Transcription:
Transforming Your Grief: Episode 4

Scott Webb: We all wear masks, both literally during COVID-19 and metaphorically to convince others that we are successfully dealing with loss and grief. And in part four of our series on transforming our grief, Shannon Radel, hospice social worker and bereavement coordinator at Upland Hills South in Dodgeville, is going to help us learn to accept our grief by going into the light and stress the importance of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.

This is Inspire Health podcast from Upland Hills Health. I'm Scott Webb. So Shannon, it's so great to be back on with you again. Great to hear your voice, always great to hear your voice. Today, we're talking about expressing our feelings and sharing with others. And you know, it does seem like it would be easy to hide from others or ourselves, you know, when facing a dark time. And does this concept help us better understand why expressing and sharing our feelings can really help us move forward?

Shannon Radel: So this is a topic that I'm excited to talk about because expressing our feelings and sharing with others is so important in just everyday life, not just when we are experiencing grief or a loss.

So when we're happy, it's easy to express joy. It's easy kind of to talk about what is making us happy. But is it so easy to express our grief when we're hurting inside? What about anger or guilt?   Over time, adults and some children learn how to hold in their feelings. And it's with this principle of expressing our feelings that we can discuss the importance of not only sharing with others, but telling the people in our lives how we really and truly feel.

In general, our society sometimes expects us to be strong or put on a strong face or at the very least, they're uncomfortable with people describing their weakness, particularly when they are talking about grief. But when we experience a loss, expressing with other is vital. You know, it's so important to have those connections. And honestly, it's really important to have a connection with our inner selves, like knowing ourselves and knowing how to express.

Our inability to connect with our feelings and our capacity to share with others is often a message that we receive from childhood. So if you grew up in a house where the parents thought that children should be seen and not heard, or that little boys and men don't cry or talk about feelings, then, you know, as adults, we're probably going to follow those same ideals, despite the fact that they might not be the best ones. And sometimes we even do it subconsciously.

So in talking about our feelings and talking about knowing ourselves and how to share with others, I bring up the example in the typical support group of asking participants if they've ever felt like they've had to wear a mask when they've been surrounded by family or friends. So not surprisingly, all of the people can relate to this experience because everybody raises their hand. The idea of wearing a mask when we're sad, upset, feeling disappointed or depressed or overwhelmed and so on, you know, it's something that's really common in our society.

In one of the first podcast, I talked about that we live in a death and dying society. And often the person who has experienced a loss, you know, they feel like they maybe shouldn't have certain feelings beyond the mourning period. So let's say a week or two or a month or whatever they define that to be, you know. That we shouldn't talk to people who may not be interested in knowing more about our loss. But I think that's the mask, you know, like we are wearing that mask as the griever thinking that others may not care or may not be interested.

And I think most of us have probably seen that commercial for, you know, the antidepressant medications or medications for other mental illnesses, where the woman is walking around, she has that cardboard mask in her purse. You know, she's able to put it on when she's spending time with friends or she's at work or she's even with her own family. But then at the end of the day, she puts that cardboard mask, I think, in her closet, you know, and it isn't until the end of the commercial where she has started this medication with effect and she doesn't even need to take the mask with her anymore.

Well, unfortunately in real life, we don't walk around with a mask and, you know, we can't just put that away when we feel like we're ready to share and discuss and what have you.

Scott Webb: Yeah. And I know we're talking about masks, you know, almost sort of metaphorically, but of course, right now, during COVID-19 and the literal face coverings, the literal masks, and I'm sort of thinking about that, about how often maybe I sort of can kind of hide behind my mask. I can go to the store and, you know, I'm hiding behind a literal, an actual mask. But as you say, and we're talking about this sort of metaphorically, we all have that metaphorical mask with us most of the time. And when to put it on when to take it off, who to put it on for and so on is complicating and tricky for sure.

Shannon Radel: Yeah, I think that's a great point. And you know, it's so interesting we all are living in COVID and you know, when I was reviewing the notes for today, I didn't even honestly connect it to COVID, like the wearing the little mask rather. But, yeah, how true, we go to the grocery store or the pharmacy or wherever, and we don't even need to-- unless we can super like hide our feelings with our eyes, if we're having a bad day, nobody will know unless we actually tell them because it is so easy to hide our faces now with COVID and such.

