Transcription:
Forgiving Yourself

Melanie: Welcome to Stoughton Health Talk where we're talking about a series on forgiveness. I'm Melanie Cole. And today this part is about forgiving yourself. Joining me is Tim Markle. He's the founder of Forgiveness Factor and instructor at Stoughton Health and a contributor to the International Forgiveness Institute.

Tim, it's a pleasure to have you with this series. I just feel this series is so important and you have such great advice and such a soothing voice to go with it. So now, we've talked about preparing and doing the work and getting ready. Now, what if we need to forgive ourselves? What can we do when our resentments and our anger are directed inward?

Tim Markle: Well, you'd be surprised at the number of people who come to my course on forgiveness and realize that the person that they have most resentment against is themselves. I didn't realize that in the beginning. And so now I've added a whole session on self-forgiveness, because this is something so many people are struggling with.

So a couple of things that I start off with is, number one, asking people have they ever had anybody show them mercy or compassion? And they usually say, "Yeah. People have been nice to me." And I said, "Well, have you ever shown mercy or compassion to someone? “And they're like, "Oh yeah, of course." I'm like, "Okay. What did it feel like when you received that compassion and what did it feel like when you gave that compassion?" And then I sit there and go, "Okay. So what is preventing you from giving yourself that compassion? You know what it feels like to give it, you know what it feels like to receive it. You have the capacity. It's going to be the decision that we then have to work on."

Some people, we talk about, "Do you sense that you have inherent worth? Do you feel like you are actually worthy to be here?" And just like we do in forgiving others, we go through why you have inherent worth, why each of us is valuable, why each of us is special or unique and we're irreplaceable.

I don't care how many sci-fi movies I see, they haven't got this cloning thing down right yet. Something always goes wrong and that's because each of us is irreplaceable. We're more than just ourselves. We're more than just our experiences. There is something unique about each and every one of us. And so helping that person recover their inherent worth, reminding people that they're more than their actions.

I don't want to be judged on my worst day. I don't want to be judged by my worse actions. I don't want what I did 30 years ago to determine how somebody views me today. I've changed in the last 30 years. I've grown. And so reminding people that they are more than their actions, remember that you can and should honor yourself even as you're imperfect. There's no perfect person walking in this world today. You are among a group of imperfect people.

One of the barriers that we have with self-forgiveness is sometimes we find it hard to admit that we did something wrong. And so part of self-forgiveness is saying, "Yep, I screwed up. I am not a screw up, but I screwed up." And part of self-forgiveness may be having to go and ask for forgiveness to somebody, to start to work through that healing, to let that part of it go. And so, you know, we spent a lot of time very similar to the other ways of forgiveness, of saying, "Okay, what is it that you did? When did you violate your sense of right or wrong? "

We have to be careful that we're not basing our judgment of ourselves on what other people's standards are. Self-forgiveness comes about when I have violated my standards of right and wrong. I have done something that I am sorry for, that I regret doing. Well, can I understand why I did it? Not to let me off the hook, but to show my humanity to myself.

Melanie: Wow. Now I think, Tim, that women, especially we'll see ourselves so much in what you just said and I see a difference in being able to forgive our things, in being able to forgive ourselves for things we might regret versus the negative self-talk that we do. Like you said, while it's not what other people see in us, we are literally looking inside ourselves.

But as women in particular, we do this negative self-talk. So we're less likely to be able to forgive ourselves for our big thighs or our hips that are a little bit too wide or for that cake we had last night. You know, for us, we talk ourselves into these frenzies. We look and say, "Oh, that's awful. How could we have done that?" And yet all of this ties together to being able to love yourself, accept yourself and know that, as you say, none of us are perfect and we all have flaws. So as some of us are our worst enemies, how do we forgive ourselves? How do we extend that compassion to ourselves when we're certainly willing to do it for others?

