Iris Clark (Host): Hey, everybody. It's Iris Clark, the host of The Valentina Campaign's podcast, For The Girls. And I'm so excited to be here today with Ellie Hardy, a reoccurring guest of ours, and one of her best friends, Graysn. And I am so, so excited to have them on here today, and we're just going to kind of talk about their little friendship, how they met, and then we're going to kind of get into dating in our generation, being Gen Z and like having to deal with, you know, dating apps and all those kind of things and being in high school and dating and things like that.

So first, I just kind of want to start off and let Graysn and Ellie kind of talk about how they met. Graysn, you could do a little intro if you want, whatever you guys want to do to just kind of let everybody get to know you guys.

Graysn: Ellie, do you want to go first?

Ellie Hardy: Do you just want to talk about how we met?

Graysn: Yeah, I feel like we have to.

Ellie Hardy: So, Graysn and I first met-- Was it your freshman year or my sophomore year? And this is when I was on the volleyball team, but I was doing online classes at home. We met on the volleyball team. And I just remember Graysn was very like me. We had the same personality and the same everything. And I just realized that we got along very well. But at the time, we were in completely different friend groups.

So, this past summer, we got really, really close. We literally have been inseparable, I think, since summertime. Graysn, oh my gosh, I feel like there's so much in between. There's a lot to unpack. But go ahead and tell them a little bit about yourself.

Graysn: My name is Graysn, obviously. I'm a local here from Charleston. I've lived here my whole life. My family's from here. I feel like there's not really much. Oh, I do have two little guinea pigs, they're my bestest friends. They're my best friends. And I have an Australian shepherd too, but I feel like my guinea pigs go everywhere with me. They're like my little emotional support animals. Ellie has a bond with them too. And yeah, I feel like growing up, I played a lot of volleyball. And I think that season that Ellie and I played together was kind of like both of our breaking points. I think that it crushed us and we couldn't really do that anymore. But now, I'm working, I'm about to start cosmetology school towards the end of the summer. And that's about it and I'm really excited.

Host: Amazing. I love that. Cosmetology school sounds amazing, so I'm sure you're going to have a great time.

Graysn: Yes, I'm really excited.

Host: Okay. Well, I love to hear about your guys' little friendship and how it formed and stuff, and I'd love to hear more about you, Graysn. So, just to kind of get into the topic, what have been your guys' experiences dating or having relationships in high school or beyond and what has that been like? Just give us an overview.

Ellie Hardy: Well, I think between me and Graysn, Graysn has been in a very long relationship and she can tell her side of that. But from my perspective, I've only been in one relationship, and that's because I feel like in this generation it's very hard to date and it's very hard to find someone that you just click with. And so when you find that one person, you get really close with them, it's hard. Because in this generation, people change everyone's growing like we're all so young and so people's hearts are going to be in different places. And I think that's the one thing.

The main thing that I'm trying to understand right now is just the change, and it's so hard from you're living your life one certain way with this certain person in your life all the time, talking to them 24/7, and then going from having to learn to live your life without that person, it's very challenging. When I talk to my mom about it, she's like, "This is not how dating used to be." This is nothing in her generation. It was so different. So, I think that's another thing that I'm just like, "Why does it have to be so hard?" but I think it's because social media is involved in it, like everything. I feel like if you're dating in this generation, it's always going to be everyone else's problem because everyone else, some people that just have nothing better to do, they'll put themselves in people's relationships, which I think also causes a lot of stress. So, that's what I'm trying to figure out right now, is just how to deal with all of that. But Graysn, I want you to talk about your relationship.

Graysn: Okay. I started dating my boyfriend, Sam, when I was 15 in my sophomore year, and we dated for two and a half years. We were inseparable. He was like my best friend. We did everything together. And back in November, we kind of decided to just take some time apart so we can just kind of figure out things. He was deciding if he wanted to go to college. And I, obviously, am staying here to do cosmetology school. So, we just tried to figure that out. And recently, the past month and a half, we've kind of started to come back together. We've figured things out.

