Bullying
Dr. Lydia Barhight discusses the severe negative consequences associated with bullying, how to address bullying in schools, shares advice for parents on what to do if your child might be experiencing bullying and how to help restore self-confidence in your child if they've been bullied or teased.
Featuring:
Lydia Barhight, PhD
Dr. Lydia Barhight is a licensed clinical psychologist on the Cleft-Craniofacial team at Shriners Hospitals for Children-Chicago. Dr. Barhight received her BA in Psychology from Williams College in Williamstown, Massachusetts and her PhD in Clinical Psychology from the University of Delaware in Newark, Delaware. Prior to joining the team at Shriners Hospitals for Children- Chicago, Dr. Barhight was a pediatric psychologist at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center and Children’s Hospital Colorado. She has expertise in research, program development, consultation, and clinical treatment services for children and adolescents with acute and chronic medical conditions. Dr. Barhight has also authored multiple articles on children’s peer relations and has a particular interest in bullying prevention and intervention. Dr. Barhight is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Society of Pediatric Psychology, and the National Register of Health Service Psychologists. Dr. Barhight enjoys yoga, knitting, reading, and spending time with her husband and two daughters. Transcription:
Melanie Cole (Host): Today we’re talking about bullying, and if children with disabilities are more likely to get bullied. My guest is Dr. Lydia Barhight. She’s a licensed pediatric clinical psychologist on the cleft and craniofacial team at Shriner’s Hospital for Children in Chicago. Dr. Barhight, what an amazing topic this is. We’re seeing so much more bullying, or maybe nowadays it’s just easier with all the technology and social media, so I’d like to ask you first. What’s considered bullying these days and how has it changed over the years?
Dr. Lydia Barhight (Guest): That’s a great question. I think everybody has a thought in their mind when they hear bullying of perhaps incidents that have happened to them or a loved one – when we think about bullying from my perspective as a psychologist, we define bullying as intentional actions that harm or intimidate or humiliate another person, and a key factor there is there’s either a real or a perceived power differential. So for example, one person being physically stronger, or perhaps more socially adapt, and you mentioned trends over time with forms of bullying, and you’re right, we do see now many different formats. There’s forms such as verbal, taunting or threatening, physical bullying, but then also this new whole phenomenon of cyber bullying with social media prevalence, which is a whole new layer to the problem.
Host: So it’s been going on for so many years, thousands of years probably, but why do kids, or people for that matter, bully other people?
Dr. Barhight: So I mentioned before how bullying can have different forms, it can also have different functions or purposes. So this might be to get something tangible such as money or a clothing item, or it could be to assert social dominance, or perhaps to serve in some way to make that individual feel better, and so we often know that modeling is really important, so when children see someone that they respect or have a close relationship with engaging in aggression, they are actually more likely to themselves engage in aggression too.
Host: That’s absolutely true, so if kids see that their parents are general bullies, then they’re going to be more likely to be like that. So I’d like the warning signs from you if you would, for parents, that their child might be getting bullied at school, and as a parent who this happened to my child, may daughter, I was looking for those warning signs myself, so help other parents right now and tell us what to look for.
Dr. Barhight: Absolutely, and parents are such an important piece of this puzzle because you know your children better than anyone. So you may see both overt signs as well as maybe more subtle signs. So children who are being bullied are at risk for a number of negative outcomes, and this could be something clearly obvious such as a physical injury, like a bruise, or a cut, or coming home with a missing item such as missing a new pair of shoe or a new backpack, but often there’s often more subtle signs. So you may see things such as your child not wanting to go to school, or avoiding riding the bus, or maybe their grades are dropping, historically they were a great student and now they’re struggling. We also know that children who are being bullied are more likely to have symptoms of depression, so maybe they seem sad or irritable or are having sleep disturbance or perhaps they seem more anxious to you or more worried. We even sometimes see children who are being victimized complaining of physical complaints, so aches and pains like stomach aches or headaches. Sometimes you’ll see these before school in the morning or on Sunday nights. Some people use the term Sunday scaries, but for these children these could be a very real and very scary reaction and these are all signs that there might be something going on, something upsetting going on at school and that it really needs to be looked into further.
