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RadioMD Presents: HER Radio | Original Air Date: April 30, 2015
Host: Michelle King Robson and Pam Peeke, MD

Dr. Pam Peeke, New York Times best-selling author and founder of the Peeke Performance Center, and Michelle King Robson, leading women's advocate, entrepreneur, and founder of empowHER.com, host the show everyone's talking about. It's time for HER radio.

PAM: Hi, I'm Dr. Pam Peeke. Michelle's off today.
Oh boy, now I've got a good one for you out there in HER radioland. How do you motivate your spouse, or partner, for that matter, to work out? Ok! That's right! Go ahead and grimace at me. I know what you're thinking out there! Oh, my Gosh! So, there's no one on the planet who can help us better with this than our own RadioMD Melanie Cole, who has a Master's Degree in physiology and is Director of Operations at RadioMD where she's also a show host. Welcome to Her Radio, Melanie.

MELANIE: Thank you, Dr. Peeke. Always happy to be here with you.

PAM: So, you know, here's the deal. So, how to motivate your spouse to work out? Oh. honey, you know, just choose the right spouse. No, I'm just kidding. You know, I mean I feel like I'm just laughing because I actually found mine in a gym! That's right, you just troll gyms until you get somebody who looks like they're working out and then you go, "Yeah! You're the one!" So, I don't have to deal this whole issue. So, okay. The New York Times had a wonderful article very recently. All about the big pains and trials of trying to get your spouse up off the couch. Here you are popping up with the little sparrows in the morning. Working out, doing your little thing. And you just can't just seem to get that spouse to even budge. So, what do you do, Melanie?

MELANIE: Well, so, I read that article, too, but other than--and we'll talk about that-- but other than crying, nagging, demanding, screaming, I think guilt works probably the best and while I think that being the Jewish wife and mother that I am. Oh, boy, we know how to guilt!

PAM: Oh Yeah!

MELANIE: There are certain...I mean, really! And there are certain components, too, when you have a spouse that doesn't exercise that you have to look at. So, you look at first of all, are they intimidated by your exercise? You don't want to be their personal trainer. You don't want to be condescending. So, you don't want to act like, "Why don't you exercise? Come on, I'll show you how to do it."

Encouragement is one thing but becoming their trainer is a little bit demeaning. So, and that's a problem here in my household because I am a trainer but it certainly is something that people, you know, reel away from. They coil away from it. So, when you want to get your spouse the exercise, there are certain things you want to do to encourage him. And, that study showed that as couples got older, their exercise routine tended to become more similar and that they...You know, you see those older couples walking at night after dinner.

PAM: Yeah. Yeah. All the time. Oh, Yeah.

MELANIE: And, you want to be those guys and it's like, can I say to my husband, "Come on. Let's be that guy. Let's be that couple." And it's not easy as people think.

So, it does happen gradually. But at the beginning you have to sort of ask yourself, "Why aren't they exercising? What is stopping them from exercising? Am I too intimidating?" And then, you look towards those positive reinforcements using the future. You know, saying. "Well, I want to be around for our daughter's graduation, or wedding," or, you know, whatever it is. So, there are certain ways and the studies show that as couples age, it tends to go together. But in the middle ages and the younger couples, you've got to figure out your way to get there.

PAM: Yes. Yes. You've a got to look at motivation. You've got to go to that really deep place. Why? You know what? Do they have some kind of stereotypical feeling about exercise itself? Is it just always a pain? There's no joy involved? Maybe they haven't figured out exactly what it is what they really do like to do. I like the whole issue of buddying up and partnering with them as well.

One of my patients was evil one day and she said, "Oh, I've got a really neat way to do it and that is to say , "Well, I'm going to take walk in the park now, and now, of course, if I don't come back it's because someone's abducted me. Well, I suppose you could live with that for the rest of your life because you weren't there to save me" and he popped up off ... Oh yeah.

That was worth, I don't know, it was like it at least a thousand guilt points. And he immediately he pops up off the couch. And guess what? He also found out it was a boatload of fun because she brought along a Frisbee, and you know, it was just sort of a beautiful day and maybe you need to just sort of get on out there and try it just once. You know?

