Anxiety is an emotion that is felt in the body.
It is a physical response.
Often, when children feel anxious, they do not actually recognize or describe their body symptoms as anxiety or nervousness. Instead, they may say that they feel sick, or have a sore tummy.
Anxiety is one of the most common mental health concerns for children and adults, affecting upwards of 20% of children and adolescents over the lifespan.
Melissa Breslin, MA, is here to explain how parents play an essential role in helping their child or teen manage anxiety.
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Helping Parents Manage Child and Teen's Anxiety
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Learn more about Melissa Breslin, MA
Melissa Breslin, MA
Melissa Breslin, MA, MSW, LCSW, ACT, has expertise in individual therapy for children, adolescents, and adults. She focuses on depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), trichotillomania (hair pulling)/skin picking, phobias, anger management, and stress management. Mrs. Breslin treats families using an approach that includes parental guidance to help address attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and behavioral issues.Learn more about Melissa Breslin, MA
Transcription:
Helping Parents Manage Child and Teen's Anxiety
Melanie Cole (Host): Anxiety symptoms are common in children and adolescents with 10-20% of school aged children experiencing anxiety symptoms. An even larger number of children experience stress that does not necessarily qualify as an anxiety disorder but is still quit disturbing. How can you, as a parent, help to reduce your child’s anxiety and stress? My guest today is Melissa Breslin. She has expertise in individual therapy for children, adolescents and adults at the Behavioral Health and Cognitive Therapy Center at Summit Medical Group. Welcome to the show, Melissa. Children experience stress as much as we adults do but do they experience it a little bit differently than we do?
Melissa Breslin (Guest): They do. I would say that, in children, what you tend to find more is avoiding behavior, stomach aches, headaches, school refusal. What parents will notice is that there will be a sudden change in school behaviors such as distractibility and grades drop; whereas, in the past they didn’t have that, which, I think, is a bit different than adults because sometimes it’s not as sudden onset for adults. It’s their temperament for a while. I would say, it’s a quicker shift in children and adolescents than adults typically will see.
Melanie: I don’t want to ask if it’s necessarily hereditary but if you’re a worrying parent, or a stressed out parent, does that translate to your children? Do they pick up on that?
Melissa: It can. I think a lot of times, parents will ask me is this nature versus nurture. They’re worried about the causes of the anxiety and if they were part of it. Research shows that many factors play a part, such as genetics. If you have a parent that’s predisposed to anxiety, the genetic makeup will sometimes carry over to the child. Brain physiology and how people experience things will play a part; the temperament of a child. Research does support parenting styles. So, if we have an overly cautious parent that is avoidant themselves, there are a lot of times when you will see a child experience the same thing because they are watching the adult to get clues as to whether something is safe. If the adult is presenting situations as if they are not safe, then there we have the anxious child.
Melanie: Then, what are we parents to do because, even recently, I was going on a flight I was nervous about and, as a result, my 13-year-old daughter was really nervous about it. I saw myself doing it, Melissa, and I couldn’t seem to stop myself. What do parents do to help our children not pick up on those anxieties of the world that we adults sometimes take on?
Melissa: I know. I think that is a great question. One thing I recommend to lots of parents is that if they are experiencing their own anxiety is to first get help for themselves – whether it’s with their child’s therapist or their own individual therapist. Research does show if parents are able to manage their own anxiety better, it’s often helpful for their child. If they’re not at that point yet I think that parents need to recognize that the goal is not to make their child’s anxiety go away but more help them face their fears. If a child has a parent that doesn’t want to face their own fears, that becomes difficult. A lot of times when parents recognize their job isn’t to make their child always feel better but to help them recognize that eventually they’ll feel better, they end up managing their own anxiety as well.
Melanie: Well, that makes a lot of sense. Give us some other tips. Things you tell parents every single day, Melissa, that can help their children to deal with some of the anxieties – whether it’s on homework, or social situations, or, really, anything. How do we help our children some more?
Melissa: A few things that I like to stress is rewarding behaviors that shows your child taking risks and coping instead of getting into the arguments when they are avoiding and not taking risks. For younger children, it could be any type of reward you would use to increase positive behavior. For teenagers, the same but you have to go with what their currency is and what they like. I also think something that’s important for parents to understand with anxiety is that the natural thing for adults to do is to reassure a child.
