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RadioMD presents: HER Radio | Original Air Date: April 23, 2015
Host: Michelle King Robson & Pam Peeke, MD

Dr. Pam Peeke, New York Times best-selling author and founder of the Peeke Performance Center, and Michelle King Robson, leading women's advocate, entrepreneur and founder of EmpowHER.com host the show everyone's talking about. It's time for HER Radio.

PAM: I'm Dr. Pam Peeke. Michelle's off today. So, I'm reading the Huffington Post and I'm reading this fabulous piece about 9 things successful couples do differently. So, I said, "Hmm. This is perfect for HER Radio." We've got the expert, Kali Rogers, who is the CEO and founder of Blush and the website is JoinBlush.com. This is all about leading a team of life coaches to be able to help girls and women understand how to empower themselves. I just absolutely love this.

So, Kali, welcome to HER Radio. We want to understand those 9 things that successful couples do differently. First, tell us about Blush.

KALI: Hi. Well, thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. So, Blush is all online and, like you said, it's about life coaches helping girls from across the globe boost self-confidence, work out those issues and do it in a place where they don't feel judged. So, we love it. It's so much fun. We're growing day by day and it's just a blast.

PAM: Oh, I love it. So, let's just take this wonderful topic of what makes successful couples do it so well. So, let's go there. The first element that you brought up was, they're not afraid to fight. Get right on in there for those little boxing gloves. So, what's going on with that one?

KALI: Right. So, I feel like nowadays when couples say like, "Oh, we get along really well. We're doing great. We never fight." That's a trigger to me. It's like, "Uh oh. What do you mean you never fight?" I mean, everybody disagrees about something and so, when couples aren't fighting, I think they're not comfortable letting their true colors show. They don't want to disagree. There's maybe a lack of trust. Like if they feel like if they say something, the other one might go. "Oh, I don't like that. I'm going to leave you now." So, couples who fight are really showing who they are and they're working for a better relationship. They don't have to be nasty fights. They don't need to be disrespectful.

PAM: Gotcha.

KALI: But, I think arguments are important.

PAM: Well, okay. So, now you've argued. Let's go to the second one. They apologize and bounce back quickly. Ew! I like that one.

KALI: Yes, this is important. I actually had, in my own experiencing, I realized I wasn't apologizing enough and that's not respectful. You know? After you hurt someone's feelings, whether it's intentionally or unintentionally, I think it's a good idea for both parties to say, "You know, I'm sorry. Whoops. You know, that wasn't very nice of me." It's a sign of respect. Then, both parties at that point have got to move on.

PAM: I know.

KALI: You can't let fights last forever.

PAM: You've got it.

KALI: It's important. It's important just to bounce back. Go have fun. It's over now.

PAM: Very good. Then, the third one is, they lean on each other. What does that mean?

KALI: So, I think that nowadays, it's time for women to come to the party. We're equals now and I'm a huge advocate of couples who act like partners. They lean on each other. They respect each other. Everyone holds equal weight and they're just each other's counsel and they protect each other and they support each other. I think that's what's going to make modern relationships work relay well, especially for women.

PAM: Excellent. Then, here's something important. They don't compare their relationship.

KALI: Yes. This is huge and this is something that I've had to work on a lot even recently. Being from Texas, you now, most of my friends are getting married. It's just kind of the culture in the south to do that early and I'm sitting out here in L.A. and, no, I'm not married. But, I'm realizing that doesn't mean my relationship isn't just as legitimate as anyone else's and that's the important part. You've got to just center it in on the two of you because if you start extrapolating and looking at other people's relationships, you're not going to like what you see because everybody 's relationship is different.

PAM: You've got it. It's unique. Now, this next one is a cute alert! Cute alert! They use each other's love language.

KALI: Yes. Yes. This is Important. I mean, I think everybody likes all of the love languages, right? I mean, who doesn't? One would be giving gifts and paying attention to you and, you know, acts of service, but it's really important to understand that everyone has priorities in this.

PAM: Gotcha.