Scott Webb: I know you've talked about vulnerability in the past. So does that come into play when we dive into the idea of expressing ourselves?

Shannon Radel: Absolutely. A hundred percent. I'm going to share a quick example from the curriculum that I would typically share with the grief support group to kind of open up this topic. So the example goes as such: This person who is experiencing loss says to her friend, "You know, it's so difficult to live without my husband. I miss him so much and I don't know what to do." And the friend says, "What are you talking about? You look great. You seem great." The griever says, "Oh, maybe, but in reality, I miss him. And a lot of days it's just so unbearable and I can barely get out of bed." And her friend goes on to say, "That's crazy. You are being so strong. I'm so proud of you."

And at the end of this small conversation, the griever then says, "You think so? Yeah, you're right. I guess I am, you know, feeling great." Well, of course, we all know that she isn't doing great. She's not feeling great. And unfortunately, many people don't know how to open up the conversation to really experience those deep relationships and to really dive into the deep feelings. You know, we all desire and crave a relationship where we can tell the person almost anything, you know, and not be feared or not be judged.

It's not because we don't think that they won't care. Sometimes it seems like if we share our deepest and darkest thoughts, you know, what if they either don't have a response or they don't care? What if they judge you? And I think when we say those things out loud, even to ourselves, then it's almost like it's real, like "I've said this thing. Now it exists, now I have to confront it."

And so with all that in mind, you know, it does require a lot of vulnerability to get that deep and to have that courage, to really share what you're feeling and to really negate somebody if they are saying, "What are you talking about? You look great," you know, to then really challenge that and say, "No, I'm not great. I don't look great. I need your help." So rather than saying all that, sometimes it does seem like it's easier to put up a front.

I want to talk a little bit about and introduce the teachings of Brené Brown. So if you're not familiar with her name or with her work, she kind of became a household name after a famous TED Talk in 2010 about the power of vulnerability. Prior to that, she was a clinical social worker and she obtained her PhD. She worked as a professor at the University of Texas Austin, so she has a lot of   knowledge base prior to becoming a world-renowned speaker and author.

But she says that owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy. She goes on to say that we cultivate love only when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known. We honor connection with others that grows from the offering of truth, respect, kindness, and connection.

You know, I have found in my work and my work even outside of working as a bereavement counselor and within grief, that many of us try so hard to hide from our vulnerability or our perceived weaknesses, that we just try to paint over the parts of ourselves that we want to cover up. In real life, covering over ourselves or painting ourselves so we don't have to show up, that might look like getting drunk several nights a week or working 15-hour days or spending time with technology when we should be spending time with our own children.

Ernest Hemingway, one of my favorite authors and he has a great quote, but he said, "We are all broken and that's how the light gets in." And so the light in this quote is the feelings, are the feelings. the vulnerability, the things that we want to share so we can have a deeper connection. I have found that if we spend our lives running from the light, we realize that in the darkness, there is no growth and there is no change. And so to me, that's an even scarier alternative.

Scott Webb: I'm wondering, Shannon, if you can share a couple of strategies that might help us identify what we're feeling. You know, as I understand it, there are dozens, if not more, feelings even though sometimes it really seems like there's just a couple.

Shannon Radel: Yeah, absolutely. So the idea of, you know, having dozens and dozens and dozens of feelings, that might be a new concept to some folks. But I want to take it from an angle of, you know, imagine yourself having a disagreement or an argument with maybe a friend or family member or even a spouse. And you say something like, "I feel like you don't understand me," or "I feel like you're trying to make me angry" or "You make me angry." So when we feel upset or hostile, the idea of trying to express our feelings in a way that's productive, it can seem impossible at times, you know?

And when you say things like, "I feel like you," or "I feel like you don't understand," you're not really saying how you feel, you're saying what you think. You're saying what you believe. And so I want to challenge listeners to when you're talking about your feelings or when you're talking about, you know, trying to describe what you're feeling, that you actually say something like, "I feel upset when you do this," or "I feel scared when you do this."

