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The Emotional Impact of Infertility and How to Heal
Dr. Tiffany Edwards discusses the emotional impact of infertility and how to heal.
Featuring:
Tiffany Edwards, Ph.D.
Dr. Tiffany Edwards is a licensed clinical psychologist and patient educator specializing in counseling couples and individuals during treatment as well as egg donors and surrogates for those pursuing third party reproduction options. Transcription:
Caitlin Whyte: The fertility process is a journey with as many high moments as there are low. In this episode, we'll discuss common responses and emotions that arise after an infertility diagnosis and during treatment, how this varies from a man to a woman strategies on how to heal and cope, and various community resources that can help joining us for this conversation is Dr. Tiffany Edwards, a Behavioral Health Specialist at Fertility Centers of Illinois. This is the Time to Talk Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Whyte. Now Dr. Edwards, no couple ever thinks that they will be facing and fertility issue. It's unexpected. It's devastating. How do people usually react at first?
Dr. Edwards: I don't think there's any one way that couples tend to react. But I do think initially there's a sense of disbelief. I think many couples come in and they feel very confused that this was something that they weren't really anticipating, weren't expecting. So I think they just really, initially they're looking for answers and really trying to understand why this is occurring, why them, and they're really just wanting help, basically.
Host: Of course, a diagnosis can cause emotional changes. How does an infertility diagnosis impact women in particular?
Dr. Edwards: There is initially the sense of loss, if you will. I think many women, they tell me that they feel sad in the beginning. There's also the sense of fear. There are women that talk about feelings of shame and guilt. I get a lot of women tell me that they're just very shocked that they don't understand why they've spent a good portion of their life, maybe attempting not to get pregnant. And they thought this was something that would just naturally really occur. I think women, they, at times, they struggle with finding people to talk to because they might be at an age where their friends are getting pregnant. They're starting families, they're expanding their families. So I think initially it's a bit of a shock and can be very sad for a lot of women and they do experience and talk about the sense of loss. I think they want to know me answers, and I think they just want to find ways to start their own family in a similar fashion.
Host: Is this response any different if the diagnosis lies with a male partner involved?
Dr. Edwards: I think for women, it's a similar thing of just trying to want answers. There are some women that tell me, there's almost this sense of relief because they, now they understand what is going on. And now I think they might be in a phase where they're just wanting information, wanting answers, and wanting ways to move forward. I think a lot of women in particular, they also come to me to talk about ways to better help and support their partner if it is male factor,
Host: We know that things hit home differently for men. How do men handle an infertility diagnosis usually?
Dr. Edwards: I think like with women, there's an initial sense of disbelief of confusion. I think many men talk about a feeling of guilt and shame. I think maybe different from women to a certain extent, there's a sense of embarrassment. Many men just don't know what to say. They can't really identify what they're feeling and, more often than women don't want to share with others. And there might be this sense of feeling uncomfortable in letting others know.
Host: So how has the emotional impact different if the man is diagnosed with the fertility challenge?
Dr. Edwards: I think there's the same sense of shock and maybe disbelief as women experience when they're initially given the news of the infertility diagnosis. Men, they also talk about a sense of shame and perhaps guilt. I think one of the biggest differences is men tend to feel a bit more uncomfortable and talking about the infertility challenges with other people. Whereas I think women may tend to seek out that and support from others or their partner more so. I think men at times too, they may struggle with identifying the feelings that they're feeling with identifying those emotions that are related to the diagnosis.
Host: I'd imagine emotions can be a bit of a roller coaster from the initial diagnosis to undergoing treatment. How do emotions evolve in this process?
Dr. Edwards: They evolve, I think in the beginning, like what we've already talked about, there's a sense of disbelief. I think there's a sense of being upset, maybe wanting answers, feeling very confused. So I think in the beginning, a lot of people they're just wanting information. They're really wanting to understand why they're wanting some, just some information to guide them. I think once they have a plan in place, they're in treatment, there's almost the sense of hope that comes with, they've met with the doctor. They have a little bit more guidance and maybe understanding. So they feel hopeful. I think once they go through a treatment, if it's a successful thing, then that's great and they feel great. And that's joy. If there's any disappointment, then I think that's what they may be feeling. Very disappointed. They may start to question again.
