Transcription:
Transforming Your Grief Episode 1

Scott Webb: We've all experienced loss and grief, especially during the pandemic and navigating all of this on our own can be challenging. I'm joined today by social worker and bereavement coordinator. Shannon Radel. She's here to help us understand loss and grief and how we can best deal with these feelings and emotions.

This is the inspired health podcast from Upland Hills health. I'm Scott Webb. So Shannon, thanks so much for joining me this year has been a challenge for all of us. It's not a stretch to think we've all experienced grief of some sort this year, because of COVID-19 many of the groups or activities you would typically facilitate, had to be canceled.

What would you tell our listeners about understanding grief and coping with the feelings related to loss?

Shannon Radel: It has been a challenging year. And so I think it's really important to talk about why grief is such a complex response to loss. And because we all experience loss at every stage of our life, learning how to cope in a healthy way is the most beneficial thing that we can do.

In my opinion, it seems like we live in a death and aging denial society. And because of that, we suppress our feelings and oftentimes continue to live as if nothing has happened. Well, we know that if we ignore our feelings or we choose not to work through difficult times, that it has a way of coming back and often when we least expect it and often in a far more distressing form.

So when we're talking about facing a difficult transition, such as life after loss, it's important to recognize that we do have the ability and the personal obligation to find our way. Through the mud and the muck, if you will. So during a typical grief support group, as the facilitator, I would want to learn what are the barriers as to what is making someone feel stuck?

When a person has insight on what is holding them back or what they're struggling with the most such as feelings of depression, loneliness, fear or anxiety, we can then start looking at how can we gain those tools to weather through the storm.

Scott Webb: And can you talk more about moving through loss and if there are different types?

Shannon Radel: Yeah. So when we're talking about loss, most of us think that it's usually related to death. However I mentioned earlier, that loss really is a concept that starts and continues throughout the entirety of our life. You know, the actual definition of loss, it's quite lengthy, but it's essentially the real or perceived deprivation of something that we once deemed meaningful And that we're unable to return to some aspect of our life that we had cherished or valued that is no longer possible So we usually think of loss as it pertains to death But just to back up a little bit and talking about the year that we've all had or that we've all kind of experienced You know when we consider this past year many of us have struggled through many losses you know lost time with our family perhaps a job Maybe we had to cancel a vacation or we can't go to our favorite stores or festivals or what have you know those things seem really trivial in comparison to the almost 300,000 Lives lost due to COVID-19 and because not all loss is equal It's important to keep in mind that loss is hard You know I want to share a little bit more about the different types of loss and there is one type that is the most common um and that we all do experience at one time or another and that's known as ambiguous loss So in big use loss is kind of this run of the mill day to day Um more common Things that we would experience it is the end of a relationship Having aging parents kids leaving for college for the first time Maybe it is retirement even I mean we're losing something that we did value at one point and now we no longer have it So studies have shown that if we are able to be more adaptable than everyday life then we are better equipped to deal with the catastrophic or sudden changes that occur with loss So as a rule it's my opinion that Human beings like to kind of know what to expect We are creatures of habit and it's really easy to live on autopilot And to assume that while we have or what we love will always be there. The trouble comes when a sudden lost as occur, and then we have to retrain our brain for the new normal. So for example, if your spouse was the one who always ensured that the tax has got done or made sure that the furnace was in working order before winter came, what happens the first time that you need to learn how to do something new as a result of that loss?

Well, the short answer is that we must learn to cope and we, you know, we will figure it out. And the good news is, is that we have far more capacity and resilience than most of us ever give ourselves credit for.

Scott Webb: Yeah, I think that's so right. And when we talk about grief, how can we accept our grief, which is difficult to do?

How do we know if what we're experiencing is quote unquote normal?

Shannon Radel: right? Yeah. So that's a great question. And I'll just start by saying that there really is no normal way to grieve. I mean how we respond to it as, as unique as you and I are as human beings. And so therefore how we grieve will be as well.

One of my favorite quotes as stated by Elizabeth, the first I think she actually said grief never ends, but it changes. It is a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor lack of faith. It is the price of love. I experienced a pretty significant loss myself last summer, and it was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced as an adult.

And so I keep that quote in my wallet, you know, on my office wall, because it really does remind me that even on the darkest days that I feel this way, because I, in fact did love. You know, so to love somebody is to grieve. And if we can view grief from that lens or from that vantage point, then we can change our experience to it.

We don't have to let it kind of control us if you will. When I'm working with folks in the grief support group, I want to understand what their world was like before the loss. So what was their social life like? How are their finances, maybe their health or their professional life? When they're able to recall that we can then kind of establish a goal or a baseline that they may want to get back to.

I want to encourage listeners to accept yourself and your feelings no matter where you are in the process. The other thing I want to mention is that often it's easy to feel invalidated or as if someone is brushing us off as if our experiences are no big deal. So going back to the ambiguous loss, you know, if I break up with a significant other or, you know, maybe my parents moved to Florida or Arizona or something of that nature.