So one of the things that I have found over the years, and everybody can find it if you just do a simple internet search, but it's called a feelings wheel. The example I'll share and hopefully folks go online and find this, but it's essentially a pie. It looks like a pie with about 80 different slivers, you know? And so there's several different rings, but in the core, there are five or six core emotions. And so they are scared, mad, sad, happy, angry and joyful. Those are generally the core emotions and several of the wheels do look a little bit different.

But from the core emotion, then another circle erupts. And then underneath the sliver of anger, there are six or seven other emotions. Under the sliver of happiness, there are six or seven under emotions. And so when we are able to understand that we might not be feeling angry, but we might be feeling hurt or criticized, you know, we can effectively communicate with more kindness and more grace.

So in my house, I have the emotions wheel on our refrigerator. And for the most part if my husband and I are at a crossroads or some disagreement, you know, we can walk to that refrigerator and look at the wheel and we can say, "You know, this is what I'm feeling. I'm not angry at you I'm feeling this," or "I'm not sad right now. I'm feeling this." and so that walk to the refrigerator, one, it gives us a chance to chill out so we can gather our thoughts or what have you, but we can then also respond appropriately and not in such a reactive manner.

When you are able to better communicate your feelings and really understand what you're feeling, rather than yelling at someone or stonewalling somebody, you are able to actually break down those walls. So if you are feeling angry, but through some time, you realize that your spouse or your loved one or whomever, if you are able to recognize that your anger is maybe because you feel hurt or because you feel threatened, most likely the person that you're talking with or in a disagreement with, they don't want to make you feel threatened, they don't want to hurt you. But they do want to better understand you and most likely you want to better understand them. So for sure, I would do that little internet search after you listened to this podcast and really check it out. I think you would find it really helpful.

Another strategy is to keep track of your day. So like a feelings journal, but in a chart form. And so you can just take a blank piece of paper. You can put like a horizontal vertical grid on it. It looks like a 90-degree angle. You know, and then on the vertical part, you put the days of the week. On the bottom, you can put, you know, the emotions that you most likely feel. And so you can track, “On Monday at 11, I felt like this. On Tuesday at 1, I felt like this." And maybe by tracking your feelings or your emotions over the course of the week, you can look back and say, "Hmm, it seems like every day around 11, I feel really anxious." And by tracking those things, you're able to identify what might be causing that, you know? And so then you can create an action plan and try to get ahead of those triggers.

Scott Webb: And I'm wondering, do I versus You-statements fall into the strategies category?

Shannon Radel: Yeah, totally. So, you know, when I was talking about the wheel and giving examples of, when someone says, "I feel like this" when you're really wanting to say, "I think" or "I believe" you know. When you say, "I feel like you don't care" or "You make me feel so upset" or "You make me angry,” when you say a You-statement versus an I-statement, it's really difficult to figure out how you, the griever or the person who is struggling, how you're really feeling.

So an example of a You-statement is "You make me feel so unloved when you don't pay attention to my needs." Whereas an I-statement would sound like, "I feel upset when you don't take into consideration what I want or need." So in the You-statement, you're simply sharing what the other person makes you feel. But in reality, nobody can make us feel anything. We feel for ourselves and in doing so it's important to own those feelings and figure out why did you feel upset?

My point is that the next time that you're feeling like you're engaging in a difficult conversation, you know, try to take note of how often you are using You versus I-statements. My husband and I, I don't really hide the fact that we have heated discussions from time to time, as I'm sure most married people out there can understand. But when he says like, "You make me feel like this," or "You do this," I'll say, "Okay, but wait, what are you feeling?" I want to stop him because I want to know what he really feels. I don't know what he's really feeling if he's just, you know, jumping to, let's say, a reactive statement or being accusatory or what have you. When we start to learn to use I-statements, we can learn how to better communicate and hopefully resolve a concern sooner than later.

