Transcription:
Navigating a Relationship After Injury

Prakash Chandran (Host): Welcome to Picking Our Brain with Shepherd Center. I'm Prakash Chandran. After any injury, it's important to have a solid support system to navigate the physical and mental aspects of recovery, but that can be difficult for both the patient and the partner. Sometimes navigating relationship after an injury can feel as frustrating as the recovery itself. Here to share their story is David Carter. He's a Peer Support Liaison for Shepherd Center and his wife, Brittany Carter. Brittany and David, thank you so much for being with us today. I really appreciate your time, Brittany. I'd love to start with you. Let's just start at the beginning. How exactly did you two meet and what made you interested in one another?

Brittany Carter (Guest): Sure. So I was attending the University of South Alabama as a Recreation Therapist or studying to become a recreation therapist. And as part of our curriculum, they wanted us to volunteer at a camp that was put on by Shepherd Center. So we drove up for a weekend and while I was volunteering there, I met a man named David and really just took a liking to him.

I really liked his zest for life. He was very optimistic. Didn't really see his disability. Just really got to know the person and that's how it all started. And we went from there. We didn't start dating until about four or five months after, but the rest has been history.

Host: So David, you know, Brittany touched on this briefly, but could you actually tell us a little bit about your injury and some of the challenges you faced dating after your injury?

David Carter (Guest): Yeah, I sustained a spinal cord injury from a motorcycle accident in 2010 when I was 24 years old. And after going through the recovery process, which was at Shepherd Center and learning how to pretty much do everything all over again, that you learn from a young kid growing up; the dating was kind of the last thing that I really focused on whenever I was inpatient.

And then once I was able to go home and get back into kind of a normal life, dating became a little bit of an issue with trying to interact with people and not see them see the chair and they didn't see the disability. And that was one of the less difficult things when I met Brittany, because she kind of saw me for me, as opposed to seeing the injury and seeing all the baggage that came with the spinal cord injury.

So dating scene was a little bit difficult for me for a few years until I created or not really created that re-established my confidence and what I was able to do and the things that I could present to people and talk about how positive some of the not so much how difficult things were, but how positive it could be in the long run, if you're willing to work with what you've got.

Host: And David, I want to just expand on that a little bit more before we move on, because I imagine that for a lot of people in your position, the confidence aspect, it's something that's hard to re-establish, especially when it comes to dating. So, you know, I know that you kind of spoke to trying to look at the positive sides and all of the opportunity that was in front of you, but how long did that process take for yourself until you could get to the point to where, for example, you could speak to Brittany in a way where you were coming from a place of confidence.

David: It honestly took a few years before I could do that. And one of the main reasons was because I didn't have a whole lot of people to interact with except the people that I grew up with. And once I got connected with the sports team up at Shepherd Center and got around a lot of the, a lot of other people that had sustained similar injuries as mine, and was able to go to competitions and really represent something that helped build my confidence and okay, I can still do these things because it wasn't just sitting around the house and waiting for somebody to call or trying to find somebody to hang out with. I had an objective and I had a challenge which was relearning a sport that I grew up doing and putting it to practice in competitions and being able to represent the Atlanta region, but as well, Shepherd Center, myself, my family, and those are some of the stories that I tend to bring up of things that I was able to overcome. And that was kind of, for the most part, that was the confidence that I needed to be able to speak to someone in case they ask a question, I had some information to say and to bring out onto the table. So I would say probably, overall, probably about three years after my injury, before I could comfortably engage with somebody and have some stuff to talk about.

Host: And David, just so the audience is aware, like tell us what life looks like now. That you mentioned that you're in a wheelchair. Tell us a little bit about where the injury left you just physically and yeah, just expand on that a little bit.

David: My feeling and function stops around where the sternum is. So about mid-chest. I have no leg function. I have no sensation beneath that. I use a manual wheelchair to go to and from locations, to travel around the house, to be able to take care of my son. I drive a minivan to be able to get from location to location. And it's easier for me to get in and out of, because I don't have to worry about taking my chair apart unless I'm working on it. Then I have to drive my wife's car, which consists of taking the chair apart, which is not fun.

Host: Yeah, absolutely. Now, before we move on, Brittany, I wanted to maybe ask you to expand a little bit more on what really drew you to David. And the reason I want to do this is because there are going to be people that are perhaps earlier on their journey to recovery, that can't even imagine someone falling for them in a world after their injury. So maybe talk to us a little bit about from the moment you saw David, what really made you fall for him?

