Selected Podcast
Tips for Talking to a Suicide Loss Survivor
Talking to a person who has lost a loved one to suicide presents challenges beyond the discomfort we commonly feel in the presence of grief. Franciscan Health offers helpful tips to help you navigate conversations with suicide loss survivors in a kind, thoughtful, and responsible way.
Featuring:
Tina Hoffman, B.S.
Tina Hoffmann joined Franciscan Health as Community Health Improvement Coordinator in October 2021. She has extensive experience in suicide prevention, crisis intervention, resilience and wellness and worked. In her last position, she served as the Indiana National Guard Suicide Prevention Program Manager where she was recognized by the Department of Defense for outstanding program in 2019 and was a presenter at the Department of Defense Suicide Prevention National Conference. Transcription:
Scott Webb: There are certain topics that many of us find difficult to talk about and suicide is perhaps at the top of the list. And joining me today for the first of a two-part series on why it's important to talk about suicide, how we can talk about it and how we can help to prevent it is Tina Hoffman. She's the Community Health Improvement Coordinator at Franciscan Health.
This is the Franciscan Health Doc Pod. I'm Scott Webb. Tina, thanks so much for joining me today. This is part one of a two-part series about suicide, about how to talk about suicide, how to talk to people about suicide and everything sort of related to that. And, you know, it's a heavy subject matter, but it's great to have your expertise. And as we get rolling here, why are people hesitant to talk with others about suicide. Let's say, they've lost a loved one to suicide. Why is that so difficult to talk about?
Tina Hoffman: The reason I think that some people are so hesitant to talk about suicide is that it's scary. We are more comfortable as a society talking about someone that may have died in a car accident, because that is something we couldn't prevent. And with someone having thoughts of suicide or having lost someone to suicide, we typically want answers that are sometimes not available to be found.
Scott Webb: Yeah, I think about myself in this situation, having had some of these conversations, I think you're right. You know, it's one of those things where we want to sort of listen more than we talk, you know, and we're looking for answers that people may not have. And maybe we can just talk a little bit more, talk through this a little bit about why we struggle with those conversations and are there some things that we maybe should or shouldn't do or should or shouldn't say.
Tina Hoffman: The first thing I tell people, and I also have lost someone to suicide and I know how uncomfortable it can be, that you can just simply talk about their loved one. The means or the way someone dies by suicide doesn't have to be discussed. We could talk about the memory of that person. You know, I have told people to ask what that family member's favorite memory is of their loved one or our favorite memory of their loved one, to keep their memory alive and not focus on the means of their death. And it's none of our business to be perfectly honest. And if that family wants to talk about suicide, then we can sit down and listen to what happened.
Scott Webb: Yeah, I see what you mean, right? Focusing on the person, the memories, you know, keeping their memory alive more than focusing on the means of death. That's probably really good advice. So what are some things that we can say or do for someone who has lost someone to suicide?
Tina Hoffman: We can simply say, "I'm sorry." We do not have to say, "I know how you're feeling," because unless we are that family, we don't know how they're feeling. We refer to the loss of the loved one by name. So if that person's name was John, we refer to John. We don't say your son or your daughter. We try to keep the memory alive by referring to them in their name. I always recommend just sitting with them. Sitting in silence is incredibly hard, but being that person just willing to sit there and have, you know, silent support is invaluable. We can do and offer specific errands, whether it's grocery delivery, maybe we need to make an airport run on their behalf to pick up other loved ones. There's ways we can support without the family having to tell us.
Scott Webb: I see what you mean, you know, personalizing it more, using the person's name in conversation, instead of saying your son or your daughter. Yeah, I think again, that's really great advice. And when you think about honoring someone's memory, right, honoring the memory of a loved one, what are some suggestions you have to do that in a really positive way?
Tina Hoffman: There are so many different ways. I would say first to be respectful of the person's culture and their religious belief. We don't want to tread where we should not. But when we're wanting to honor them, maybe we ask that family what it looks like for them. One of the ways I always recommend is to partner with American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They do a yearly walk and a lot of families who lose someone form a team and wear matching T-shirts, do some fundraising to continue on the conversation of suicide prevention in the recognition of these memory walks.
