5 Reasons to Stop Seeking Acceptance from People Who Won’t Accept You
Running around trying to please everyone can be an exhausting job and could possibly harm your health.
It is fascinating how often we crave the acceptance and approval of those who simply won't accept us. It's an unhealthy pattern to continually pursue people who reject you, even though you may not see it right away.
You may do this because you see your lovability as directly related to their approval... so, you might keep trying to be better do more.
You do this so you can approve of your own self through another person's approval of you, as if their approval finally makes you feel "good enough."
How can you recognize this behavior and finally stop seeking acceptance from people who don't accept you?
The healthiest way out of this pattern is to look at why you believe you need the acceptance of certain people. Do these people determine your worth? Should you have to prove yourself all the time, only to hear that you're not measuring up? If so, you are not picking the right people to have relationships with.
So, what are some reasons why you should stop trying to seek acceptance from these people?
- Some just aren't going to like you.
- Others don't determine your worth.
- It is a waste of emotional energy.
- It is more powerful to let go.
- Who cares! People are just people.
Sherrie Campbell, PhD, shares five reasons why you should stop seeking acceptance from people who don't accept you.
Featuring:
Sherrie Campbell, PhD
Sherrie Campbell, PhD, is a veteran licensed Psychologist with two decades of clinical training and experience providing counseling and psychotherapy services to residents of Yorba Linda, Irvine, Anaheim, Fullerton and Brea, California.
In her private practice, she currently specializes in psychotherapy with adults and teenagers, including marriage and family therapy, grief counselling, childhood trauma, sexual issues, personality disorders, illness and more. She has helped individuals manage their highest high and survive their lowest low—from winning the lottery to the death of a child.
Her interactive sessions are as unique and impactful as her new book,
Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person.She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology in 2003 and has regularly contributes to numerous publications, including Intent.com, Beliefnet.com, DrLaura.com and Hitched.com. She is also an inspirational speaker, avid writer and proud mother.
Transcription:
RadioMD Presents: HER Radio | Original Air Date: April 16, 2015
Host: Michelle King Robson and Pam Peeke, MD
Dr. Pam Peeke founder of the Peeke Performance Center and renowned nutrition and fitness expert, and Michelle King Robson, leading women's advocate, cut through the confusion and share the naked, bottom line truth about all things woman. It's HER Radio.
PAM: Alright. So, there are so many out there who just want everyone to love them. And, Michelle, you ain't one of them.
MICHELLE: I used to be. I used to be. Then, I turned 50 and it all changed.
PAM: That's right.
SHERRIE: Good girl, Michelle. Good girl.
MICHELLE: Thank you. Thank you.
PAM: That's right.
MICHELLE: Our expert.
PAM: That wonderful little voice you just heard was Dr. Sherrie Campbell who, is the author of Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person and she's going to understand how this whole thing works. We have five reasons to stop seeking acceptance from people who just don't accept you.
So, first, welcome to HER Radio, Sherrie, and we want to hope right into this because this is really cool stuff.
So, let's start with number one. Some people just aren't going to like us. Tell us, Sherrie, what's that all about?
SHERRIE: I actually believe in life that there's a certain percentage of people we're going to meet that aren't going to like us, no matter what we do. So, I think it's better to accept it than to continue to try to get those people to like you because if someone doesn't like you, it has a lot more to do with them than it has anything to do with you. I say, move on from those people. You don't need to try to change their opinion. Their idea of you shouldn't determine your worth.
MICHELLE: Boy, no kidding. I mean, you can't control somebody else's emotions anyway, Sherrie. Right? I mean, you have to look at that and go, "I can only control myself and that's it." But, so how do we accept that when we can't make everyone happy because we are women and that's what we want to do. So, how do we deal with the impact that it has on our self-esteem because women are...They want to be liked.
SHERRIE: They do. Women seem to have this horrible fear of someone being mad at them or someone not liking them. If that's the reality that a woman lives in, she's going to be horribly let down. I really believe that if you become centered on yourself—not self-centered—but centered on yourself and your focused on your passions and your dreams and becoming whole, you will find the people that are going to be like you and attracted to you. The rest, who don't like you, they usually don't like you either because they want to be you or are jealous of you or they hate themselves. You can't change that.
PAM: I love that. I love that.
MICHELLE: Yeah. That's so true.
PAM: This really goes hand in hand with your five realities about people. So, the first one is, some just aren't going to like us. Okay. Get over it already.
MICHELLE: Exactly.
PAM: The second one is, others don't determine our worth. That's so true and what you just said basically says that. I mean, you should never feel as though someone else's words are going to define your worth and who you are and then the third one, it's a waste of emotional energy. Tell us about that one.