Host: So now as someone who works in the cleft and craniofacial team at Shriner’s, are children with disabilities – have you seen children with cleft palate and craniofacial differences, are they more likely to get bullied and how sad is that?
Dr. Barhight: Yes unfortunately it’s a common problem for many children, but it is an unfortunate reality that children with various disabilities whether it be a physical difference or a developmental delay or even a special emotional need, children with these varied special healthcare needs are at greater risk for being targeted, and this can happen for a number of reasons, perhaps it can be physical vulnerability such as small stature or using mobility equipment or sometimes social skills or communication challenges, and children on our team often have facial difference, and so anything that makes a child be perceived by their peers as different, impacts their risk and increases their risk, and unfortunately we see this especially in schools or classroom environments that aren’t tolerant of differences. So the culture may be one where children who are not consistent with the mainstream are especially vulnerable.
Host: So before we talk about things like IEPs and how you’re helping them, what should a parent do? What’s the first thing we should do if our child exhibits those symptoms or signs or comes right out and tells us as my daughter did that they are being bullied. I mean of course it breaks our heart. What do we do? Do we call the parents of the child who’s doing the bullying? Do we call the school right away? What do we do?
Dr. Barhight: You know I think you’re voicing the conundrum that many parents face when they hear a child telling them that something has happened or when they’re concerned. It can be really overwhelming to know what to do, and obviously different situations call for different interventions. These are some general suggestions, but just keep in mind if you are worried about your child, make sure you do contact your own healthcare team, or your school to seek support because this is something that professionals can walk you through, but just to give you sort of some general pieces of advice, one thing that parents should make sure they do is number one, listen. So if a child comes to you and says that they are being picked on at school or bullied, the first thing I would do is listen emphatically and make sure you have all the details and just be there for that child to talk to, and it’s also really important to praise children for coming to you as an adult, as many children are very worried about repercussions of telling on a peer. This idea that they’re tattling, and so we like to teach kids that you are helping another child learn to be kinder and that it’s never okay for someone to hurt you, so it’s always good to go to an adult, and then we actually usually suggest approaching the school counselor or teacher first before the other parent, simply because there may be many layers to the problem, and finding out from schools what the teacher’s perceptions are or perhaps what’s already being done can be a very helpful first step, and school can also help you navigate a meeting at some point with other families who are involved, if appropriate, but school may have some very helpful thoughts on how to approach next steps.
Host: That’s really great information and so important because for parents, as we said, it’s heartbreaking and it’s frustrating. So what do we tell our child to do? And what kind of services are available, especially for youth with disabilities to help with these things and help them cope, and even to deal with it so it doesn’t happen so much?
Dr. Barhight: Those are all wonderful questions. So for your first question of what to tell the child to do, some general things that we know from research are really helpful are to make sure that your child is surrounded by positive peers. So we know that supportive peers are incredibly powerful and bystanders are very powerful. So bullying rarely happens in isolated settings without witnesses, kids are usually around. So if you can encourage your child to be a support network for their friends and to speak up when they see something, that’s a very powerful full classroom approach. In terms of things your child can do, as I mentioned, always go to an adult, try to make sure you have someone with you so that you’re not alone in times like in the hallway or at recess, offer to do the same for a friend, buddy up. Also practice coping skills, so sometimes children who have various disabilities sometimes perceive bullying situations where perhaps they’re missing a social cue or feeling left out, so it’s also very important to look at social skills more generally and helping kids be cognizant of their feelings and what’s going on around them. You can also practice skills such as calming down, cool down spot, counting to 10, walking away. Sometimes the best things to do is to teach kids how to avoid these situations in the first place, how to be safe, how to be brave, how to make sure they’re setting themselves up for success, but for younger children and children with cognitive or intellectual disabilities, they’re going to need some help to do that, so making sure you’re tapping in teachers, principals, parents, lunchroom services, guidance counselors, there’s a lot of people at school who can be really strong advocates, and if it’s someone that your child trusts, they won’t feel alone.
