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Angela: A content warning for our listeners: general discussions of sexual violence, including impacts of trauma and healing modalities will be discussed. If you need support or resources, please visit survivors.org

Angela Rose (Host): Welcome to another episode of survivors.org podcast, helping to thrive after trauma. I'm your host, Angela Rose. And this episode is sponsored by Color Street, a creative beauty brand with limitless possibilities.

I am so excited to have my friend and colleague, Sheel Bhuta She is really a holistic healer. She specializes in body regeneration, mind, body and spirit recalibration. I am so excited for her to chat with us today. And thank you so much for being here, Sheel. Welcome.

Sheel Bhuta: Thank you so much for having me. I love the work that you do, and I'm so honored to be a part of your initiative. Every time that I talk to you, I also feel like a great sense of healing and like relief because obviously we're all in it together. And with any of us, I always say your voice is our power. And so I'm so glad that you gift us that every single day of your life. And so thank you for having me be a part of this.

Angela Rose (Host): That is so nice, Sheel. Thank you so much. You are such a light in this world and I am so excited to spend the next couple minutes talking about how you have used your gifts to help so many people. So let's start from the beginning. When you were growing up, I know you've been very open about some of the difficult things that you've been through in your life in terms of childhood sexual trauma. And after that, knowing that you were almost bedridden with MS. Can you talk a little bit about the correlation between those two? And I could imagine it was very difficult to not have control over your body with the MS diagnosis, knowing what you dealt with in the past.

Sheel Bhuta: Yeah, absolutely. I honestly think they're completely connected. And when I was diagnosed, it helped me heal. So, a little background, I had sexual trauma as a child and it was covered up because I'm in an Indian community. And then, I went to college and I was sexually assaulted by an athlete and so then the college covered it up. And so this was two of the same scenario. In the college, I had to fight, you know, for justice. I had to work with Office of Civil Rights Education Department. I had to really push the grain to get, you know, solitude and justice and get any sort of relief. And he didn't get in trouble, but the university got in trouble. So I took that as a win in my book, you know?

And so for me with the diagnosis, it's so interesting because there's studies that have been done that have correlated how many MS patients also have a history of sexual trauma. And now as a holistic heal, I think that's so interesting because a lot of what I work with is your diagnosis always is a way of identifying the way that you've been hurt, that pain. There's a purpose behind it. It's helping you see something clearly or express something clearly that you might have not been able to vocalize because of what has happened to you. And so being bedridden and having MS, where like you're right, I don't have control over my body and it's just a constant repeat of what had happened to me.

And so, when I got diagnosed, I went into that meditative state and this is what I do when anything in my body hurts, so the big diagnosis of MS or whatever, whether it was asthma, you know, that's been healed or anything, I always look at what is this showing me that I've lived in my life. And so with the MS, it's the most protected part of your body, your nervous system is protected by a myelin sheath. And so the myelin sheath, I relate to if you have a charger, a phone charger, you know how they get frayed and there are short circuits in them. So your myelin sheath is very similar to how that rubber coating is. And so with MS, it attacks that rubber coating so that your nerves are exposed and it's the part of you that's so deep-rooted into your entire system, underneath everything. And when it's attacked, it's the most vulnerable part of you, but it's also supposed to be the most protected part of you. And so that's very similar to what it feels like when you have sexual trauma, it is the most vulnerable part of you. It's supposed to be the most protected part of you. And for that to be exposed, yes, you heal, but you will also have short circuits every step of the way, you know, like there will be days that you feel great and I know that myself included, I forget that it happened. But there are things that show up whether, you know, it be on the radio, TV or someone talking or energetically feeling that type of energy from a predatorial type of person, you will automatically flash back to that state. And that's kind of what it's like to live with the diagnosis that I have, is that I'll be great unless the circumstances aren't ideal for the MS. If I'm too tired, if it's too hot, if it's too cold, if things shift quickly, the MS will expose itself there. I have remitting remission, so there's days that I'm great and days that I have to use a cane for three months or that I have to retrain my motor skills to work or whatever that is.

