized care and detailed understanding of the treatment process have been a welcome and supportive resource to many couples and individuals as they seek to grow a family.
Transcription:
Caitlin Whyte: When you finally found your person, it feels like you too can do anything together. For many relationships. Starting a family is part of that journey, but when you and your partner are having trouble conceiving, the physical and emotional impacts can take their toll on any relationship. Today we'll discuss how treatment can impact intimacy and connection in a relationship and offer up some strategies on how to support a partner and strengthen a relationship during this process. Joining us for this conversation are Doctors, Marie Davidson and Tiffany Edwards with the Fertility Centers of Illinois Glenview. This is The Time to Talk Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Whyte. So Dr. Davidson. Let's start with you. You have some special insight on how infertility impacts couples. What are common emotional themes and reactions you see?
Dr. Davidson: Infertility does have a huge impact on couples. It's universal, no one escapes it, and commonly I think that I see how much trouble couples sometimes have them talking to each other about the infertility. It's a volatile subject, sensitive area. And that's creates some distance. So people who normally have a much closer intimacy connection are feeling separated and struggling with that. They're disappointed because they're not getting pregnant and they're scared because they don't know what's going to happen and they're afraid to make plans because they're tied to the treatment. So it's really stressful for couples to go through.
Host: How does that differ when comparing women and men?
Dr. Davidson: I like the image of it being on a train, it's like the couple has the same destination picked out, but they're on different timetables. So the train with the woman on it left the station a lot earlier. So women start to worry much sooner. They have more distress, and men are, you know, they're with them, but they're on that other train that left later. So they're always trying to catch up with where their wives are emotionally and that creates disappointment again, expectations not being met, you're not with me in this.
Host: How would you say those emotions and reactions change over time?
Dr. Davidson: There's research that shows that distress peaks at about a year to 18 months, assuming that now, people are in treatment for a while. And that's when it's most intense in that, if they're continuing, they start to adjust to the routine and it becomes a little bit easier just because they know what they're doing. They're more equipped to handle things like injections and ultrasounds and producing semen samples and all that, you know, the rigors of treatment and they kind of adjust to it and tend to do a little better. But, you know, that isn't true for everyone. For some people the distress level just remains very high.
Host: Dr. Edwards, let's shift the conversation a bit. What are the common needs of a female partner and a male partner?
Dr. Edwards: Typically, when I'm working with couples, what I'll sometimes see is that though a woman is more often than not wanting to seek the support both from the partner but also and from others. So whether it's her mother or best friend or just that network of support. And I sometimes will oftentimes see that the male partner is really looking more for information. And so that's oftentimes one point in which they might kind of disagree just in regards to, they're wanting and to seek information or support and from other people and feeling comfortable in sort of expressing and letting others know kind of what they're going through.
Host: How do men and women usually struggle in fulfilling those needs?
Dr. Edwards: I think it's really important and for couples to be on the same page when they're going through infertility treatment and that includes really trying to create a space where they can be open and transparent with each other and maintaining effective communication. I think that's really, really key. I think it's important that they don't get lost kind of in treatment itself and they make it a real strong point to stay tight as a couple and to not stop dating one another and to really stay focused with one another and maintain that effective communication.
Host: I'm sure both of you have some stories from all your work over the years. Are there any couples that have stood out? Dr. Edwards, let's start with you.
Dr. Edwards: Not one story in particular, but I think what I'm oftentimes most impressed by is couples that have gone through treatment for a fairly long time that have had some ups and downs, but they seem to come out stronger on the other end. And I just find that to be so impressive because I think there's this misconception that when you're going through treatment like that, it can oftentimes be detrimental kind of on the relationship. And while that's very true that this serves as a major stressor for many couples, it can oftentimes serve as a major linking point too, and really make the relationship stronger because you're both able to essentially see strength both as individuals but then strength as a couple also.
Host: And Dr. Davidson, any stories to share?
