Megan Cullip: Hi! I'm Megan Cullip, Certified Grief Counselor, and I'm here today to talk to you a bit about grief. When we are grieving, it feels like our whole world has shifted. It's important to remember that grief comes in many forms. We often associate it with the death of a person, but grief can accompany divorce, job loss, moving, changing dynamics, and more. Though your world might have been turned upside down, there is hope. There is a way to foster a life of love around the loss. So, let's start with a few misconceptions surrounding grief.

Myth number one, there is a predictable and orderly progression to the experience of grief. Stage-like thinking about both dying and grief has been appealing to many people. Somehow, the stages of grief have helped people make sense out of an experience that isn't as orderly and predictable as we'd like it to be. If only it were that simple. The concept of stages was popularized in 1969 with the publication of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's landmark text on death and dying. Kübler-Ross never intended for people to literally interpret her five stages of dying. However, many people have done just that, not only with the process of dying, but with the process of grief as well.

One such consequence is when people around the grieving person believe that he or she should be in stage II or stage IV by now. Nothing could be further from the truth. Each person's grief is uniquely his or her own. It is neither predictable nor orderly, nor can its different dimensions be so easily categorized. We only get ourselves into trouble when we try to prescribe what the grief and mourning experiences of others should be, or when we try to fit our own grief into neat little boxes.

Myth number two, the goal is to get over your grief. We have all heard people ask, "Are you over with it yet?" To think that we as human beings get over grief is ridiculous. We never get over our grief, but instead become reconciled to it. We do not resolve or recover from our grief. These terms suggest a total return to normalcy, and yet in my personal as well as professional experience, we are all forever changed by the experience of grief.

For the mourner to assume that life will be exactly as it was prior to the death is unrealistic and potentially damaging. Those people who think that the goal is to resolve grief become destructive to the healing process. Mourners do, however, learn to reconcile their grief. We learn to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life with reconciliation, a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of death, and the capacity to become re-involved with the activities of living.

We also come to acknowledge that pain and grief are difficult, yet necessary, parts of life and living. As the experience of reconciliation unfolds, we recognize that life will be different without the presence of the person who died. At first, we realize this with our head, and later come to realize it with our heart. We also realize that reconciliation is a process, not an event. The sense of loss does not completely disappear, yet it does soften. And the intense pangs of grief become less frequent. Hope for a continued life emerges as we are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that one's own life can and will move forward.

Myth number three, it is best to move away from grief and mourning instead of toward it. Many grievers do not give themselves permission or receive permission from others to mourn. We live in a society that often encourages people to prematurely move away from their grief instead of toward it. Many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced.

The result is that many of us either grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from our grief. People who continue to express their grief outwardly, to mourn, are often viewed as weak or crazy or self-pitying. The common message is shape up and get on with your life. Refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and being strong are thought to be admirable behaviors. Many people in grief have internalized society's message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly, and efficiently. But such messages encourage the repression of the griever's thoughts and feelings. The problem is that attempting to mask or move away from grief results in internal anxiety and confusion, with little if any social recognition of the normal pain of grief. People begin to think their thoughts and feelings are abnormal. I think I'm going crazy, they often tell me. But they're not crazy, they're just grieving. And in order to heal, they must move toward their grief and through continued mourning, not away from it through repression and denial.

Now, let's move on to what has been dubbed a sixth stage of grief, meaning-making. Our life is made up of meaning-making. We bring our own meaning to events that happen to us and to the relationships we have. In order to move forward, we must make meaning out of our grief. Now, it's important to note that we do not have to see the event itself as meaningful. There is no meaning inherent to tragedy. There is no meaning in a tragic drunk driving accident that leaves a child dead. There is, however, meaning in the creation of Mothers Against Drunk Driving that arose from such a tragedy. We are meaning-making machines. Perhaps one person's cancer diagnosis leads to the establishment of a foundation for other cancer patients and the like. Meaning is an important step in our grief journeys.

I hope these thoughts have been helpful to you as you process and experience your own grief. Grief is a very hard fact of life, but there is hope. Life will continue around the loss. We must not run from loss and mourning, and we must make our own meaning from it. Thanks so much for listening, and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.