Iris Clark: Welcome to For the Girls by the Valentina Campaign. I'm your host, Iris Clark, and we talk about all things growing up, confidence, self-care and relationships and so much more.

So today, I'm here with the lovely Ellie Hardy to dive into all things friendships. So Ellie, thank you so much for coming on today. We're so excited to talk to you. This is going to be so awesome. And this time, we're going to do a super deep dive kind of into friendships, high school friendships, college friendships, all that kind of thing.

So just to start off, I think we're going to start with high school, like, let's go back in time a little bit. I know it wasn't that long ago for you, it feels like an eternity for me, but we're just going to go back a little bit, and just give us an overview of your high school friendships. You don't have to name any names, it's not that. But who are your friends? Like, did you have a friend group? Were you more with a couple one-off friends? Was it all girl friendships? Were there male friendships in there? What's the deal?

Ellie Hardy: I think that throughout high school, I had certain friend groups, certain friend groups for certain things. You know, I would have like my one friend group that was kind of more, with want to go out and like do stuff and have fun, like that's kind of the group that I would hang out with. And then, I'd have a couple other friends that really weren't a part of my friend group, but I would just hang out with one on one. So, I think it was nice definitely having a variety of different people to hang out with and be around because just kind of obviously having different people around is good. But male friendships, I did have a lot of guy friends. I love guy friends. I feel like guy friends are very unproblematic, just so easy and just chill and just like relaxing so that's fun to have.

I will say friendships in high school are very different from the friends that you meet in college. I feel like the friendships that you make in college will be like your friends forever. Like, the girls that I've already met here so far, I can picture being at my wedding. I just feel like I've grown such a close bond with these people here, because we're all in the same boat. We're all here together. We live so close to each other, like down the hall are two of my best friends. So, it's definitely way different than high school even like certain situations with friendships, like drama is completely different from high school drama. You know what I mean? Just from past experiences in high school.

Definitely keeping your friend groups smaller and not having a lot of friends saves a lot of stress, because like you're trying to make happy and trying to, you know, make plans with and don't want to let down, it can cause you so much anxiety. And I think that's one thing that I've learned a lot with my friendships in high school, is like saying yes to everyone, just like it builds up. So, keeping your circle small and close is definitely something that I've cherished over these past couple months just being here.

Host: I totally get that. I think that oftentimes it's so easy to like spread yourself too thin, because you're convinced like having the most friends is super important. And I know I've dealt with that my whole life is like not quite knowing how to gauge, "Am I spreading myself too thin with having this many people I'm trying to see?" Or like, "Is it good? Am I good?" Like it's hard because it's such a balance and I feel like going from high school to college is when you start to learn that because you're really managing your own time in college. It's like nobody else is managing your time but you. You're responsible for you. And so, you really have to kind of balance, first of all, school, and then all your friendships, and then having fun and, you know, making new friends, and all that kind of stuff. So, yeah, I think it can get really hard and I think a good thing that we can talk about is how do you think we can talk about it in high school, and then we can talk about it in college, because it's so different.

But in high school, how do you think you were at managing your friendships? Meaning like managing your time with your friends and making sure you weren't overexerting yourself. Kind of how did you deal with that? Because it's really hard in high school, I feel like.

Ellie Hardy: I feel like in high school, it was way more difficult to manage your time well with friends than in college, because like, in college, you know, you're in a dorm with them, like you're constantly with those people. But I think in high school, I always wanted to be with my friends, like I'm always that type of person where I would rather be with my friends than doing anything else.

But definitely in high school, I would say with that big of like a friend group, I always did try to take time for myself, because that was a lot. Being around so many people all the time, that can get very overwhelming and like, you know, my social battery runs out. So, I'm just like, "Okay. I need to go home, take a shower, chill to myself, read a book or something," and that's something that I would do, just telling your friends.

As much as I didn't want to let them down, I think just making sure that they know that you have your own priorities, that you need to get done, and you have stuff that, you know, if you want to take care of yourself, you need to take care of yourself. Don't feel bad to let those people down just because you need time for yourself, because I think being by yourself and like taking time for you makes being with your friends more special. And then, you're like excited to see your friends. So, I think it makes it way more special when you actually take care of yourself and you're not surrounding yourself with so many people all at once, like all the time.