“Mom, are you going to be there to pick me up from soccer practice?”
“Of course, honey, I’ll be there.”
“Mom, do you think I’m going to fail this test?”
“You studied well. You’re not going to fail.”
Limiting reassurance is actually what we recommend doing and, instead, providing the facts because often, anxiety is telling a child that things will go terribly, horribly wrong and then, when that bad thing happens, they can’t handle it. Your job, as a parent, is to help them figure out if that horrible thing is actually going to happen. And then, if there is some likelihood that it will, how will you cope with it and how will you handle it? A lot of it is spending time speaking with your child about the facts of the situation and getting them more confident that even if you’re late to pick them up from soccer practice, they have a plan to manage it.
Melanie: Wow! That’s great advice. When does it turn to the point where we need to bring them in for some of these anxieties? When do we look to the fact that maybe some of these anxieties are starting to manifest themselves in other ways – in maybe OCDs or in overanxious times or sleeplessness? When do we start to say, “Okay this is enough?”
Melissa: Right. I would suggest that if parents are trying to work with their children to manage some of their symptoms and to get things back to the way they were functioning prior to the anxiety and after a few weeks, they’re not having any luck, then it would be helpful to see a provider. I think that if a child is not sleeping for more than a few weeks and reporting headaches and stomach aches, that’s also a sign. I think if parents fail at helping their children recognize that their worry isn’t rational and that they can manage things, then they probably need to be in cognitive behavioral therapy to work on that in a broader scope.
Melanie: What does that do for children? How do you work with children and teens to help them to realize that either these fears are unfounded or that you have to face them, or move past them, or whatever the reason is? How do you do behavioral cognitive therapy with children and teens?
Melissa: In the beginning, I help them understand their anxiety and the cycle of their anxiety and how it’s not necessarily the situation that’s causing them to feel or behave a certain way but their perception of the situation. I often use a benign example like a roller coast because you can find many people that love them and many people that hate them, but it’s the same roller coaster. How come we feel differently about it? It’s often a good example for them. The first is helping them understand their cycle of anxiety and the thoughts that they have and how they affect their feelings and behaviors. Until a child is able to really recognize the symptoms in their body, it’s hard for them to do the other work. So, both for children and teens it’s getting them to increase their awareness of physiologically what happens in their body, which I refer to it as a body alarm and which is the fight or flight response that we all have. It’s often very helpful, too, for even adults to relabel their worry or anxiety, to have them think of it as something outside of themselves – whether it be a character or a name--so that when they’re having thoughts they can say, “Oh, that’s the worry bully on my shoulder.” They can recognize that maybe it’s something that they’re being told, not necessarily reality. It’s really increasing awareness; helping them explore their thoughts; and then, getting them to identify what behaviors they have, which I call
safety tricks” that actually make their anxiety worse even though they think it might be making their anxiety better. If we can reduce those behaviors and shift their thinking, you often see a change in level of anxiety.
Melanie: That is great advice, Melissa. We only have a couple minutes left. Give us just a few of those safety tricks that you teach children.
Melissa: Safety tricks that children are often using that you would actually want them to eliminate would be: asking parents questions over and over again that they already know the answers to; needing to sit in an assembly on the end seat just in case they needed to get out; avoiding certain places because they might have panic attacks; having to sleep with their door wide open and the light on even though they prefer the dark when they’re not anxious. Once you identify all these safety tricks, we like to remove them because it actually just keeps the anxiety going. In order to help children do that, I make them the boss. They’re in charge. They will slowly stop asking the questions or slowly close the door a little bit each night to recognize that “I can manage this anxiety even if it comes up”.
Melanie: Wow really great advice. In just the last minute, your best advice for parents dealing with children and teens in this age of everything so quickly and needing it now and electronics – give parents your best advice about dealing with their teen and children’s anxiety and why they should come to Summit Medical Group for their care.