Dr. Davidson: Yes, one couple. I will never forget. They made a decision that they were going to be committed to there relationship and they weren't going to have that be crashed into too much by the fertility treatment. And as Dr. Edward said, that you keep that the love alive when you can pay attention to each other and set aside time, and this couple turned part of their bedroom into their personal sanctuary. They didn't have a lot of money, but they invested in a faux fireplace and they would have appetizers and hors d'oeuvres and drinks in front of their faux fireplace once a week, and nicer months they would spread out a blanket and have a picnic. And really have some fun with it. And I thought that was a genius idea and it really helped them stay together as a couple in a warm way.
Host: Are there certain strategies Dr. Davidson, that couples can rely on to help them get through some of these rough patches and moments?
Dr. Davidson: Well, this, you know, committing to being together and having regular time to share fears and concerns, as well as to get away from it all. You know, to go out to dinner and make a plan not to talk about it. You have to give yourself a break from having it always be the center of everything, and when people are really having trouble talking to each other, I recommend sometimes that they get a kitchen timer and they turn it on for like 10 minutes. It doesn't matter how long, but if each one gets a turn to speak, it's the 10 minute rule, and when they can speak about anything and their partner can't say anything but has to listen. And then they get a turn, and it doesn't even have to be about the infertility because, but what we see are couples who just aren't talking at all because everything is too sensitive. And so this sort of forces a conversation. It can backfire, but it's really seemed to be very effective for a lot of people have tried it.
Host: You know, we've been talking a lot about how infertility hurts a relationship, but are there any ways that it can help?
Dr. Davidson: I think yes, when, when a couple can approach this as something they're going through together, you know, except that this is what it is. We're hopeful. We don't know how it's going to turn out. We're going to be together throughout this process and they do it as a team. They can often wind up just as you would with any really rough life experience that you suffered together and adored, they wind up stronger as a couple. I had one couple say I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but it's improved our marriage. That was like, wow, good for them.
Host: Dr. Edwards, what would you say couples should do if one partner wants to continue treatment and the other doesn't?
Dr. Edwards: Yeah, that's a really interesting question and I think it can be very challenging because there is no real compromise in a situation like that. So I think that the key really is to talk through what your fears, concerns, and sort of what you ultimately want are, and just come to the conclusion that one person may need to give in. One thing that I'll typically recommend is that patients kind of take a step back. So maybe if that includes like taking some time from treatment for a little bit, a couple of weeks, a couple of months, just to kind of regroup if you will, and kind of give thought. Because I think at times one partner may just get tired and get kind of overwhelmed by and the other person tends to be stuck in that tunnel vision mode of just wanting to push, push, push, and sort of move forward. So I think it's really important to keep those lines of communication open and so that each party is talking with one another and really expressing why they want to versus not wanting to continue. And then just maybe taking a little bit of space to kind of regroup later.
Host: Are there any resources that you would steer couples towards if they're thinking about starting this process or in the midst of it now?
Dr. Edwards: I think one resource is FCIs website. We have a lot of patient education information that is geared towards assisting couples and improving their communication and sort of listing ways and things that they may want to be thinking about. There's also the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. They have a lot of resources that are available and to couples just in regards to treatment and then in regards to issues that they may be facing as a couple as well.
Host: Dr. Davidson, any from you?
Dr. Davidson: I just wanted to add that it's really, it can be a very good idea to seek professional help. I mean not everyone needs that, but it can make a lot of difference to talk to someone who has at least some background in fertility treatment and knows a little bit about it, and the kind of stress it creates in a marriage and relationship. And get some clarity about how normal this is, everyone experiences some kind of stress and strain in a relationship when they're going through this and that can be helpful and to get some professional guidance. It doesn't have to be lengthy. Even a couple of sessions can make a huge difference.
Host: Is there anything else either of you would like to add?
Dr. Davidson: This is a really hard time to go through for couples, but no one is defined by their fertility status and this is not permanent. There's resolution, you know, I can't tell people what it will be, but they will come out the other side and I think our goal is as the support people at Fertility Centers of Illinois to do our best to make sure people get through this in one piece emotionally, and get to that goal.
Host: That was Dr. Marie Davidson and Dr. Tiffany Edwards with the Fertility Centers of Illinois Glenview. Find out more about what we discussed today and other fertility options on our website at FCIonline.com. If you enjoyed this podcast, find more like it in our podcast library and be sure to give us a like and follow if you do. This has been The Time to Talk Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Whyte. I'll catch you next time.