Brittany: Well, I will say that the first thing I noticed when I was walking towards him at the camp was his smile. And he was just very easy going, very easy to conversate with, but he had a passion for, he's big into water skiing. So he had a passion for that. And that's kind of what drove me to him because I could see that he had a passion and he was very funny. He joked around about a lot of stuff. He didn't take life very serious. You know, as far as that was his coping mechanism, which I thought was very attractive. I mean, there's so many things that attracted me to David and over time that attraction grew into a love, a deep love for him.

I mean, I, it's hard to pick a couple things because I just, there's things that I keep learning about him every day. I mean, his, he's very hardworking and he's very motivated. He's sweet. He's, I mean he's attractive physically. I mean, there's a lot.

Host: No, I love that. And I think it's just important for people to understand a lot of the things that attracted you to David aren't necessarily physical. I know you, that's the last thing that you mentioned, which is obviously a plus, but there are so many things around his work ethic, around his personality, around him making you laugh, around him just being passionate and having a zest for life, that is an attractive quality. And I think that's something that everyone can take away from this conversation, that those are the key qualities that really attract one person to another. Brittany, I still want to, you know, to ask like, you know, so now after you started the relationship with David, talk a little bit about some of the biggest challenges that you faced in the relationship together.

Brittany: It's really hard for me to articulate because when there is a challenge that kind of presents itself, we just really work around it. Of course this was a little bit later in our relationship, but finding a house was a little bit difficult just because we had to make sure that the house was one level and it was open enough to where, you know, he could move his chair around you know, there's vacations, going on vacations, making sure that there's an accessible room, making sure that the location that we go to is accessible.

You know, dealing with people who park in handicap spots and kind of how to go about that and educating people, why that they do need to reserve those spots for people that do have physical disabilities. I mean, there's a list of challenges that we face, but we've kind of just taken each challenge, you know, one at a time, faced it head on and that's really helped us grow as a couple.

Host: David I'll ask that same question of you, especially after you started dating and the relationship started evolving. Talk a little bit about some of the biggest challenges for you.

David: There's actually one that I can hit on. The first date of Brittany and I, we went to a restaurant on the Northern side of Atlanta and I had been there before and they had an open table. Most restaurants will have tables and booths. Well, this one only had like one, maybe two tables.

And they were party sized tables to be able to seat a bunch of people, as opposed to what max four people at the average booth. When we get there and both of the tables were actually booked because they had birthday parties that they were celebrating both of them. So she and I had to get into the booth, which was a little bit, it wasn't difficult. And it hasn't really been difficult for me in a long time. Ever since I went through my therapy and learned how do proper transfers and make sure I've got all the right equipment to be able to do everything, but it was her first experience seeing it. And it kind of worried me that she was going to think, oh no, is this going to be every single time we go to a restaurant?

Which of course, thankfully, she has seen multiple ways to be able to do things, but that was a fear that just a first interaction, well, technically second interaction, but the first real world interaction that wasn't the adventure skills workshop through Shepherd Center, where she had to see me kind of figure something out firsthand. And I thought I don't know if this is going to work well.

Host: Yeah. You know, one thing that I have heard from others in your position, David, is that there's a sense of sometimes embarrassment the first time that their partner or to be partner witnesses them trying to figure something out. Did you experience any of that? And if so, how did you go about overcoming it?

David: I did kind of start sweating a little bit. I'm not going to lie. I was nervous. I was nervous to begin with just because of it being on the first date and trying to make a good impression and trying to make sure that she believed everything that I tried to convince her to believe in, no I'm just playing. But that was a big fear was she saw me kind of not so much struggle with it, but just worry right off the bat. And I know I probably had a paniced look on my face thinking, but what if I'm faced with a situation similar to this, and I'm not able to figure it out as easily as I figured this one out. So, that was a really big thing. And I know I looked stressed. I felt it.

Host: Now, Brittany, as you hear David recount your first date and some of the challenges that he went through. Tell me what was going through your mind. Like, did it matter? Where you kind of concerned about some of the things that David had articulated? Talk to us about what you were thinking.