Why looking for additional answers? I think towards the end, if they're still in treatment, they've gone through a couple plans or cycles, if you will. I think that's when couples may get a bit more reflective, maybe really starting to explore what might be their plan B or their plan C. So I think they start to become more explorative, and they may even be at that point looking at issues of loss or they want to stay on in treatment if you will. So I think you're absolutely right. There's a range of different emotions that couples may go through in this process.
Host: Now, when it comes to coping strategies, what are some that you recommend?
Dr. Edwards: I don't think there's one right way to necessarily cope. One thing that I can to encourage people is just to really allow yourself to feel whatever you might be feeling. One of the biggest things that I see people come into consults with me is they will apologize if they start to cry or they'll apologize if they're feeling very overwhelmed. And what I always tell people is never apologize for a feeling. It's your feeling? It's a valid feeling and that's okay. And it's absolutely normal, especially given what you're going through. So one of the coping mechanisms that I tend to encourage is just to allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling and to be okay with that. What I also typically encourage people to do is to don't let infertility and your plan and for treatment totally overwhelm your entire life, try to stay active and stay involved in those activities that you would have normally used to cope with stressors. So whether that's meditation, whether that's being outdoors, maybe in nature, whether that's listening to music, spending time with your partner, spending time with others, continue to do those things that brought you joy and that you would normally use to cope with stressors in general.
Host: On the flip side of that though, what are some behaviors that you think could make things worse?
Dr. Edwards: I think one is not communicating with your partner, not communicating with others. I think people tend to keep everything kind of inside. So one thing that I really encourage is to communicate with others. Let people know what you need and get that additional and support, if that's something that you would find useful and beneficial to you. I also really encourage individuals to engage in those activities that will help treatment. So whether that's a change in your diet, whether that's increasing your opportunities for fresh air and for being outside, for getting a little exercise, as long as it's activities that don't interfere in any way with treatment or that would cause you unnecessary harm in some way.
Host: You know, sometimes it's hard to really focus on what needs to be done in these situations with work and the general business of life. How can couples really, you know, lock down and focus on what they need to do if fertility is really their goal in the end?
Dr. Edwards: I think one way to do that is to make that you and your partner are on the same page, and you can do that by engaging in conversation that's very transparent where you're both really talking about what you're comfortable with doing what you're not comfortable with doing. And I think you use a really great word and that's goals. Making sure that you both have the same goal plan, that you both are fully aligned with what the goal is and what the outcome of treatment is. Whether that's in regards to the number of children that you're ideally wanting, whether that's in regards to what you're comfortable doing when it comes to treatment. And if you've had that conversation on what is the stopping point for us here. So I think those and many other things are important to talk about so that you know that you're both fully aligned and on the same page, when it comes to your treatment goals.
Host: Now, how has COVID-19 impacted the emotional and healing aspects of infertility?
Dr. Edwards: I think what I've seen is maybe brought on a sense of time pressure for some couples. The couples that I've met with that have talked specifically about COVID-19, they've all just talked about the uncertainty that it brings, especially in regards to the timing of treatment and the way that is in relation to their goals. So I think a lot of patients are feeling that time pressure that comes along with the uncertainty of COVID. And if we're going to see an additional spike or an additional surge, if that might once again, cause them and to pause treatment. So I think that's one of the biggest questions that a lot of people ask when it comes to COVID-19 is the timing.
Host: Now for some couples, fertility and infertility can be kind of isolating when they're seeing their friends and family get pregnant and, you know, easy traditional kind of ways. How can couples connect with others who kind of get it, what they're going through?
Dr. Edwards: There's a lot of different groups and options that are available. I know at FCI, we have a number of different groups that are available and for patients, there's one group that is for women that are single and doing this on their own. That's a very fun group. It's very popular. There's another group for patients that have experienced a loss. And then we have a third group that's more of just it's, it's an infertility group. That's open to any patients that have experienced infertility that just want to talk with others. So we have a lot of support groups that are available. There are also a lot of other groups like ASMR and Resolve that also offer the support groups as well. If patients were interested in attending FCIs group, they can get more information through our website. The groups are absolutely free and you don't need to be an FCI patient to actually attend those groups.