Caitlin Whyte: When you finally found your person, it feels like you too can do anything together. For many relationships. Starting a family is part of that journey, but when you and your partner are having trouble conceiving, the physical and emotional impacts can take their toll on any relationship. Today we'll discuss how treatment can impact intimacy and connection in a relationship and offer up some strategies on how to support a partner and strengthen a relationship during this process. Joining us for this conversation are Doctors, Marie Davidson and Tiffany Edwards with the Fertility Centers of Illinois Glenview. This is The Time to Talk Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Whyte. So Dr. Davidson. Let's start with you. You have some special insight on how infertility impacts couples. What are common emotional themes and reactions you see?
Dr. Davidson: Infertility does have a huge impact on couples. It's universal, no one escapes it, and commonly I think that I see how much trouble couples sometimes have them talking to each other about the infertility. It's a volatile subject, sensitive area. And that's creates some distance. So people who normally have a much closer intimacy connection are feeling separated and struggling with that. They're disappointed because they're not getting pregnant and they're scared because they don't know what's going to happen and they're afraid to make plans because they're tied to the treatment. So it's really stressful for couples to go through.
Host: How does that differ when comparing women and men?
Dr. Davidson: I like the image of it being on a train, it's like the couple has the same destination picked out, but they're on different timetables. So the train with the woman on it left the station a lot earlier. So women start to worry much sooner. They have more distress, and men are, you know, they're with them, but they're on that other train that left later. So they're always trying to catch up with where their wives are emotionally and that creates disappointment again, expectations not being met, you're not with me in this.
Host: How would you say those emotions and reactions change over time?
Dr. Davidson: There's research that shows that distress peaks at about a year to 18 months, assuming that now, people are in treatment for a while. And that's when it's most intense in that, if they're continuing, they start to adjust to the routine and it becomes a little bit easier just because they know what they're doing. They're more equipped to handle things like injections and ultrasounds and producing semen samples and all that, you know, the rigors of treatment and they kind of adjust to it and tend to do a little better. But, you know, that isn't true for everyone. For some people the distress level just remains very high.
Host: Dr. Edwards, let's shift the conversation a bit. What are the common needs of a female partner and a male partner?
Dr. Edwards: Typically, when I'm working with couples, what I'll sometimes see is that though a woman is more often than not wanting to seek the support both from the partner but also and from others. So whether it's her mother or best friend or just that network of support. And I sometimes will oftentimes see that the male partner is really looking more for information. And so that's oftentimes one point in which they might kind of disagree just in regards to, they're wanting and to seek information or support and from other people and feeling comfortable in sort of expressing and letting others know kind of what they're going through.
Host: How do men and women usually struggle in fulfilling those needs?
Dr. Edwards: I think it's really important and for couples to be on the same page when they're going through infertility treatment and that includes really trying to create a space where they can be open and transparent with each other and maintaining effective communication. I think that's really, really key. I think it's important that they don't get lost kind of in treatment itself and they make it a real strong point to stay tight as a couple and to not stop dating one another and to really stay focused with one another and maintain that effective communication.
Host: I'm sure both of you have some stories from all your work over the years. Are there any couples that have stood out? Dr. Edwards, let's start with you.
Dr. Edwards: Not one story in particular, but I think what I'm oftentimes most impressed by is couples that have gone through treatment for a fairly long time that have had some ups and downs, but they seem to come out stronger on the other end. And I just find that to be so impressive because I think there's this misconception that when you're going through treatment like that, it can oftentimes be detrimental kind of on the relationship. And while that's very true that this serves as a major stressor for many couples, it can oftentimes serve as a major linking point too, and really make the relationship stronger because you're both able to essentially see strength both as individuals but then strength as a couple also.
Host: And Dr. Davidson, any stories to share?
Dr. Davidson: Yes, one couple. I will never forget. They made a decision that they were going to be committed to there relationship and they weren't going to have that be crashed into too much by the fertility treatment. And as Dr. Edward said, that you keep that the love alive when you can pay attention to each other and set aside time, and this couple turned part of their bedroom into their personal sanctuary. They didn't have a lot of money, but they invested in a faux fireplace and they would have appetizers and hors d'oeuvres and drinks in front of their faux fireplace once a week, and nicer months they would spread out a blanket and have a picnic. And really have some fun with it. And I thought that was a genius idea and it really helped them stay together as a couple in a warm way.
