The Holidays are a time of joy and celebration; a time to reunite with family and friends and revel in tradition. However, the news of a cancer diagnosis can halt holiday cheer. In fact, the holiday season can prompt new questions for you, such as: How do I take care of myself and participate in the holiday rush? How can I celebrate when I have so many other things on my mind? What will my life be like next year? Sharing these concerns with friends and family can help you manage the struggles of the season.
One of the main stressors that people and patients may experience around the holidays is the pressure of expectations. There is gift giving, visiting with family, party planning and so on. For cancer patients in particular, the added stress of the holidays may be a result of addressing questions of diagnosis and treatment. This creates anxiety in an already stressful time of the year.
Here to offer some tips for coping with cancer during the holidays is Megan Pailler, PhD. She is a Psychologist, Department of Psychosocial Oncology with Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center.
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Coping with Cancer During the Holidays
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Learn more about Megan Pailler, PhD
Megan Pailler, PhD
Megan Pailler, PhD is a Psychologist, Department of Psychosocial Oncology with Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center.Learn more about Megan Pailler, PhD
Transcription:
Coping with Cancer During the Holidays
Bill Klaproth (Host): The holidays can be a tough time for many, but for people with cancer it can be especially difficult, and here to talk with us about cancer and the holidays is Dr. Megan Pailler, psychologist, Department of Psychosocial Oncology at Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center. Dr. Pailler, thank you so much for your time. So, the holidays, those can be really tough, especially for someone diagnosed with cancer. Can you share some tips on how someone should best manage this?
Dr. Megan Pailler, PhD (Guest): Thanks for having me. The holidays, I think, for anybody can be a stressful time just because we try to do so much and try to have so many different experiences, and I think cancer with the combination of worry, of new treatments, of physical symptoms, it can add a whole other layer on top of what is normally oftentimes a stressful time. I think one of the biggest pieces of advice that I would have for folks who are struggling with cancer during the holidays is just to have some compassion for yourself. To acknowledge that things may be different now than they were and that can mean a lot of different things. I think you may have physical limitations as far as what you can do. A lot of cancer patients going through treatments have significant fatigue symptoms. So, your energy is really pretty limited. People may be struggling financially in ways that they weren’t before the cancer. I think there's a lot of different changes that people going through cancer can experience. So, I think one big piece of advice is just to acknowledge that. Acknowledge that things are different, and then to also avoid the tendency to set unreasonable expectations for yourself. You know, I can get this done or because I've always done this I should be able to keep doing this, or if I can’t do every single thing that I used to be able to do that somehow I will have failed. So, it’s, I think, just the idea of trying to set expectations for yourself that are a little bit – that are more reasonable given the circumstances.
Bill: Well, that makes total sense – have compassion for yourself and then set reasonable expectations. Should you share that with other people, too, ahead of time? Should you say, you know, I know you know what I'm going through, and I'm just going to have to lay low this year. I'm not going to be able to cook for everybody. I'm not going to be able to shop, and I’m not going to be able to be superwoman. I just want to let you know ahead of time. Is it best to share that with the people that are close to you?
Dr. Pailler: I think so, yes, and I also think that people that are close to you are looking for ways to help. And so, I think one of the best things, too, is as you're trying to achieve this sort of balance between, you know, I think it’s important to still do the things that are meaningful, you know, the most important traditions. You know, I think it’s good to be able to hold onto those as much as possible, and that’s where other people can really be helpful. So, for example, if your tradition is baking, you know, tons and tons of Christmas cookies, you know, you may not be up for doing that this year, but you could have your family members bake batches of Christmas cookies, and you could sit in the kitchen while they're doing that so that you can continue to be a part of the tradition. Or if hosting is something that’s important to you, but you're not feeling up for that, then that’s where the family members could come in to help to provide some of the setup or the clean up or things like that. So, sharing what you can and can’t do with family members, I think, is very important.
Bill: And is there a way to prepare then? Say you are going to parties and celebrations because we all know those happen. How should you prepare to approach those?
