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How To Ask Someone About Suicide
Don’t wait for the “perfect moment” to ask about suicide; that moment will never come. Ask anyway. Because suicide is too important to keep secret. Franciscan Health QPR and mental health first aid instructor Tina Hoffman shares how to start the conversation about suicide.
Featuring:
Tina Hoffman, B.S.
Tina Hoffmann joined Franciscan Health as Community Health Improvement Coordinator in October 2021. She has extensive experience in suicide prevention, crisis intervention, resilience and wellness and worked. In her last position, she served as the Indiana National Guard Suicide Prevention Program Manager where she was recognized by the Department of Defense for outstanding program in 2019 and was a presenter at the Department of Defense Suicide Prevention National Conference. Transcription:
Scott Webb: Today in part two of our series on suicide. Tina Hoffman, community health improvement coordinator at Franciscan Health and I, are gonna focus on the warning signs that somebody is considering suicide, the types of questions we can ask them and how we can ensure somebody's safety today. This is the Franciscan Health Doc Pod. I'm Scott Webb. So Tina, it's so great to have you back today. Last time we talked about speaking with family members and friends loved ones, who've lost someone to suicide. And today we're gonna talk more about how we sort of talk about suicide and what do we do if someone's considering suicide and all things related. So as we get rolling on this one here, why is it important just in general to talk about suicide?
Tina Hoffman: This is a difficult topic to talk about, right? Suicide is not something we want to bring to the forefront, but we know that thousands upon thousands of Americans are dying by suicide every day. And we want to bring more awareness of this topic because the more we talk about it, we're going to break down the stigma around it and make more people comfortable asking about suicide. And being aware of the signs that someone may be having a mental health crisis.
Scott Webb: Yeah. And that's what I wanted to ask you about next, because none of us want to overreact. Right. And we don't want to maybe call 911 and air too much on the side of caution. But what are the warning signs? Like what can we be on the lookout for that would give us some sense this person may be considering?
Tina Hoffman: There's never one telltale sign, unless someone directly tells you they're thinking about suicide, but I always can highlight the stereotypical changes, which includes changes in their behavior. If it's someone that is usually more outgoing, more talkative. Your relationship involves lots and lots of texting. And all of a sudden that person starts withdrawing from you. Less communication. That's a change in behavior. If you know that someone's giving away possessions and it doesn't have to be an expensive possession, but of valued possession. If someone, all of a sudden wants to give you a cat or a dog, maybe a favorite memento of a picture where you went on vacation.
That is a giving away a possession that could be an indicator. We should have conversation that something's going on. I always look for people that maybe are having a lot of sleeplessness. If there's a decrease in sleep patterns that can lead to impaired problem thought to impaired problem solving. And if they're not sleeping, maybe they're having high anxiety. Something's going on. If they have a increase or decrease interest in religion, right? We all have our own thoughts of what it would be like in the afterlife if there is such or our acts of suicide, including in religion, a lot of people have their own beliefs about that.
There could be an increase in that. If you know that someone is researching a weight or an act of suicide, whether it includes possibly stockpiling pills or acquiring a weapon, there definitely needs to be some conversation being had because that person is pulling a plan together. And we want to prevent that with having some conversation and medical intervention, if necessary.
Scott Webb: Yeah. And when we spoke last time, you gave us some good advice, maybe the best advice, for those of us who are sort of aware of some morning signs or worried about some morning signs, but I'd like to have you go over again. If we suspect that a loved one, a family member, a friend, or anybody really is contemplating suicide. What should we do?
Tina Hoffman: What we want to do is we want to be calm and we want to ask the person, if they're having thoughts of suicide. If they answer yes, then we would talk to them further. Do they have a plan? Is there actions that need to be taken? I do want to clarify asking someone about thoughts of suicide will not make someone suicidal. They are already thinking about it, or they are not. We cannot put that in their head.