Another opportunity to help support someone is November is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. And maybe we simply send a card or send a text. I always recommend that on the person that has died by suicide's birthday to recognize to that family, because it's still important to them. If I know someone that lost someone to suicide and they were married, I simply acknowledge their anniversary if I know it. Holidays and days that are personalized to that family are still hard and they should be acknowledged no matter the means, the way someone passes.
Scott Webb: Yeah, I see what you mean. When we think about supporting people who've lost a loved one to suicide, how can we do that? I know you've talked about, you know, it's hard, those uncomfortable silences are difficult. It's hard for us to just be there and to listen, but what else do you suggest?
Tina Hoffman: I always suggest to go with that person to their initial appointments if they're going to see a counselor or a therapist for grief. Offer the suggestion of going to a support group that's specifically dedicated to the loss of a loved one to suicide. Be willing to go with them, even if that's not your story. Being that silent support breaks down the barrier of fear for someone that is afraid to go by themselves for the first time.
I also recommend offering to help when it's time to go through a loved one's closet or their belongings, whether it's at a family member's house or the person's house themselves. Be willing to go in and help with the hard chores of folding laundry and putting things in the donate piles. That's incredibly overwhelming, even no matter how we lose someone.
Other ways I always recommend is ask the family what they need. We can't always put our love on someone if we don't know how to give them some support as well, the family may have specific ways we could help support them.
Scott Webb: As we wrap up here today and, again, we're going to speak again. This is a sort of a two-part series. What would be your best advice if you believe that, you know, a loved one, a family member, a friend is considering suicide. How best can we help them? What should we do?
Tina Hoffman: If we know that someone has been thinking about suicide, we should ask them directly and calmly, if they are thinking about suicide. We cannot cause someone to think about suicide, either they are already thinking about it or they are not. If they're in immediate crisis, you should always call 911.
Scott Webb: Yeah, that's perfect. You know, when in doubt, err on the side of caution. As you say, we won't cause someone to commit suicide. And if nothing else, hopefully, and in the best case scenario, maybe calling 911, and being there for them might help to prevent suicide. So again, we're going to speak again soon. Thank you so much for your time today and you stay well
Tina Hoffman: Thank you.
Scott Webb: For more resources on talking about suicide, visit franciscanhealth.org or the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at afsp.org. And if you found this podcast helpful, please share it on your social channels and be sure to check out the full podcast library for additional topics of interest. This is the Franciscan Health Doc Pod. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well, and we'll talk again next time.
Scott Webb: There are certain topics that many of us find difficult to talk about and suicide is perhaps at the top of the list. And joining me today for the first of a two-part series on why it's important to talk about suicide, how we can talk about it and how we can help to prevent it is Tina Hoffman. She's the Community Health Improvement Coordinator at Franciscan Health.
This is the Franciscan Health Doc Pod. I'm Scott Webb. Tina, thanks so much for joining me today. This is part one of a two-part series about suicide, about how to talk about suicide, how to talk to people about suicide and everything sort of related to that. And, you know, it's a heavy subject matter, but it's great to have your expertise. And as we get rolling here, why are people hesitant to talk with others about suicide. Let's say, they've lost a loved one to suicide. Why is that so difficult to talk about?
Tina Hoffman: The reason I think that some people are so hesitant to talk about suicide is that it's scary. We are more comfortable as a society talking about someone that may have died in a car accident, because that is something we couldn't prevent. And with someone having thoughts of suicide or having lost someone to suicide, we typically want answers that are sometimes not available to be found.
Scott Webb: Yeah, I think about myself in this situation, having had some of these conversations, I think you're right. You know, it's one of those things where we want to sort of listen more than we talk, you know, and we're looking for answers that people may not have. And maybe we can just talk a little bit more, talk through this a little bit about why we struggle with those conversations and are there some things that we maybe should or shouldn't do or should or shouldn't say.
Tina Hoffman: The first thing I tell people, and I also have lost someone to suicide and I know how uncomfortable it can be, that you can just simply talk about their loved one. The means or the way someone dies by suicide doesn't have to be discussed. We could talk about the memory of that person. You know, I have told people to ask what that family member's favorite memory is of their loved one or our favorite memory of their loved one, to keep their memory alive and not focus on the means of their death. And it's none of our business to be perfectly honest. And if that family wants to talk about suicide, then we can sit down and listen to what happened.
