Amanda Wilde (Host): Welcome to the Live Greater podcast series, information for a Healthier You from the University of Maryland Medical System. I'm Amanda Wilde with Adam Miller. Adam is here to help us understand how to build emotional resilience in kids. Adam Miller is Manager, Klein Family Center, part of University of Maryland Upper Chesapeake Health. Adam, welcome. So glad you're here.

Adam Miller, LCPC: Oh, thank you, Amanda. I appreciate the offer. Glad to be here.

Host: This is a really timely subject. The emotional resilience of kids has been tested greatly in recent years. Can you talk about what emotional resilience looks like in children and why it matters for healthy development?

Adam Miller, LCPC: Yeah, well, it is sort of the building blocks, I think, to be well-established, caring kids, adolescents, adults. I think it's sort of the structure and the building blocks for success in life, really. And you're right, I think it has been challenged, coming out of COVID and certainly everything going on in the world right now.

Host: How can parents help kids with emotional resilience? For example, managing the big feelings we know so many kids have that is totally normal without shutting them down.

Adam Miller, LCPC: One of the philosophies that we talk about a lot in counseling or therapy is the seven Cs of resilience. They are competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control. And I think when we look at those areas, and we can talk a little bit more about that, it really does start to build again that foundation for how to handle our big emotions as kids, how to get the support, how to talk through things, and how to be effective in all of those areas.

Host: What are some simple everyday habits that help build resilience at home?

Adam Miller, LCPC: Yeah. Well, I think it starts with facing challenges or fails, failures, fears; giving them an opportunity and a voice within the family, that it's okay to talk about those things. It's okay to have those big feelings. It's okay to not do everything perfectly. And I think, looking at it as sort of a problem to solve, and that the adults in kids' lives are there to help them to be able to do that and model that.

Host: Right. So, you model problem-solving and how to work through your big emotions. How do parents balance protecting their child with letting them experience challenges? In other words, what's good stress versus toxic stress?

Adam Miller, LCPC: Sure. I think looking at sort of what the normal things are as kids grow up, there's going to be peer interactions that don't go well. There's going to be fights that happen, you know, arguments between peer groups. There's going to be school stress. There's going to be life changes that happen within families, pets passing away, family members passing away, moving, different jobs that parents have.

So, I think it's, again, really looking at having the opportunities to have those conversations with kids and ask them how they're feeling and really help, again, guide that conversation that it's okay to have emotions. It's okay to have those feelings. I think sometimes, as parents, when we're not doing well too, we go through that process a little too quick. We may dismiss feelings. And I think it's really important to kind of key in and listen to your kids. Pick up on differences in their behavior, things that might be impacting them. But also, again, asking them how they're doing and really kind of tuning into those things.

Host: Just talking to parents can really be helpful, just that in itself, knowing that door is open. Does resilience for kids change? Do resilience skills change as children grow?

Adam Miller, LCPC: Yeah, they absolutely do. And I think when you look at, you know, younger kids and we think about temper tantrums, the twos and the threes, the terrible threes you hear about, which can go into the terrible fours and, yeah, kids do struggle with their emotional regulation and their ability to express their feelings in appropriate ways that is age-appropriate. We expect kids to do that. When you get into elementary and/or middle school, if kids are having big temper tantrums, that would be a little bit age-inappropriate. And so, those are the opportunities to really kind of, if we haven't done so already, again to really kind of lean in and start talking about how kids are feeling, what can we do to support giving them a voice in the process too?

I think as adults, even helping professionals, we have this tendency to want to try to fix things and now we're sort of implementing what we think might work, but we need to hear from them what they're thinking, and what might work for them and having them be an active part of that conversation.

Host: So, excellent listening skills are really important for the adults. Children struggle, you said that's normal. And we talked about stress. What are signs that a child might need extra support from a pediatrician, a school counselor, or a therapist?

