Amanda Wilde (Host): Whether it's divorce, separation, or any significant change in family dynamics, the impact on children can be profound. In this episode, we explore how to help children navigate the emotional journey of parental separation. Licensed marriage and family therapist, Christie White, will share her insights and practical strategies to support children through this challenging time.

 This is Flourish, a podcast brought to you by Prisma Health. I'm Amanda Wilde. Welcome, Christie. So great to have you here.

Christie White: Thank you so much for having me, Amanda.

Host: Can you sketch out what you sort of see? Is there sort of some universals in how children are emotionally affected by parental separation or divorce?

Christie White: Yes, absolutely. And I wanted to say first, you know, I think it's a complex issue for kids and adults, of course. And when we talk about it, we always want to have a spirit of compassion and empathy for everyone involved. But yes, after decades of research, it's clear that separation and divorce can have a pretty significant impact on kids emotionally. And I think what we see broadly is feelings of guilt for kids and anxiety and panic or even depression, some anger or irritability. But what we tend to see probably the most is the anxiety piece and how it manifests in different ways. Of course, it depends on the circumstances of the separation or divorce, but anxiety is probably one of the main ones we see.

Host: And then, I imagine that has a health effect too for children, as anxiety has a health effect on us adults.

Christie White: Absolutely. We tend to see more stomach issues, headaches, bedwetting or sleep regression or more weepiness, of course, because kids tend to be emotional sponges and they soak up things in the emotional atmosphere, and it can manifest physically for kids. So if adults can try to stay as centered and balanced as much as possible, it can obviously have a much more positive effect on kids.

Host: I was just talking to a parent who has a grown daughter, but we're talking about their separation, and that was earlier in her daughter's life. And she said the main thing is for the parents not to talk against each other, that she saw that as the core thing parents should not do, but she added, it's really, really hard.

Christie White: Yes, yes. It can be really hard to stay civil and disaffected as an adult going through a separation or divorce. And this piece is very important, but we have to remember that our love for our kids has to be stronger than our dislike for our ex.

Host: Is there a particular age where children are most affected by parental separation?

Christie White: There really isn't a consensus on that. It tends to impact kids in different ways, depending on their particular developmental stages. So, it does even impact adult children of divorce or separation. And it typically can manifest more with adult children in their intimate relationships, in their ability to connect or trust in their own intimate relationships. But generally speaking, it's not so much about the age, but about how you divorce when it comes to kids age-wise.

Host: So, how can we help our children adapt and adjust after a parental breakup?

Christie White: I think the number one thing is to focus on your health and well-being during the divorce, during a separation, and the parents getting support, the adults getting support, number one. But we also want to validate kids' feelings and emotions as much as possible, you know, with love and understanding, because they, of course, don't have as much control in the situation.

And so, like I mentioned before, there's going to be more of that anxiety and more of that sense of fear, because of that loss of control. So, validating feelings and emotions is really important, but also keeping structure and predictability as much as possible. So, trying to stay consistent with meal times, bedtimes, even expectations for homework and household tasks can be helpful. And providing reassurance that the adults will take care of the adult issues and reminding kids that their job is to be a kid. You know, just reminding them during that adjustment that your job is to be a kid, and it's the adult's responsibility to take care of the adult issues.

Host: And I imagine that can affect children even employing these methods, whether or not both parents are doing them.

Christie White: Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Because like I was saying before, for a lot of kids, it's that loss of control or maybe a feeling of helplessness. And so, yeah, absolutely, it can impact them in those ways.

Host: It just makes such sense what you're saying because your world is rocked when your parents divorce. It's like the foundations crumbled beneath. And so, validating those emotions, providing some structure and predictability and being reassuring and letting people know your role is to just be you and the adults will take care of the adult things is very reassuring.

Christie White: Right. And the kids having a sense of agency and a sense of control in those areas that they can have control in, and like I was saying, the adults kind of take care of those adult things.

Host: That sounds just crucial to a good adjustment. Are there any signs to watch for of children needing professional help when they're adjusting to a divorce situation?

Christie White: Yes. So, we want to look for changes in behavior that are very out of the ordinary for that child or changes in behavior that aren't really responding to those parental efforts for structure and calming and reassurance. So, we also want to look for any suspected drug or alcohol abuse, again, things that might be different for that child or that teen and maybe changes in grades that are longer term or longer term regression behaviors. So basically, we want to be on the lookout for changes that are very out of the ordinary for our kids or for longer periods of time.

Host: And lastly, do you have advice on how to best break the news to a child that their parents will be separating?

Christie White: Yes. So ideally, it would be communicated together, presenting a unified front and explaining that the kids are loved and always will be. And if it can't be communicated together, just trying to stick to an agreed upon message. And we also want to explain that, you know, again, parents have adult problems and that they won't be married anymore or live together, but that they will always be parents to the kids.

We want to share details about arrangements. You know, where are they going to live? Are they going to have their own bedroom? What school are they going to go to? Are they going to stay at the same school? So, sharing some of those details about arrangements, but not details about, again, those adult reasons for separation or divorce. And then, we don't want to communicate through our kids. We want to maybe use apps like TalkingParents or OurFamilyWizard, or even communicating through an attorney if communication gets really contentious. And then, lastly, we want to, like we were saying before, not bash the other parent, but trying to stay civil, focusing on separating well. So, all of those ways can help break the news to a child and try to make the process a little bit easier for them.

Host: Thank you, Christie, for shedding light on this really crucial issue that affects so many families. And you gave great information and resources, whether you're a parent or guardian or just curious about supporting young ones through tough times. Thanks for the work that you do.

Christie White: Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it.

Host: Christie White is a licensed marriage and family therapist with Prisma Health. For more information, go to prismahealth.org/flourish. And if you found this podcast helpful, please share it on your social channels and check out our entire podcast library for topics of interest to you. This is Flourish, a podcast from Prisma Health.