Um, and I feel like I miss them. People may say, well, big deal. You know. Worse things have happened" or even things like, "God, doesn't give you more than you can handle." You know, those statements are well-intended, but I don't really think that they make the griever feel better. Um, and it's important to keep in mind that those comments or those statements, they're not about you. They're about the other person, not maybe recognizing how to support another person during an uncomfortable time or situation.

So whether we're trying to receive or give comfort, just know that it's okay not to know what to say. Saying something like, "I don't know what to say right now, but just know that I care about you or I'm here for you if you need anything," can truly be one of the most meaningful things you could offer.

Scott Webb: Yeah, a lot to unpack there. And I think we all have had that experience. We all love. We've all loved and because we've loved, we've experienced grief. There's no doubt about that. It's such a beautiful quote and we've all been in that experience too, as you say, in those situations where we feel like we need to say something, we want to say something and we're just not sure what to say. And as you point out. It is okay to just say, "I don't know what to say, but I care about you. And I just want you to know that," right?

Shannon Radel: Absolutely. And I'll just add this quickly, that recently within the last couple of months, rather that statement, I just said, "I don't know what to say right now." I mean, you can really use that statement to open any door as it pertains to an uncomfortable situation. So if it's something that maybe you want to say to your boss or a sibling or your spouse, you know, oftentimes we come across as, you know, critical or demeaning or any of those things that we don't want to be taken the wrong way of course. But if you start by just saying that, "Hey, listen. I'm not sure what the right route is here, but I want to let you know that I do want to be there for you." I think oftentimes that can just really open up the floodgates in a more positive way.

Scott Webb: Yeah. I think that's good and helpful for all of us to just know that we have people around us who care about us, who want to help. And we of course understand, you don't have to say anything, you know, "Just having you here and knowing that I have your support is enough for me in this moment, this moment of grief."

Shannon Radel: Absolutely.

Scott Webb: Yeah. And so speaking of grief, that concept is just so vast. Can you share more about the different types and how grief really affects us?

Shannon Radel: You know, we've talked a little bit about loss today and grief essentially is the response to loss. So particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died. You know, something that or someone that we have a bond or a great affection for. So generally when we focus on, um, going through grief and figuring out our feelings as it pertains to loss, we typically only focus on the emotional response, but our body and our mind can respond as well. This can come out as, you know, in physical manners, cognitively, behaviorally, even spiritually.

When talking about the three major types of grief. There are three major types. It's anticipatory complicated and disenfranchised. So anticipatory grief is when we are expecting something to happen that we know will deeply hurt us. So for an example, could be when a loved one begins with hospice care, you know, they're passing is inevitable and we are essentially waiting for them to pass away. The in-between time can be excruciating. And that's, you know, where we're always waiting for, "Is today the last day," for example, "that I might see them, or I might give grandma a hug or whoever."

The second most common type of grief is called complicated grief. So complicated grief is when there are painful emotions that are so long lasting and so severe that we have trouble recovering from that loss or resuming our own life again. I would typically refer someone for professional help if that were the case.

And lastly, there's disenfranchised grief. So this is a term that's describing grief that isn't often acknowledged by society. Those examples could include the death of a friend, the loss of a pet, having a miscarriage or a death of a loved one due to a socially unacceptable way of passing such as suicide. So I think those three things in and of themselves is quite a lot, but it's also important to keep in mind that there are the five stages of grief, which I think most of us have heard about.

So Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, she actually kind of came up with this concept and those five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People who are grieving don't necessarily go through all the stages. And they certainly won't maybe experience them all through the same order. And in doing a basic internet search, there's often many, many types of models out there that we could utilize. The takeaway is that there isn't a certain or specific way that you will grieve, but it is important to try to avoid comparing your loss to those around you or trying to compare your current loss to something that you previously experienced.

I just want to say that all of our feelings need an outlet. And as mentioned at the top, one way or another, they will make themselves known. It's important to keep in mind that grief is a process. One of the best metaphors that has really resonated with me and I think is so appropriate, is that of a roller coaster. So if you've ever been on a roller coaster, you know the feeling. It goes up, down, sudden turn, spins. I mean, you know, it's kind of, uh, unpredictable and they're definitely not linear. In the same way, life and grief, they have their ups and downs, and there are sudden turns there as well. Life and grief are unpredictable and often not linear.

Grief can be debilitating and scary, and some people may even feel like they're losing control or going crazy. This is usually because of changing moods or intrusive thoughts. I would just encourage anyone who is feeling this way to connect with a loved one, keeping a journal perhaps, or writing down the times of day that you're struggling the most. Maybe you can find a pattern or look for commonalities from day to day.

And if needed, you can always reach out to the Upland Hills Health Home Care and Hospice office and you can ask for myself, Shannon Radel.

Scott Webb: That's great, Shannon. Thanks so much for your time today and you stay well.

Shannon Radel: Thank you so much.

Scott Webb: Let social worker and bereavement coordinator, Shannon Radel. Watch for additional podcast on transforming your grief with Shannon in the future. And if you found this podcast helpful, please share it on your social channels. This is the Inspire Health podcast from Upland Hills Health. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well.