Transcription:
Building Healthy Relationships

Melanie Cole (Host): When you first start a new relationship, it can seem like everything is so exciting. However, to have a successful long-time relationship, effort is needed by both parties to ensure that the relationship is healthy and that it lasts. My guest today is Dr. Tanya Farman. She's a psychologist with Hendricks Regional Health. Welcome to the show, Dr. Farman. So, when we're talking about relationships, how is the typical relationship, how does it go along? You meet somebody new, what's the timeline generally of how relationships work over time?

Dr. Tanya Farman (Guest): Sure. There's a whole body of research that speaks to what attracts us to another person. Sometimes we have common interests; sometimes we just happen to be in the same location, when we're talking about attractions. There are a million factors that make those bells and whistles go off. In terms of how people smell, of how we respond to their facial symmetry—there are a lot of things. In terms of how relationships progress, we gravitate, ideally, toward people that we feel comfortable being open, honest, and genuine with. People who we’re interested, then, in also knowing their genuine, honest thoughts. So, the best relationships progress from beyond those initial things that draw us together, to deeper, more meaningful connections.

Melanie: Where do we learn the most about relationships?

Dr. Farman: Well, you learn it all around you, all the time, but where it initially starts, and I think some of the strongest impacts across the lifespan are what we learn about relationships in our families. So, the first experience that we have relating to others are with our caregivers and with our siblings, depending on who is in the home and defined as family. That's where we first learn how to expect the world to treat us as well as how to treat others.

Melanie: So, if somebody grew up in an unhealthy relationship environment versus somebody who grew up in a healthy relationship environment, is it possible for that person who grew up in the unhealthy environment to be able to have good, long-lasting relationships with people?

Dr. Farman: Absolutely. We first learn about relationships within the home. Thankfully, sometimes children can be positively impacted and learn healthy relationships from other influential, important people in their world. From coaches or teachers, or other extended family members, neighbors; the earlier the better in terms of learning those skills, but sometimes, sadly, there are children who aren't exposed to those healthy things very much at all in any environment. Certainly, those things can be learned at any point in the life course, but the longer it goes, the more those unhealthy relationship patterns become ingrained, usually the more work it takes to unlearn those behaviors and the more likely it is that a professional would benefit from getting involved. It would be beneficial to get therapy to work through those issues, if it's really been well-learned from unhealthy relationships.

Melanie: So, what are some red flags that a relationship is starting to head southward?

Dr. Farman: When there becomes loss of mutuality. Ideally, both people are able to be a part of the relationship. Both people feel good about themselves. Both people feel like they are taking part in the course of the relationship. When you're in a relationship that people are trying to control behavior, how you do things, what you say, isolating you from other people--those tend to be pretty big red flags. If one party is really driving things and the other party isn't able to equally participate. Another, more subtle dynamic, that I think can be underaddressed for too long, it can kind of become a big problem when people realize it, is when we're not sharing ourselves fully anymore. We start hiding things; we're not talking about how sincerely we're feeling, or what's going on; we're just not able to feel comfortable to be fully ourselves, and that can be something that takes a toll on a relationship in the long term, in terms of its health.

Melanie: How can people work on these relationships? Starting at home, and without starting therapy, what are some great tips that they can do today, that you would advise, even your patients, that they can do to make any relationship--whether it's one that's suffering or not--just a little bit better?

Dr. Farman: The first place to start is being mindful of how open you are to the thoughts and ideas and feelings of other people and if there's an individual in your life that you care about, really striving to listen to them, to see them, to understand them, to communicate that you see where they are coming from. So often, we want to talk about ourselves, we want to be seen and heard by others, and that's very important, but we forget to do that for other people. So, the easiest thing to do is to really start focusing on listening and listening deeply and conveying that interest in other people. I think that is the basics of how we learn that we are worthwhile and our life is meaningful and providing that is an amazing gift. So, that's the first thing that can be done. We can't always control how other people treat us, but we can control how we treat them, and that can be very, very impactful to the health of a relationship of any kind.

Melanie: In this day and age, we're seeing so much animosity with people and even people that you don't know and relationships with a new person or there's so much going on, Dr. Farman, what do you tell people about avoiding all these negative thoughts that go through our heads and negative self-talk that then carries over into our relationships?