But the thing with Sam and I was we just kind of had to learn the older we got that we cannot let other people get involved. I feel like friends were always involved. Friends always had a say on arguments, conversations, somehow they always got involved. Whether that's a bad thing or not, I feel like it's always great to have your friends opinions, but to a certain extent, not like getting them completely in your relationship. And we're just trying to figure it out right now. I think we've been pretty close again, and we're just trying to get our lives back on track, and figuring out what we're going to do after graduation, where our lives are after that. I mean, it's a really scary thing, graduating and trying to figure out what you're doing with your relationship. I mean, especially one of you wants to go to college and one of you is staying here, it's a very different, kind of like a big life change. I mean, it is, and trying to figure that out is hard. But we're getting back on track. We're figuring it out. And, you know, he's the sweetest thing. He's always supportive. He loves Ellie. He loves all of my friends. I feel like he never has a bad thing to say. But it's hard. It's really hard to find a guy like that and I'm extremely lucky that I have. I've met guys and I've been friends with guys my whole life that will be awful and do things that you feel like, "How could somebody ever do that to you?" I think Ellie and I have just experienced a little bit of that. I think there's a lot of guys that think, "Oh, we're young, we can do whatever we want," like we're still trying to figure it out, but I don't think they're realizing that they're hurting people in the process, if that makes sense.

Host: Yeah, wow. No, I love to hear about both kind of your guys' experiences because they're like, so different, but they have elements of the same thing. And I think one of the same themes that I kind of noticed when you guys were talking is this element of intensity, like everything is so intense. And Ellie, kind of what you said about your mom saying, "Dating wasn't like this when I was your age." And my mom and my dad have said the same thing. Like, it's so intense, it's so tumultuous. There's so much, I don't know, intensity around these relationships and it's like putting unnecessary pressure on young girls like us and who are growing up and just are like, "Oh wait, I like this boy or whoever and then I want to date him," and then, it's all, "Just kidding." Boom! And it's crazy, intense relationship that takes a toll on your heart, and it's like you're dealing with things every single day. And I think it's because we always have to be in contact with that person, because of phones and because of Instagram, Snapchat, all that stuff. It's kind of like a constant flow of communication, which I think could be really hard.

And towards the end, you guys kind of mentioned how you've had to deal with some guys who have just taken their toll on the girls that they've dated and things like that. And if you guys would want to share, I'd love to kind of hear either what kind of experiences you kind of dealt with and also how you dealt with them, because I think that's really common. I know I really experienced that in high school with one of my ex-boyfriends. And so, it's just one of those things where it's like how do you kind of deal with these guys who just literally just like shake everybody up and without even thinking twice about it and then they're like, "Bye." Like, what do you mean? Literally, what do you mean? How does that even happen? And I'd love to just hear how you guys kind of deal with it, because it's so crazy that it still happens, but it really does. Guys can just really take their toll.

Ellie Hardy: I think me and Graysn experienced it together very recently. It was the time when Graysn and Sam were taking time apart and just trying to figure out one another and this was the time where I was dating my ex-boyfriend and he has a really close guy friend that Graysn used to know back in the day. And so, I was like, "Okay, let's all hang out." They used to know each other, you know, maybe they can talk again or whatever. And so, we all started hanging out and the four of us were like inseparable. We were always together, like I would come home from like PBI always together. And we just felt really close. We're putting aside feelings here, just like the four of us got really close.

Graysn: It was like a good friendship, especially on my side. Thinking back on it, it wasn't feelings that were involved. I think it was, "I found this friend that I was friends with back in middle school and I wanted to have that person as a friend." I mean, really, honestly, no, feelings thinking about it at all. It was just somebody that I had as a friend that I really trusted. And, yeah, Ellie, you could continue. Sorry.

