Amanda Wilde (Host): Welcome to the Live Greater podcast series, information for a healthier you from the University of Maryland Medical System. Join us as we talk about the challenges of parenting and explore strategies for when parenting feels hard. My guest is Adam Miller, Manager Klein Family Center, part of University of Maryland, Upper Chesapeake Health.

I'm Amanda Wilde, your host. Adam Miller, welcome.

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Host: When a parent feels overwhelmed, what is actually happening in the brain and the nervous system?

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: Oh, great question. Yeah. I think we start to feel overwhelmed. we start to get into often that fight, fight or freeze and, go from there. And the front part of our brain where we really want to make good communication with our kids, where we really want to have good processing and thinking skills, sometimes shuts down when we get overwhelmed.

Host: And how does a parent's mindset affect how stressful moments like tantrums or transitions play out?

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: Yeah. Well, I think that, you know, oftentimes when parenting feels hard, it's often due to an imbalance between overwhelming demands and insufficient resources that we have within our family. One of the big factors, is I think this perfect parenting myth where I think modern society and maybe even social media, gets us to think that we have to do things perfectly.

When you think about Facebook and social media; people tend to post the best things that are going on in their family. And that conveys that everything's great here, everything's perfect, and that's often not the case. And I think we need to recognize that every family has some difficult times and difficult situations to manage, and that's really normal and okay.

Host: Well, let's talk about some techniques parents can use. What's one mindset shift that can help parents respond more calmly during those high stress moments?

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: I just did it myself. It's taking that first deep breath. Before you kind of have that jump into that conversation. And so I think regulating before reacting is a theme that I talk a lot when I'm working with families, practicing grounding ourselves like that deep breathing. Like connecting with the environment around you, the sounds, the tastes maybe even, the, the things that you can touch and feel helps us to be able to kind of regulate, connect with what's going on, before we jump into that sometimes very difficult conversation. Another big key component is, the power of no. And sometimes just being able to set healthy boundaries with our kids, when there's a lot of external things that might be happening is really important. It's okay to say no to our kids.

I like to encourage the follow-up with the why I'm saying no. Because I think that helps foster some understanding and some good communication. But that's an okay thing, to be able to tell our kids as well.

Host: You talked about taking a breath, and that is so very true. What tools can help parents pause, reset, and stay grounded when emotions are running high?

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: To me, it really does start with that deep breath. I think it's okay to model how we want these interactions to go, and I think that starts off in a very early age. It's okay to say, I need to take a couple minutes. Why don't you go read a book? Why don't you go, maybe even watch TV. I'm going to go do this.

I'm going to sit down and take a few minutes. That modeling, I think, is a key component to the ability to deal with hard situations. That time away often allows us to calm down and reflect a little bit about what do I really want to convey? How do I want to handle this situation? That's an okay thing to do to slow this process down.

Host: And it reminds you of your agency in the situation. You have control, so you, you're not being led around by your child's emotions.

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: Absolutely. I, I talk to parents all the time about that key point of that you are in control and sometimes giving choices is a way of controlling it. You're giving the choices that you are okay with that then the child gets to pick from. And that is a way of kind of having some boundaries in that relationship and in the structure of parenting too, as, as a way to give some autonomy, but also maintain that structure and the parenting support that we want to be able to provide.

Host: I think we're touching too, on how to reframe a situation so that we can respond more calmly. How can parents reframe everyday challenges without dismissing how hard those moments feel?

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: Two things that jumped out to me, one is focusing on the connection with your child versus the control of that interaction and really making those interactions feel like you're, you're hearing them, that they have a voice in the situation, that they have a say sometimes when it's appropriate.

It may not always be appropriate for them to make the final decision on how to do things, but really focusing on that connection and the relationship. And then I think also it takes a village. We've all heard that term and reaching out to your supports, your friends, your family, your parent, your own parents, other people that may have a, a good understanding themselves of what the challenges are like and that we feel like we do have some support. And that it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to kind of run things by other people, whether that's a friend, family member, or even a professional as well.

Host: Adam, as we wrap things up today, what's one message you want parents to remember on their toughest days?

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: Well, you know, I think that the relationship is important. And that it is going to be hard. Parenting is hard. It's okay to struggle. It's always okay to circle back later that day, the next day, and apologize for something that you've said wrong, a behavior that happened. Again, I think it's about modeling, taking responsibility, focusing on the relationship, and working on these things together.

Host: Well, Adam, thank you for sharing some really helpful techniques and insights into how we can respond when parenting feels hard.

Adam Miller, LCPC, LPC: Absolutely. Thank you.

Host: That was Adam Miller, Manager Klein Family Center, part of University of Maryland, Upper Chesapeake Health. Listen to more at UMMS.org/podcast, YouTube, or your favorite podcast platform. Thank you for listening to Live Greater, a health and wellness podcast brought to you by the University of Maryland Medical System.

We look forward to you joining us again, and please share this on your social media.