Brittany: I will honestly say that it did not really matter to me. It was something that of course was new to me. And in a way it was a little uncomfortable in a sense. But at the same time, I had all the confidence in David. You know, I actually enjoyed being with him on a first date, trying to figure things out. I thought that was really, you know, neat. And it kinda, cause I think a lot of people you know, they see people with a physical disability and they immediately think, oh, this person can't do this. This person needs help. So, just kind of stepping back and witnessing David figuring something out like that, was pretty cool. And I will say, since then, like there have been a number of times where he has figured out a situation where I'm, you know, sitting there, like, I don't know how he just did this. So, and I think that was another thing that really attracted me to David was his ability to problem-solve and he doesn't really get embarrassed, which, you know, there's nothing wrong with feeling embarrassed, but he was able to problem-solve then, and he's problem-solved everyday, since, you know, with things like that.

David: Yeah. And I'd like to add that after we finally got seated, the conversation just went back to exactly how it was as we were waiting for them to find us a table, it never really skipped a beat. And I think that was another thing that I was really thankful for because she didn't see it as a negative.

She didn't see it as, oh no, I need to go to the restroom and then never come back. She actually stayed there and we talked for I think it was like three, three and a half, maybe four hours. We had dinner and then we just sat there and talked. So it never even messed up the interaction that we had. It never messed up our date. And if anything, like she said, I guess it must've strengthened her views on me, just being able to navigate through some of these crazy obstacles that you face with any kind of physical limitations or ailments.

Host: Yeah, I love that. Now, David, you had talked about a three to four year journey that you went on in building that self-confidence before you met Brittany, but I'm curious to learn about her role in your life as a support system afterwards. Like, do you find that having a partner like Brittany has been able to help you on your journey to recovery? Whatever that means for you.

David: Yes, it did help with a lot of those things because it gave me somebody I could vent to and somebody that I could talk to that she may not have completely understood every single issue that I faced and everything that I had to overcome, but it gave me somebody that could see it firsthand. I had friends that I could hang out with and they would see me once a week, once every two weeks, something like that.

I had my siblings that I would see occasionally. I had my parents that I would see pretty normal. What they would see, wasn't kind of out in the real world and some of the difficulties that came with it and having Brittany there with me, gave me the ability to not only have some assistance, but at the same time, helped me overcome some of the obstacles mentally that like somebody staring at you whenever you're getting out of the vehicle or some of the other issues that may come from any kind of a physical set of baggage that most people aren't used to seeing and interacting with. So, yes, I think that having somebody else there to be able to help you cope with a lot of these difficulties with psuch passion for me, showing how much she loves me by listening and understanding. And even saying a couple of times, I don't know exactly what you're talking about, but I'm here for you regardless of how difficult it may be from your side or not.

Host: Now, Brittany, obviously you have had to go through lots of different circumstances and situations in living life with David. You know, for those that are listening, that are in a relationship where one person has potentially suffered an injury similar to David's, what advice might you have for just making sure that the relationship stays strong or any advice that you have in terms of building and growing together?

Brittany: Have patience. That's probably my biggest piece of advice. And just, the rock for the person and, you know, likewise, I think that David and I we've built a really strong foundation because we are a really good team. We take on the world together and you know, whatever obstacle he goes through, I'm right there with him and vice versa. And really it's made life with someone, who has a spinal cord injury, it's made it to where I don't see the disability. I mean, it's really hard for me to explain. And a lot of people don't understand and, and will not understand because they're not in my shoes. But I do think that, when you have grace for the person and you understand there are going to be some really difficult times and some uncomfortable times just learning to navigate through that together. And like I said, having grace for the other person and patience, I mean, that's really what has helped David and I in our relationship and it's made it stronger in the long run.

David: Yeah. I'd like to add that our level of communication I think it's one of the biggest things and as Brittany talked about after we met it at adventure skills workshop, we didn't go on a date until about four months afterwards, but we still talked and we built a good friendship off of communication. So whenever there are difficult obstacles that have to be worked through, we're able to talk it through, whether that be in our relationship or whether that'd be something physical as far as some kind of limitation with where we're at or what we're doing.

We're able to actually just talk things out, figure out a resolution, before it turns into anything serious and most arguments that we have last 15 minutes. Cause then we'll look at each other and just start laughing and go, what was that for? Or some occasionally they've lasted a little bit longer, but usually we end up laughing and it's because we're talking it out. We're not just cutting each other out and then going into different rooms and being quiet about it. And I think with anything physically, any kind of a disability, whether it be physical, mental, visual, whatever it may be, having a good, strong communication, that's going to be one of the biggest keys to making things work and to overcoming a lot of the problems.

Host: NowBrittany, I hope you don't mind me asking you this question. But one thing that you've made clear is that you love David for him. You almost don't even see the disability and you bring a lot of patience and grace to the relationship. From having conversations with other people in a similar situation, I know that sometimes family and friends don't necessarily agree or align with that view, especially at the beginning of the relationship or as things get serious. So I'm wondering if you experienced any of that and if so, what advice might you have for people going through the same thing?