KALI: And, if somebody likes to be touched, well, try and implement that. That might be the way that a fight ends. You reach out. You touch them. You're showing them that you care. It's important to get in that mentality of realizing not everybody's love language is the same.

PAM: Well, that's why I love that book.

KALI: My partner might not have the same one as me.

PAM: That's why I love, The Five Love Languages.

KALI: Yeah.

PAM: And, I think that's a fantastic book that people should buy because it really gives you a chance to be able to understand love languages and respect them. Here's your next point: they don't let the past get in the way. Rut Roh. So many people out there are dragging in, "Three years ago, you did X, Y Z to me," and they won't let it go. Grr. This is a problem.

KALI: Yes. And this is kind of...It kind of goes with the "They bounce back quickly," as well. Just like leave the past where it is because there's really no arbitrary point where all of a sudden, something's not relevant anymore. There's no rule for that. So, we've just got to keep there and, of course, what I see on a daily basis with the girls that I coach are ex's. It's the ex-girlfriend that is all of a sudden really relevant in your current relationship and it shouldn't be.

PAM: Got you. There you go.

KALI: And, that's where fights just go crazy.

PAM: Get out of the past, folks. Get out of the past.

KALI: Yes.

PAM: Now, here's...We've got three more to go. Here's the next one. They take care of themselves. Oh, boy. That's right up my line, as a doctor. They take care of themselves. I would imagine "mind, body and spirit", right?

KALI: Yes. Absolutely. And, I think, also, just being aware that your relationship's not going to be perfect and that's fine. So, you need to go and help yourself be the best version of yourself in order to give to this relationship. I think the more and more you focus on becoming a better person, meditating, going to counseling, whatever it is you need to do, it's going to show in your relationship.

PAM: I love it. It definitely reflects in any way that you communicate with that other person and two more. They know when to take 5 minutes. Explain that.

KALI: So, this is two parts, really, but one of them is sometimes in a fight, you're too flooded. You're too escalated. You just need to calm down and so it's best to take 5 and let yourselves regain that rational part of your mind so that you could come back and be like, "Okay. Yeah. I understand what you're saying now." The other part of it is, most of the time, introverts and extroverts are attracted to each other and it's really smart for that to become relevant in your relationship. You have to realize that your introverted partner might need to take 5.

PAM: Oh, yeah.

KALI: He or she might not need to be around people all the time.

PAM: I love it.

KALI: The extrovert...

PAM: And, that's important.

KALI: Right. Right. So, it kind of has a double meaning. But, both are important.

PAM: Okay. Now, help us understand this last one. They don't help shame. What does that mean?
KALI: Well, I had to come up with a very easy way to explain this. So, I call it "help shaming". Right? But, basically, what this means is if you two are going to be equal partners, then you both are going to have responsibilities in the relationship and so when someone takes the effort to go do the dishes, do this, make the bed, the other person can't be sitting there over their shoulder like, "You didn't do that right." We have got to embrace the effort that we put into the relationship. So, if you're help shaming like, "Oh, I see that you helped, but I'm going to shame you for the way you did it," well, who's going to want to help you anymore? It's not fun.

PAM: No. I know. I know. You're going down that slippery slope. It's a shame, blame, guilt thing.

KALI: Yes.

PAM: And, we don't need that.

KALI: No.

PAM: And, shaming is a terrible thing to do in a relationship. That's just like, we don't need the shame thing. So, bag the shame game is, basically, what you're saying. Instead, why don't we all take a breath and just be grateful? Express a little gratitude for the person right in front of us. Show some compassion and forgiveness if something funky did happen and then just do the best you can to work with that person. Why not? I mean, it's the coolest thing.

KALI: Yes.

PAM: I just love this. We've been talking to Kali Rogers and she is the CEO founder of Blush and her website is JoinBlush.com, fabulous life coaching service. She's helped us understand the 9 things that successful couples do differently that make them so successful. Everything from they're not afraid to fight, to they don't shame each other and they put the past behind them already. Kali, thank you so much for being on HER Radio.

I'm Dr. Pam Peeke with Michelle King Robson. Listen to HER Radio all the time and whatever you do, like us on Facebook. Follow us on Twitter and stay well.