Host: As a clinical psychologist in the fertility industry, you've treated so many patients with infertility, I imagine. Do they often wait too long to see you?
Dr. Edwards: Couples tend to meet with me and seek help when they feel like the strategies that we've already discussed really aren't working when they feel like they can use that additional care in talking with their partner and talking with others, or when they feel just really overwhelmed by the treatment process, there is no right time to get help. There is no wrong time to get help. And I think couples just kind of know when they're feeling overwhelmed and need to actually speak with someone.
Host: How many sessions do couples usually do with you and how often?
Dr. Edwards: The first session is absolutely free and complimentary. Post that there is no set number typically, couples may meet with me when they're in the waiting process, or if they're waiting on testing results, they may want to come in to learn some coping strategies on waiting. They may meet with me post results. So they may meet with me to talk about their results. Talk about next steps, to try to process kind of what that means. Couples may meet with me once, maybe at the beginning of their treatment, and then once towards the end and depending on if it was a successful treatment and if it was not. Many couples might meet with me once or maybe twice. And then there are other couples that meet with me on a more consistent basis. There is no rhyme nor reason. I think it's just if and when a couple needs that additional help.
Host: Great. Dr. Edwards, is there anything else you'd like to add to this conversation that I didn't ask you about?
Dr. Edwards: There really isn't just to let patients know that whatever you're feeling, this is a very stressful process and it can be very difficult and just really allow yourself the opportunity to feel what you're feeling and just know that that's normal and it's valid, and you'll get through it.
Host: Thank you so much for your time and for this information, Dr. Edwards, I hope we can make some couples feel at ease during this tough process. That was Dr. Tiffany Edwards, a behavioral health specialist at Fertility Centers of Illinois. Please call (877) 324-4483 to schedule a telemedicine appointment with any of our amazing physicians. And if you enjoyed this podcast, there are more like it in our podcast library. Be sure to give us a like, and a follow if you do. This has been The Time to Talk Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Whyte. We'll see you next time.
Caitlin Whyte: The fertility process is a journey with as many high moments as there are low. In this episode, we'll discuss common responses and emotions that arise after an infertility diagnosis and during treatment, how this varies from a man to a woman strategies on how to heal and cope, and various community resources that can help joining us for this conversation is Dr. Tiffany Edwards, a Behavioral Health Specialist at Fertility Centers of Illinois. This is the Time to Talk Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Whyte. Now Dr. Edwards, no couple ever thinks that they will be facing and fertility issue. It's unexpected. It's devastating. How do people usually react at first?
Dr. Edwards: I don't think there's any one way that couples tend to react. But I do think initially there's a sense of disbelief. I think many couples come in and they feel very confused that this was something that they weren't really anticipating, weren't expecting. So I think they just really, initially they're looking for answers and really trying to understand why this is occurring, why them, and they're really just wanting help, basically.
Host: Of course, a diagnosis can cause emotional changes. How does an infertility diagnosis impact women in particular?
Dr. Edwards: There is initially the sense of loss, if you will. I think many women, they tell me that they feel sad in the beginning. There's also the sense of fear. There are women that talk about feelings of shame and guilt. I get a lot of women tell me that they're just very shocked that they don't understand why they've spent a good portion of their life, maybe attempting not to get pregnant. And they thought this was something that would just naturally really occur. I think women, they, at times, they struggle with finding people to talk to because they might be at an age where their friends are getting pregnant. They're starting families, they're expanding their families. So I think initially it's a bit of a shock and can be very sad for a lot of women and they do experience and talk about the sense of loss. I think they want to know me answers, and I think they just want to find ways to start their own family in a similar fashion.
Host: Is this response any different if the diagnosis lies with a male partner involved?