Scott Webb: Yeah. And you mentioned last time also, like when, in doubt, call 911. Right?
Tina Hoffman: Yes. If you know that someone is in immediate danger and that means that they have a weapon or they have pills, or they are very ready to die today in the moment. And they cannot have any sort of conversation with you. You should always call 911.
Scott Webb: Yeah. As I said that's probably the best advice that we're gonna get. And you talk about sort of like if they have these instruments or a plan and you believe that they intend to do themselves harm or try to end their life today, for example, how can we make sure they're safe now? Right. We worry about tomorrow when we get to tomorrow, but how do we ensure their safety today?
Tina Hoffman: The one thing that I always want to make sure I'm telling people is we will not put ourselves in danger trying to help someone else. If that person has a weapon, just because that weapon may be pointed at them, doesn't mean that bullets can't ricochet, please do not ever put yourselves in danger. But some things that we can ask is what has happened? What has happened to get to someone, to the point where they're having thoughts or actions of suicide? How can we help that person? How can we help support you while you're going through this? I'm so sorry it's happened to you that I'm sorry that you're hurting and that I care for you.
Scott Webb: Yeah. And I'm sure a big part of that is letting someone know that they're seen, right. That they're cared for that they matter. Right?
Tina Hoffman: Absolutely. So many people when they're struggling through something such as a mental health crisis, they do withdraw or they don't feel seen or valued. And a lot of times we, as a society will dismiss people having thoughts or actions of suicide, if we don't feel like their reason behind it is important to us. We have a youth mental health crisis in this country and we tend to devalue that youth have something going on.
Scott Webb: Well, Tina, I think that one of the most difficult things is just starting the conversation, right? You and I are having this conversation today and we hope that it helps to raise awareness and educate folks. But for those of us who need, unfortunately, to have these conversations, how can we learn better to have these conversations?
Tina Hoffman: There are so many different classes that you can take typically with low fee or no charge whatsoever. I always recommend that you can start with a basic class called question, persuade, refer it's called QPR and it is a two hour class that goes through how to understand how to ask the question about suicide. How to have the conversation with someone, if they say yes, and then the R is the refer. How to take them to a medical professional, whether it's a doctor or a therapist, taking them to someone else. Another class that we offer at Franciscan is called Asist, applied suicide intervention skills training.
It's a two day intensive class where we teach you how to do a full intervention with someone that you think that may be having thoughts as suicide. We teach how to ask the question, how to have full intervention, and how to build a safety plan for them afterward. Because we won't always take everyone to the hospital. If they're having thoughts of suicide, we also offer youth mental health first aid, which is an eight hour class that covers a variety of mental health topics. That's prevalent in our youth in this day and age. You can find all these classes, online and all the different areas of your neighborhoods from a variety of places. And we hope that you look for them.
Scott Webb: As we wrap up here, what would you say to someone who's feeling uncomfortable about starting the conversation as we've referenced here? This having the conversation? Because I feel like the last thing I would ever want is to have that regret, that I didn't have the conversation that I didn't. Ask the right questions that I lost a loved one or a friend to suicide, and maybe I could have helped. Maybe I could have intervened. So what would you say to someone about just starting that conversation with someone whom they believe is having suicidal thoughts?
Tina Hoffman: It is so scary. Right? And we love people. We worry that we are going to say the wrong thing. I can tell you from experience that. Is saying the wrong thing. Being able to engage with that person shows that you care and that you want to be there and asking the question about suicide and being patient to hear their story, whatever it looks like is just an ultimate act of being able to care for your loved one or your friend, or even a stranger. This is the only preventable death we have in the world is suicide. And the ability to sit down and just be with someone during the time of crisis is just such an immeasurable gift.
Scott Webb: It really is. And the word you use there preventable, that this is preventable. It's difficult. It's hard to start these conversations, difficult questions to ask, but, if we do that, especially with a loved one or friend, we might be able to save someone's life. And that's really the goal here, of this two part episode that we did. So, Tina, thanks again. Stay well.