The last thing I want to share on today when talking about our feelings and with this concept as it pertains to strategies, is that, you know, in this time of COVID and we've talked just a little bit about that today, that everything continues to feel so dark and unbearable and maybe lonely and like this is never going to end. You know, it's so difficult to connect with people, and when we can't connect with others, we may not even want to connect with ourselves, you know.

But if you are listening and you think that a support group is something you would never attend or something you want to attend, but because of COVID, you can't, I would encourage you to try to find an online support group, maybe online counseling or other resources that you could find online. So a good resource or good website that I always recommend is the National Association of Mental Illness or NAMI. You can print information, they can mail it to you if you'd like. If you have somebody who will help you use the internet, if you don't have access, you could also search support groups on Facebook.

So you can just type in the search bar up top, words that are related to grief, or you can put support group or loss of a spouse, something like that. And there's somebody out there who is going through what you're going through. And I just say that because it's easy to feel alone right now, you know. These last 11 or 12 months have been just incredibly difficult. And I think a lot of us feel like we're the only ones going through something, but we're not alone. There are so many people who probably are in the same boat as you are, and who would benefit just as much, you know, as having that connection.

Now, if you don't have an internet at your house or their computer at your house, you can always go to the library. The librarian can help you get account set up or it can help you search. You could actually also call your local AARP office or if you could get the AARP magazine. You know, there are numbers in there that can offer support as well. And at the very least you can call your local social services office. Or a lot of folks in the Dodgeville or Iowa County area where I work in, they will call the hospital and they'll say, "Is there a social worker I can talk to about this? You know, I just lost my husband and I'm really struggling." And so even if that person hasn't been on our services, they'll connect that caller to me, because they may not even live within our service area, but our hospital might be the closest hospital to them. So if they need someone to talk to, they can always call like a healthcare organization. The receptionist or whoever will definitely get you connected to the right person or at least give you some guidance for the right direction

Scott Webb: As we wrap up, I just want to know if you have any final words about connecting with others and really what may help someone move forward?

Shannon Radel: I'll just share with the listeners, and I feel like I've shared this in the past, that I struggled with depression and situational depression over the years. And I love it reading quotes and finding quotes and things that, you know, will inspire me or help me get out of my funk. And one of the quotes that I have hanging actually in our bedroom is, "No wall is high or strong enough to separate us from one another's loneliness and despair. Even if we convince ourselves that we do not need other people, we realize that they need us."

And so I think whether you're grieving because of a loss of a loved one, you're grieving because of this last year, you're grieving because maybe your depression or some other issue is unresolved at this time and, you know, you're struggling, I think it's amid that loss that we can realize that we may feel like we just want to isolate and be alone. But it's true that other people do need us, that might be your kids. That might be a spouse. That might be even a pet, you know?

I believe that it's in service of others, that we often are able to become ourselves again, you know, by giving and sharing. That's, in my opinion, where the light lives. So our grief and our pain, they don't go anywhere and they don't usually go anywhere too quick, but if we can express how we feel and treat others with kindness during a time of our lives that's very difficult, it likely will be a defining moment, you know?

And I just want to remind folks that just because you've lost somebody extremely important to you, doesn't mean that you've lost the rest of the world. People are here, we care, we want to listen. And so, you know, try your hardest to let the light in, let others in. There's always been brokenness, there always will be brokenness of some sort in the world. But it is the light and the future that can get us through some of the most difficult times.

Scott Webb: Yeah, it definitely can. And I just love when we get to the end of these with you, that I always feel just a little more hopeful and optimistic. And, you know, as you say, we need to take care of ourselves. We need to express ourselves and we need to be there for other people. And in being there for other people, we often really find our own purpose, which is such a great message.

So Shannon, so great having you on again. Great to speak with you. I hope you and your new puppy are getting along well. And I look forward to speaking with you again. You stay well.

Shannon Radel: Great. Thank you.

Scott Webb: Watch for the next podcast on transforming your grief, search for podcasts at uplandhillshealth.org. And if you found this podcast helpful, please share it on your social channels. This is the Inspire Health Podcast from Upland Hills Health. I'm Scott Webb. Stay well.