But what's interesting is I have to heal it the same way that I've healed my trauma. And it's helped me have more patience with the trauma, because I think when you go through something, you feel like, you know, one of them happened when I was 13 and one of them happened when I was 18, that I feel like, "Okay, I'm about to be 35, I should be over it by now." But that's not the case, there's so many layers to it. And every time that something hurts, every time I have a flashback, every time that I have that feeling that you're right back there again, you relive it. I'm like, "Okay. A portal is opening for me to heal it. Like right now, I am back where I was. It's like time traveling in this moment." But I'm safe in this moment. So if I take this moment where something is triggered up, triggers are your best friend. And so if that trigger comes up and I'm like, "You're still wounded, you're still hurting and that's okay. I'm going to mother you, I'm going to give you all the love that you didn't have at that moment. I'm going to show you how safe you are in this moment. I'm going to give you all the things that you didn't have in that moment, in this moment. So you can heal at a deeper level. You can feel safer right now."

And so both my diagnosis and my trauma are being healed at the same exact time, every single time. I'm stunted out of my present moment to deal with the suffering that's in my body and the pain that's in my body. And the more that I've had that patience and that fortitude moment to moment, you know, to be like, "Okay, I'm the healer now. I get to baby me. I'm not going to push you aside. I'm not going to divert my attention. You're crying and you deserve all of me," and so the more that I do that, even my MS symptoms are getting a lot better. And I'm able to tell my story without crying because, you know, I know that it happened to me, but I do feel like that chapter has closed. It doesn't hurt as much.

But what's really cool is that there's different levels of power that are moving forward every time I heal the pain of it, I'm able to express myself more clearly. So like, you know, the man that sexually abused me when I was 13, he's still very much a part of my life right now. But now, I'm able to be like, "I don't have to be nice because you're a part of my community and I'm telling everyone." But I was falsely programmed to believe I wasn't allowed to talk about it. I was falsely programmed to believe that I shouldn't ruin his family's life for what he did to me. I was falsely programmed to believe that I was the sacrifice and that I had to continue to be the sacrifice. But as I heal, I'm able to talk about it not angrily, but as a way of, "Hey, this is what's right. And this is what needs to be done. I'm not talking from a space of you need to help me. I have helped me." But now, we need to talk about what's the right thing to do moving forward. And it's from a place of power versus vulnerability. You do what you want to do, but this is what I'm going to do, because this is what I believe to be right and know to be right. And I'm not going to just protect me. I'm going to protect other people because the more that we allow people like that to exist without repercussions, we also have blood in our hands because we're allowing them to continue that way and believe that what they're doing is right. And so we're also facilitators of their behavior when we don't speak up.

And so while I'm doing that for what had happened to me, I'm also doing that with the MS, where people are like, "Just don't talk about it. You know, you've talked about it too much. We know you have MS. We know blah, blah, blah." And I'm like, "No, but I am going to tell you that I need more help right now. I am going to tell you that I'm tired right now. I am going tell you those things, because that's my reality. And if that makes you uncomfortable, that's okay. That's your reality. And you can keep it moving outside of my orbit. But this is what I need and I deserve to have that safety and that environment and that foundation, because I deserve that. And that's what I need and that's okay." And I feel like both of them have really helped me move from a place of being submissive and move from a place of people-pleasing and move from a place of feeling like I was not worthy to have justice or have clarity or just live comfortably. Now, I know I do deserve that and I can be my protector.

And so that's what's really cool living with both of them side by side to allow myself to feel the pain of that, so I make sure I don't feel that the next moment. You know, whether that be healing me or taking that space, whatever it is, I am a healer and I'm great at healing other people, but I don't take that time for me because that's what I was taught when I was younger. But I'm relearning that because I'm being forced to relearn that when it's in my face. And I kind of feel grateful for that. And people probably think that sounds really weird, but MS has been my greatest gift in my healing journey.