Tina Hoffman: Thank you Scott for having me.
Scott Webb: if you or someone you love is having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. And if you found this podcast to be helpful, please share it on your social channels and be sure to check out the full podcast library for additional topics of interest. This is the Franciscan Health Doc Pod. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well, and we'll talk again next time.
Scott Webb: Today in part two of our series on suicide. Tina Hoffman, community health improvement coordinator at Franciscan Health and I, are gonna focus on the warning signs that somebody is considering suicide, the types of questions we can ask them and how we can ensure somebody's safety today. This is the Franciscan Health Doc Pod. I'm Scott Webb. So Tina, it's so great to have you back today. Last time we talked about speaking with family members and friends loved ones, who've lost someone to suicide. And today we're gonna talk more about how we sort of talk about suicide and what do we do if someone's considering suicide and all things related. So as we get rolling on this one here, why is it important just in general to talk about suicide?
Tina Hoffman: This is a difficult topic to talk about, right? Suicide is not something we want to bring to the forefront, but we know that thousands upon thousands of Americans are dying by suicide every day. And we want to bring more awareness of this topic because the more we talk about it, we're going to break down the stigma around it and make more people comfortable asking about suicide. And being aware of the signs that someone may be having a mental health crisis.
Scott Webb: Yeah. And that's what I wanted to ask you about next, because none of us want to overreact. Right. And we don't want to maybe call 911 and air too much on the side of caution. But what are the warning signs? Like what can we be on the lookout for that would give us some sense this person may be considering?
Tina Hoffman: There's never one telltale sign, unless someone directly tells you they're thinking about suicide, but I always can highlight the stereotypical changes, which includes changes in their behavior. If it's someone that is usually more outgoing, more talkative. Your relationship involves lots and lots of texting. And all of a sudden that person starts withdrawing from you. Less communication. That's a change in behavior. If you know that someone's giving away possessions and it doesn't have to be an expensive possession, but of valued possession. If someone, all of a sudden wants to give you a cat or a dog, maybe a favorite memento of a picture where you went on vacation.
That is a giving away a possession that could be an indicator. We should have conversation that something's going on. I always look for people that maybe are having a lot of sleeplessness. If there's a decrease in sleep patterns that can lead to impaired problem thought to impaired problem solving. And if they're not sleeping, maybe they're having high anxiety. Something's going on. If they have a increase or decrease interest in religion, right? We all have our own thoughts of what it would be like in the afterlife if there is such or our acts of suicide, including in religion, a lot of people have their own beliefs about that.
There could be an increase in that. If you know that someone is researching a weight or an act of suicide, whether it includes possibly stockpiling pills or acquiring a weapon, there definitely needs to be some conversation being had because that person is pulling a plan together. And we want to prevent that with having some conversation and medical intervention, if necessary.
Scott Webb: Yeah. And when we spoke last time, you gave us some good advice, maybe the best advice, for those of us who are sort of aware of some morning signs or worried about some morning signs, but I'd like to have you go over again. If we suspect that a loved one, a family member, a friend, or anybody really is contemplating suicide. What should we do?
Tina Hoffman: What we want to do is we want to be calm and we want to ask the person, if they're having thoughts of suicide. If they answer yes, then we would talk to them further. Do they have a plan? Is there actions that need to be taken? I do want to clarify asking someone about thoughts of suicide will not make someone suicidal. They are already thinking about it, or they are not. We cannot put that in their head.
Scott Webb: Yeah. And you mentioned last time also, like when, in doubt, call 911. Right?
Tina Hoffman: Yes. If you know that someone is in immediate danger and that means that they have a weapon or they have pills, or they are very ready to die today in the moment. And they cannot have any sort of conversation with you. You should always call 911.