Melissa: I think it’s extremely important for parents to recognize that the natural way to parent would be to help your child feel better and avoid things that make them anxious which only will perpetuate the cycle. Slowly getting your child to face their fears little by little and helping them recognize that they can handle things even if they don’t feel 100% okay in their body is the most important thing. If parents can understand that, then they’re often supporting their child in a way that helps the anxiety regulate instead of either staying the same or increasing.
Melanie: Thank you so much, Melissa, for being with us. You’re listening to SMG Radio and for more information you can go to SummitMedicalGroup.com. That’s SummitMedicalGroup.com. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.
Helping Parents Manage Child and Teen's Anxiety
Melanie Cole (Host): Anxiety symptoms are common in children and adolescents with 10-20% of school aged children experiencing anxiety symptoms. An even larger number of children experience stress that does not necessarily qualify as an anxiety disorder but is still quit disturbing. How can you, as a parent, help to reduce your child’s anxiety and stress? My guest today is Melissa Breslin. She has expertise in individual therapy for children, adolescents and adults at the Behavioral Health and Cognitive Therapy Center at Summit Medical Group. Welcome to the show, Melissa. Children experience stress as much as we adults do but do they experience it a little bit differently than we do?
Melissa Breslin (Guest): They do. I would say that, in children, what you tend to find more is avoiding behavior, stomach aches, headaches, school refusal. What parents will notice is that there will be a sudden change in school behaviors such as distractibility and grades drop; whereas, in the past they didn’t have that, which, I think, is a bit different than adults because sometimes it’s not as sudden onset for adults. It’s their temperament for a while. I would say, it’s a quicker shift in children and adolescents than adults typically will see.
Melanie: I don’t want to ask if it’s necessarily hereditary but if you’re a worrying parent, or a stressed out parent, does that translate to your children? Do they pick up on that?
Melissa: It can. I think a lot of times, parents will ask me is this nature versus nurture. They’re worried about the causes of the anxiety and if they were part of it. Research shows that many factors play a part, such as genetics. If you have a parent that’s predisposed to anxiety, the genetic makeup will sometimes carry over to the child. Brain physiology and how people experience things will play a part; the temperament of a child. Research does support parenting styles. So, if we have an overly cautious parent that is avoidant themselves, there are a lot of times when you will see a child experience the same thing because they are watching the adult to get clues as to whether something is safe. If the adult is presenting situations as if they are not safe, then there we have the anxious child.
Melanie: Then, what are we parents to do because, even recently, I was going on a flight I was nervous about and, as a result, my 13-year-old daughter was really nervous about it. I saw myself doing it, Melissa, and I couldn’t seem to stop myself. What do parents do to help our children not pick up on those anxieties of the world that we adults sometimes take on?
Melissa: I know. I think that is a great question. One thing I recommend to lots of parents is that if they are experiencing their own anxiety is to first get help for themselves – whether it’s with their child’s therapist or their own individual therapist. Research does show if parents are able to manage their own anxiety better, it’s often helpful for their child. If they’re not at that point yet I think that parents need to recognize that the goal is not to make their child’s anxiety go away but more help them face their fears. If a child has a parent that doesn’t want to face their own fears, that becomes difficult. A lot of times when parents recognize their job isn’t to make their child always feel better but to help them recognize that eventually they’ll feel better, they end up managing their own anxiety as well.
Melanie: Well, that makes a lot of sense. Give us some other tips. Things you tell parents every single day, Melissa, that can help their children to deal with some of the anxieties – whether it’s on homework, or social situations, or, really, anything. How do we help our children some more?
Melissa: A few things that I like to stress is rewarding behaviors that shows your child taking risks and coping instead of getting into the arguments when they are avoiding and not taking risks. For younger children, it could be any type of reward you would use to increase positive behavior. For teenagers, the same but you have to go with what their currency is and what they like. I also think something that’s important for parents to understand with anxiety is that the natural thing for adults to do is to reassure a child.
“Mom, are you going to be there to pick me up from soccer practice?”
“Of course, honey, I’ll be there.”
“Mom, do you think I’m going to fail this test?”
“You studied well. You’re not going to fail.”