SHERRIE: When we really are spinning our wheels to work hard to get the acceptance and approval we want from someone else and we continue to get the same rejection, at some point, you've got to realize you're a hamster running in a wheel. The scenery is not changing. So, you get to decide how long you're going to waste your time there. I wouldn't suggest anyone spend a whole lot of time doing that. You have to respect yourself enough to, at some point, move on and just know when enough is enough because you just cannot influence another person. Let them be. Let them walk their path. You will feel such relief when you get past needing their approval and the freedom that you'll feel once you get unhooked to be yourself is absolutely liberating
PAM: Liberating.
MICHELLE: It is. It's completely liberating. So, let's talk about, is it more powerful to let go? I already know the answer to this question because I've been doing this lately and it's, whew! It's been hugely powerful, but tell us what you think, Sherrie.
SHERRIE: I think that it takes a lot more courage to let go than it does to hang on.
MICHELLE: Amen.
SHERRIE: The reason I say that is because when you let go, you are going to face a feeling of your stark aloneness and so many women, especially, are afraid to be alone, that they would rather be connected to somebody who makes them miserable.
MICHELLE: Exactly.
SHERRIE: Kind of thing.
MICHELLE: Yeah.
SHERRIE: But, if someone has to break you to fix themselves, there's a problem.
PAM: Oh, I love that. Say that one more time. That's very powerful. If someone has to break you to fix themselves, there's a problem.
MICHELLE: And that's women. Women do that all the time. Yeah.
PAM: It's so woman. It's so woman to do that. And, they put up with so much crap. You know? And they should have just let go somewhere along the line. It just blows your mind. But, you know, as women, I think all of us have been there. I'm sure you have, too, right, Sherrie?
SHERRIE: Oh, my gosh. Yes! I don't know that I would have been able to write this had I not been on the other side.
MICHELLE: That's why she wrote the book.
(laughter)
SHERRIE: You know?
MICHELLE: Yeah.
SHERRIE: I was sort of born into this type of...This isn't just men or partners or friends, this is family, sometimes, too.
MICHELLE: Exactly.
SHERRIE: So, you have to be able to have the courage to find yourself and being alone can be hard. You go through some stages of shattering and all these other things that we don't want to find. But, if you can hold on and not go back to the people that need to break you to feel good, you will find that you can soar above and get the deserving kind of love that you want.
MICHELLE: Right. So, how...
SHERRIE: When you stay around people who break you, you're ripped away from the soaring kind of love you deserve.
MICHELLE: So, how can we choose to let negative people bring us down? To not let negative bring us down is what I'm trying to say.
SHERRIE: Well, what I always tell my patients is, "People are just people. They aren't power." Right? We either give someone a power or not, but it's an agreement that we make and some women get into the idea that they're forced there. Well, no one is forced anywhere, right? If you're born with a courageous heart of a lion and you choose to live as a mouse, then that's a choice you're making, right? So, it is about courage, but a lot of them will say, "Well, I don't have courage." And I'll say, "Well, you just have courage by doing courageous things. At some point, you have to step out and do it and there's the unknown and there's the risk and there's all that stuff. Yes, if you do it, the greatest gift you give the other people, right? If you really want these people to learn, you don't want to give more to them.
PAM:Right. Right.
SHERRIE: You want to give them the natural consequences that their behavior would cause which would be loss.
MICHELLE: Boundaries.
PAM:Boundaries. So, let's just go to...I want to do a quick recap here, so I want to make sure all the women out there on HER Radio are hearing this. So, the five realities about people: some just aren't going to like us. Okay. Others don't determine our worth. You've got that right. It is a waste of emotional energy—I call them energy vampires. It is more powerful to let go, as Michelle said so beautifully. Then, finally, who cares? People are just people. They're not powers unless you let them be powers which is where the rub is, isn't that correct?
SHERRIE: Yes. I think that we rub against these people almost as a gift because they are the things that challenge us. It's the counter force that challenges you. That who are you going to love; are you going to give yourself away or are you going to learn to love yourself? If you learn to love yourself, you will be unstoppable and you're a better lover of other people and a better chooser.
MICHELLE: That's so true. It's really so true that statement that you just made. You know, that's what women need to embrace. Women also need to embrace other women and quit--
SHERRIE: Oh, gosh.
MICHELLE: And quit backstabbing, nitpicking, gossiping, all the things that women...We need to come together as a community. We've not done that. Men do that very well. We don't do that well at all.
SHERRIE: Men do it very well. Women really have a jealousy issue and one of the things I feel like is I'm all for nice things and being beautiful and all that, but the kindness of your character needs to say more about you than what's on your handbag.
PAM: Right. And, I want everyone out there to hear that. It's the kindness of character. We've been talking to Dr. Sherrie Campbell who is the author of Loving Yourself: The Mastery of Being Your Own Person. She's helped us with the 5 reasons to stop seeking acceptance from people who don't accept you.
Thank you, Dr. Campbell, for being on HER Radio. I'm Dr. Pam Peeke with Michelle King Robson.
MICHELLE: Ladies, mastering being your own person is starting with loving yourself. You're listening to HER Radio on RadioMD. Follow us on Twitter. Like us on Facebook. Stay well.
