Having Hard Discussions About Caregiving: Part 2
Talking to siblings or other relatives about your loved one's health and care plan can be extremely challenging. Here's how caregivers can involve family members and work together to plan for their loved one's future. April Suva-Surovi, CDP, Arden Courts - ProMedica Memory Care, shares her guidance on the topic.
Featured Speaker:
April Suva-Surovi, CDP
April M. Suva-Surovi, certified dementia practitioner, is the senior community relations specialist for Arden Courts Memory Care Assisted Living of Bath, Westlake, Parma and Chagrin Falls, where she counsels and educates caregivers, family members and health care professionals on various topics related to Alzheimer’s disease and dementia. She has been trained on the latest information regarding background information and research related to Alzheimer’s disease and related dementias through our Assisted Living Division training program, seminars and continuing education programs that focus on dementia and senior care, along with partnership educations with area physicians. April currently facilitates virtual Lewy body dementia and frontotemporal degeneration caregiver support groups. Transcription:
Having Hard Discussions About Caregiving: Part 2
Joey Wahler (Host): Planning caregiving for a senior involves family decisions, so in part two of this two-part episode, we're discussing how to approach siblings or other family members about arranging care for a parent or another. Our guest, April Suva-Suravi, she's Senior Community Relations Specialist for Arden Courts of ProMedica Memory Care assisted living. This is Happily Ever After 40, a podcast from ProMedica, where we discuss midwife health and wellbeing. Thanks for listening. I'm Joey Wahler. Hi April. Thanks for continuing our discussion.
April Suva-Surovi: I am happy to be here.
Joey Wahler (Host): Great to have you with us. So first, when planning caregiving for a senior, why is involving all of the immediate family so important?
April Suva-Surovi: Well, I don't know about you, but I have siblings , and if they aren't included in the conversation, whoa, that makes for some fun times. so it is truly important. Everybody's on board when it comes to having these discussions. Family dynamics are so different for each and every family. You may have a large family, a small family. You have families that get along and families that don't get along. So it's not gonna be cookie cutter situation for everybody. But the idea is include everybody, whether they like it or not, and then that will make sure that there's not difficulties in communication down the road.
Joey Wahler (Host): So, having said that, what are a few of the tasks involved in this process that relatives can divvy up to make the planning process easier for everyone?
April Suva-Surovi: Well, first of all, definitely wanna make sure that you have the communication in place to have conversations with your family. So whether it's distributing the tasks, I think that you have to look at it from the perspective of, okay, first, who's on board? going back to that first, who's on board with this? There's been changes with dad. We really need to have this conversation. this really hits home for me because my sister's the primary caregiver for my dad who is outta state and we work really hard to manage him and our sibling relationship. And so when you're divvying up these tasks, you wanna make sure that, we're each on board for them.
And we understand clearly the responsibility of those tasks. So, for example, my sister's in charge of the physician's appointments. My sister's in charge of having those conversations with the doctors and nurses. I'm in charge of having the conversations with dad after them. How did they go? my other sister's in charge of visiting on certain days to spend quality time with him so my other sister gets a break. So, just making sure that each person knows clearly what their task is and that they're okay with it.
Joey Wahler (Host): Well, as you allude to April, relatives of course sometimes disagree to say the least on what care is best for mom or dad or whomever is involved. So what tips do you have for how they can work that out? And again, we realize of course, that this takes on many different shapes, right?
April Suva-Surovi: Yes, So this kind of makes me smile and chuckle a little bit, because my sister will call and the first thing I hear is your father. And then I immediately know, Uh oh, something's going on.
Joey Wahler (Host): It's like when I tell my wife her daughter is crying.
April Suva-Surovi: Yeah. It's exactly. and so I think we work very hard at, and I'm not saying there hasn't been some obstacles, but we work very hard because we set up some really good guidelines, for our relationship and our communication with each other. And so some tips I can give is number one, be respect ful. Be respectful to each other, remain calm in this situation, even if one of one person's having a moment and needs to vent, remain calm, and focus on the present situation and needs. Sometimes a lot of people will go back and say, you weren't there for this or you didn't do this.