Adam Miller, LCPC: Yeah. I think if you start to see changes in behaviors, what was normal for your child, so things like it's been more difficult to go to sleep or stay asleep, or now you see them coming out of their bed and coming into your bed overnight, changes in irritability, changes in their appetite, those could be some key things.

Certainly keying in and listening to and getting feedback from school if they're of school age, hearing from teachers if there's problems happening at school, that could be an indication that there could be something going on too. So, again, it really is about change in behavior from what was normal and being aware of those things.

And then, taking to the next step to go to the second part of your question, how do you know that we might need some professional help? Well, I think when those changes in behaviors, really take a step up and if there's some sort of problematic behavior. So, it's normal for peer fighting and, you know, maybe not getting along at times. But if it's all the time, or if there's maybe something going on at school that warranted a suspension, well, that might be obviously a key indicator that maybe something else is going on. Certainly any mention of feeling down, sad, any thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves or any behavior of hurting themselves, that would also be a huge red flag and need to get some professional support.

Host: From down times for teenagers to tantrums for two-year-olds, what kind of language can parents use in tough moments that actually helps?

Adam Miller, LCPC: Taking a deep breath first, which I just did too, you know, taking that deep breath just helps us kind of regulate. And then, I think using I statements-- "I'm feeling," "I'm seeing," really kind of owning that and not placing blame right away onto your child is a great way to start that conversation.

Just the same way as adults, you know, if someone comes at us of, "You did this or "You, you, you," we get a little bit defensive. Kids are going to be that same way too. So, it is really important to try to own your own experience, talk about the problem to solve, not the problematic behavior. And I think that's a key component in building that emotional resilience that, again, we want to be a partner in that conversation and really get down to what is going on versus sometimes the behavior that's happening. And we get stuck in that as parents, and then becomes the cycle of trying to figure out how to deal with this problematic behavior, but we never really got to the root cause of what was going on.

Host: That is so significant, because we do tend to focus solely on behavior. And if the behavior's good, all's good,. And if it isn't, we want to change that behavior. And like you said, that does not necessarily address the problem.

Adam Miller, LCPC: Yeah. And when you're thinking about sort of this resilience factor, and building off of those seven Cs of resiliency, that connection that we've had and we fostered through early childhood, getting into school age and adolescence, I think is a key component for me in fostering the ability to have those conversations that, you know, when we check in about homework, when we check in about, "Hey, you seem down or sad today," that it is an opening to a conversation and not sort of this barrier of "I don't want to talk, you're not going to understand," because you've had many, many, and many, many other times where you've had those positive conversations. And the exchange of information and caring has been evident already.

Host: So, you build on the relationship that you already have, and I'm hearing a lot of quiet spaces, a focus on listening and observation and modeling. Any other key takeaways from our conversation today?

Adam Miller, LCPC: Yeah. I think, again, looking at what is sort of developmentally appropriate as kids get older, knowing that younger ages, yeah, you're going to have some of those tantrums and the inability to manage emotions. Kids are reacting, not thinking about consequences. And as you get into school age, certainly adolescence, high school, there starts to be a little bit of a flip in terms of control. Kids want to have more autonomy. They want to be able to make their own decisions. And finding ways as parents to help do that in age-appropriate, safe ways where they get to have some control, they get to make some choices for themselves. And I think that helps build some resiliency as well in terms of their confidence and their competence in who they are and who they're developing to be.

Host: Well, Adam, thank you so much for your insights and sharing these techniques and perspectives for helping kids regulate their emotions and build emotional resilience.

Adam Miller, LCPC: You're very welcome. Thank you.

Host: That was Adam Miller, Manager, Klein Family Center, part of University of Maryland, Upper Chesapeake Health. Listen to more at umms.org/podcast, YouTube, or your favorite podcast platform.

Thank you for listening to Live Greater, a Health and Wellness podcast, brought to you by the University of Maryland Medical System. We look forward to you joining us again, and please share this on your social media.