Host: I totally agree. I think that it's so hard. I think for a lot of young women, we kind of all believe that we have to overexert ourselves and do everything for everyone else all the time. It's kind of just like ingrained in us as women, and I think that it's so important for younger girls in high school to acknowledge and realize you're allowed to set boundaries now. When you're 16, set If you learn it earlier than later, you will grow so much and just be able to really know who you are so much earlier, because I think a lot of us in high school, we just do whatever anybody else wants to do. It's kind of like, you know, "My friends want to go do this right now. Okay, I'll go I guess." Like, you know, it's kind of you just go with it. But I think in college, it's a great time to kind of start to set your boundaries and be like, "Okay, like this night a week, I really got to stay in because I know that this weekend is going to be like we're all going to be going out and having fun and doing all of our things. So, it's like I'm going to preserve my energy Thursday night. I'm staying in. I'm watching a movie. I'm going to do this and take care of myself. And then Friday and Saturday, Sunday is fair game and I do whatever." So, I think it's good that you said that and just that learning how to preserve your own time and kind of really take care of yourself in those situations.

And I definitely think it's important for younger girls to realize that you're allowed to do that. You're allowed to do whatever you want when you're young. You don't have to do what all your friends want to do. And I think that kind of going into that a little bit more, I would love to know how guy-girl friendships, like your friendships with girls and your friendships with guys are so different. And I would just honestly love to talk about how to kind of manage both those friendships, because especially friend groups in high school can get so messy so quick. And I just thinking back on all the stuff that happens in high school, it gives me a headache. It's always so crazy and so much drama. And I think that we should definitely chat a little bit about how you kind of get through those hard times in friend groups with guys and girls and ugh, blah blah, all the drama and that. Like, how do you think you kind of handled those kinds of situations?

Ellie Hardy: I would say, in high school, I definitely dealt with a lot of drama in friend groups, you know, like, people will talk bad about each other behind them, like behind their backs, and it just caused so much drama. And I'm not saying I'm the innocent one, because everyone makes mistakes, everyone talks about each other.

And that's one thing that I think I've learned a lot is how to deal with those situations. And honestly, I've dealt with it a little bit here and like I feel like in the short amount of time being here. I've already learned how to handle those situations. I feel like it's taught me so much. But back in high school, I would say if there was ever like an argument between everyone, I would say talking to the people individually instead of having like a big group. Talking to the person that, if you have an issue with someone in the friend group, don't make it everyone else's problem. If you have an issue with just someone specifically, I feel like everyone in the friend group is going to try and get involved and try and voice their opinion. But at the end of the day, it just causes way more stress and anxiety, and it makes the situation so much worse than it really is.

My friend group and I here in college, we've had issues. And every single time there's an issue with just someone one on one, I feel like everyone voices their opinion, and I have too. And that's something that I'm trying to work on personally. It is just like it's their business, stay out of it. You know what I mean? When everyone else is getting involved, first of all, it puts pressure on the people that are just trying to deal with that issue one on one. And it puts unnecessary anxiety for me. Like, why am I stressing out about a situation that I'm not even in?

Host: Yes, totally. I love what you said. It's just like, when there's an issue happening with two people, and if it's including you, try and get it out of the friend group, and that can be so hard, especially in high school, because everyone wants to be in each other's business. It kind of feels like it's the whole thing, like everyone's sticking their nose into places that don't belong. But I think that it's important to maybe even keep some things to yourself when you're having those hard conversations with your friends and just so you don't involve other people and maybe don't have an issue that's big, that blows up into something even bigger than it needed to be originally.

And it's interesting to hear about your college friend group, because in college I experienced the same thing, where of course there's like little tiffs here and there between people and it's just like ebbs and flows in friends and stuff. And it's always good to try and stay to yourself. And I have problems with that. Everyone does. In a way, I'm kind of involved, so I'm like, "Do I get involved?" But if it has literally nothing to do with you, sometimes it's just better to step back, because oftentimes those two people just need to hash it out, and it's going to be fine, if they talked about it.

Ellie Hardy: Exactly. It blows over.