Dr. Pailler: Well, I think that it depends on a lot of things. What I tell a lot of people is pick and choose. Pick and choose the celebrations that are most important. Obviously, if your white blood cells are low or if you have restrictions on your activities, first and foremost be safe and follow the restrictions that you need to follow, but if you are given permission to go out and be a part of those celebrations, one thing I often advise people to do is to have an escape plan.
Bill: [chuckle]
Dr. Pailler: So that if you're feeling not quite up for it that there is a way that you could either leave early or go to a quiet room or something like that so that you don’t put the expectation for yourself of being present at an event for hours and hours and hours when you may not be up for that. So, you may plan to come late. You may plan to go with somebody who you can give a signal to [laughs], you know, to leave a little bit early so that you can simultaneously participate in the outing or the festivities, but in a way that is a little bit more manageable.
Bill: Have an escape plan. I love –
Dr. Pailler: Yes. [laughs]
Bill: [chuckle] So, Dr. Pailler, for someone that is down in the dumps, someone that has a cancer diagnosis or is going through treatment and is just down, how do we deal with that? Do we try and cheer them up? Do we just listen and just be with them and offer quiet support? What's the best way to handle that?
Dr. Pailler: Well, I think, you know, I think that it depends on the circumstances for sure, but I think being able to acknowledge with somebody that this year is different, that things are hard. To be able to give the person permission to feel sad about it, I think that’s important because I think so often I see people and their family members that are working so hard to keep the positive face on for the other person, you know. I can’t let myself be sad. This is the holidays, I should – you know, that dreaded “should” word – I should be feeling happy and joyous and then the contrast between how I feel and how I should be feeling, you know, that can be upsetting. So, I think it is – it’s absolutely important to ask someone how they're doing. Give them the opportunity to talk about the fact that this is hard without feeling the obligation to immediately cheer up. I think usually when people are able to talk about it and to be heard, then it may be easier to, you know, to do the more positive things, but without acknowledging it and being able to share that, I think that can be challenging.
Bill: So, give the person permission to feel sad. I think that’s really good advice. And for friends and family who want to help, you talked about earlier helping out with certain activities. Are there other ways that friends and family can lend a helping hand during the holidays?
Dr. Pailler: I think, one piece of advice would for friends and families to offer specific things because a lot of times, people are reluctant to accept help because they feel like they don’t want to burden somebody or that it would be an obligation. But if a friend is offering a specific piece of help, you know, would you like me to pick that up for you? I’ll be at the store; I’d be happy to do thus and such. I think it can be a lot easier to accept that help if it’s very specific, you know, help is offered. I think otherwise, another piece of advice would be to continue to make efforts to include your friend. If your friend is going through cancer, continue to extend the invitations and then allow that person to decide what they are or aren’t up for. But just the idea that you're thinking of them, that you're continuing to include them, and then allowing that person to, you know, to really make the call as to how they feel and if they feel up for participating. Even being reached out to, for lack of a better term, I think is helpful.
Bill: Well, that makes sense. Offer help for specific things and continue to include them in the plans and then let them accept or decline as they can monitor how they're feeling at the moment. And Dr. Pailler, how can Roswell Park Cancer Institute help?
Dr. Pailler: Well, we have a lot of different avenues for support. We do have some general, both for cancer patients and for caregivers of cancer patients, we have support groups that sometimes people appreciate feedback from other people. For a list of support groups, you can dial the Psychosocial Oncology number which is 845-8022 or also check the website. We also have people such as myself, psychologists and clinical social workers, who meet with patients and families individually because I think that that’s the other piece here is that sometimes, you know, the feelings of sadness are overwhelming, and I think the final piece of advice is if you’re feeling as though you need support, by all means, reach out.
Bill: And like you said earlier, people do want to help.
Dr. Pailler: That’s right. I think a lot of times people, families and loved ones, are very eager to help, but they just don’t exactly know how.
Bill: Right. That’s very true, and they want to help. So, if you can specifically tell them, hey, here’s what I need, they are there to help you and they want to support you. So, that’s great advice.