And it's really best to focus on, okay, so this is what's going on today. This is the current situation and this is really what needs to be done. Try not to focus on the past, and speak only for yourself because in caregiving and in relationships, we can't speak for other people. I can't say you're feeling stressed. I may be feeling stressed, but you may be okay. Or, you're in a moment of grief and you're hurt right now. And I'm not, and I'm dealing with it a lot better. So if you're upset and you have to communicate something, only speak for yourself in that moment. , and think about your non-verbal communication, and your body language.
So if you are in front of your partner in caregiving, make sure that your non-verbals, how your face is showing, how you're presenting your body language. That it's not dominating, that it's not, in an angry moment. Or your face isn't giving a, what the heck kind of face. You wanna make sure that you are presently calm and in the moment with them in a very calm, posturing position for them.
Joey Wahler (Host): Gotcha. So what are some of those important decisions and discussions that need to be addressed during the caregiving process that family members need to come together on?
April Suva-Surovi: So hopefully your parent has made those decisions for you and it's making it a lot easier. My dad, for example, made the decision of he wanted a DNR. He has that DNR framed in a nice glass photo frame, and it's hanging on the wall. So everybody knows that should something happen, this is what you do. So my sisters and I, that it has alleviated the stress for us of having to make those very difficult decisions and discussions with him. Other things that, they may have to make sure are the finances in place, if someone has a dementia diagnosis, do we need a guardianship in place for them?
I have seen so many different family dynamics in so many different situations that has happened over the course of time with some families and, fighting and arguing and, the core idea for them is when they can all work together. And so is it time for hospice? Is it time for maybe someone to have skilled care or is it time for them to have an additional caregiver in the home? But the idea is to make sure that when they have those conversations, it's not just one person making the decision that they're all doing it together.
Joey Wahler (Host): And you're serious, right? Your dad actually has his health directive framed?
April Suva-Surovi: I'm not, lying. It's on the wall.
Joey Wahler (Host): Well, I guess that's a lot better than having to rummage through closets or Attics or wherever else to try to find it if you don't know, right?
April Suva-Surovi: Oh, absolutely.
Joey Wahler (Host): How important is it? From your experience, April, in just all the family trying to keep in mind, even if they do disagree at times, that they need to do what's best for the recipient, not what's best for them. And it might sound like duh, but people do lose sight of that in these situations, don't they?
April Suva-Surovi: Oh, for sure. Every person is gonna be going through their own emotions through this. So if their parent is sick, each person may have had a different relationship with that parent. Each one is gonna be grieving in different ways through these processes. And it's not easy, it's hard. but being on the same page together, And, you know, again, practicing those good communication skills, keeping everyone in the loop, letting family members know when their help is wanted and needed.
It allows them to be able to enjoy their loved one through these stages, even though they're difficult. If everybody is a team player and on the same page and doing what's in the best interest of their parent, then they can enjoy these last stages of their loved one's lives together and as a family unit versus against each other.
Joey Wahler (Host): And then finally, even in a best case scenario, let's say good planning has been done ahead of time by mom or dad, and all the siblings are on board and in agreement on most everything. Still needless to say, these decisions, these discussions can be very stressful for kids. What advice do you have in trying to manage that and get through this process?
April Suva-Surovi: Sure. And remember it's How you say things, it's how you say things so that those good communication skills are important when you keep everyone in the loop and everybody knows what's going on, even if it's a doctor's appointment, even if it's, just an update for the day of this is what dad did today, right? My sister's really good with group texts for my other sister and I, and so we make sure, she sends out a group text, this is what happened today. This is how, he did, or this is how the doctor's appointment went. So we're not out of the loop. We know what's going on all as a family unit.
And then remember, you can't read each other's mind. If you don't express what you're feeling, if you don't say, I need a break and I would like to have this needed, I need someone to come here and sit with dad for an hour so I can go to the store. People can't read minds. And so it's important that. communication and that they're expressing their needs and wants, in the moment. Because You'll never get your point across. allow members to help in ways that they're able. So I've seen, you know, some people work full-time, some family members live out of town and aren't able to put in their, caregiving time that they should or need to or can.
So help is gonna look. and be respectful of that, that you may have taken on the caregiving in the home, but that other person may not be able to be there the way you are. How is that help gonna be different for them? And then having family meetings, it's a must in person, virtually come together with a, cup of coffee in the morning, a bottle of wine in the evening, whatever it may be. But have those family meetings. Talk, talk is a must. Communicate, share your feelings and be a strong family unit for your loved one.