Host: Totally. And that's another good thing to remember for all the younger girls, is that all these issues will blow over and will be in the past soon enough. So if you feel like you're like in the trenches with friendships in high school and you're feeling like, "My friends all talk behind each other's backs. They make me feel so horrible," all this stuff, soon you will be away, and soon you will be like, "I can't even believe I lived that life." Really? It will feel like that? Like, I'm sure even for you, it's only November, a freshman year for you in college. And I'm sure you're probably like, "High school feels like it was three years ago."

Ellie Hardy: I was just about to say that. It literally feels like I've been here for like so much longer than that. Another thing, like kind of jumping onto like what you said, my friendships here, like back in high school, when I had that friend group, when I had a fallout with my friend group, it made me feel like, "Oh my gosh, I'm never going to find friends again, like I'm never going to have like that solid friend group again."

So coming here and like meeting all these amazing people, it makes you appreciate. And you just look back at high school and you're just, "What was that?" It's kind of sad to say, but it makes you realize that some of those friendships that you had in high school were not real friendships. And you know, it was one-sided, because that's kind of how I look back at it. Everyone has bad fallouts with their friends. It's just what happens, and I've had that. And it makes me look back and be like, "Wow, that was weird."

Host: I totally get that. It's looking back in high school, it's like comparing friendships now to friendships in high school. It's really like high school friendships, some of them, obviously, are exceptions. But some of them are just like, "How was that even a friendship to me?" You know, like, "At one point, I--"

Ellie Hardy: I question my decision.

Host: I know. I'm like, "I was friends with this person for so, so, so many years." And then looking back, I'm like, "All they ever wanted was to tear me down," you know? And it's like you get that kind of clarity, I feel like moving towards college when you have these friends that support you no matter what. Literally through and through, you can tell they're there for you. And in high school, you're like, "This person left me like this as soon as they heard..."

Ellie Hardy: Yeah. Like, where were you?

Host: No, like, "You just left in two seconds flat. It didn't even take anything for you to just leave." So, I think it's good to get some perspective and just kind of realize like these things will pass. These little tiny dramas will feel like nothing, which is so hard in the moment, obviously. You're dealing with these dramas that feel like they're consuming your entire life in high school, but they will not last beyond high school. You will get out of there. Time will pass. It'll all be good, and you'll make friends that are good to you, and it's always good to remember that you will meet people that treat you well. You don't have to lay and just be there and deal with all these people, you'll eventually meet the good people.

So, I kind of think I want to talk about I feel like guys in friend groups can be really great. I feel like they can do really good. You know, guy friends are always good, and I definitely do believe that. But I do think that there is a really, especially in high school when we're all still kind of immature. We're all like having our little growing up and things. But I feel like kind of managing guy-girl friendships, meaning like prioritizing your girl friendships over your guy friendships, it can be a really hard kind of thing to figure out. And I think oftentimes in high school, a lot of us can make mistakes where we're like, "Oh my god, I accidentally prioritized this guy friendship over this girl friendship that I've had for so long." And it can happen so easily, and sometimes I don't even think we realize we do it. Like, I know I've done that a million times before. Every girl, I feel like, has kind of dealt with that in the past, where they have found themselves like, "Oh my god, I was literally just choosing a guy over a girl. Shoot, what was I doing?" And it's kind of like, I think we should kind of talk about that, girls-girls, guys-girls, the whole thing, you know, how to manage that in high school and kind of prioritize your ladies, because your ladies will stick by you with all the guy drama. They will. If they're good, they will. So, what are your thoughts?

Ellie Hardy: Guys in friend groups, it's honestly a blessing if you can have guys in your friend group and it not get complicated. Let me just say that because guys, there have been times, and this has happened to multiple of my friends, like it's kind of hard, I feel like, for guys to be just friends with a girl and understand that sometimes girls just want a guy that they can just hang around and be themselves and not have feelings towards, you know what I mean? And so, that's definitely put me and my friends in some awkward positions.