Scott Webb: Yeah, I see what you mean, right? Focusing on the person, the memories, you know, keeping their memory alive more than focusing on the means of death. That's probably really good advice. So what are some things that we can say or do for someone who has lost someone to suicide?
Tina Hoffman: We can simply say, "I'm sorry." We do not have to say, "I know how you're feeling," because unless we are that family, we don't know how they're feeling. We refer to the loss of the loved one by name. So if that person's name was John, we refer to John. We don't say your son or your daughter. We try to keep the memory alive by referring to them in their name. I always recommend just sitting with them. Sitting in silence is incredibly hard, but being that person just willing to sit there and have, you know, silent support is invaluable. We can do and offer specific errands, whether it's grocery delivery, maybe we need to make an airport run on their behalf to pick up other loved ones. There's ways we can support without the family having to tell us.
Scott Webb: I see what you mean, you know, personalizing it more, using the person's name in conversation, instead of saying your son or your daughter. Yeah, I think again, that's really great advice. And when you think about honoring someone's memory, right, honoring the memory of a loved one, what are some suggestions you have to do that in a really positive way?
Tina Hoffman: There are so many different ways. I would say first to be respectful of the person's culture and their religious belief. We don't want to tread where we should not. But when we're wanting to honor them, maybe we ask that family what it looks like for them. One of the ways I always recommend is to partner with American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They do a yearly walk and a lot of families who lose someone form a team and wear matching T-shirts, do some fundraising to continue on the conversation of suicide prevention in the recognition of these memory walks.
Another opportunity to help support someone is November is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. And maybe we simply send a card or send a text. I always recommend that on the person that has died by suicide's birthday to recognize to that family, because it's still important to them. If I know someone that lost someone to suicide and they were married, I simply acknowledge their anniversary if I know it. Holidays and days that are personalized to that family are still hard and they should be acknowledged no matter the means, the way someone passes.
Scott Webb: Yeah, I see what you mean. When we think about supporting people who've lost a loved one to suicide, how can we do that? I know you've talked about, you know, it's hard, those uncomfortable silences are difficult. It's hard for us to just be there and to listen, but what else do you suggest?
Tina Hoffman: I always suggest to go with that person to their initial appointments if they're going to see a counselor or a therapist for grief. Offer the suggestion of going to a support group that's specifically dedicated to the loss of a loved one to suicide. Be willing to go with them, even if that's not your story. Being that silent support breaks down the barrier of fear for someone that is afraid to go by themselves for the first time.
I also recommend offering to help when it's time to go through a loved one's closet or their belongings, whether it's at a family member's house or the person's house themselves. Be willing to go in and help with the hard chores of folding laundry and putting things in the donate piles. That's incredibly overwhelming, even no matter how we lose someone.
Other ways I always recommend is ask the family what they need. We can't always put our love on someone if we don't know how to give them some support as well, the family may have specific ways we could help support them.
Scott Webb: As we wrap up here today and, again, we're going to speak again. This is a sort of a two-part series. What would be your best advice if you believe that, you know, a loved one, a family member, a friend is considering suicide. How best can we help them? What should we do?
Tina Hoffman: If we know that someone has been thinking about suicide, we should ask them directly and calmly, if they are thinking about suicide. We cannot cause someone to think about suicide, either they are already thinking about it or they are not. If they're in immediate crisis, you should always call 911.
Scott Webb: Yeah, that's perfect. You know, when in doubt, err on the side of caution. As you say, we won't cause someone to commit suicide. And if nothing else, hopefully, and in the best case scenario, maybe calling 911, and being there for them might help to prevent suicide. So again, we're going to speak again soon. Thank you so much for your time today and you stay well
Tina Hoffman: Thank you.
Scott Webb: For more resources on talking about suicide, visit franciscanhealth.org or the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at afsp.org. And if you found this podcast helpful, please share it on your social channels and be sure to check out the full podcast library for additional topics of interest. This is the Franciscan Health Doc Pod. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well, and we'll talk again next time.