Ellie Hardy: No, no. So, we were obviously very close. Kids in our group, just started doing stuff behind our back, mostly towards Graysn. And that's the one thing that bothers me, because you're not only hurting me and disrespecting me, but you're also disrespecting my best friend. And just seeing Graysn upset, that hurt me, and it just ruined the whole thing, you know what I mean? When two people aren't getting along in a group of four, what are you supposed to do, you know what I mean? We're all so close, so we just didn't know what to do.

And one thing that I applaud Graysn for is she just stepped back completely. She knew that if I wanted her to be there, she would be there. But also, she wanted to do what was best for her. And so, she just pushed herself away and tried to just focus on herself and just do her own thing. Because I think already going through what she was going through with Sam-- Graysn, I'm not trying to speak for you, but this is just coming to my head-- but I think with what she was going through with Sam was also affecting her, obviously. And so then, this was kind of like the last thing she needed. She didn't need someone making her feel this way when she already had so much going on.

So once they stopped talking, it was obviously just me and my boyfriend were left. So, it was just kind of like, "Okay, that's fine." And I started to realize that the other guy was pulling my boyfriend down with him. And it was hard because, obviously, my boyfriend at the time didn't want to think that. And I didn't want to come off as the girlfriend that was like, "I don't want you around him," whatever. I was like, "No, you can hang out with him, you can do whatever you want. It's your life." But at the same time, I knew what was happening. And instead of trying to just sit there and tell him, "No, you can't be with them. You can't hang out with them," obviously, I was sad, but I just kind of started to distance myself. I think it just got to a point where we were both just like, "Okay, this is just not going to work."

So, at the end of the day, I think it was definitely a mutual decision. But having to deal with that and just thinking that you know someone and like you really don't, that's a big thing. Me and Graysn thought these boys, we thought we knew them like the back of our hand. They came off such nice guys, everyone, "Oh, they're so nice. They're so cute." It's just not like that and, you know, I don't think for a second that they're bad people, that's one thing that I'm not going to say. But I just think that some of their intentions and the way that they act is just bad, and it's really not people that me and Graysn want in our lives anymore. So, that's also something that's just like we're trying to deal with, because there's just been so many changes throughout all of this. From meeting them and then to now, it's just like so much has happened in such a short amount of time. Does that make sense? It's crazy how much can unfold, it's insane. But Graysn, if you want to add anything, I just went on a rant.

Graysn: You know, I think that, like you said, they came off as these really nice. Especially with, you know, not your boyfriend at the time, but the other one, I think he wanted to have a good friendship with me and I think that that's what it was. It was a friendship until there was the lying and the manipulation and the making you feel like you always were doing something wrong. He'd put on this mask and be sad and say, "You're making me feel this way."

I remember one of the things that really kind of opened my eyes to be like, "I do not want this type of friendship and I don't want this person to be in my life at all," a kid that I think the whole Charleston community knew. I mean, everyone knew this boy, he was the sweetest thing, passed away. And I think everyone was really hurt by it. I mean, everyone knew this kid. Everyone was somehow connected to him. He had passed away, and one of my other really good friends was best friends with him, they were inseparable. And I was there picking up the pieces for her. And during that process, I think I was feeling it too, feeling like, "Oh my God, this kid, we'll never be able to speak to him again." And, you know, "One of my best friends will never be able to see her best friend ever again." It's just hard. And that kind of dragged me down a little bit, and he pretty much blamed my sadness and everything on, "Well, you're upset because this kid died and you're not here for me." And I don't think I've ever met a person that has used something like that as an excuse to make you feel bad. I mean, I think that that's insane. And I think that that was one of the really big eye-openers too, "Oh my god, I cannot be friends with this person anymore." Like, "I have to have this person out of my life. This is insane." And he pretty much would go behind not only Ellie and I's back, but his best friend too, and would just do the most-- not disgusting, I don't want to say that word-- but just bad behavioral things. I mean, just things that it's like, "You are 17 years old. Like why are you acting like this? This is crazy." You know, his dad would go out of town and he'd go buck wild and drag Ellie's boyfriend into it and just crazy things. And I think that that was definitely the eye-opener for me at that point, was, "Oh my God, I cannot be friends with somebody like this anymore." And I think, Ellie, I think that was also her thing too, was like we cannot have this person in our lives anymore.