Host: Really great advice. So what are some general ways to address bullying in schools? How can you help a child, whether they’re a child with disabilities or a child that is the mainstream, what can you do to help a child that is getting bullied, and how do you work with the family, the schools, maybe even siblings might be involved, how can you help?
Dr. Barhight: Absolutely, so screening for peer relationship issues in general is something that at Shriner’s Hospital for Children, we do routinely for our patients because we know that peer relationships are such an important part of childhood and teenager’s lives, so taking a team approach is crucial. If I’m working with a patient, I’m always going to inquire from the family and the patient when appropriate about how the children are getting along with other kids, how they’re feeling about their peers at school, if they feel as though they have friends, if they’re having trouble making friends, and then I think another big piece that we do is to really work with the school. So there are some fantastic programs out there designed for schools that are school wide programs that are really targeted at prevention, so really fostering friendships, building empathy, preventing bullying to make school safer and inclusive for everyone, including children with special healthcare needs. So there are things we can do with the children alone and their family, and there are also things we can do to talk to the school about steps they can take to make sure the whole school is safer for all the children there.
Host: And I think that’s really the most important thing, and it’s really about the safety and the wellbeing, and the mental wellbeing of our children. So as we wrap up, Dr. Barhight, please tell us how you can help restore and how parents can help restore self confidence in our child if they’ve been involved in bullying, how we can teach them – whether it’s standing up for themselves, or going to the right people to get the help that they need, wrap it up with your very best advice for parents listening.
Dr. Barhight: First of all to have hope and know that this is something that’s so common and very upsetting, it’s something that we do know how to help. We have lots of great research coming out with really powerful interventions and prevention programs. So for your child, if you are having a situation, one thing that you can do is schedule positive play dates with friends who are positive and appropriate, consider joining a team or scouting, maybe giving your child leadership opportunities. So for example, reading to a younger child, or teaching a younger child, and really praising your child for coming to you. One of the best things that you can do is help them know that they have a voice and that when they encounter problems that you’re going to help them and that you’ll work on those problems with them and that they’re not alone.
Host: So important for all of us parents to hear and whether or not your child has been bullied or not, you can teach them to be a good role model, and you can teach them to be a good friend. So that’s just great advice. Thank you so much Dr. Barhight for joining us today and sharing your expertise on this very sensitive but such important topic. That wraps up another episode of pediatric specialty care spotlight with Shriner’s Hospital for Children in Chicago. Head on over to our website at shrinerschicago.org for more information and to get connected with one of our providers. If you found this podcast as informative and important as I did, please share on your social media, share with your friends and family, share with the schools, and be sure to check out all the other interesting podcasts in our library. Until next time, I’m Melanie Cole.
Melanie Cole (Host): Today we’re talking about bullying, and if children with disabilities are more likely to get bullied. My guest is Dr. Lydia Barhight. She’s a licensed pediatric clinical psychologist on the cleft and craniofacial team at Shriner’s Hospital for Children in Chicago. Dr. Barhight, what an amazing topic this is. We’re seeing so much more bullying, or maybe nowadays it’s just easier with all the technology and social media, so I’d like to ask you first. What’s considered bullying these days and how has it changed over the years?
Dr. Lydia Barhight (Guest): That’s a great question. I think everybody has a thought in their mind when they hear bullying of perhaps incidents that have happened to them or a loved one – when we think about bullying from my perspective as a psychologist, we define bullying as intentional actions that harm or intimidate or humiliate another person, and a key factor there is there’s either a real or a perceived power differential. So for example, one person being physically stronger, or perhaps more socially adapt, and you mentioned trends over time with forms of bullying, and you’re right, we do see now many different formats. There’s forms such as verbal, taunting or threatening, physical bullying, but then also this new whole phenomenon of cyber bullying with social media prevalence, which is a whole new layer to the problem.
Host: So it’s been going on for so many years, thousands of years probably, but why do kids, or people for that matter, bully other people?
Dr. Barhight: So I mentioned before how bullying can have different forms, it can also have different functions or purposes. So this might be to get something tangible such as money or a clothing item, or it could be to assert social dominance, or perhaps to serve in some way to make that individual feel better, and so we often know that modeling is really important, so when children see someone that they respect or have a close relationship with engaging in aggression, they are actually more likely to themselves engage in aggression too.
