Scott Webb (Host): It can be so challenging for parents to find time to take care of themselves mentally and physically, but my guest today wants us to know that parents and children benefit when we take care of ourselves and enjoy the journey that our families are on. I'm joined again today by Dr. Joelle McConlogue. She's a pediatrician with Stanford Medicine Children's Health.

This is Health Talks from Stanford Medicine Children's Health. I'm Scott Webb. Doctor, it's so nice to have you back on the podcast. Today, we're going to talk about self-care for parents. And I was just telling you, I could sort of infer, I think I know where this is going, but it's great to have you here. Great to have your expertise. So, let's start there. What is self-care? What does that mean?

Dr. Joelle McConlogue: Well, thank you for having me back. It's great to be back on, and I appreciate taking the time to talk a little bit about this subject. Because as we know, parenting is an all encompassing job. It's one that never stops, and it can be incredibly rewarding, but also incredibly demanding. And so, self-care is taking the time and taking the forethought to just take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. And this can include a variety of things. some basic things such as just taking time to prepare and eat healthy, nutritious meals; to spend time getting outside or being in nature; to take a little time to get some exercise. One big thing is making sure that you're getting adequate and appropriate sleep, and continuing to cultivate a support system and have people around you who support you and are there for you and also to support some hobbies or some things that bring joy to your life.

Host: Yeah. And I'm sure there are benefits for both the parents and children. I remember when my kids, my kids are older now, 21 and 17. And so, it's a whole different thing going on there. When they were younger, I felt like I was a better parent, at least I felt like I was, when I did get some sleep, when I did do some things for myself as hard as it was to find time to do that. So, maybe you could talk about that the benefits for both parents and children.

Dr. Joelle McConlogue: Well, I think there is definitely a direct benefit when parents care for themselves that trickles down to the children. We all know that happy parents mean happy children. And one of the most important things is that when children see that parents are taking care of themselves and taking time for that, they learn that that's important and they learn those skills through the modeling that they see. And so, I think parents, when they're doing that, are teaching the children, their own children, the importance of that. And that's a great lifelong skill that they can impart to their kids.

In addition, though, I think, you know, parenting is a lifelong process. And I think when parents care for themselves, they in general enjoy that process a lot more. I think they find that there's a lot more joy in life, and there's a lot more joy in parenting, and they can relax and just have more fun with it, which is a wonderful thing, when they can spend time enjoying their children, and I think self-care helps to bring that out even more.

Host: Sure. Yeah. So, what I would try to do is I try to find time to work out, right? But then, my kids would want to work out with me. And so, it would turn into this whole family thing of, you know, the three of us working out together, which of course was fun on a different level, but dad never really got time to himself. And that's kind of where I want to go with this next question is, you know, how do we do that? How do we practice this self-care when there's kids hanging off of us and working out with us and all of that? Like, how do we do that when we can't really get away from our kids?

Dr. Joelle McConlogue: Right. This is one area that can be really challenging. So, I think, first of all, we have to set the expectation that we may not have a perfect half hour or hour to ourselves. So, we look for those small moments or look for those small things. I think the first thing that I would recommend is that if someone's in a relationship with a supportive partner, to have those conversations with that partner in terms of how they can support each other with one parent can take the child or the baby and be responsible while the other parent has a little bit of time to themselves and vice versa. I think supportive partners can play a big role in this.

But in addition, we should also encourage new parents to look out into their families and into their communities. Often, there are extended family members that want and are anxious to help. And I'd encourage that if they are, but then there are friends, there are moms groups, there are church groups, there are neighborhood groups, and other places that parents might think about, that they could reach out to and ask for some support or some help, especially in those early years when parenting can be so overwhelming.

Host: Yeah, overwhelming for sure. And you mentioned support there and some of us are lucky enough to have a partner, you know, in crime, if you will, in parenting and have that support and be able to sort of, you know, work with each other to find that time, make that time and give each other some space and, you know, to work out or whatever it might be. What about those parents who struggle to find the support they need to be able to do that?

Dr. Joelle McConlogue: I certainly feel for those parents because it is difficult. And so, I would say reach out to groups that they might find, so reach out to a group online, or reach out to a church group, or try to find a place where they can find other people who would be willing to support them. I think sometimes if parents are struggling with mental health or feel like a counselor would be helpful, I would say reach out for just some or some support. Sometimes that can be very effective, and I know that parents don't have a lot of time to do that, but we now are in an age where there's a lot of virtual sessions or virtual meetings from the comfort of your own home. So, take advantage of those too. And then, I would also say just be kind to yourself. It doesn't need to be perfect. So, you know, if you're struggling and you feel like you're not getting everything done, let some of those things go.

Host: Yeah. That's such great advice. And I found that I tried to really be the perfect parent with our son, our first one, right? And I found myself sort of disappointed in myself when I didn't feel like I was the world's greatest dad every day. And I found when I got to the second one, our daughter, that I could forgive myself a little bit and allow myself a little grace and know that perfect is not a real thing and is indefinable. And then, it's just, you know, unattainable perhaps. And maybe that's to your point, which is just to allow ourselves every once in a while to say, "Okay, I didn't win world's best dad today," but that's okay, right?

Dr. Joelle McConlogue: Absolutely. I think, all parents know that you have to realign expectations, and that includes realigning expectation for ourselves as parents, and that we do let things go and, you know, we may not be able to get to everything on our to-do list or be able to accomplish everything. But at the end of the day, focus on what's the most important things and focus on just enjoying the journey.

Host: Yeah. I just want to finish up today. Give us a sense, you know, when we're trying to figure out what to do, how to do it, where to turn, how can pediatricians help?

Dr. Joelle McConlogue: Well, when I see patients, one thing I really like to do is just remind parents what a good job they're doing. I think parents often spend a lot of time worrying about their children. That's natural and normal. But I think a little bit of reassurance can go a long way. So, it helps for us to just say that they're doing a great job and that the kids are great and doing okay.

I think it's also helpful, to just remind parents that it's okay to take a break, you know, whether it's just in the moment needing a break or a day of needing a break, that that's a natural and normal thing to need and that's okay to do. And it's okay and to encourage parents to do that and to schedule time for themselves and to schedule time for their other relationships that they can nurture those as well.

Host: Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I think one of the things that I experienced and learned as a parent is that, you know, you begin to define yourself as a parent and you sort of forget at times that you're also still a person, right? And you and your partner, if you have a partner, you remember to make time just occasionally, when possible, when grandma and grandpa are available, like have a date night out. Remember that you're people too, not just parents. But, of course, you know, parenting is the best job I've ever had, the most tiring and the best and the most awesomest thing I've ever done. And as you say, you know, none of us are perfect, allow ourselves a little grace, do the best we can and, you know, enjoy the journey, right?

Dr. Joelle McConlogue: Right. And remember that I think so often we focus on raising the child, but what we're actually doing is we're creating a family. And that family has multiple relationships. And so, remember to nurture all those other relationships within the family as well.

Scott Webb: Yeah, that's perfect. Well, it's always a pleasure to have you on. Good takeaways today. Thank you so much.

Dr. Joelle McConlogue: Thank you.

Host: And for more information, go to stanfordchildrens.org. And we hope you found this podcast to be helpful and informative. If you did, please share it on your social channels and be sure to check out the full podcast library for additional topics of interest. This is Health Talks from Stanford Medicine Children's Health. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well, and we'll talk again next time.