I'll give you a good example, it's like these four guys and then like me and like my friends. And one of the guys, I guess, liked me or whatever and it caused just issues. And it was just awkward and just I don't even how to explain. It was just like, it felt like I wasn't even able to hang around them anymore. And I honestly hadn't really hung out with them a lot. And so, that's been something I've been trying to deal with, is just like you should be able to have guy friends and it not be like you guys have to like have feelings towards each other. And I think that's like one thing that also from an outside point of view, people are like, "Oh my gosh. That girl out with so many guys," you know what I mean?" Like girls are going to be like, "I don't like that." But honestly, hanging out with guys that are chill and don't have feelings for you, it's honestly like a breath of fresh air. And I wouldn't say that when you meet a guy, whether that be like a boyfriend or like a guy friend, prioritizing both is very important because you don't want to put your friends over that guy but you also don't want to put that guy over your friends.

 One thing that I've learned is it's just not worth causing an between a friendship. And that's one thing that I've learned from guys have come between multiple of my friendships and have ruined a couple and that's been like one of the things I look back on. I'm like, "Why would I let some guy just coming between like my friendship?" You know what I mean? Like because it causes issues, because you know, girls are like, "Oh, he like you, but I like him" or something like that. It causes so many issues. And so, when you are having a girlfriend group and a guy friend group, make sure that you keep it equal. You know what I mean? You might end up like, if you have a boyfriend too, I know you want to spend all your time with him, but your girlfriends have been there for you before him. You know, that's one thing that I think girls need to keep in mind is like that girl has been there for you way longer than this guy has. There's so much more that I could say, but I'll let you chime in if you want to.

Host: Yes. That was a great way to kind of sum it up in just a little blip. I feel like you really said it how it needed to be said. It's like your girls have often been there before your boyfriend, and I hate to say it, will be there after your boyfriend if that doesn't work out. And, you know, it's hard to remember that when you're caught up in this like new relationship and this new guy that you like so much. And I get it, I've done it before where I just push everything to the side because I like this guy so much and that's all I can think about. But I think it's definitely like good to reality check yourself when you're in those relationships and just be like, "Okay. Where have you been spending my time? Who do I need to reach out to? Who do I need to see?" Because it's going to make your life more well-rounded anyway. It's not going to take anything away from you by spending more time with your friends while also having a boyfriend. I think finding that balance is when you're going to be in the healthiest kind of relationship, because there's not going to be that kind of jealousy issue there.

But I love what you said about guy-girl friendships. I think that it's hard. And so many people say it, guys can't seem to be friends with girls without there being some sort of relationship, and I definitely agree in some ways. But also, if you can find those gems of guy friends that just don't feel like that about you, don't feel like that about your friends, and you guys can just vibe and have so much fun together, it is the best. It is the best.

Ellie Hardy: It's a blessing.

Host: It really is. It's once in a blue moon, honestly, when it's not complicated. And then when it starts to get complicated, that's when you can run into some issues, but prioritizing both, trying to keep it even, is so important. And I just loved everything you said, that was so, so good. I feel like it's another thing to kind of note, just that, especially in high school, I know I dealt with this, if you're feeling like your friends are picking guys over you, like if you're feeling like your friend is kind of prioritizing your guy friends or prioritizing their boyfriends, or whatever it is, try your best best best not to take it personal, because girls just sometimes you just get caught up in like the romance or the guy friends and stuff. It's just like growing up, that it happens, like it happens to all of us. So, try not to take it personal, just like realize, you know, in your heart, you know they're not purposely trying to hurt your feelings. If they're good friends, they're not trying to purposely hurt your feelings. They're just caught up in something. It will pass, just like we were talking about earlier, like truly all these little things will pass. And you'll get into a groove with good friends that you won't feel, you know, uneven with or you won't feel like there's like a weird power dynamic or anything like that. So, it's definitely a good thing to remember.

So, I would love to just kind of hear like, if you had one piece of advice for a girl in like a high school friend group, who's kind of feeling like the ups and downs of it and like boys and girls and all that, what advice would you give them going through that?

Ellie Hardy: Gosh, I wish someone could have given me this advice.

Host: Exactly. Me too.

Ellie Hardy: I would definitely say, if you are dealing with drama in a friend group and there's guys involved, whether that's like having feelings for them, or like guys are just causing drama in the friend group, what I wish I would have done is just taken a step back. Take time for yourself and look at it from like an outside point-of-view and see what you can do who you need to talk to or focus on who have issue with. If you have an issue with someone don't go to the other person and talk crap about them, because then they're going to tell people. And it just all comes back and it makes it so much worse. It just takes up so much more time where you could just go to that person and be like, "Look, I'm feeling some type of way. I want to talk to you about it. I want you to understand how I feel." And that's way better. Just communicate. Just communicate with that person. That's something that I struggled with and am still trying to work on.