Host: That’s absolutely true, so if kids see that their parents are general bullies, then they’re going to be more likely to be like that. So I’d like the warning signs from you if you would, for parents, that their child might be getting bullied at school, and as a parent who this happened to my child, may daughter, I was looking for those warning signs myself, so help other parents right now and tell us what to look for.
Dr. Barhight: Absolutely, and parents are such an important piece of this puzzle because you know your children better than anyone. So you may see both overt signs as well as maybe more subtle signs. So children who are being bullied are at risk for a number of negative outcomes, and this could be something clearly obvious such as a physical injury, like a bruise, or a cut, or coming home with a missing item such as missing a new pair of shoe or a new backpack, but often there’s often more subtle signs. So you may see things such as your child not wanting to go to school, or avoiding riding the bus, or maybe their grades are dropping, historically they were a great student and now they’re struggling. We also know that children who are being bullied are more likely to have symptoms of depression, so maybe they seem sad or irritable or are having sleep disturbance or perhaps they seem more anxious to you or more worried. We even sometimes see children who are being victimized complaining of physical complaints, so aches and pains like stomach aches or headaches. Sometimes you’ll see these before school in the morning or on Sunday nights. Some people use the term Sunday scaries, but for these children these could be a very real and very scary reaction and these are all signs that there might be something going on, something upsetting going on at school and that it really needs to be looked into further.
Host: So now as someone who works in the cleft and craniofacial team at Shriner’s, are children with disabilities – have you seen children with cleft palate and craniofacial differences, are they more likely to get bullied and how sad is that?
Dr. Barhight: Yes unfortunately it’s a common problem for many children, but it is an unfortunate reality that children with various disabilities whether it be a physical difference or a developmental delay or even a special emotional need, children with these varied special healthcare needs are at greater risk for being targeted, and this can happen for a number of reasons, perhaps it can be physical vulnerability such as small stature or using mobility equipment or sometimes social skills or communication challenges, and children on our team often have facial difference, and so anything that makes a child be perceived by their peers as different, impacts their risk and increases their risk, and unfortunately we see this especially in schools or classroom environments that aren’t tolerant of differences. So the culture may be one where children who are not consistent with the mainstream are especially vulnerable.
Host: So before we talk about things like IEPs and how you’re helping them, what should a parent do? What’s the first thing we should do if our child exhibits those symptoms or signs or comes right out and tells us as my daughter did that they are being bullied. I mean of course it breaks our heart. What do we do? Do we call the parents of the child who’s doing the bullying? Do we call the school right away? What do we do?
Dr. Barhight: You know I think you’re voicing the conundrum that many parents face when they hear a child telling them that something has happened or when they’re concerned. It can be really overwhelming to know what to do, and obviously different situations call for different interventions. These are some general suggestions, but just keep in mind if you are worried about your child, make sure you do contact your own healthcare team, or your school to seek support because this is something that professionals can walk you through, but just to give you sort of some general pieces of advice, one thing that parents should make sure they do is number one, listen. So if a child comes to you and says that they are being picked on at school or bullied, the first thing I would do is listen emphatically and make sure you have all the details and just be there for that child to talk to, and it’s also really important to praise children for coming to you as an adult, as many children are very worried about repercussions of telling on a peer. This idea that they’re tattling, and so we like to teach kids that you are helping another child learn to be kinder and that it’s never okay for someone to hurt you, so it’s always good to go to an adult, and then we actually usually suggest approaching the school counselor or teacher first before the other parent, simply because there may be many layers to the problem, and finding out from schools what the teacher’s perceptions are or perhaps what’s already being done can be a very helpful first step, and school can also help you navigate a meeting at some point with other families who are involved, if appropriate, but school may have some very helpful thoughts on how to approach next steps.
Host: That’s really great information and so important because for parents, as we said, it’s heartbreaking and it’s frustrating. So what do we tell our child to do? And what kind of services are available, especially for youth with disabilities to help with these things and help them cope, and even to deal with it so it doesn’t happen so much?