Dr. Edwards: I think for women, it's a similar thing of just trying to want answers. There are some women that tell me, there's almost this sense of relief because they, now they understand what is going on. And now I think they might be in a phase where they're just wanting information, wanting answers, and wanting ways to move forward. I think a lot of women in particular, they also come to me to talk about ways to better help and support their partner if it is male factor,
Host: We know that things hit home differently for men. How do men handle an infertility diagnosis usually?
Dr. Edwards: I think like with women, there's an initial sense of disbelief of confusion. I think many men talk about a feeling of guilt and shame. I think maybe different from women to a certain extent, there's a sense of embarrassment. Many men just don't know what to say. They can't really identify what they're feeling and, more often than women don't want to share with others. And there might be this sense of feeling uncomfortable in letting others know.
Host: So how has the emotional impact different if the man is diagnosed with the fertility challenge?
Dr. Edwards: I think there's the same sense of shock and maybe disbelief as women experience when they're initially given the news of the infertility diagnosis. Men, they also talk about a sense of shame and perhaps guilt. I think one of the biggest differences is men tend to feel a bit more uncomfortable and talking about the infertility challenges with other people. Whereas I think women may tend to seek out that and support from others or their partner more so. I think men at times too, they may struggle with identifying the feelings that they're feeling with identifying those emotions that are related to the diagnosis.
Host: I'd imagine emotions can be a bit of a roller coaster from the initial diagnosis to undergoing treatment. How do emotions evolve in this process?
Dr. Edwards: They evolve, I think in the beginning, like what we've already talked about, there's a sense of disbelief. I think there's a sense of being upset, maybe wanting answers, feeling very confused. So I think in the beginning, a lot of people they're just wanting information. They're really wanting to understand why they're wanting some, just some information to guide them. I think once they have a plan in place, they're in treatment, there's almost the sense of hope that comes with, they've met with the doctor. They have a little bit more guidance and maybe understanding. So they feel hopeful. I think once they go through a treatment, if it's a successful thing, then that's great and they feel great. And that's joy. If there's any disappointment, then I think that's what they may be feeling. Very disappointed. They may start to question again.
Why looking for additional answers? I think towards the end, if they're still in treatment, they've gone through a couple plans or cycles, if you will. I think that's when couples may get a bit more reflective, maybe really starting to explore what might be their plan B or their plan C. So I think they start to become more explorative, and they may even be at that point looking at issues of loss or they want to stay on in treatment if you will. So I think you're absolutely right. There's a range of different emotions that couples may go through in this process.
Host: Now, when it comes to coping strategies, what are some that you recommend?
Dr. Edwards: I don't think there's one right way to necessarily cope. One thing that I can to encourage people is just to really allow yourself to feel whatever you might be feeling. One of the biggest things that I see people come into consults with me is they will apologize if they start to cry or they'll apologize if they're feeling very overwhelmed. And what I always tell people is never apologize for a feeling. It's your feeling? It's a valid feeling and that's okay. And it's absolutely normal, especially given what you're going through. So one of the coping mechanisms that I tend to encourage is just to allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling and to be okay with that. What I also typically encourage people to do is to don't let infertility and your plan and for treatment totally overwhelm your entire life, try to stay active and stay involved in those activities that you would have normally used to cope with stressors. So whether that's meditation, whether that's being outdoors, maybe in nature, whether that's listening to music, spending time with your partner, spending time with others, continue to do those things that brought you joy and that you would normally use to cope with stressors in general.
Host: On the flip side of that though, what are some behaviors that you think could make things worse?
Dr. Edwards: I think one is not communicating with your partner, not communicating with others. I think people tend to keep everything kind of inside. So one thing that I really encourage is to communicate with others. Let people know what you need and get that additional and support, if that's something that you would find useful and beneficial to you. I also really encourage individuals to engage in those activities that will help treatment. So whether that's a change in your diet, whether that's increasing your opportunities for fresh air and for being outside, for getting a little exercise, as long as it's activities that don't interfere in any way with treatment or that would cause you unnecessary harm in some way.
Host: You know, sometimes it's hard to really focus on what needs to be done in these situations with work and the general business of life. How can couples really, you know, lock down and focus on what they need to do if fertility is really their goal in the end?