In high school, I was so bad at communication. I would never tell anyone how I was feeling. I would just almost shut down in a way, especially in friend groups. If someone was mad at me or anything like that, I would just shut down and then talk to other people about it, because I didn't want to face that person one on one and that's what would cause drama because I'd go and I'd tell the other person what's going on, and then they'd go and tell so and so and then they'd be like, "Why are you talking me?" So, it just causes so much issues. So, what I would do is just talk to that person face to face, tell them how you feel, and it will blow over. It's not like the argument is going to last forever, like it all blows over. The little things in high school that I thought, "Oh my god, my life is over," it didn't matter in like a couple months. None of this will matter. Once get into college, nothing that happened in high school will matter.

Host: Totally, I love that advice, and you were like right on my train of thought too. One of the pieces of advice I was going to say is literally the same thing you said, is don't be afraid to actually share how you feel about situations, especially in high school. We all have such a big fear of confrontation in high school, because you don't want drama. But the drama's going to happen anyway. So, it's kind of like you weigh out your options. You're like, I either like talk to other people, don't tell the person, and then it gets blown out of proportion, or I handle it in a more mature way, kind of reach out to that person, talk to them individually. I think it's so important. And I think a little reminder is that If you are vulnerable and share your feelings about something, and it's still not received well, they're not your real friend.

And like, I'm just going to leave that right there. I'm just going to mic drop that, because if I was in high school, and I was dealing with what I dealt with, that would be the one thing I would want to hear, is if they're not respecting your vulnerability and your truth, they are not your friend, and that is the truth. They are not, they don't care how you feel, they don't care how they treat you, they don't care how other people treat you, if they're not respecting how you're feeling, the friendship isn't really there. And that's a harsh truth, but it's a good thing to realize because if you feel like all your friends don't value when you sit, when you speak up and you're like, "That actually really hurt my feelings" and they're like, "Oh, just get over yourself," that is not how it should be. And it's a good thing to remember just like being vulnerable is a superpower and you shouldn't be afraid to speak your truth to your friends. And if you are, maybe try and make new friends or, you know, wait it out, go to college, and make those friends that you can share your truth with.

Because you will, you will find them. And just to like kind of get on a sweet note a little bit, I think that we can both agree, like you'll find those friends in college. And I would love to hear you share just something to look forward to about college friendships, younger girls can look forward to.

Ellie Hardy: I would say something to look forward to if you're like going into college is how different everything is. And it's just such a blessing. Like everything here is everything that I would have dreamed of coming to college. The friends that you make, you grow so close with so fast. Do not be scared to go into college and be like, "I'm not going to have friends." That's exactly how I felt. I was like, "I'm so nervous. I'm so shy," but like everyone comes up to everyone. Literally on the first week of college, you're talking to everyone, you're meeting so many different people, you will literally have a friend group within a week of college."

So, I would definitely say that that's the most thing that you should look forward to, is the friends and the people and the experiences, like you experience so much stuff in college. And it's almost like a different world. It's like a completely different setting, like atmosphere, everything. Like you're going to meet so many different types of people. So many new things, and it's so exciting. It's every single day is something new. So, that's something to look forward to 1000%.

Host: Oh, you were spot on. I don't even barely have to add anything to that. That is it. You have so much to look forward to in college if you ended up choosing that route. With just freshman year, it feels like everything is new and it's so fun and everyone puts themselves out there. It just feels like, you know, everyone's entering a new thing together, and it's such a good thing to look forward to. It's such a community too, because everyone's new, you don't have your family there. It's such a great experience. So, that is a great thing to look forward to for all the younger girls out there dealing with some hard friendship stuff.

And Ellie, I appreciate you so much for everything you shared today. Your insights are so good and so appreciated. And I just love talking to you about this, because we can both kind of, you know, have our own experiences about high school and now college. And it's such a fun topic because, you know, now we both have such great friends and it's such a great feeling. And thank you so much for coming on. It was so much fun to talk about this today. Thank you all so much for tuning into For the Girls by the Valentina Campaign. And we'll see you next week. Bye, guys.