Dr. Pailler: And also it doesn’t – people think it’s a burden. A burden if you ask for help, but in many cases, people appreciate knowing what to do because family members can feel helpless as well, and they enjoy being given tasks to do [laughs] as a way of contributing.
Bill: So, you’re making each of the parties feel better at that point.
Dr. Pailler: Right.
Bill: Well, Dr. Pailler, thank you so much for your time today. For more information, you can visit roswellpark.org. That's roswellpark.org, or you can call 845-8022 as Dr. Pailler says. Thank you again, Dr. Pailler. You're listening to Cancer Talk with Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center. I'm Bill Klaproth. Thanks for listening.
Coping with Cancer During the Holidays
Bill Klaproth (Host): The holidays can be a tough time for many, but for people with cancer it can be especially difficult, and here to talk with us about cancer and the holidays is Dr. Megan Pailler, psychologist, Department of Psychosocial Oncology at Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center. Dr. Pailler, thank you so much for your time. So, the holidays, those can be really tough, especially for someone diagnosed with cancer. Can you share some tips on how someone should best manage this?
Dr. Megan Pailler, PhD (Guest): Thanks for having me. The holidays, I think, for anybody can be a stressful time just because we try to do so much and try to have so many different experiences, and I think cancer with the combination of worry, of new treatments, of physical symptoms, it can add a whole other layer on top of what is normally oftentimes a stressful time. I think one of the biggest pieces of advice that I would have for folks who are struggling with cancer during the holidays is just to have some compassion for yourself. To acknowledge that things may be different now than they were and that can mean a lot of different things. I think you may have physical limitations as far as what you can do. A lot of cancer patients going through treatments have significant fatigue symptoms. So, your energy is really pretty limited. People may be struggling financially in ways that they weren’t before the cancer. I think there's a lot of different changes that people going through cancer can experience. So, I think one big piece of advice is just to acknowledge that. Acknowledge that things are different, and then to also avoid the tendency to set unreasonable expectations for yourself. You know, I can get this done or because I've always done this I should be able to keep doing this, or if I can’t do every single thing that I used to be able to do that somehow I will have failed. So, it’s, I think, just the idea of trying to set expectations for yourself that are a little bit – that are more reasonable given the circumstances.
Bill: Well, that makes total sense – have compassion for yourself and then set reasonable expectations. Should you share that with other people, too, ahead of time? Should you say, you know, I know you know what I'm going through, and I'm just going to have to lay low this year. I'm not going to be able to cook for everybody. I'm not going to be able to shop, and I’m not going to be able to be superwoman. I just want to let you know ahead of time. Is it best to share that with the people that are close to you?
Dr. Pailler: I think so, yes, and I also think that people that are close to you are looking for ways to help. And so, I think one of the best things, too, is as you're trying to achieve this sort of balance between, you know, I think it’s important to still do the things that are meaningful, you know, the most important traditions. You know, I think it’s good to be able to hold onto those as much as possible, and that’s where other people can really be helpful. So, for example, if your tradition is baking, you know, tons and tons of Christmas cookies, you know, you may not be up for doing that this year, but you could have your family members bake batches of Christmas cookies, and you could sit in the kitchen while they're doing that so that you can continue to be a part of the tradition. Or if hosting is something that’s important to you, but you're not feeling up for that, then that’s where the family members could come in to help to provide some of the setup or the clean up or things like that. So, sharing what you can and can’t do with family members, I think, is very important.
Bill: And is there a way to prepare then? Say you are going to parties and celebrations because we all know those happen. How should you prepare to approach those?
Dr. Pailler: Well, I think that it depends on a lot of things. What I tell a lot of people is pick and choose. Pick and choose the celebrations that are most important. Obviously, if your white blood cells are low or if you have restrictions on your activities, first and foremost be safe and follow the restrictions that you need to follow, but if you are given permission to go out and be a part of those celebrations, one thing I often advise people to do is to have an escape plan.
Bill: [chuckle]
Dr. Pailler: So that if you're feeling not quite up for it that there is a way that you could either leave early or go to a quiet room or something like that so that you don’t put the expectation for yourself of being present at an event for hours and hours and hours when you may not be up for that. So, you may plan to come late. You may plan to go with somebody who you can give a signal to [laughs], you know, to leave a little bit early so that you can simultaneously participate in the outing or the festivities, but in a way that is a little bit more manageable.