Tim Markle: I think one of the first things you already hit on is we have to become aware of what are the messages that we're telling ourselves. What is our daily self-talk? When I make a mistake, do I blow it out of proportion? You know, "Oh, I broke a glass in the kitchen the other day. Oh, I break everything. Oh my gosh. I can't believe anybody has anything worth anything around me. If they give it to me, I'm just going to break it. I've broken things my entire life. I guess I'm just a breaker. It's who I am." And we start to identify with our mistakes as part of who we are.

And so we have to be careful and we have to become aware of what is that self-talk that we're telling ourselves. Are we continually setting ourselves up for failure by believing that we're never going to succeed? And so once we look at self-talk, then we have to find a way to stop it. We have to find a way to change the self-talk and that's where a lot of people will start to use different phrases. One person I know decided that the most effective thing for them was any time that they had a negative self-talk they're just going to say the word stop out loud. I'm like, "Well, good luck with that in the grocery store." But they really wanted to break that chain in their brain of that negative thoughts. And so they would say stop and that would be a cue to them to be aware of what they're thinking and to change that thinking.

It sometimes goes back to the fact do we believe that we are special, unique and irreplaceable? Because if we believe we're not worthy, that we're not going to be interested in forgiving ourselves, why should we? But the truth is we are worthy. We are special, unique and replaceable. We can do stuff that nobody else on this earth can do. We are this unique compilation.

And once we start to tell ourselves these things, like, "I am special, unique, and irreplaceable. I matter. I can make a difference in this world. I am not a failure," that we start to change the words that we're telling ourselves. And that's one of the biggest things we can do. It's one of the biggest things I have had to do, Melanie. I still struggle with negative self-talk. And so I have to be really aware of when I'm starting to slide down into that, "Oh, you loser. You're such a failure. You didn't say this correctly. Oh my gosh, you bumbled that last word. Oh, you're horrible on the radio." I mean, those thoughts come quite naturally to me. And so I need to watch them, be aware of them and then change them.

Melanie: Wow. So we definitely all do need to do that. We need that awareness, because we can't change unless we recognize it, right? That's the whole message. Give us your final thoughts on forgiving ourselves and how we can start right now after this podcast. Looking at anything that we berate ourselves for, that we don't forgive ourselves for that we blame or regret, what we can do, Tim, right now today after this podcast and to start forgiving ourselves and moving forward with a much more positive self-view of ourselves, because we cannot take care of the people that we love unless we take care of ourselves. And I think what you're talking about in this particular segment is one of the most important things we can do for ourselves.

Tim Markle: So if I had to tell someone what they wanted to do right now, number one, I would say start to track your negative thoughts. Start to realize how you're are putting yourself down. Two, is find how you tell your story. Can you tell your story in a way that doesn't make you the villain? Can you tell your story where you are an overcomer, because I can guarantee that everybody out there has overcome something.

So find out what your negative thoughts are telling you, find out where your strengths are and the things that you have done well. Start to repeat to yourself over and over, you are special, unique, and irreplaceable. Just start to overwhelm those negative thoughts with the positive words and it'll help make a difference.

Melanie: I certainly agree. And I think I've often tried gratitude and trying to turn those intrusive thoughts around and say, you know, "I think this about myself, but man, am I lucky" and, "Gosh, I have it so well, and we're blessed." So I think gratitude kind of may help us in that respect as well. And, Tim, you just have such great, great advice. And we look forward to future podcasts in this series on forgiveness that we're doing with Stoughton Hospital.

That concludes this episode of Stoughton Health Talk. Please visit our website at stoughtonhealth.com and forgivenessfactor.org for more information and to get connected with one of our providers. Share this show, this whole series on forgiveness with your friends and family, because we're learning from the experts at Stoughton Hospital together. And it's so important now of all times that we learned this whole thing about forgiveness, forgiving ourselves, forgiving others. So listen to the series, share it with your friends. I'm Melanie Cole. Thanks for listening.