Transcription:
Preparing to Forgive

Melanie Cole (Host):  Welcome to Stoughton Health Talk. I'm Melanie Cole. And I invite you to listen as we discuss, preparing to forgive, in this series that we're doing on forgiveness. Joining me is Tim Markle. He's the Founder of Forgiveness Factor and an Instructor at Stoughton Health. He's also a contributor to the International Forgiveness Institute. Tim, I'm so glad to have you join us today. And what a great series we're embarking on. Forgiveness is something I think we all really need to work on. And boy, it sure would help us at this time. So as we get going, what does it do for us to forgive? Is there a benefit for our mental health?

Tim Markle, MA, MA C/S (Guest): I think there's a definite benefit for our mental health. A couple of things that I've learned as I've worked through forgiveness with people is one of the things they notice is that they lose a bit of their anxiety because they're not as wound up whenever they think of somebody or go into these situations. It also helps their mind to calm down a little bit, because they're not constantly rehearsing the hurts that have been done to us. And so, when we can learn to stop rehearsing those hurts and it's like we're not being constantly agitated. And so, it gives us better calm and can help our anxiety.

Host: Wow. I just kind of had a light bulb right there, because you described to me when you said rehearsing, because I guess we really do that when we're mad at somebody about something. So, while we're rehearsing, how we're going to get even, or the things we're going to say, does forgiving invalidate the wrongs we feel were imposed upon us?

Tim: Absolutely not. One of the core parts of forgiving is that there has been a hurt, somebody has violated our concept of right or wrong. They have hurt us. There is an actual injury that has been done. One of the steps in forgiving is admitting that and acknowledging it. And then, looking at how has that hurt changed my life?  

Some people, when they're hurt at a young age, especially, it can change the way they look at the world. And so, it helps to come to grips with who hurt me, how much did it change me? And then how is it affecting my life today? Like you said, with rehearsing, is it something that I go over every single day that it's now become part of my mantra. It's become part of who I think I am. And if you get tired of that, then you might want to consider forgiveness.

Host: I don't know about anybody else listening, but really you just described me. I know this feeling and it's not comfortable and it's not a happy feeling and it does make it so that you can't think of more positive things because you're hanging on to this thing and you're thinking about all the time.

So, I completely see what you're saying. So, what if we don't feel that we're ready to forgive. What can we do to bring this closer to a reality? How do we talk ourselves out of some of those negative things we're saying about that person and get ourselves ready so that we can start the process, which you and I are going to talk about in further series?

Tim: Absolutely. I can't wait to get into exactly how we go about this, but even people that aren't at that end point, if they hadn't even come to the point that they've decided they want to forgive, but they know that they're uncomfortable living life the way it is. One of the things that I talk about is, is that we're going to find what we look for. And so if you wake up in the morning and you believe your day is going to suck, and you think that this person is going to harm you again, or your traffic's going to be horrible, chances are, you're going to find exactly what you look for as we get patterned to look for these certain things. And so I ask people to start to change their pattern.

What if you woke up instead and said, you know what, going to find somebody driving well, instead of concentrating on all the people that are driving poorly. I am going to find a positive in my interaction with that barista that usually just ticks me off. Once we start changing our mindset from just accepting the negativity and we change our mindset to look for the positive, to look for the mercy, look for love; then we're going to start seeing it in places. And once we start seeing it in places, it gives us a better chance to believe that it's possible. Because if we stay trapped in our negative, we're never going to believe that the positive is possible.

Host: Then how do we untrap? What do we have to look for inside ourselves, Tim, to forgive what we feel may be unforgivable and you're right, we do look for these patterns. We look for these things that anger us and Facebook is a perfect example. For some people, they look to see the people they disagree with and they specifically go and look for the people they disagree with to reinforce or validate their feelings that this person is someone they disagree with. So, what do we have to look for inside ourselves to put a stop to that?

Tim: One of the most important things that we can do, is come to a belief that every single person has inherent worth. And that can come about by, considering some people look to their spiritual backgrounds. Some people look at the cosmic backgrounds, that we're all in this together, but if we can reestablish that every single person that we run into, we may not like, they may not be the best people, but do they have worth, do they have inherent worth, not something they've earned, but just because they're human.

One of the things that we talk about is think about that person that has so harmed you, that person that you are so upset with, what were they like as a little baby? What were they like when they're born? Chances are when they're born, they weren't full of this desire to hurt you. Something happened along the way to damage them. Something happened along the way to hurt them. And even though they are hurt, and even though they have hurt others, do they still have inherent worth? And it's when we can see that other people still have inherent work, even in the midst of their mistakes, even in the midst of their awful decisions to harm us, then we can see them as somebody that we're willing to forgive.

As I tell my class, if you turn everybody into a monster, if you turn the people that have harmed you into monsters, we don't need to forgive monsters, but if that's another human being, maybe I can consider forgiving another human being. It's just one step toward being able to forgive.

Host: Well that is an absolutely excellent point is humanizing, right? Because right now I think half the country feels the other half of the country, are really monsters and not putting anyone into any kind of human sort of form

We've all got these preconceived notions. And I think that preconceived notions of someone that's hurt you also contributes to that cycle of them, being able to, whether they're doing it purposely or not right, is them being able to continue to hurt you. So, before we wrap up, there are a lot of times when we're keeping ourselves tied to those thoughts, those experiences, how can we learn to identify where we struggle and put in place some options to live more positively? How can we prepare to forgive?

Tim: One of the first steps is becoming aware of what your mind is telling you, becoming aware of what messages are you sending to yourself. And so once we can, and this is a big one for me personally, is on my mind can sometimes be my worst enemy. And if I don't keep track of what I'm saying to myself, then I'm going to get really down on myself. If I don't keep track of how I am constantly belittling another person, because I am mad at them, then not going to know I want to change.

So, the first step is awareness, of what is our mind saying? Another step is that decision to look for the positive. If we place opportunities in our life say, okay, today I am going to find three positive things that are going on in the world. Just three. That sounds like an easy task, but you start to look for those three and then eventually you move to, okay, I can see there's good in the world now. What little good can I do? We start to pattern ourselves for good, and away from the evil. We pattern ourselves for the positive instead of the negative, but it can start small.

This doesn't have to be a life-changing thing. Just one thing today that I am going to do good. One time today, I'm not going to speak negatively about somebody. One time today, I'm going to listen to my thoughts and find out what it is that I'm actually saying to myself. So it's very possible to start small, to find some big change.

Host: Well, that is certainly the advice we need, Tim, thank you so much. And to hear more in the series on Swimming in Forgiveness, you can visit forgivenessfactor.org. And of course you can head over to our website where these podcasts will live at stoughtonhealth.com for more information, and to get connected with one of our providers.

That concludes this episode of Stoughton Health Talk. Remember to subscribe, rate and review this podcast and all the other Stoughton Hospital podcasts. Share this show with your friends and family on your social channels. That way we're learning from the experts at Stoughton Hospital together. This is Melanie Cole.