Scott Webb: Yeah. As I said that's probably the best advice that we're gonna get. And you talk about sort of like if they have these instruments or a plan and you believe that they intend to do themselves harm or try to end their life today, for example, how can we make sure they're safe now? Right. We worry about tomorrow when we get to tomorrow, but how do we ensure their safety today?
Tina Hoffman: The one thing that I always want to make sure I'm telling people is we will not put ourselves in danger trying to help someone else. If that person has a weapon, just because that weapon may be pointed at them, doesn't mean that bullets can't ricochet, please do not ever put yourselves in danger. But some things that we can ask is what has happened? What has happened to get to someone, to the point where they're having thoughts or actions of suicide? How can we help that person? How can we help support you while you're going through this? I'm so sorry it's happened to you that I'm sorry that you're hurting and that I care for you.
Scott Webb: Yeah. And I'm sure a big part of that is letting someone know that they're seen, right. That they're cared for that they matter. Right?
Tina Hoffman: Absolutely. So many people when they're struggling through something such as a mental health crisis, they do withdraw or they don't feel seen or valued. And a lot of times we, as a society will dismiss people having thoughts or actions of suicide, if we don't feel like their reason behind it is important to us. We have a youth mental health crisis in this country and we tend to devalue that youth have something going on.
Scott Webb: Well, Tina, I think that one of the most difficult things is just starting the conversation, right? You and I are having this conversation today and we hope that it helps to raise awareness and educate folks. But for those of us who need, unfortunately, to have these conversations, how can we learn better to have these conversations?
Tina Hoffman: There are so many different classes that you can take typically with low fee or no charge whatsoever. I always recommend that you can start with a basic class called question, persuade, refer it's called QPR and it is a two hour class that goes through how to understand how to ask the question about suicide. How to have the conversation with someone, if they say yes, and then the R is the refer. How to take them to a medical professional, whether it's a doctor or a therapist, taking them to someone else. Another class that we offer at Franciscan is called Asist, applied suicide intervention skills training.
It's a two day intensive class where we teach you how to do a full intervention with someone that you think that may be having thoughts as suicide. We teach how to ask the question, how to have full intervention, and how to build a safety plan for them afterward. Because we won't always take everyone to the hospital. If they're having thoughts of suicide, we also offer youth mental health first aid, which is an eight hour class that covers a variety of mental health topics. That's prevalent in our youth in this day and age. You can find all these classes, online and all the different areas of your neighborhoods from a variety of places. And we hope that you look for them.
Scott Webb: As we wrap up here, what would you say to someone who's feeling uncomfortable about starting the conversation as we've referenced here? This having the conversation? Because I feel like the last thing I would ever want is to have that regret, that I didn't have the conversation that I didn't. Ask the right questions that I lost a loved one or a friend to suicide, and maybe I could have helped. Maybe I could have intervened. So what would you say to someone about just starting that conversation with someone whom they believe is having suicidal thoughts?
Tina Hoffman: It is so scary. Right? And we love people. We worry that we are going to say the wrong thing. I can tell you from experience that. Is saying the wrong thing. Being able to engage with that person shows that you care and that you want to be there and asking the question about suicide and being patient to hear their story, whatever it looks like is just an ultimate act of being able to care for your loved one or your friend, or even a stranger. This is the only preventable death we have in the world is suicide. And the ability to sit down and just be with someone during the time of crisis is just such an immeasurable gift.
Scott Webb: It really is. And the word you use there preventable, that this is preventable. It's difficult. It's hard to start these conversations, difficult questions to ask, but, if we do that, especially with a loved one or friend, we might be able to save someone's life. And that's really the goal here, of this two part episode that we did. So, Tina, thanks again. Stay well.
Tina Hoffman: Thank you Scott for having me.
Scott Webb: if you or someone you love is having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988. And if you found this podcast to be helpful, please share it on your social channels and be sure to check out the full podcast library for additional topics of interest. This is the Franciscan Health Doc Pod. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well, and we'll talk again next time.