Angela Rose (Host): Wow. You are such an inspiration. A couple things, I've never heard anybody talk about their triggers as a gift. What a different and beautiful way to look at that. I think one thing you mentioned too is that notion of worthiness. I think that's something that so many survivors deal with, is that perceived shame, that notion of self-worth. And so I would love to hear from you digging a little bit deeper, how have you been able to use holistic healing in your own life to overcome those issues of self-worth and triggers and things like that?

Sheel Bhuta: So I've realized the number one culprit of keeping me sick was my lack of worthiness. And so I was treating the symptoms, right? Like I had really bad asthma where I was on the nebulizer four times a day, the highest dose of steroids. I had iron issues where I had to get iron infusions because my body just wasn't making it. I had, you know, gallstones that I've had since I was 16. They're all gone now, but it took long time to get to that point. But I thought about all those things, right? Asthma, I didn't believe I was worthy enough of taking deep long breath. I felt like I was taking up too much space. I felt like the world was going to attack me if I breathe too much of it in.

And so while I took that in and I was like, "Oh my God, the base of that iron, I didn't believe that I was worthy of creating enough blood and pumping it to myself before pumping out into the world." So I was always using all my energy to help everyone else, because I thought if I was healing other people, I wouldn't be forgotten. If I was healing other people, I'd be worthy. If I was pleasing everyone else, then maybe they wouldn't leave me and maybe would protect me. But in doing that, I completely abused myself. And so when I was forced to face those things, I realized the base of that was worthiness and believing that I was deserving to take a break, that I was deserving to be silent, that I was deserving to shower myself with the healing gifts that I have learned that I just needed to meditate, that it was okay for me to stop and take a deep breath in whenever I felt like I was being suffocated instead of holding my breath more to help everybody else, when I felt suffocated. It's okay for me to be like, "Oh, I'm feeling stifled. So let me move to a place that has more space for me," instead of forcing myself to fit into spaces that were suffocating me. And so the more that I did that, the more that I healed my body, but that was the base level.

And so the way that I did that holistically was, one, making the choice to leave places that made me feel unworthy because they weren't making me feel unworthy, they were existing as they were. It was my responsibility to feel worthy. And if I didn't, I needed to leave. And that's something that I really reprogrammed, is you didn't hurt my feelings, I'm feeling hurt by your actions, so I'm going to remove myself because now I have the power in that. That's not gaslighting myself. I'm still honoring how I felt when I'm going to leave, because that's my power.

And I feel like for people that have been abused in any way, they feel like every environment is abusive. So why not just adjust to it? And that's not the case at all. Leave the abusive environments to places of love and shelter and homage. And I feel like that was also my body state, right? I had a history of eating disorder, you know, behavior and body dysmorphia that I still struggle with. But instead of being like, "Oh my God, you're just so fat," you know, and that's something that I do still. I'm like, "What am I actually feeling? Where am I feeling out of control and what can I do about that? "So sometimes they use breath work, you know, where I breathe. Alternate nostril breathing has been really beneficial to me. And as I do that, I do visualization of each part of my body. And it sounds so silly, but putting attention to each part of my body every day from my toes to the top of my head, to every little vessel, I'm sending it love. And in doing so, I activate that nurtural ability for it to function to its highest potential, because your body does know how to heal itself.

We are so adaptable, but we have to give it space to function. We have to give it space to come to life and we have to acknowledge its ability to be great, you know. And so whenever my body is on strike, I acknowledge it. Just like when a union goes on strike, you have to listen to its complaints. And so your body's like, "You don't believe in me. You're not acknowledging my value. You're not paying me enough" or whatever it is, right? So how do I peg it? I give it love. I massage it. I listen to it. Like I said, you know, even if my arm is hurting, when I get pain right here, I literally just stop whatever it is I'm doing, instead of like pushing through it. I'm like, "Oh, my arm's hurting. Let me just massage it and listen to what it has to say." And really, you don't have to be a certified healer to do that. You just have to be present with yourself to listen to it and give it what it needs. Does it need a break? Does it need, you know, calming Biofreeze or whatever is that people use -- there's a free advertisement -- but whatever it needs in that moment, give it to it.