Dr. Barhight: Those are all wonderful questions. So for your first question of what to tell the child to do, some general things that we know from research are really helpful are to make sure that your child is surrounded by positive peers. So we know that supportive peers are incredibly powerful and bystanders are very powerful. So bullying rarely happens in isolated settings without witnesses, kids are usually around. So if you can encourage your child to be a support network for their friends and to speak up when they see something, that’s a very powerful full classroom approach. In terms of things your child can do, as I mentioned, always go to an adult, try to make sure you have someone with you so that you’re not alone in times like in the hallway or at recess, offer to do the same for a friend, buddy up. Also practice coping skills, so sometimes children who have various disabilities sometimes perceive bullying situations where perhaps they’re missing a social cue or feeling left out, so it’s also very important to look at social skills more generally and helping kids be cognizant of their feelings and what’s going on around them. You can also practice skills such as calming down, cool down spot, counting to 10, walking away. Sometimes the best things to do is to teach kids how to avoid these situations in the first place, how to be safe, how to be brave, how to make sure they’re setting themselves up for success, but for younger children and children with cognitive or intellectual disabilities, they’re going to need some help to do that, so making sure you’re tapping in teachers, principals, parents, lunchroom services, guidance counselors, there’s a lot of people at school who can be really strong advocates, and if it’s someone that your child trusts, they won’t feel alone.
Host: Really great advice. So what are some general ways to address bullying in schools? How can you help a child, whether they’re a child with disabilities or a child that is the mainstream, what can you do to help a child that is getting bullied, and how do you work with the family, the schools, maybe even siblings might be involved, how can you help?
Dr. Barhight: Absolutely, so screening for peer relationship issues in general is something that at Shriner’s Hospital for Children, we do routinely for our patients because we know that peer relationships are such an important part of childhood and teenager’s lives, so taking a team approach is crucial. If I’m working with a patient, I’m always going to inquire from the family and the patient when appropriate about how the children are getting along with other kids, how they’re feeling about their peers at school, if they feel as though they have friends, if they’re having trouble making friends, and then I think another big piece that we do is to really work with the school. So there are some fantastic programs out there designed for schools that are school wide programs that are really targeted at prevention, so really fostering friendships, building empathy, preventing bullying to make school safer and inclusive for everyone, including children with special healthcare needs. So there are things we can do with the children alone and their family, and there are also things we can do to talk to the school about steps they can take to make sure the whole school is safer for all the children there.
Host: And I think that’s really the most important thing, and it’s really about the safety and the wellbeing, and the mental wellbeing of our children. So as we wrap up, Dr. Barhight, please tell us how you can help restore and how parents can help restore self confidence in our child if they’ve been involved in bullying, how we can teach them – whether it’s standing up for themselves, or going to the right people to get the help that they need, wrap it up with your very best advice for parents listening.
Dr. Barhight: First of all to have hope and know that this is something that’s so common and very upsetting, it’s something that we do know how to help. We have lots of great research coming out with really powerful interventions and prevention programs. So for your child, if you are having a situation, one thing that you can do is schedule positive play dates with friends who are positive and appropriate, consider joining a team or scouting, maybe giving your child leadership opportunities. So for example, reading to a younger child, or teaching a younger child, and really praising your child for coming to you. One of the best things that you can do is help them know that they have a voice and that when they encounter problems that you’re going to help them and that you’ll work on those problems with them and that they’re not alone.
Host: So important for all of us parents to hear and whether or not your child has been bullied or not, you can teach them to be a good role model, and you can teach them to be a good friend. So that’s just great advice. Thank you so much Dr. Barhight for joining us today and sharing your expertise on this very sensitive but such important topic. That wraps up another episode of pediatric specialty care spotlight with Shriner’s Hospital for Children in Chicago. Head on over to our website at shrinerschicago.org for more information and to get connected with one of our providers. If you found this podcast as informative and important as I did, please share on your social media, share with your friends and family, share with the schools, and be sure to check out all the other interesting podcasts in our library. Until next time, I’m Melanie Cole.