Joey Wahler (Host): Well, again, really good advice and certainly much of it in your case comes from personal experience. Folks, we trust you're now more familiar with discussing caregiving with the immediate family, and we invite you to listen to part one of this episode on addressing planning with the recipient. April. Thanks so much again.
April Suva-Surovi: Thank you so much.
Joey Wahler (Host): And for more information, please visit promedica.org. Again, that's promedica.org. If you found this podcast helpful, please do share it on your social media. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, stay Happily Ever After 40. I'm Joey Wahler,
Having Hard Discussions About Caregiving: Part 2
Joey Wahler (Host): Planning caregiving for a senior involves family decisions, so in part two of this two-part episode, we're discussing how to approach siblings or other family members about arranging care for a parent or another. Our guest, April Suva-Suravi, she's Senior Community Relations Specialist for Arden Courts of ProMedica Memory Care assisted living. This is Happily Ever After 40, a podcast from ProMedica, where we discuss midwife health and wellbeing. Thanks for listening. I'm Joey Wahler. Hi April. Thanks for continuing our discussion.
April Suva-Surovi: I am happy to be here.
Joey Wahler (Host): Great to have you with us. So first, when planning caregiving for a senior, why is involving all of the immediate family so important?
April Suva-Surovi: Well, I don't know about you, but I have siblings , and if they aren't included in the conversation, whoa, that makes for some fun times. so it is truly important. Everybody's on board when it comes to having these discussions. Family dynamics are so different for each and every family. You may have a large family, a small family. You have families that get along and families that don't get along. So it's not gonna be cookie cutter situation for everybody. But the idea is include everybody, whether they like it or not, and then that will make sure that there's not difficulties in communication down the road.
Joey Wahler (Host): So, having said that, what are a few of the tasks involved in this process that relatives can divvy up to make the planning process easier for everyone?
April Suva-Surovi: Well, first of all, definitely wanna make sure that you have the communication in place to have conversations with your family. So whether it's distributing the tasks, I think that you have to look at it from the perspective of, okay, first, who's on board? going back to that first, who's on board with this? There's been changes with dad. We really need to have this conversation. this really hits home for me because my sister's the primary caregiver for my dad who is outta state and we work really hard to manage him and our sibling relationship. And so when you're divvying up these tasks, you wanna make sure that, we're each on board for them.
And we understand clearly the responsibility of those tasks. So, for example, my sister's in charge of the physician's appointments. My sister's in charge of having those conversations with the doctors and nurses. I'm in charge of having the conversations with dad after them. How did they go? my other sister's in charge of visiting on certain days to spend quality time with him so my other sister gets a break. So, just making sure that each person knows clearly what their task is and that they're okay with it.
Joey Wahler (Host): Well, as you allude to April, relatives of course sometimes disagree to say the least on what care is best for mom or dad or whomever is involved. So what tips do you have for how they can work that out? And again, we realize of course, that this takes on many different shapes, right?
April Suva-Surovi: Yes, So this kind of makes me smile and chuckle a little bit, because my sister will call and the first thing I hear is your father. And then I immediately know, Uh oh, something's going on.
Joey Wahler (Host): It's like when I tell my wife her daughter is crying.
April Suva-Surovi: Yeah. It's exactly. and so I think we work very hard at, and I'm not saying there hasn't been some obstacles, but we work very hard because we set up some really good guidelines, for our relationship and our communication with each other. And so some tips I can give is number one, be respect ful. Be respectful to each other, remain calm in this situation, even if one of one person's having a moment and needs to vent, remain calm, and focus on the present situation and needs. Sometimes a lot of people will go back and say, you weren't there for this or you didn't do this.
And it's really best to focus on, okay, so this is what's going on today. This is the current situation and this is really what needs to be done. Try not to focus on the past, and speak only for yourself because in caregiving and in relationships, we can't speak for other people. I can't say you're feeling stressed. I may be feeling stressed, but you may be okay. Or, you're in a moment of grief and you're hurt right now. And I'm not, and I'm dealing with it a lot better. So if you're upset and you have to communicate something, only speak for yourself in that moment. , and think about your non-verbal communication, and your body language.
So if you are in front of your partner in caregiving, make sure that your non-verbals, how your face is showing, how you're presenting your body language. That it's not dominating, that it's not, in an angry moment. Or your face isn't giving a, what the heck kind of face. You wanna make sure that you are presently calm and in the moment with them in a very calm, posturing position for them.