Brittany: Absolutely. Actually my parents, they were kind of questioning my decision and David, they came from a place of love. But they were concerned that there was going to be a life of difficulties and just having to do things that he wasn't able to do for himself. I do think that a lot of times people have some reservations because they're not educated in the disability. They don't know exactly, what comes along with it. They see a disability and they think that, you know, this person's completely incapable of doing anything. So, my advice is to just follow your heart, trust your instinct innerabled relationships are just as wonderful as able body relationships.

I mean, it's there's no different are some things that you have to kind of work around, but the love and the friendship that you can build within these kind of relationships is the same as any other relationship. I mean, so I just, I really had to follow my heart and now my family, you know, they understand and they absolutely adore David and they're, like I said, blown away with the things that he figures out. So I think a lot of it lies just not really having education of the disability itself.

Host: Now, David, as I mentioned at the top, you are a peer support liaison for Shepherd Center. Tell us a little bit about how that came to be and what your responsibilities entail.

David: So about two years after my injury, I got connections with the peer support up at Shepherd Center. And I started by volunteering, which gave me the ability to go and interact with patients and answer questions that they may have about spinal cord injuries that they can't really get from a doctor, physician, nurse, or anyone that doesn't have real life experience with it, which can, it can actually eliminate a lot of obstacles and a lot of problems that somebody may have when they don't really know who to talk to. They don't have anybody that can give them any kind of experience. So, I volunteered doing that for eight years while I competed with water skiing and went to college, got a degree, met Brittany, got married.

And then when a position came open shortly after I graduated from college, I reached out to the hiring manager and he said, yeah, you would be one of the top picks if that's something that you're interested in. And I decided why not? I mean, it's something that I really enjoy doing and it gives me an opportunity to give back to what Shepherd Center and the therapists were able to do for me because most of them are still there. And they were able to teach me a lot of things that I put into practice. And by doing that, it gave me the ability to explain these things to patients and show patients that life does still continue maybe in a different way, but you can still do a lot of the things that you enjoy doing just a little bit differently.

So, it's rewarding in more ways than being able to support my family. It's it really does a number on my heart, my wellbeing, my mental state. And it's a great job. I really enjoy it.

Host: So Brittany, just as we close here today, I was wondering if you could just share with the audience, what does life look like for both of you today and what are y'all looking forward to?

Brittany: Well, we actually have a little son who is almost a year old. We are enjoying being parents. We are traveling when we can. We have family nearby that we like to go and visit. We have friends that we do things with. We're just living a very fulfilling life and there's a lot of things that we're looking forward to in the future where I think in a year we're gonna celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary. There's just, there's a lot of cool things coming up.

Host: That's absolutely fantastic. And David, just, I wanted to give you the last word, any other words of advice or wisdom that you'd like to share with our audience before we close here?

David: Coming from a catastrophic injury that makes you kind of reevaluate everything in your life and everything that you've known. It can be quite daunting and it can be scary. And having a supportive team behind you is going to be one of the biggest things. And one of the biggest benefits to overcoming those obstacles.

And thankfully, I was able to grow my team. As in having, you know, meeting Brittany and making the connections with her. And now I've got my almost year old son that still helps me to this day overcome a lot of the obstacles because when I come home and I see that smile from him and Brittany, when I come in the house, it just makes the struggle that I go through even better, because I've got something to come home to.

And I've got a reason to continue pushing and overcoming a lot of the obstacles that come with spinal cord injury and the difficulties that we face every single day that most people will never really grasp or understand until they see it firsthand. So, if people can continue pushing and continue grinding, they can meet somebody like what I have and have been blessed with the love that Brittany has shown me by looking past the disability and the baggage that comes with it and just pursuing the dreams that they have set in motion because it can come to light. It just takes time. And definitely being patient with it is a big, big k

Host: Well, David and Brittany, thank you so much for your time and for being an inspiration to us all.

That was David Carter, A Peer Support Liaison for Shepherd Center and his wife, Brittany Carter. For more information, you can visit Shepherd Center at shepherd.org. If you found this podcast to be helpful, please share it on your social channels and be sure to check out the entire podcast library for topics of interest to you.

This is Picking Our Brain was Shepherd Center. I'm Prakash Chandran. Thank you so much. And we'll talk next time.