Dr. Edwards: I think one way to do that is to make that you and your partner are on the same page, and you can do that by engaging in conversation that's very transparent where you're both really talking about what you're comfortable with doing what you're not comfortable with doing. And I think you use a really great word and that's goals. Making sure that you both have the same goal plan, that you both are fully aligned with what the goal is and what the outcome of treatment is. Whether that's in regards to the number of children that you're ideally wanting, whether that's in regards to what you're comfortable doing when it comes to treatment. And if you've had that conversation on what is the stopping point for us here. So I think those and many other things are important to talk about so that you know that you're both fully aligned and on the same page, when it comes to your treatment goals.
Host: Now, how has COVID-19 impacted the emotional and healing aspects of infertility?
Dr. Edwards: I think what I've seen is maybe brought on a sense of time pressure for some couples. The couples that I've met with that have talked specifically about COVID-19, they've all just talked about the uncertainty that it brings, especially in regards to the timing of treatment and the way that is in relation to their goals. So I think a lot of patients are feeling that time pressure that comes along with the uncertainty of COVID. And if we're going to see an additional spike or an additional surge, if that might once again, cause them and to pause treatment. So I think that's one of the biggest questions that a lot of people ask when it comes to COVID-19 is the timing.
Host: Now for some couples, fertility and infertility can be kind of isolating when they're seeing their friends and family get pregnant and, you know, easy traditional kind of ways. How can couples connect with others who kind of get it, what they're going through?
Dr. Edwards: There's a lot of different groups and options that are available. I know at FCI, we have a number of different groups that are available and for patients, there's one group that is for women that are single and doing this on their own. That's a very fun group. It's very popular. There's another group for patients that have experienced a loss. And then we have a third group that's more of just it's, it's an infertility group. That's open to any patients that have experienced infertility that just want to talk with others. So we have a lot of support groups that are available. There are also a lot of other groups like ASMR and Resolve that also offer the support groups as well. If patients were interested in attending FCIs group, they can get more information through our website. The groups are absolutely free and you don't need to be an FCI patient to actually attend those groups.
Host: As a clinical psychologist in the fertility industry, you've treated so many patients with infertility, I imagine. Do they often wait too long to see you?
Dr. Edwards: Couples tend to meet with me and seek help when they feel like the strategies that we've already discussed really aren't working when they feel like they can use that additional care in talking with their partner and talking with others, or when they feel just really overwhelmed by the treatment process, there is no right time to get help. There is no wrong time to get help. And I think couples just kind of know when they're feeling overwhelmed and need to actually speak with someone.
Host: How many sessions do couples usually do with you and how often?
Dr. Edwards: The first session is absolutely free and complimentary. Post that there is no set number typically, couples may meet with me when they're in the waiting process, or if they're waiting on testing results, they may want to come in to learn some coping strategies on waiting. They may meet with me post results. So they may meet with me to talk about their results. Talk about next steps, to try to process kind of what that means. Couples may meet with me once, maybe at the beginning of their treatment, and then once towards the end and depending on if it was a successful treatment and if it was not. Many couples might meet with me once or maybe twice. And then there are other couples that meet with me on a more consistent basis. There is no rhyme nor reason. I think it's just if and when a couple needs that additional help.
Host: Great. Dr. Edwards, is there anything else you'd like to add to this conversation that I didn't ask you about?
Dr. Edwards: There really isn't just to let patients know that whatever you're feeling, this is a very stressful process and it can be very difficult and just really allow yourself the opportunity to feel what you're feeling and just know that that's normal and it's valid, and you'll get through it.
Host: Thank you so much for your time and for this information, Dr. Edwards, I hope we can make some couples feel at ease during this tough process. That was Dr. Tiffany Edwards, a behavioral health specialist at Fertility Centers of Illinois. Please call (877) 324-4483 to schedule a telemedicine appointment with any of our amazing physicians. And if you enjoyed this podcast, there are more like it in our podcast library. Be sure to give us a like, and a follow if you do. This has been The Time to Talk Fertility Podcast. I'm your host, Caitlin Whyte. We'll see you next time.