You know, I went on a hike yesterday and I really wanted to walk further and I was like, "Oh, my leg just felt overextended. Let's stop here." Old me would've never done that. But I find myself valuable enough, every single aspect of myself valuable enough to take a pause when it starts complaining, even in the slightest. Because that's the thing with pain, our body whispers to us until it needs to scream. And we never listen to it in a whisper. We're like, "Oh, it's not that bad. It's doable." How many times have you said, "Oh, I feel a little bit uncomfortable, but it's not insurmountable, so I can keep working through this." Why do you want to push it to the point that it's yelling at you and making you sit down? Just listen to it when it's whispering. And then the minute you do that, it doesn't have to have a tantrum. And so I don't know if I truly answered your question about the worthiness, is moment to moment choices of acknowledging yourself.

Angela Rose (Host): I love that, acknowledging and, like you said, being present. I think that is so difficult for survivors oftentimes with trauma, is just to be present and to remember to breathe. And, you know, you mentioned, I remember reading an article about you, how when you were sick and bedridden is when your gifts really started to open, all of these gifts were coming to you. So can you talk about that process and how I know in the beginning you were looking at sports medicine and broadcasting and PR as a career choice and life had a different plan for you? Now, you're this amazing holistic healer. You work with children, you do such incredible work. So I'd love to hear about that journey. As these gifts started to come present in your life. Was there ever, I don't want to say fear, but maybe, you know, how did you feel when all these gifts of intuition started to open up in your life?

Sheel Bhuta: It's really interesting. So my gifts started to open up, you know, so I had a vocal chord issue, again how everything has a purpose. My left focal chord had cyst holding it together, so I didn't have a voice for like six months, again connected to not using my voice through the trauma. So that's when I started meditating. Because I never meditated because I was always moving forward to the next thing, because as trauma survivors do, we keep moving so we don't have to feel.

You know how people say, "I hate this," like "Workout is my meditation. This is my meditation." No, meditation is your meditation, that silence is your release. That silence is your regeneration. Your silence is the space that you give a voice to what you needs to be expressed. And like, you need to have that and it was when I was forced to be silent. I literally could not talk. I literally could not move. And so while I was meditating, a lot of people came. But what was on the other? When the pain came out, all my gifts were exposed. I was always gifted, but the pain was on top of it that I couldn't see it, the pain was louder.

And so while I was bedridden and while I couldn't talk, I was forced to just feel every excruciating layer of the depression, every excruciating level of the trauma, the anger, the vulnerability, all of it, and to drain that pool of sadness where I just felt relief. I screamed, like I couldn't even scream. I just was like silent crying and like kicking my legs because I was on my bed. And honestly, I remember praying for cancer. But that level of intensity was a level I never allowed myself to feel. And then it was done. And then my gifts opened up.

And I remember in the beginning, I'm schizophrenic, because I started channeling the Bible through my dreams and I started channeling all these different things and I have a history of depression and eating disorder and I'm a suicide survivor. And I was like, "Oh, okay. Well, I'm schizophrenic." And I call my therapist and she's like, "Sheel, if you were schizophrenic, you wouldn't know." And I'm like, "No, no. I am." And she's like, "Okay. Well, come in." And so I went to her office and I like started telling her things. I remember exactly sitting on the chair and telling her a bunch of stuff. And then I remember at the end of it, I was like, "Michelle, what's going on with your neck?" And she's like, you literally just told me my past three clients. And I got in a car accident Tuesday. You're not schizophrenic. You're not sick. You're gifted. These are your gifts. And let's find you an angel reader."