Bill: Have an escape plan. I love –
Dr. Pailler: Yes. [laughs]
Bill: [chuckle] So, Dr. Pailler, for someone that is down in the dumps, someone that has a cancer diagnosis or is going through treatment and is just down, how do we deal with that? Do we try and cheer them up? Do we just listen and just be with them and offer quiet support? What's the best way to handle that?
Dr. Pailler: Well, I think, you know, I think that it depends on the circumstances for sure, but I think being able to acknowledge with somebody that this year is different, that things are hard. To be able to give the person permission to feel sad about it, I think that’s important because I think so often I see people and their family members that are working so hard to keep the positive face on for the other person, you know. I can’t let myself be sad. This is the holidays, I should – you know, that dreaded “should” word – I should be feeling happy and joyous and then the contrast between how I feel and how I should be feeling, you know, that can be upsetting. So, I think it is – it’s absolutely important to ask someone how they're doing. Give them the opportunity to talk about the fact that this is hard without feeling the obligation to immediately cheer up. I think usually when people are able to talk about it and to be heard, then it may be easier to, you know, to do the more positive things, but without acknowledging it and being able to share that, I think that can be challenging.
Bill: So, give the person permission to feel sad. I think that’s really good advice. And for friends and family who want to help, you talked about earlier helping out with certain activities. Are there other ways that friends and family can lend a helping hand during the holidays?
Dr. Pailler: I think, one piece of advice would for friends and families to offer specific things because a lot of times, people are reluctant to accept help because they feel like they don’t want to burden somebody or that it would be an obligation. But if a friend is offering a specific piece of help, you know, would you like me to pick that up for you? I’ll be at the store; I’d be happy to do thus and such. I think it can be a lot easier to accept that help if it’s very specific, you know, help is offered. I think otherwise, another piece of advice would be to continue to make efforts to include your friend. If your friend is going through cancer, continue to extend the invitations and then allow that person to decide what they are or aren’t up for. But just the idea that you're thinking of them, that you're continuing to include them, and then allowing that person to, you know, to really make the call as to how they feel and if they feel up for participating. Even being reached out to, for lack of a better term, I think is helpful.
Bill: Well, that makes sense. Offer help for specific things and continue to include them in the plans and then let them accept or decline as they can monitor how they're feeling at the moment. And Dr. Pailler, how can Roswell Park Cancer Institute help?
Dr. Pailler: Well, we have a lot of different avenues for support. We do have some general, both for cancer patients and for caregivers of cancer patients, we have support groups that sometimes people appreciate feedback from other people. For a list of support groups, you can dial the Psychosocial Oncology number which is 845-8022 or also check the website. We also have people such as myself, psychologists and clinical social workers, who meet with patients and families individually because I think that that’s the other piece here is that sometimes, you know, the feelings of sadness are overwhelming, and I think the final piece of advice is if you’re feeling as though you need support, by all means, reach out.
Bill: And like you said earlier, people do want to help.
Dr. Pailler: That’s right. I think a lot of times people, families and loved ones, are very eager to help, but they just don’t exactly know how.
Bill: Right. That’s very true, and they want to help. So, if you can specifically tell them, hey, here’s what I need, they are there to help you and they want to support you. So, that’s great advice.
Dr. Pailler: And also it doesn’t – people think it’s a burden. A burden if you ask for help, but in many cases, people appreciate knowing what to do because family members can feel helpless as well, and they enjoy being given tasks to do [laughs] as a way of contributing.
Bill: So, you’re making each of the parties feel better at that point.
Dr. Pailler: Right.
Bill: Well, Dr. Pailler, thank you so much for your time today. For more information, you can visit roswellpark.org. That's roswellpark.org, or you can call 845-8022 as Dr. Pailler says. Thank you again, Dr. Pailler. You're listening to Cancer Talk with Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center. I'm Bill Klaproth. Thanks for listening.