Joey Wahler (Host): Gotcha. So what are some of those important decisions and discussions that need to be addressed during the caregiving process that family members need to come together on?
April Suva-Surovi: So hopefully your parent has made those decisions for you and it's making it a lot easier. My dad, for example, made the decision of he wanted a DNR. He has that DNR framed in a nice glass photo frame, and it's hanging on the wall. So everybody knows that should something happen, this is what you do. So my sisters and I, that it has alleviated the stress for us of having to make those very difficult decisions and discussions with him. Other things that, they may have to make sure are the finances in place, if someone has a dementia diagnosis, do we need a guardianship in place for them?
I have seen so many different family dynamics in so many different situations that has happened over the course of time with some families and, fighting and arguing and, the core idea for them is when they can all work together. And so is it time for hospice? Is it time for maybe someone to have skilled care or is it time for them to have an additional caregiver in the home? But the idea is to make sure that when they have those conversations, it's not just one person making the decision that they're all doing it together.
Joey Wahler (Host): And you're serious, right? Your dad actually has his health directive framed?
April Suva-Surovi: I'm not, lying. It's on the wall.
Joey Wahler (Host): Well, I guess that's a lot better than having to rummage through closets or Attics or wherever else to try to find it if you don't know, right?
April Suva-Surovi: Oh, absolutely.
Joey Wahler (Host): How important is it? From your experience, April, in just all the family trying to keep in mind, even if they do disagree at times, that they need to do what's best for the recipient, not what's best for them. And it might sound like duh, but people do lose sight of that in these situations, don't they?
April Suva-Surovi: Oh, for sure. Every person is gonna be going through their own emotions through this. So if their parent is sick, each person may have had a different relationship with that parent. Each one is gonna be grieving in different ways through these processes. And it's not easy, it's hard. but being on the same page together, And, you know, again, practicing those good communication skills, keeping everyone in the loop, letting family members know when their help is wanted and needed.
It allows them to be able to enjoy their loved one through these stages, even though they're difficult. If everybody is a team player and on the same page and doing what's in the best interest of their parent, then they can enjoy these last stages of their loved one's lives together and as a family unit versus against each other.
Joey Wahler (Host): And then finally, even in a best case scenario, let's say good planning has been done ahead of time by mom or dad, and all the siblings are on board and in agreement on most everything. Still needless to say, these decisions, these discussions can be very stressful for kids. What advice do you have in trying to manage that and get through this process?
April Suva-Surovi: Sure. And remember it's How you say things, it's how you say things so that those good communication skills are important when you keep everyone in the loop and everybody knows what's going on, even if it's a doctor's appointment, even if it's, just an update for the day of this is what dad did today, right? My sister's really good with group texts for my other sister and I, and so we make sure, she sends out a group text, this is what happened today. This is how, he did, or this is how the doctor's appointment went. So we're not out of the loop. We know what's going on all as a family unit.
And then remember, you can't read each other's mind. If you don't express what you're feeling, if you don't say, I need a break and I would like to have this needed, I need someone to come here and sit with dad for an hour so I can go to the store. People can't read minds. And so it's important that. communication and that they're expressing their needs and wants, in the moment. Because You'll never get your point across. allow members to help in ways that they're able. So I've seen, you know, some people work full-time, some family members live out of town and aren't able to put in their, caregiving time that they should or need to or can.
So help is gonna look. and be respectful of that, that you may have taken on the caregiving in the home, but that other person may not be able to be there the way you are. How is that help gonna be different for them? And then having family meetings, it's a must in person, virtually come together with a, cup of coffee in the morning, a bottle of wine in the evening, whatever it may be. But have those family meetings. Talk, talk is a must. Communicate, share your feelings and be a strong family unit for your loved one.
Joey Wahler (Host): Well, again, really good advice and certainly much of it in your case comes from personal experience. Folks, we trust you're now more familiar with discussing caregiving with the immediate family, and we invite you to listen to part one of this episode on addressing planning with the recipient. April. Thanks so much again.
April Suva-Surovi: Thank you so much.
Joey Wahler (Host): And for more information, please visit promedica.org. Again, that's promedica.org. If you found this podcast helpful, please do share it on your social media. Thanks again for listening. Until next time, stay Happily Ever After 40. I'm Joey Wahler,