Maybe one of you has a “good idea” and the other person isn’t on board. You want to move to the country, or he wants to have another baby. When you reach an impasse, conventional wisdom says it’s time to end the relationship because of irreconcilable difference.
You don’t have to feel stuck. You can't change your partner. You have two options: keeping the status quo or changing yourself.
Time to Make a Change
Don’t be afraid to change yourself. Look at what you’re doing that contributes to conflict. Take the first step toward change and stop blaming. It’s more empowering that way. You won’t be the only one who is impacted by your changes. Your partner may change over time. This doesn’t mean you do all the work. You take the lead in making change.
“You Didn’t Put the Seat Down!”
Fights about the little things aren’t actually about the apparent source of conflict. The arguments about the toilet seat, wrong turns and undone housework have deeper roots. They come down to trust, betrayal, commitment, power, respect and control. People fight the battle with their spouses that they lost as children.
Marriages Take Maintenance
Pick one thing to change about how you react in the relationship. Just work on that thing. Instead of crying, choose to talk out your feelings. It will take time to make the change a habit.
Don’t expect to put your relationship on autopilot. That’s not how relationships work.
Listen as marriage and family therapist Winifred Reilly joins Dr. Pamela Peeke to share tips on how to take control of your relationship challenges.
Winifred Reilly is a marriage and family therapist, with a private practice in Berkeley, CA.