MELANIE: Well, you do. And another good one is competition. So, you know, our spouses may want a better us.

PAM: Ew!

MELANIE: So, if you get everybody a pedometer or a FitBit something. And you just say, "Oh, it's fine , honey, you don't have to exercise today because I'm going to get the most of this week" and then guess what? You got to buy me flowers. Or you got to buy me dinner and then they'll be like, "No way! You are going to buy me dinner," and then all of a sudden the competition turns the whole family into exercisers to where people running up and down the stairs just to get extra steps to see who gets the most.

PAM: Well, you know, the other thing, too, is, Melanie, let's look at this issue fun. I'm tired of, you know, I mean look, I'm an athlete, you're an athlete. So, we're kind of write offs. But, let's look at wonderful people out there see this is a drudge, you know? There's not the treadmill, it's a dreadmill. You know? And it just goes on and on. Right? So, what about injecting fun? How about dance? What about getting together and doing something really fun? Just getting up and moving a making this a sort of a couple thing. What other fun things can people do?

MELANIE: Well, you can. So, you can make it fun. As you say, you can dance. You can jump around. You can. We keep music on all the time. And I'm forever grabbing my husband and my kids and dancing around with them to try and get them and...And the smiles and everything, but making it fun in a great way. Getting out with the kids, throwing the Frisbee. throwing the ball around. Gardening. Saying, "Come on. I need help moving these bushes or something." Right there you're getting your spouse to exercise and improve the house which is certainly a whole way a double plus.

PAM: I know. They're sort of like, you know, "Clean up that garage while you're at it." You know? So...

MELANIE: Well, yeah! And if you just start doing those things and they're sort of,
"Okay. I'll help you." But making it by encouraging those small steps. You know, just asking them to take that walk, asking them to help you garden. You know? Asking is the big key. I don't always do that that well. Sometimes I tell. But, you know, asking is certainly what the experts say is preferable to just telling or demanding.

PAM: Well, I also like the give and take thing, Melanie. And that is, "If you do this, I'll do that." And that's just kind of a neat way to maybe just say, "Look, I'm going to do something for you. You wanted a special meal cooked, you wanted this and that. If you'll just do this one thing with me, let's both hop on our bikes. Let's both take that walk. Let's both..." Just fill in the blank. I think that that's also a cool couple thing because it sort of encourages a little bit of that, "I understand you well enough to be able to gift you with this, and if I get something in return that shows that you really understand me. Does that make sense?"

MELANIE: It does and you know what? There have been a lot of studies that I can't cite right now but that couples that work out together have a better sex life.

PAM: Yeah! Yeah!

MELANIE: So, you know if you look at that and you say the give and take. You know, there's always the little cajoling in that way because both of you are going to feel better about your bodies. Your self-esteem is going to be better. The endorphins are released. You know, maybe a little hot and sweaty workout. You know all of that can go together to make a real nice sex life. So, that encouragement right there to getting your spouse to exercise. It's kind of offering up those other pluses that go along with feeling better and exercising.

PAM: I highly recommend everyone just put that on a big poster, and put it right in the master bathroom or somewhere and that is, "Working out together improves sex life," and then maybe stick the pink pills near it or something. I don't know. To be ugly. Just get it done.

MELANIE: But, you know, you can get sweaty together and then you don't even have to, you know, change or do anything. There you are. You're already sweaty and smelly and so you just go from there. But there are certain ways to do it and you just have to be encouraging. Don't condescend. Don't act like their trainer. Don't use too much guilt, but a little never hurt. And, you know, taking those small steps and making it fun. That's the way to get your spouse to exercise.

PAM: And you know my favourite one of all? It's to just look deeply into that spouse's eyes and say, "You know, I want you around forever."

MELANIE: Absolutely.

PAM: "So, how about we both do this together? Forever." I think it works that way. Melanie, you are wonderful. Once again, Melanie Cole, exercise physiologist, Director of Operations of RadioMD, and RadioMD show host, has helped us understand how to motivate you spouse to work out.

Thank you, Melanie for being on HerRadio.
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