Host: Are there certain strategies Dr. Davidson, that couples can rely on to help them get through some of these rough patches and moments?
Dr. Davidson: Well, this, you know, committing to being together and having regular time to share fears and concerns, as well as to get away from it all. You know, to go out to dinner and make a plan not to talk about it. You have to give yourself a break from having it always be the center of everything, and when people are really having trouble talking to each other, I recommend sometimes that they get a kitchen timer and they turn it on for like 10 minutes. It doesn't matter how long, but if each one gets a turn to speak, it's the 10 minute rule, and when they can speak about anything and their partner can't say anything but has to listen. And then they get a turn, and it doesn't even have to be about the infertility because, but what we see are couples who just aren't talking at all because everything is too sensitive. And so this sort of forces a conversation. It can backfire, but it's really seemed to be very effective for a lot of people have tried it.
Host: You know, we've been talking a lot about how infertility hurts a relationship, but are there any ways that it can help?
Dr. Davidson: I think yes, when, when a couple can approach this as something they're going through together, you know, except that this is what it is. We're hopeful. We don't know how it's going to turn out. We're going to be together throughout this process and they do it as a team. They can often wind up just as you would with any really rough life experience that you suffered together and adored, they wind up stronger as a couple. I had one couple say I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, but it's improved our marriage. That was like, wow, good for them.
Host: Dr. Edwards, what would you say couples should do if one partner wants to continue treatment and the other doesn't?
Dr. Edwards: Yeah, that's a really interesting question and I think it can be very challenging because there is no real compromise in a situation like that. So I think that the key really is to talk through what your fears, concerns, and sort of what you ultimately want are, and just come to the conclusion that one person may need to give in. One thing that I'll typically recommend is that patients kind of take a step back. So maybe if that includes like taking some time from treatment for a little bit, a couple of weeks, a couple of months, just to kind of regroup if you will, and kind of give thought. Because I think at times one partner may just get tired and get kind of overwhelmed by and the other person tends to be stuck in that tunnel vision mode of just wanting to push, push, push, and sort of move forward. So I think it's really important to keep those lines of communication open and so that each party is talking with one another and really expressing why they want to versus not wanting to continue. And then just maybe taking a little bit of space to kind of regroup later.
Host: Are there any resources that you would steer couples towards if they're thinking about starting this process or in the midst of it now?
Dr. Edwards: I think one resource is FCIs website. We have a lot of patient education information that is geared towards assisting couples and improving their communication and sort of listing ways and things that they may want to be thinking about. There's also the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. They have a lot of resources that are available and to couples just in regards to treatment and then in regards to issues that they may be facing as a couple as well.
Host: Dr. Davidson, any from you?
Dr. Davidson: I just wanted to add that it's really, it can be a very good idea to seek professional help. I mean not everyone needs that, but it can make a lot of difference to talk to someone who has at least some background in fertility treatment and knows a little bit about it, and the kind of stress it creates in a marriage and relationship. And get some clarity about how normal this is, everyone experiences some kind of stress and strain in a relationship when they're going through this and that can be helpful and to get some professional guidance. It doesn't have to be lengthy. Even a couple of sessions can make a huge difference.
Host: Is there anything else either of you would like to add?
Dr. Davidson: This is a really hard time to go through for couples, but no one is defined by their fertility status and this is not permanent. There's resolution, you know, I can't tell people what it will be, but they will come out the other side and I think our goal is as the support people at Fertility Centers of Illinois to do our best to make sure people get through this in one piece emotionally, and get to that goal.
Host: That was Dr. Marie Davidson and Dr. Tiffany Edwards with the Fertility Centers of Illinois Glenview. Find out more about what we discussed today and other fertility options on our website at FCIonline.com. If you enjoyed this podcast, find more like it in our podcast library and be sure to give us a like and follow if you do. This has been The Time to Talk Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Whyte. I'll catch you next time.