Host: Yeah, wow. It sounds like a really intense situation. It seems like there was a lot of bad things that were going down and ended up kind of being domino effect where it was like, you know one thing after another, we can't take this anymore. And what I have to applaud you guys for and so many girls in high school and feel like they can't walk away from friendships or relationships in which they aren't treated right. Because they're convinced like, "He really likes me though" or like, "Oh, we've always been so close. I thought I knew him so well. I'm sure he's not like this." There's so many excuses that we make, I think, and we enable this behavior when we're young because we don't realize we can walk away.

And I think that I just love how you guys were saying, as soon as you started to see the signs, you were like, "I can't do this anymore. Bye." Literally, "No thank you. I understand. I thought I knew you. Clearly, I don't. I'm good. There's the door." Literally, I love that because I'm telling you, I was not that much like this early in high school. I feel like I was literally, "Well, I don't know, maybe," you know, kind of making excuses. But what's the need to make excuses? They're clearly not who you thought they were. Move on. Let's create some distance. And I'm glad you guys could do that and get away from that situation, because it just seemed like it was dragging everybody down, and I'm sure putting a strain on lots of relationships. So, I love that you said that, because it's so true, you're allowed to walk away. And Graysn, I can just tell how clear you were. You were like, "I couldn't do it anymore." Literally good, period.

Graysn: I was done. I just could not.

Host: Good. Clean-cut bye. I wish I saw that more with people, because people are bad friends and it's good that you just walked away. But I'd love to hear about that and just kind of your guys experience with that. So, you guys talked about kind of how you decided to not be friends anymore, whatever. You know, it's hard when you cut people out of your life and cut off relationships or friendships. And it leaves that kind of void for a while. But then, it gets filled eventually and you feel better. How have you guys kind of been dealing with it in the aftermath of this situation? How have you guys been taking care of yourselves and making sure you don't let yourself get too-- you know, I'm sure you guys let you feel your feelings, but how do you kind of handle it? You know what I mean?

Ellie Hardy: Well, this boy that used to be my life, this is our second time around. So, that was the first time we had gotten back together, though. And so, I give people second chances. I'll always give someone a second chance. But if you screw me over again, you're out. So, this is definitely a whole new type of breakup, because I'm so far away, and he's all the way back in my hometown. And not having Grace in here, even my mom, it's definitely hard going through it alone.

But I think the one thing that I've learned and that I've realized is the second-- it's only been a week after all of this has unfolded, and I think that a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel very more relaxed. I feel almost like I'm not just having to worry about someone's son in a way. I'm just not having to worry about him and he's not my problem anymore.

And I also think another thing, and I think that all girls should listen to this, because I never listened to it. And I just recently heard about this again. If you feel like you're not getting what you need and what you deserve out of a relationship, that's something that should be an automatic red flag and you need to go. You should not sit there and sit on your phone every night and beg for a guy to change. Not a man, a boy. You cannot expect to sit there on your phone and beg a boy to change, because it's like watching the same movie over and over again and expecting a different ending. It's just the same thing.

And so, I think, obviously, it's very hard learning how to be alone. And, you know, it's obviously so sad waking up and seeing that person's name not on your phone, but also I just like to think about how much more positivity there is in my life. There's no stress anymore. Things just get better from here. They don't go downhill. They just get better. And I think that's something that's helped me. And also, knowing that, "I've been through this before, I've been through a breakup with this person before, and I got through it. I'm still here today." So, I obviously know I'm going to get through it again. So, that's how I've been dealing with it. But Graysn?