Limiting reassurance is actually what we recommend doing and, instead, providing the facts because often, anxiety is telling a child that things will go terribly, horribly wrong and then, when that bad thing happens, they can’t handle it. Your job, as a parent, is to help them figure out if that horrible thing is actually going to happen. And then, if there is some likelihood that it will, how will you cope with it and how will you handle it? A lot of it is spending time speaking with your child about the facts of the situation and getting them more confident that even if you’re late to pick them up from soccer practice, they have a plan to manage it.
Melanie: Wow! That’s great advice. When does it turn to the point where we need to bring them in for some of these anxieties? When do we look to the fact that maybe some of these anxieties are starting to manifest themselves in other ways – in maybe OCDs or in overanxious times or sleeplessness? When do we start to say, “Okay this is enough?”
Melissa: Right. I would suggest that if parents are trying to work with their children to manage some of their symptoms and to get things back to the way they were functioning prior to the anxiety and after a few weeks, they’re not having any luck, then it would be helpful to see a provider. I think that if a child is not sleeping for more than a few weeks and reporting headaches and stomach aches, that’s also a sign. I think if parents fail at helping their children recognize that their worry isn’t rational and that they can manage things, then they probably need to be in cognitive behavioral therapy to work on that in a broader scope.
Melanie: What does that do for children? How do you work with children and teens to help them to realize that either these fears are unfounded or that you have to face them, or move past them, or whatever the reason is? How do you do behavioral cognitive therapy with children and teens?
Melissa: In the beginning, I help them understand their anxiety and the cycle of their anxiety and how it’s not necessarily the situation that’s causing them to feel or behave a certain way but their perception of the situation. I often use a benign example like a roller coast because you can find many people that love them and many people that hate them, but it’s the same roller coaster. How come we feel differently about it? It’s often a good example for them. The first is helping them understand their cycle of anxiety and the thoughts that they have and how they affect their feelings and behaviors. Until a child is able to really recognize the symptoms in their body, it’s hard for them to do the other work. So, both for children and teens it’s getting them to increase their awareness of physiologically what happens in their body, which I refer to it as a body alarm and which is the fight or flight response that we all have. It’s often very helpful, too, for even adults to relabel their worry or anxiety, to have them think of it as something outside of themselves – whether it be a character or a name--so that when they’re having thoughts they can say, “Oh, that’s the worry bully on my shoulder.” They can recognize that maybe it’s something that they’re being told, not necessarily reality. It’s really increasing awareness; helping them explore their thoughts; and then, getting them to identify what behaviors they have, which I call
safety tricks” that actually make their anxiety worse even though they think it might be making their anxiety better. If we can reduce those behaviors and shift their thinking, you often see a change in level of anxiety.
Melanie: That is great advice, Melissa. We only have a couple minutes left. Give us just a few of those safety tricks that you teach children.
Melissa: Safety tricks that children are often using that you would actually want them to eliminate would be: asking parents questions over and over again that they already know the answers to; needing to sit in an assembly on the end seat just in case they needed to get out; avoiding certain places because they might have panic attacks; having to sleep with their door wide open and the light on even though they prefer the dark when they’re not anxious. Once you identify all these safety tricks, we like to remove them because it actually just keeps the anxiety going. In order to help children do that, I make them the boss. They’re in charge. They will slowly stop asking the questions or slowly close the door a little bit each night to recognize that “I can manage this anxiety even if it comes up”.
Melanie: Wow really great advice. In just the last minute, your best advice for parents dealing with children and teens in this age of everything so quickly and needing it now and electronics – give parents your best advice about dealing with their teen and children’s anxiety and why they should come to Summit Medical Group for their care.
Melissa: I think it’s extremely important for parents to recognize that the natural way to parent would be to help your child feel better and avoid things that make them anxious which only will perpetuate the cycle. Slowly getting your child to face their fears little by little and helping them recognize that they can handle things even if they don’t feel 100% okay in their body is the most important thing. If parents can understand that, then they’re often supporting their child in a way that helps the anxiety regulate instead of either staying the same or increasing.
Melanie: Thank you so much, Melissa, for being with us. You’re listening to SMG Radio and for more information you can go to SummitMedicalGroup.com. That’s SummitMedicalGroup.com. This is Melanie Cole. Thanks so much for listening.