Transcription:
Teaching Teens to Have Healthy Relationships

Prakash Chandran (Host): Teenagers today clearly face many obstacles in learning to navigate the modern world. This might include economic barriers and education, social media influence, and a growing mental health crisis. However, one of the most concerning problems facing teens today is violence in romantic relationships. Feelings of shame and anxiety may prevent teens from telling their parents about their abuse or worse, they may not even be aware that they're experiencing abuse at all. Joining us today to discuss is Zaneh Adya, the Teen Peers Educating Peers program manager with ProMedica.

Welcome to Happily Ever After 40, a podcast brought to you by ProMedica, where we discuss midlife health and wellbeing. In this episode, we'll talk about teaching teens to have healthy relationships. My name is Prakash Chandran. Zaneh, thank you so much for being here today. I truly appreciate your time. This is obviously a very important topic that we're talking about, but let's start with the basics. Why exactly is it so important to talk about healthy relationships among teenagers?

Zaneh Adya: Yeah, absolutely. And thank you so much for having me. Truly, it's an honor. I'm so excited to be here and to be able to share some education. The first thing that I like to share, not to get too technical or formal, is this statistic, because the first time I learned it, not just in my education or training, but in general, I was amazed by this, but 81% of parents actually think teen dating violence isn't real or isn't an issue. And for me, I don't have kids, but I do have a boatload of nieces and nephews and it's scary to think that they could grow up and not feel comfortable talking about things like this or not know how to navigate a relationship because you're never really taught how to be in a relationship for the first time. Whether it be romantic, whether it be a friendship, you should really learn and recognize the signs of how to identify whether something is healthy or unhealthy.

Host: Absolutely. And that is a staggering statistic, 81% of parents. I almost can't even believe that's true. You know, oftentimes we hear about having a conversation about the bird and the bees, but like you said, they're not necessarily taught about all the dynamics of a relationship. So, I guess two things, one is why do you feel like parents are so blind to teen dating violence? And secondly, what can we do about it?

Zaneh Adya: To answer your first question is that it's just so normal. It's a part of life to be in relationships. You have a crush, you know, you think, "I like this girl. I like this boy." Naturally, the first thing that you do is you want to get into a relationship with them or go on a date, but you don't have that conversation of what does it mean to go on this date, you know? And so, you just go and everything is fine until it's not fine. Especially now, now that we have social media. Something that I tell all of the students in our program is nowadays, I feel like kids break up and get back together 15 times and they think it's normal and they don't talk to their parents about it or do anything about it. And so, their parents don't know, and that's why that that statistic is so staggering is because it was never addressed. And I think having that conversation when they have that birds and bees conversation is so essential. And that really is the second step to answer your second question.

Host: Yeah. And to expand on that a little bit, I do feel like sometimes parents feel like they don't have the vocabulary or the tools to have that conversation with their teen. So, do you have any recommendations, or maybe you can speak to the red flags or green flags that both them and their teens should be aware of.

Zaneh Adya: Absolutely. So, to follow a spectrum, there is a healthy, unhealthy and abusive relationship spectrum. A healthy relationship, obviously, you should trust your partner. There should be respect. There should be an equal partnership. There should be a balance of power and control. Whereas in an unhealthy relationship, maybe there's disrespect, dishonesty and, in an abusive relationship, you feel like they're trying to control you and manipulate you. You should never feel that way. And even if it's just one time, even though toxic relationships are a pattern, that one time is never okay, and you should try to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. But your parent is your best friend at the end of the day, or they should be, and they should be able to recognize those things. And I know it may be hard because not every child grows up in a household where they see healthy relationships, but learning the education, getting the education out there, it's truly so important.

Host: Absolutely. So when you were talking about this spectrum of healthy, unhealthy, and abusive, you mentioned a couple things around that balance of power and disrespect and dishonesty. Are there things that you see more often than others within these teen relationships?

Zaneh Adya: I think. Especially right now, with social media and culture, there's a lot of imbalance of using social media to track their partners on their phones or isolating them from their friends or their family, which is crazy. Because I feel like when I was in high school or when I was younger, that was not a thing. You know, we didn't have Find My Friends or Life360 or whatever they're called. And so to be able to find the route of where your partner is is scary, and that's what they're using to manipulate them and get them to stay. And the cycle of abuse of trying to keep them in that relationship and to lure them in and give them gifts and beg them to stay, that's something that's happening more and more consistently. And teens are not leaving the relationships because they're scared.

Host: Yeah. And I think another part of this, I heard or listened to an interview recently where they said that when you're wearing rose-colored glasses in the beginning of a relationship, that all red flags just look like flags, right? It just feels very normal. And I mean, I certainly remember my first romantic relationship, in a teen, that's just so powerful. So, you tend to overlook all of the things that you're talking about. So, this leads me to wonder how parents and their teens can actually recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. How can they do something about it and start addressing the issues that make them uncomfortable?

Zaneh Adya: Absolutely. Like you said, you're not ever getting into a relationship thinking, "Oh, this is the relationship that's going to be abusive. This is the relationship that I'm going to struggle to get out of or that's going to potentially ruin my life or cause harm." And I think, as we move forward in a society, starting that conversation early, trying to have healthy habits in our homes, not just in romantic relationships, but also in our friendships, in our everyday lives with those who we care about, talking about red flags and green flags, utilizing the website, loveisrespect.org, all of the national resources and guidelines and having these conversations of how do we communicate effectively and properly with each other and build relationships on trust and honesty and communication, and recognize when our teens are struggling and need us the most, instead of ignoring them and brushing it off, "Oh, this is just another relationship. We all go through it. They'll be fine. They'll be fine" and potentially letting them stay in a relationship that could really harm them.