Graysn: I think I have had to establish kind of a rule for myself. I established this kind of when Sam and I decided to take our time apart. I have always only allowed myself a week to be miserable, a week to lay in my bed, be miserable, just pretty much rot in my bed for a week, depending on being a friendship cutting out. Like cutting out a friendship, a relationship, anything, I have only allowed myself to have a week to be miserable, to eat as much food as I want, to not eat as much, whatever. And then after that week, I pick up my pieces and I say, "Okay, there's a reason that this person was brought into my life. They, whoever, taught me this lesson and this is why he left or she left or whatever." There is always a big lesson behind everything in life and I've had to slowly learn that. And it's hard to realize that there are people that will come in your life to just teach you a lesson and to just help you grow and not really benefit you in a way. Like happiness-wise, they'll break you. They will. But you grow and you learn from that. And I think that that's kind of what I had to do. Not necessarily like losing this friendship. I think, this friendship, I was so done with it, that I was just like, "I can't deal with it anymore. I'm done." But I think this situation, since I was kind of done before Ellie was in a way, it had happened to me before it had happened to Ellie weeks prior, my main thing was, "Okay, I'm all glued back together. I'm fine. It's now time to be there for my best friend and to do whatever she needs. If she needs me to talk on the phone for hours or fall asleep on the phone to make sure that she's still fine in the morning, I will do that." You know, I feel like my mom has always said it takes a village, and I feel like I am the village right now. I'm picking up all the pieces, but it's all worth it in the end. And I think that this was a hard, hard lesson for us to learn, but it was valuable. And we needed it to grow and realize, holy crap, we cannot have people like this in our lives anymore.

Host: Yes. Oh my gosh, I love that. I mean, everyone needs a village and now I'm glad you guys have each other, you know, in times of need to be there. I love what you both said about picking up the pieces and stuff. And Ellie, you were kind of talking about you feel like kind of a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And I think I was just thinking about it and it was like, "I've done this a million times." You see the potential in someone. You're like, "Oh my god. If they just did this, they would be perfect." But it's you can't expect them to change. And what I've always told people is, "Okay. Look at the person like an entity outside of yourself. Look at them. And as they are right now, you can't change a single little thing about them, do you still want to be with them?" And if not, nope, to the curb. You can't wait around for this change that you have no evidence that it could ever happen. You're grasping at straws because you love this person or whatever, and I think it's good that you said walk away if you're not getting treated well. If you think you deserve better, leave. There's no reason to stay, even if you see potential. Potential isn't the real thing. Period. It's not.

 Graysn, I love how you talked about how going through this friendship breakup, you kind of didn't really feel like you had to do that mourning because you were so done. And I feel like there's two sides of the spectrum, either you're cutting off a relationship and it's like, "Who's throwing the party? Let's celebrate. I'm out. Thank God," or there's like the, "Wait, hold on. A part of my heart is gone now, I really need to mourn, I need to spend a week just literally being by myself at my bed and mourning it. I think there's two sides to the spectrum. Either way, it's healthy and fine and you have to go through those emotions either way.

But yeah, I just loved everything you shared. I really appreciate everybody's honesty and just sharing these experiences because, I mean, I know it'll help people out there because these are not uncommon things. All of these things are so common and people just don't talk about them. So, I'm so glad that everybody could share. And kind of coming to a close, if there's anything else you guys want to add, any advice or any, you know, last minute remarks, feel free if anybody has anything, but if not...

Ellie Hardy: Graysn, do you have anything?

Graysn: I don't think so. I feel like that was kind of everything.

Ellie Hardy: We just unpacked a lot.

Graysn: We did.

Host: We did. And I'm so glad we did. I appreciate everybody coming on to be honest and share their experiences. I think that's the end of our episode today on dating and relationships and, you know, going through ups and downs of that. And thank you so much, Ellie and Graysn, for coming on today. It was so fun to have you guys. I can tell you guys are just such an amazing best friend pair and you just seem to be just two peas in a pod and I love seeing it. So, thank you everybody for listening to this week's episode of For the Girls, and we'll see you next time. Bye, guys!