Like I can't get over that moment. And it was such a release because I remembered when I was depressed. I remembered when I was suicidal I remembered telling my psychiatrist then, "I hear voices, but they're not telling me to do anything. They're just constantly laughing." And it was like, "I was never as crazy as I thought I was. My gifts were open then and my angels that I talked to and everything that was coming through was trying to tell me I wasn't alone when I felt super alone. But they wanted to wait until I was ready to hear the information they had to give me."

And so, while I was sick, like a lot of these things started happening that it felt like a fairy tale, like gurus and teachers were plopping into my life from different areas, that they were like, "Hey, you're gifted. And this is what you need to hear." And it was the wildest thing to me because I didn't have to try, I didn't have to fight, I didn't have to do anything. I just had to be me and allow myself to be me and the right people are finding me, where like my whole programming of going through trauma was fighting to get justice, I literally just sat and felt and the right doctors and the right practitioners and the right spiritualist plopped into my life from all around the world were helping me. And it's the coolest realization, especially being someone that really had to fight to get seen or heard, to be seen and heard from bedrest. It was the wildest thing for me. And then my gifts just kept opening the layer by layer. Every time I get sick again, I'm like, "Whoop, my gifts are going to get a little bit stronger." And what I find interesting about that is every time I get sick again is the only time I'm 100% focused on me. It's the only time I allow myself to feel because I have to. And so during those times that, like I said, there's times that I have to be on a cane for a few months or whatever, those are the times that I let myself feel every layer of it that when it's done, I get up feeling lighter and a new gift has emerged.

And so it's really interesting, every client I have and I work with a lot, it's funny that I was in sports broadcasting, in sports PR and sports business development, when I quit, all those people followed my journey. And when I was in that world, I wanted to be accepted. You know, you never know if you're doing enough and these people are cool and those like ugly duckling wounds, right? They followed my journey that a lot of the people that I worked with in sports have become my clients and they accept all of me. And a lot of them thought what I did. They were like, "This woo-woo stuff," and all of them now are like, "Sheel, it works." Because what I do is pressure points, right? And what I do is diagnose people on a medical medium. So there's no mistaking it, right? Like if I'm next to them, I'm like, "Oh, you're calf hurts." And they're like, "That's exactly where I started feeling pain yesterday." "Oh, this hurts." And so I'm able to push on these pressure points and they hurt, but then they release and they feel better and they regenerate quicker. And so athletes have been my kind of number one focus right now because I'm, able to get those quick results with the athletes and kind of prove how effective this methodology is. Because everyone follows athletes, and so I'm able to kind of influence the greater, I guess, population of like, "Look, this works. It's not woo-woo. It's not out of this world. It's very tangible. It's very real. It's very accurate and there's quantifiable results in it. And so you can do this too, and all you need are your hands to help yourself heal." And I feel like that's such a powerful thing I'm able to give to people no matter what social class, no matter what their financial situation is, they can heal themself as long as they have the power of breath, the power of their fingertips and their power of simply being present with themselves.

Angela Rose (Host): Oh, well, we're going to end there. Sheel, you are such an amazing ray of light, and I love how you remind us that in silence is our guidance. Thank you so much. For anybody looking to connect with Sheel, visit her website at sheelbhuta.com and you can follow her on social media and I'm excited to have you at some point join us for one of our holistic healing seminars in person. Not sure when that's going to be, but I'm excited to meet you in person. I feel like I know you already. But Sheel, you are such an inspiration. Thank you so much for being with us today and thank you all for tuning in. Again, this is Angela Rose here with Sheel Bhuta. And this episode is sponsored by Color Street, a creative beauty brand with limitless possibilities.

As always, please take care of yourself and each other. And together, we can change the world. Thank you all so much. Thank you, Sheel.

Angela: For all survivors and their loved ones tuning in, please remember that you are not alone and it's not your fault. If you need support or resources, please visit us at survivors.org.