Host: Yeah. And I feel when you're trying to talk to your teen as a parent and you're trying to figure out how the relationship is going, they may be pretty silent, right? They maybe say like, "Oh yeah, everything is okay," but you kind of have that parental instinct and you might detect that something is wrong, how do you deal with that as a parent, or do you have any recommendations as to how to have that conversation with a teen that maybe doesn't want to share too much?

Zaneh Adya: I would say trusting your instinct, trusting your gut. As a parent of a teen, like I said, I have nieces and nephews, only one of them is a teen so far who would probably talk to me, the rest are still too young. But I think I would go to their friends and parents, could go to their friends, go to those in their lives who they trust and try to pinpoint it, trusting their gut, trusting their instinct. They know them better than anyone else, so they know if something is wrong, they know if they're more isolated from their friends or they feel like something is changing, especially if there are more severe changes. They're skipping school. They're not hanging out. They were once bubbly and full of life, and they're only spending time with their partner. Of course, you should want to spend time with your partner, but as a teenager in high school, they should not be the center of their universe at that point. That is not something that's okay. So definitely all of those things are warning signs.

Host: Yeah, that totally makes sense. On the other side of the spectrum, you sometimes have teens that do share information with the parents. So my friend, for example, has a teen that was basically just making a lot of excuses for their partner around certain behavior. And it gave the opportunity for my friend to say, "Hey, if you're making a lot of excuses for your partner, this might be an unhealthy relationship." Is this something that you see as well?

Zaneh Adya: Absolutely. I think, you know, if you have to justify it all the time, it could be that you just don't recognize that you're in that relationship. And we do see that, and I have seen that within my schools and within my students and even on social media. Unfortunately, that's a part of the big problem, is that no one is ever taught what a healthy and an unhealthy relationship looks like. And it's very challenging to admit. No one wants to admit they're in an unhealthy relationship. It's very scary at times, makes you feel like you did something wrong, like it's your fault for being in the relationship and staying in the relationship. So, it could have been that they were just scared to admit and get the help. But when it gets to that point, unfortunately, the only thing to do is to just try to get them to leave and talk to them.

Host: So, let's talk about that piece of it, the intervention piece of it, and not like the TV show intervention, but when it comes to your child, I'm sure that that's not always easy to do. They feel so strongly about the person that they're with. Do you have any recommendations around when you recognize that they are in an unhealthy situation, how to get them to recognize it for themselves and to take action?

Zaneh Adya: So, I would say that this is probably the hardest part, especially for a teenager. And this is because most teenagers are not dating outside of their social circle and they're not dating outside of their high schools or people that they see very regularly. So, this person is not going to go away from their life, unfortunately. They're going to see them at school. They're probably not going to unfollow them on social media. No matter what you tell them, no matter if you beg or take away their phone. They believe that eventually they might change or maybe they'll want to get back together. But I think making sure that your child is safe and your teen gets the help that they need and recovers from that trauma. And then looking at the second piece of how do you make sure that their partner stays away from them, whether that's talking to the school and making sure that their classes don't overlap or talking to the other people in the social circle and just overall making sure that your teen recognizes what they went through and is aware of that was a very unhealthy relationship.

It's not going to happen overnight, especially if they felt very strongly about the person they were dating and they loved them. And you as a parent took them out of the relationship, not on their own accord. You had to parent them and you essentially took them out and asked them to leave, the teen may not be willing to do that. But unfortunately, it's the hardest role as a parent and you have to protect them. So, just making sure all of the bases are covered and your child is protected.

Host: Yeah, I'm so glad that you said that. As I hear you talk and I hear about these relationship dynamics, it really feels like this can be applied to all types of relationships, even outside of dating, because it's really a journey in gaining confidence and self-respect for oneself. Can you speak to how this information can be applied outside of a romantic relationship?

Zaneh Adya: Absolutely. One thing I always like to say, anytime I talk about it in general is not everyone is dating in high school or middle school or even in college. I know a lot of people who didn't start dating until their senior year of high school until their freshman year of college. And I think recognizing the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships in general is a skill that takes a long time, especially if someone makes you feel a specific way about yourself. If someone can manipulate you to the point where you are allowing them to change the way that you decide to do things or if you are going out and doing things that you're not comfortable doing, that's not okay, whether it be a friendship, whether it be family, especially maybe a parental relationship, these are all important things to look out for.

Host: Well, this has been, Zaneh, a really fascinating conversation. I really appreciate your time. Just before we close here today, I know you've obviously talked to a lot of people about this important information, but if there's one thing that you know to be true that you want to leave our audience with, what might that be?

Zaneh Adya: I would say that navigating relationships is hard and navigating teen relationships, especially for the first time, is even harder. And it is scary and there are ups and downs. The education is very important, but they do get better. They do get better, as we all know. And I think it's important to recognize the difference. And if you know someone who is in a toxic relationship or if your teen is in a toxic relationship, please do not ignore them, please get them the help that they need and make sure that they can recover from that trauma fully, so that it helps them in adulthood, it helps them in college, helps them in life in general, and they're able to maintain healthy relationships in the future.

Host: I couldn't agree more. And something that I'm taking away and I will take away from this conversation is just the importance of having those conversations. We're not taught in school specifically about how to have healthy relationships. And I think that it is our jobs, especially as parents, to have that conversation with our children so they know how to navigate it. So, Zaneh, thank you so much for your time today. I truly appreciate it.

Zaneh Adya: Thank you so much. It was an honor to be here. It was great speaking with you.

Host: That was Zaneh Adya, the Teen Peers Educating Peers program manager with ProMedica. For more information, you can visit promedica.org. If you found this podcast to be helpful, please share it on your social channels and be sure to check out the entire podcast library for topics of interest to you. My name's Prakash Chandran. Thanks again for listening. And until next time, stay happily ever after 40.