Dr. Farman: Sure. I think the first thing is increasing awareness and just being mindful of negative thought patterns. Now, certainly there is a lot going on in the world, and if you're thinking globally, and even domestically, there's a lot of hardship and a lot of challenges and a lot of hurt and pain, and recognizing those and seeing them for what they are and trying to think through how things can be better is, I think, a part of critical thinking. But there becomes a difference when you get lost in that negative thought, and it doesn't become productive in terms of trying to think of how to make things better. So, just being aware of where our thoughts are, how we're responding to the world around us, can be helpful when you're absolutely right, not getting lost in that negativity is key. So, finding positive things to focus on, as well, and bringing that positivity into relationships is key. With healthy relationships, hopefully both voices, both positive and negative, can have a presence, but the focus of the tone, or the general . . . which part is getting emphasized becomes important there, in terms of the ratio. So, you would want to focus more on positivity than negativity. But, ideally, you'd be able to discuss the more difficult topics in the context of healthy relationships, and I think that's problematic in our society that that's not happening a lot right now. We're kind of shutting down. We're shutting down communication instead of figuring out things out and moving forward in it together, kind of way.

Melanie: Are you an advocate of positive affirmations and especially in a relationship that might be suffering a little, taking time out of the day to say something nice to each other or something nice about each other, or even something nice about yourself? Something that you're grateful for or that you're happy about? Do those really work?

Dr. Farman: I absolutely think that they can. I think the key is for them to be genuine. So, sometimes, we can take the status quo for granted and if there's not a problem, we don't notice, and then there is a problem, and then we complain, and it kind of sets this tone for negativity. So, to some extent, it becomes training yourself to see positive, and I think affirmations like that can be helpful to that process. That being said, giving someone a compliment that is not genuine or does not really ring true, it's not something that you really think or feel, can be detrimental. I would value those things but not at the cost of being genuine. So, I think if both can happen hand-in-hand--even how you talk to yourself sincerely looking within: what do I sincerely like about myself? That's where I think the magic happens with those kinds of things. Then, without the genuine piece, I think end up not doing much of anything, or they ring false, and anytime untruths are present, I think those tend to work against relationships, as well, as well as our own self-esteem.

Melanie: So, now tell us, Dr. Farman, if someone is seeking out therapy, what should they look for in a therapist and how do you know that that one is right for you?

Dr. Farman: Well, today, more than ever, there is a lot of information online. Typically, providers will have profiles, in terms of their educational background as well as how they might practice therapy in terms of short-term, long-term therapy, focused on family dynamic, focused on thought patterns. Typically, consumers can do more research than ever on a specific provider that they might want to reach out to. I think that's a great place to start, but it's also important, I think, for people to know that fit is the main, important thing when you're seeking out therapy. You want to be sitting across from someone that you feel like you can really trust and open up with. For some people, that rapport is built quickly, for some people, that takes a little bit of time. It's not uncommon for it to take 1-3 sessions, even to determine that fit, especially if you're talking about bigger relationship patterns and problems that happened in childhood, bigger stories that tend to lend themselves to longer therapy relationships. Before you go there, you can kind of take some time to see is this the right person to do this with. There are also, sometimes, therapy relationships that just aren't a good fit. They don't develop over time; they don't develop after those first couple of sessions. What I encourage people is not give up on the process. It's a very individualized fit and if someone hasn't had a good therapy experience, I would encourage them to reach out and try another provider.

Melanie: I think that's very good advice. Sometimes, people are hesitant to move away from somebody, even if they're not that completely comfortable with somebody. So, wrap it up for us, Dr. Farman, with your best advice about building healthy relationships, finding a therapist, should you need to do that, what you really want people to know about this.

Dr. Farman: I would want them to feel empowered as consumers, not just with psychotherapy, but in their medical care in general. It's okay to find who you find comfortable, and who you want to work with, but especially in therapy. I think it takes a lot of courage to let the provider know that something isn't working and maybe why it isn't working. Sometimes, people don't feel comfortable to do that and they can just then seek help elsewhere. So, I would really just empower people to advocate for themselves and just feel okay with being consumers in this process and finding the right fit for them.

Melanie: Thank you so much, Dr. Farman, for being with us. It's such great information for people to be able to hear. You're listening to Health Talks with HRH, Hendricks Regional Health and for more information, you can go to www.hendricks.org. That's www.hendricks.org. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.